Defining an Emotional Affair

[DCMNW]

Hi All,

 

I'm curious as to what everyone's definition of an emotional affair (EA) is?

 

Quick synopsis of my situation:

 

xMM ended the affair because he needed to figure out his life and didn't want to string me along in the meantime as he wasn't able to give me what I wanted and deserved (a normal relationship). He also realized he wasn't ready to walk away from a 20 yr marriage, tear apart his family, and lose alot of what he worked for that would come along with a D.

 

In the meantime he continued to call me and we are now in almost daily contact with each other-as in short, friendly conversations on the phone and occasional chats in person when we see each other at work. These conversations are never sexual or lovey dovey (no I miss you, love you, etc.). They are mostly small talk, how our days are going, etc. We don't talk on the weekends and we don't hang out or see each other outside of work. I've been considering us "friends" even though I wish we were more. Am I in an emotional affair? I guess I don't see it as such because theres no romantic talk, etc. However when I'm having a bad day he is always there to talk to and gives me advice, and always makes me feel better.

 

Anyways any comments or idea's on what you all think constitutes an EA is greatly appreciated!

[Emme]

I've been considering us "friends" even though I wish we were more. Am I in an emotional affair?

 

 

Yes you are. As long as you have that want and need to take it to another level of intimacy you're emotionally invested in this man. You are having an emotional affair. Do you know that just by speaking to him it might be stimulating his emotions for you? Even a simple smile is a part of an emotional affair.

[26pointblue]

Yes I think it is an emotional affair & it will probably escalate to more if you don't shut it off. That's how these things tend to work at least based on my experience & from reading here.

 

I think you are lucky that he told you he didn't want to string you along. He was straight up with you which I think is rare for an MM. But there is obviously a big part of him that is attracted to you & wants to keep it going even though he knows he shouldn't. I know it's hard but I feel that if you care about him you should respect his wish to work on his marriage & respect yourself not to be strung along in the meantime, & be the strong one & cut things off. I know that's hard to do so no judgment. Just my advice. Good luck.

[Breezy Trousers]

Hi All,

 

I'm curious as to what everyone's definition of an emotional affair (EA) is?

 

Quick synopsis of my situation:

 

xMM ended the affair because he needed to figure out his life and didn't want to string me along in the meantime as he wasn't able to give me what I wanted and deserved (a normal relationship). He also realized he wasn't ready to walk away from a 20 yr marriage, tear apart his family, and lose alot of what he worked for that would come along with a D.

 

In the meantime he continued to call me and we are now in almost daily contact with each other-as in short, friendly conversations on the phone and occasional chats in person when we see each other at work. These conversations are never sexual or lovey dovey (no I miss you, love you, etc.). They are mostly small talk, how our days are going, etc. We don't talk on the weekends and we don't hang out or see each other outside of work. I've been considering us "friends" even though I wish we were more. Am I in an emotional affair? I guess I don't see it as such because theres no romantic talk, etc. However when I'm having a bad day he is always there to talk to and gives me advice, and always makes me feel better.

 

Anyways any comments or idea's on what you all think constitutes an EA is greatly appreciated!

 

 

You're discussing him here, so that suggests to me that it's an EA.

 

If you're thinking about him a lot, it's an EA.

 

If you're keeping it a secret, it's definitely an EA.

 

I tend to see affairs as highly addictive processes, so I feel that if OW is in contact with xMM -- and it's been under 5 years since the breakup -- OW is still in the affair. Just as with addictive processes, there can be lots of denial & bargaining around that issue. ("I'll just have one little drink" isn't much different from "one or two calls won't hurt.")

[Silly_Girl]

Absolutely it's an affair. You have drawn lines in your heads to make you feel it's okay, but on a rough day those lines can easily be overstepped and Hey Presto! you're full on again.

 

If he can't say to his wife 'I was chatting to [xOW] about this at work it's an affair.

 

I'm not judging you on having the contact with him, but I think you should be clear as to what's going on, I'm not a fan of denial.

[whichwayisup]

Hi All,

 

I'm curious as to what everyone's definition of an emotional affair (EA) is?

 

Quick synopsis of my situation:

 

xMM ended the affair because he needed to figure out his life and didn't want to string me along in the meantime as he wasn't able to give me what I wanted and deserved (a normal relationship). He also realized he wasn't ready to walk away from a 20 yr marriage, tear apart his family, and lose alot of what he worked for that would come along with a D.

 

In the meantime he continued to call me and we are now in almost daily contact with each other-as in short, friendly conversations on the phone and occasional chats in person when we see each other at work. These conversations are never sexual or lovey dovey (no I miss you, love you, etc.). They are mostly small talk, how our days are going, etc. We don't talk on the weekends and we don't hang out or see each other outside of work. I've been considering us "friends" even though I wish we were more. Am I in an emotional affair? I guess I don't see it as such because theres no romantic talk, etc. However when I'm having a bad day he is always there to talk to and gives me advice, and always makes me feel better.

 

Anyways any comments or idea's on what you all think constitutes an EA is greatly appreciated!

 

It's still an affair. You can't end an affair and then be friends. That IS an EA. Fact!

 

Even if there is no romantic talk, you are emotionally invested and attached to him, he is still in your life. He is there for you, makes you feel better. You both are still getting something out of this. And he's still cheating on his wife by being your friend and talking to you every day.

[betterdeal]

Anyways any comments or idea's on what you all think constitutes an EA is greatly appreciated!

 

I think it's something your partner would be unhappy with you doing, and in the case of an emotional affair, it is emotional involvement with a third party. So it's entirely subjective and up to the individuals involved to decide upon.

[DCMNW]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I guess I am in an EA, at least from my point of view, because I am so emotionally attached to him. The problem is, I don't know how he feels about me anymore. Does he genuinely just want to be friends and have no romantic feelings for me now? He makes sure to never cross the "friend line" or act inappropriate with me, ever. When things ended and he kept calling me,at first I was hesitant about staying in contact, and told him I was worried I would be "sucked back in" and that I felt like he screwed with my head, by making me believe his M was over and it was only a matter of time until someone moved out, etc. He was very upset that I said these things, so now I wonder if he's just trying to not cross that line so he doesn't hurt me again. I know this is a messed up way of thinking, but I just want to know if he still has feelings for me and is trying to just be friends so I dont get hurt any further while he tries to figure out his life, or if he really doesnt see me in that way anymore and really just wants to be friends. I guess the fact that I want to know these things shows I need to just cut it off so I dont torture myself anymore, hanging on to this thread that one day he's going to say he's finally decided to leave his W...

[carrie999]

Yes you are. As long as you have that want and need to take it to another level of intimacy you're emotionally invested in this man. You are having an emotional affair. Do you know that just by speaking to him it might be stimulating his emotions for you? Even a simple smile is a part of an emotional affair.

 

I would completely disagree with every word of this if not for the fact that you two had a real affair previously, and the fact that his wife doesn't know about it.

 

Most of the friends I talk to regularly are men. We chat online, talk, hang out...nothing I would be afraid of disclosing to a significant other.

 

The fact that you don't hang out outside of work or do anything sexual is irrelevant. The fact that you do wish you were still more than "friends" is very relevant. So is the secrecy.

 

I agree with the advice I've been given here...you can be friends with an ex. You cannot be friends with an ex-AP, with very few exceptions I can even imagine.

[Emme]

I know this is a messed up way of thinking, but I just want to know if he still has feelings for me and is trying to just be friends so I dont get hurt any further while he tries to figure out his life, or if he really doesnt see me in that way anymore and really just wants to be friends.

 

That line in bold is going to the the catalyst to pull you in further. The wanting and the needing to know. This will add to the emotions you already have that he loves you. I know you are smart and you've already said what you have to do. You have to keep reinforcing that you won't wait for no man. You can move forward without knowing. It's hard ... but its doable.

[2sunny]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I guess I am in an EA, at least from my point of view, because I am so emotionally attached to him. The problem is, I don't know how he feels about me anymore. Does he genuinely just want to be friends and have no romantic feelings for me now? He makes sure to never cross the "friend line" or act inappropriate with me, ever. When things ended and he kept calling me,at first I was hesitant about staying in contact, and told him I was worried I would be "sucked back in" and that I felt like he screwed with my head, by making me believe his M was over and it was only a matter of time until someone moved out, etc. He was very upset that I said these things, so now I wonder if he's just trying to not cross that line so he doesn't hurt me again. I know this is a messed up way of thinking, but I just want to know if he still has feelings for me and is trying to just be friends so I dont get hurt any further while he tries to figure out his life, or if he really doesnt see me in that way anymore and really just wants to be friends. I guess the fact that I want to know these things shows I need to just cut it off so I dont torture myself anymore, hanging on to this thread that one day he's going to say he's finally decided to leave his W...

 

since you are a secret - you are in an EA. if you don't worry if it's right or wrong - his wife should have NO problem knowing all about you two keeping in contact... does she know?

 

he's keeping you as his option... his back burner gal - only in case his wife throws him out when she finds out what a scumbag he really is... so essentially by corresponding with you - he is ruining his chance at a happy marriage - is that the gal you intended to be?

[carhill]

Anyways any comments or idea's on what you all think constitutes an EA is greatly appreciated!

 

'I love you'

 

'You're such a wonderful man'

 

'I wish my husband was more like you' (Tells intimate details of marital 'business')

 

'You deserve sex'

 

Bla, bla.

 

Just a brief sample of the dozens of MW's I was an emotional 'tampon' for over the decades. They range from perfect strangers to the (adult) children of friends.

 

 

My definition is simple: If a person's behavior and/or words would not elicit a positive emotional response if their spouse/SO was standing next to them when such is done/said, then it is inappropriate. To the extent that it is 'secret' and 'long-lived', it is 'cheating' and 'an affair'. Simple.

 

I've had affairs and inappropriate relationships. I haven't cheated since there was no secrecy. Read my journals for some examples. No sex was involved. Much pain/hurt was, on all sides. I don't recommend it. If in doubt, get counseling. It helps

[2sunny]

time, energy or attention placed outside the marriage (relationship).

 

that which could be placed within the healthy M.

[DCMNW]

Sorry I forgot to respond to a few questions regarding whether my relationship with xMM is a secret. There was never a D day so his W knows nothing about me. If the tables were turned I would be upset if I was married and my H kept in touch with his xOW, even if there was nothing sexual going on. So yes I see now how this is an EA.

 

Sunny, yeah I agree that he may be just keeping me around as a "friend" so in case his marriage does fall apart, he will have me to run back to as his back up plan. I get it, I do. But I also think that his feelings for me might have been genuine and he doesnt want to lose me completely so he keeps me around in the only capacity he can right now, to avoid hurting me any further.

[2sunny]

Sorry I forgot to respond to a few questions regarding whether my relationship with xMM is a secret. There was never a D day so his W knows nothing about me. If the tables were turned I would be upset if I was married and my H kept in touch with his xOW, even if there was nothing sexual going on. So yes I see now how this is an EA.

 

Sunny, yeah I agree that he may be just keeping me around as a "friend" so in case his marriage does fall apart, he will have me to run back to as his back up plan. I get it, I do. But I also think that his feelings for me might have been genuine and he doesnt want to lose me completely so he keeps me around in the only capacity he can right now, to avoid hurting me any further.

 

but he is hurting you! and YOU are ALLOWING it.

 

he occupies the space in your mind. that way you don't have room for an AVAILABLE man! that is how he hurts you - he's completely selfish... one woman isn't enough - i'll get two. selfish man. tell his W now... see how that goes.