Wtf!??!

[starryeyed12]

BTW, if you had somewhat of an "honesty" talk before and things then spruced up, then that means there's still a chance to make progress.

 

Once you have the talk and things go well, its then very easy to fall back into old habits and routines and patterns of thinking. The change you're looking for takes constant WORK.

 

You relapsed, but if you can find mental and emotional strength, go for it again and know that it's a constant battle to find balance and happiness.

[Sparty97]

You obviously read my post and quickly dismissed it! lol

 

Is that all you want from her? Sex? If so, then the "we don't have sex" talk is tired.

 

That's not quite what I said. If that's all I wanted then I would have done the deed. I want intimacy. I want to be needed as more than just someone to bitch and moan about her day to.

 

Sounds to me like you need more from her than just sex. Sounds like you need to think about what more you could need from a marriage partner to feel fulfilled. Detach her for a moment and just simply think "marriage partner." Your dream wife (within reason!). What would you want from her? Are you getting it now from your wife? Write that down. If you have the time for LS you have the time to think/write down your needs.

 

If you want to carry on the way you're going and try to justify how you're acting then fine...V&V all you like. But you will not change your marriage or your happiness if you continue down the path you've been taking.

 

I'm at a point that I'm not sure I believe it can change.

[Sparty97]

BTW, if you had somewhat of an "honesty" talk before and things then spruced up, then that means there's still a chance to make progress.

 

I said we've had it a few times over the years. The end result is always the same.

 

Once you have the talk and things go well, its then very easy to fall back into old habits and routines and patterns of thinking. The change you're looking for takes constant WORK.

I have been willing to put in the work over the years. Her initial complaints were that I didn't do enough around the house. I changed my ways. To this day I do a ton of the house work, more of the cooking, laundry etc. I never complain about it (why should I?) and I do it without being asked. Then she decided she wasn't physically attracted to me so I got my act together and lost 90#. I now run 1/2 marathons and go on century bike rides (100mi). Of course she noticed that other women started to notice me and she got jealous. Now she has decided she simply has a low libido (complicated by meds), and othe mental health issues. I'm just tired of feeling like I am doing the heavy lifting on this.

 

You relapsed, but if you can find mental and emotional strength, go for it again and know that it's a constant battle to find balance and happiness.

 

Honestly, over the last 3 months I decided it would just be easier if we just didn't bother with the physical part. I had gotten to an ok place about it and then she decides she wants it. Feh.

 

We've been more like roommates for the last couple of years. I have had a couple of knee issues (surgery, water on the knee, etc) in the last year or so. Whenever possible I use it as an excuse to sleep downstairs as it's more comfortable.

[JamesM]

 

The other thing that astounds me is how many people won't divorce solely due to money--they would prefer going to the END OF THEIR DAYS without strong love and hot sex in order to avoid financial burdens.

 

Not so good priorities. Then again, money, for me, is not the root of my happiness. I would prefer to suffer financially then live in a cold, love/sexless marriage.

 

To live for years and decades without true emotional and physical fulfillment is mind-boggling--a veritable prison.

 

Yes, I live in a sexless marriage or nearly so. But I also know that sex is a small part of a good marriage. Having a relationship with hot sex may end up being unhappier than the one I have. I love my wife dearly. She loves me. She has issues (physical mostly) that do make her days less than ideal. We have children who need me as a father more than I need hot sex.

 

I choose to stay and while I sometimes feel trapped, I also do not think that at this point the grass is greener outside of the marriage.

 

I am guessing that you have not been with someone who means the world to you for a couple of decades. Sex is sex but sex with that person is much more. Until I think that someone else can be all that she is plus enjoy sex...well, my life is better as it is.

[starryeyed12]

Honestly, over the last 3 months I decided it would just be easier if we just didn't bother with the physical part. I had gotten to an ok place about it and then she decides she wants it. Feh.

 

We've been more like roommates for the last couple of years. I have had a couple of knee issues (surgery, water on the knee, etc) in the last year or so. Whenever possible I use it as an excuse to sleep downstairs as it's more comfortable.

 

Well, she just has an excuse for everything, now doesn't she! She sounds stubborn I'd say. It sounds like one of those cases where "you can draw a horse to water, but you can't make her drink." You're giving her what she says she wants yet...nothing. It sounds a bit like she either isn't telling you what she really wants (maybe bc she's not even sure) or she thinks that you can't provide it for her (...so she thinks). That's the thing about communication, its got to be 2 ways. It seems like there's more on her mind than she's willing to share with you....good or bad. So you carry on.

 

Maybe it is for the best, as James suggests. She's a tough nut to crack, but the life you have created now probably seems like the easiest route to stay in since it would require much work to get to an equally happy place for you both. Since you can't leave her, you've tried communicating and she's unwilling or unable to express what she really wants, I suppose its v&v until hopefully a day comes that u can either get out or she comes back around.

 

I hope she comes around! Until then, I say just try to immerse yourself in what you love or what you enjoy. Try to find the things that make you happy and dont worry about her ( like her jealousy of your new found body and attention). I mean, don't cross any huge lines, but people are most attractive when they are feeling good and doing the things they enjoy. So live life for you and your kids. Sex is not everything to life and happiness. And if you see an opportunity for honest talk with her, take it.

 

Take care and I hope for the best!

[Mme. Chaucer]

sparty,

 

put a key logger on her computer.

 

Sounds like something got her riled up while you were out for your jog.

 

OT, but I find it very disturbing how frequently the answer to every situation is "she's having an affair, install a key logger."

[John Michael Kane]

OT, but I find it very disturbing how frequently the answer to every situation is "she's having an affair, install a key logger."

 

I find it disturbing how one would not even consider it a possibility.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I find it disturbing how one would not even consider it a possibility.

 

Whatever. Spying is not going to amend any of the problems in their marriage. This OP says he is completely unhappy but is not going to leave no matter what because of finances. Putting the extra pressure in the situation through his monitoring of her and invading her privacy, and her probable reaction when she finds out, will just increase the wretchedness in the situation.

 

He's not leaving a miserable marriage.

[John Michael Kane]

Whatever. Spying is not going to amend any of the problems in their marriage.

 

If he finds out she did something else and he divorces her then problems solved.

 

This OP says he is completely unhappy but is not going to leave no matter what because of finances. Putting the extra pressure in the situation through his monitoring of her and invading her privacy, and her probable reaction when she finds out, will just increase the wretchedness in the situation.

 

Forget her reaction. She's not the one with the only feelings and she's the one not giving him any booty.

 

He's not leaving a miserable marriage.

 

We'll see.

[Sparty97]

If he finds out she did something else and he divorces her then problems solved.

 

 

 

Forget her reaction. She's not the one with the only feelings and she's the one not giving him any booty.

 

 

 

We'll see.

 

 

I'm not leaving at this point. We bought our home under the first time buyer credit, to get divorced we'd have to sell and we can't so that until we've been in it for 3 years or we have to give the credit back.

[Got it]

Sparty -

 

I understand how you are feeling. I was in a pretty sexless marriage that wasn't going to improve no matter what I did. We didn't have kids so was easy to get out of.

 

You are sound very much like my dMM. His was like that due to your above reasons, she was always sick and also because of her affair. He was just there to be there, wanted to divorce but no money, etc and then he met me. He was never planning on being in an affair but had checked out a few years prior. So he has now divorced but it has been a struggle, it has been very hard financially, etc. I have no solutions but understand how you feel. (((hugs))))