1 month out and it's all muddled

[Rory12345]

Hey there, this is my first post and hopefully not my last! I discovered this website and it's done a lot of help so I decided to join.

 

Right, I am 1 month out of a relationship and I believe I am sort of in "limbo" and sort of not. Just to state, I have been diagnosed with server depression and passive aggressive. (These come from before the relationship, I got beaten by my mother when I was a child - black and blue. So the only emotion I've ever showed was anger.)

 

I was with my ex for around a year. We both do the same course in university. At first I didn't like her, from the way she treated guys/men. It just seemed like she used them for attention but me, being me went back on this and we started going out in April '10. The first 8 months were brilliant, there were minor arguments but nothing to bad. We spent all our time together and she lived with me in my room. We had planned a holiday and to live together in our final year.

 

Then in Jan/Feb things just fizzled out, the emotion went, physical contact. More arguing/disagreements, you get the picture.

 

Easter just gone, she started ignoring me when we both went home from university (200 miles apart). So one day, I brought it up with her and she said she wasn't sure if we wanted to be together so a few days later we split up. She said I had broken her as a person etc.

 

The same day, she told me that she still loved me and wanted to be best friends. Getting back to uni she still lived with me for a few days until she moved out. I decided just to leave her be for a few days. One day she kept trying to text me and I just ignored it so she went "you are making me depressed by not texting back and making me ill" so I caved in and reply. The next time I saw her in person she told me she loved me which confused me and she went she wasn't interested in going on nights out or getting with other guys" (This is something about her, she'll say stuff just to make the other one happy as she was waiting for me to say it back). For the next few days I made an effort but she just ignored me. This reached a point where, one day at university she was ignoring me and being quite until we reached the library where the rest of our friends were then she brightened up and started making jokes and was flirting with a guy she knew I didn't like. I stopped speaking for another few days but they were horrible as it felt like there was more to say. So we met and had a chat, she said that she only said she loved me to not be painfully. I sent her an email trying to explain a lot and she just replied going "I'm too hurt".

 

 

I went on NC for a week. Then after our exam, I went for a pint (as you do)

so I walked over to the bar and I saw her there and at that moment voice got louder and all I heard her say was "yea a really NICE guy walked me home" and she was just going on about how amazing her night out was (even though, as I put in the paragraph before she wasn't interested in that). Today, my friend saw her walking back with another guy from university, acting close. When I was told I just felt betrayed with trust more than anything. I text her in anger and she went "oh, he's a friends friend". I regret doing it.

 

It just feels like she doesn't care about my feelings or my condition. I don't expect her to worry, I just want to see that she understands. She knows exactly how to get under my skin and does it. I am at the stage where I just don't want to see her ever again. I dislike her and it feels like an effort to talk to her. Yet, I have another year.

 

The thing I am trying to ask is, why she is doing this? Should I go back to NC?

 

Regards

Rory

 

Edit: Emotionally wise, I'm doing alright. Felt happier since not being with her, getting on with my life but she's still on my mind and it's the fact that she's lying about things which affects me.

Edited May 26, 2011 by Rory12345
More to add

[Rory12345]

Just to add, today has been the worst day since we broke up. Feel utter rubbish.

[Daaanz]

I was in a very similar situation to you only a few days ago. After our break up me and my ex decided to 'stay friends' which did not help, he lead me on, telling me he loved me, that eventually we'd be together again and that he really missed the time we spend together, but while I wasn't around he was going behind my back, doing things with girls and when I found out, he lied about it, showing complete disregard and a lack of respect for me. Something happened yesterday, you could probably find my post about it on here, and that pushed me over the edge. I now have decided to completely cut him out, I want NOTHING to do with him and I only wish I'd had the strength to do it before as it would have avoided me getting hurt, but I've learn some lessons from it.

If I were you, I'd do the same! It may be hard since you go to the same Uni, but I believe it's what you need to do, you don't need this or any of the games she is playing with you. seriously just focus on yourself... You'll be better off without. It may be hard to begin with but good luck!

[Rory12345]

Daanz, thank you for the reply. I read your thread and agree that it was the best thing for you to do. Just making hassle for you.

 

I think I'm going to. Problem is she is on my course and we share similar mutual friends. There's a part of me who wants her to contact me but I know that is just my male ego wanting to feel wanted by someone and I know that as I don't care for her, it'll just make me feel rubbish. It's probably just because I think she has moved on and I haven't.

 

Thank you very much, I appreciate it.

[Downtown]

I have been diagnosed with severe depression and passive aggressive. (These come from before the relationship, I got beaten by my mother when I was a child - black and blue. So the only emotion I've ever showed was anger.)

Rory, welcome to LoveShack. I'm so sorry you had such a hurtful childhood. The problem with carrying all that anger inside since early childhood is that it is easily triggered by minor comments or actions from your GFs. Since the anger is just under the surface, it can erupt in a few seconds. The usual triggers are any comment or action posing a threat of abandonment or engulfument (from intimacy).

 

I mention this to explain why it is so important for you to remain in your therapy program long enough to learn how to control that anger and how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings (instead of accepting them as accurate reflections of reality). You may also have to learn how to trust people. If you have serious trust issues, you will be unable to sustain a LTR because trust is the foundation on which such relationships must be built. Please take care of yourself, Rory.

[Rory12345]

Hello too you to Downtown and may I say thank you very much for your insight.

 

Therapy is going well actually. After my last session (19th May), I have never felt more happy in myself ever. I've made steps in the right direction and I'm just being more open and starting to trust the people around me. I managed to get the courage to tell my father about it all which was a massive thing for me.

 

The only thing dragging me down is the ex. For the reasons stated above. I'm getting on with life and it's going but there is always a nagging feeling there.

 

Stay safe.

[Rory12345]

Just found out she re-activated facebook. I know it's not a biggy but she said she never would. It really hurts. :/

[Rory12345]

Sorry for another post.

 

After clamming down, I decided just to delete my facebook as if I didn't, all I would get is pain as I never use the thing as it is.

 

Still feeling up and down.

[lalalandman]

Dude good for you. I deleted my Facebook and it worked wonders. Out of sight, out of mind. It's time for you to disappear. She should have no idea what is going on in your life whatsoever. Be confident in yourself, and walk away. This is her decision. She may realize her error later, but if not, then you two aren't meant for each other. Win Win. Stay away from mutuals and don't go looking at her FB page, at all. You'll be good man. Like Downtown said, just take care of yourself. That's your mission right now.

[Rory12345]

Cheers lalalandman, I appreciated your thoughts.

 

I'm defiantly going to take your advice. The only difficult thing is that as she is on my course, I'm going to have to see her for the next few days. She's also coming around to collect her stuff in a week. I'd just prefer not to see her.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Rory12345]

Posting again, sorry.

 

On Thursday, I have my last exam for university this year. My ex is going to come around a few days later to collect the rest of her stuff. I was wondering what to do. Should I break no contact to give her stuff to her? Or should I just let one of my house mates answer the door and leave her stuff in the hallway?

[Exit]

Too many situations on these forums lately with people breaking up and then staying in each others lives. I just went through the same thing for 2 months. When did everyone forget how to break up? Haha. It's all these weak people doing the dumping, if you dump someone you have to shut the door on them, you have to tell them not to come around. The other person still loves you so if you're gonna be soft and act like you can still hang out or act like maybe you'll get back together, it just makes it worse for everyone!

 

Anyways, count me as another person who just deleted Facebook. I didn't feel like waiting to see if my ex would delete me, to see if she ended up posting a new relationship, etc.

 

As far as her coming to collect her stuff, I would say unless she contacts you and says she is looking forward to you being there, I would leave on that day and let her come get stuff on her own. I mean I suppose you could even try asking her ahead of time, if she would like you to be there and if she wants to talk about anything when she comes around, but if you are feeling better without her and know that moving on is for the best, then don't even give her the opportunity to mess with you.

 

It sounds like you are happier just moving on, but sometimes we say those things to convince ourselves that we are further along with healing than we really are. You've just got to analyze your true feelings. It's your place, you can be there if you choose to be when she comes and gets her things. Do you imagine anything good will happen from interacting with each other, or is she just going to be mean and talk about the new guys shes been hanging out with, are you going to ask her why she reactivated her Facebook and just get into an argument about things, or do you think she is capable of having a mature discussion about what you guys are going through, and decide what needs to be done or maybe have a final goodbye in person.

[Rory12345]

Cheers for the reply Evil.

 

Yea, it's annoying. Wouldn't let go and let me have my time to myself.

 

Deleting Facebook was the best thing I did. Don't have to worry about that anymore, even if I am tempted, it takes far too much effort to reactivate it.

 

Your advice was really good. I thought about it and decided that it would just be awkward as there is nothing I have to say to her or want to say to her.

 

I think I am happier moving on. I still think about her, a lot but now I am just starting to feel indifference towards her. I'd be happy enough never to see her again.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Rory12345]

Went terrible today.

 

After our exam we all went for a drink. The entire time she was all over they guy my friend saw her with, touching etc. She kept looking over at me while she was just touching him up. All my friends called her a slut!

 

I just don't understand why she did it.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Kodo]

Went terrible today.

 

After our exam we all went for a drink. The entire time she was all over they guy my friend saw her with, touching etc. She kept looking over at me while she was just touching him up. All my friends called her a slut!

 

I just don't understand why she did it.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

 

While I think your friends might have gone about it the wrong way, they're on the right track. Walk away with them.

[Chi townD]

First off, Don't feel bad about posting here so often! Post all you want! That's what we're here for!

 

Well, hell hath no fury! She's stating that she's hurting; therefore, she wants you to hurt just as bad by flirting and doing everything she said she wasn't going to do. But, she doesn't realize or doesn't care how much she's making you loathe her.

 

Best thing for you to do is to continue to work on yourself and ignore her as much as possible. Have one of your roomates let her in and pack up the rest of her stuff. Don't be there. You owe her nothing.

[Rory12345]

Cheers for the reply!

 

They didn't call it to her face, just to me.

 

I tried calling her to arrange when for her to come around but her new guy is her voicemail. I find it pathetic.

 

It hurts just because of all these promises she made me.

[Kodo]

Cheers for the reply!

 

They didn't call it to her face, just to me.

 

That's perfect then. You've got logical friends who are also sensible. Even if she was honestly over the relationship and wanted to move on, what she did is just disrepectful to you as a fellow human. She could have gone somewhere else or kept the contact to a minimum (if you didn't want to leave either). And why look over to you?

 

I tried calling her to arrange when for her to come around but her new guy is her voicemail. I find it pathetic.

 

It hurts just because of all these promises she made me.

 

Take all the items, put them in a box and bury them. If she wants them she can come get them, they are not your responsibility.

[Rory12345]

Thank you all for the replies, I appreciate it. Haven't had internet in the last few days!

 

I just don't understand why she is doing this? It's just breaking every promise she ever made to me and just treating me like ****.

 

I actually can't stand her at the moment but it still hurts and I know that she just doesn't give a flying ****!

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Gisele]

Oh Rory i've been in your exact shoes too many times. After exam drinks were the worst, you don't want to leave but it's just horrible to spend the first few minutes of freedom and relaxation seeing something like that, feels like a punch in the stomach

 

My ex did similar things. At first i thought i was imagining it to try and feel better about things, but he wasn't subtle. Staring over, walking out in front of my path when he so easily could have avoided it, being very public and very physical with her....it makes you feel like complete ****

 

Ive even had the case that on a night out, id be standing chatting to a friend and she leaned in and said with a concerned voice 'Gisele...he is GAWPING at you' and sure enough when i turned around, he was just staring at my body..he even still had his arm around her!! This went on for about 3 minutes straight until she tugged his arm, annoyed, to get his attention, and i turned away and left

 

I really beat myself up trying to make sense of his behaviour. As soon as he and I had that really sexual conversation, I (as you know) admitted i still had feelings, and what came of it? Nothing.

Well, apart from a speech about how insanely happy he is with her and i should 'hurry up and get over him'. ugh.

 

What i would give to be able to go back and stop myself from giving him that power....but it happened. Please promise me you won't do the same

 

She could be doing it to get your attention, or to try and prove she came out of the relationship looking 'better'...she could not be trying to get your attention, but is doing it to just make herself feel better and not necessarily to make you feel worse

 

Either way, GIVE HER SOMETHING TO MISS. Keep working on yourself physically, mentally etc. Hey, it's summer, no uni for us for a while so it wouldn't hurt to come back next semester as an even better version of you it's not even that difficult. Would distract you and make you feel great too!

 

Anytime you see them together, focus on anything/anyone in the room but them. Trust me, i know this shouldn't be your main goal, but it'll drive her crazy to see you couldn't give a damn/haven't even noticed her behaviour if she IS trying to get a rise out of you, and it'll just speed up your recovery to not fixate on them while they're present even if she isn't doing it for your benefit.

 

Laugh, surround yourself with friends...don't even look over at her.

 

I really hope you feel better soon. We're definitely in the same miserable boat Rory!

[Rory12345]

Thank you so much for the reply Gisele! When it was happening, you sprung to my mind!

 

I really appreciate your words, they mean a lot. I would honestly say I am over her. It's just, trust and keeping your word are the two most important things to me in anything and well, broke both. Also, she made me doubt the person I was a she called me a paranoid pathetic loser who she laughs at for saying she was with someone else, so I thought I was a bad person but low and behold, my instinct was correct!

 

Before we got together, she was like and she went I'll never do it again, well, I was wrong. I don't think she understands how much I loathe her. I find it disrespectfully to do that to anyone. I, myself, would never do that to anyone no matter what negative feelings I have for someone. To get with someone after knowing them a week......

 

I have had a massive think about it for the past few days and I take back what I said. I never loved her. I never fully trusted her, she was shady. I cared greatly but not love. The person I love will be the one who I can share everything with.

 

Yes, I've been looking after myself. With my counselling, I have never felt like I have known myself this well. I feel the happiest I have ever been. There are times when I get down but in general I feel brilliant. It's just the fact she made me doubt the person I was which is a kick in the nuts.

 

Also, I reactivated my facebook. I have enough will power to avoid her. She's not stopping me.

 

I hope you are well.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Rory12345]

Haven't been on in a while.

 

I'm struggling at this current moment in time. Generally I have been feeling pretty good but right now I feel at rock bottom.

 

Just the disregard I have gotten from her hurts so much. All the promises broken. She doesn't care about my feelings. I just want to cry.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Gisele]

Really sorry to hear it Rory i know how rough the low-points can be

 

I used to cry nearly everyday to be perfectly honest, i think it was from the strain of having to stay strong and put on a brave face 8 hours a day, which got released when i got back to my flat

 

What you might find is it doesnt get gradually better and better, but there are bad periods, then ok ones, maybe even a few good days if you're lucky, then the cycle repeats

 

The thing is, with time the bad periods WILL get shorter

 

Don't focus too much on her, and her breaking all the promises. It says more about her as a person that she couldn't stand by her word, than it does about you.

 

It's a bit rich coming from me, but don't ever let her make you feel like less of a person, or undesirable, because of what's happened. Or at least never let it show.

 

Pretend she doesnt exist, especially since it's summer and you won't have to see her. Out of the few options we have, it's the most logical and sensible choice.

 

And remember: no matter what's happened with her, no matter how bad the break-up was, RIGHT NOW she doesn't know how bad you're feeling. From her perspective, she doesn't have a clue, and that's just how it should be.

 

You do still have your pride.

 

And it hurts thinking about how they 'don't care about us' anymore. Give her the impression you don't care either!

 

Like i said, our options are few, and we WILL sit around thinking 'why him/her to replace me...when did they stop caring...what can i do in this situation...'

I think only time, and NC, will reduce the strength and frequency of those thoughts

 

You seem like a really decent, caring guy. Fight through the pain in private, keep venting here as much as possible, and remember that.

Maybe one day she'll remember it too. But by then, with any luck, you'll have moved on to bigger and better things, and a girl who can properly return your feelings and attention.

 

You WERE happy before her, and you'll be happy again some day. You're young, so am i, and it's a blessing when it comes to break-ups, no matter how painful they are, because time and possibilities are on our side.

 

When you're sitting somewhere with a gorgeous new girl one day, you'll look back at this all and be glad that the experience toughened you up, but realise the break-up was the best thing that happened with her in the end

[Rory12345]

Gisele,

 

Thank you so much. You made me smile, I appreciate it.

 

I've been in that cycle for a while now. I felt mainly great just came over me all of a sudden! Hugh Laurie's new album cheered me up with the aid of you as well!

 

I'm going to get plodding through life, I guess, like many others my ego has been bruised as she has someone else and I don't.

 

How are you by the way? I hope everything is well.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Rory12345]

Hello, haven't been on in a while as I don't have internet!

 

Today is my 21st birthday. (In all honesty, I don't understand why such a massive thing is made about this, as, in the uk I can do everything and have been classed as an "adult" since I was 18.) I haven't got a text from my ex and I doubt I will but I don't think I care anymore.

 

On Friday I was chatting to one of my friends about the whole situation and I realised that I don't care anymore. I just have no feelings about this situation. It doesn't hurt anymore, I don't miss her anymore. The thought of her with another man/boy/guy doesn't affect me at all. In my opinion it's a rebound and she is doing her own way of getting over me. I wish her the best of luck. She still is on my mind as I spent a intense year with her but I don't miss them they are just there as they are recent.

 

I am going to be polite if I see her but that is all. She did disrespect and humiliate me that day, so she doesn't deserve my friendship or trust. I haven't broke NC and won't. I promised myself that and I am going to keep it.

 

I am going to take a photo of all her stuff just to show I have placed it all there and after that it isn't my problem. She emailed me about sorting out our house next year but it didn't warrant a reply, so she won't be getting one.

 

There are moments when I crave female attention or don't want to be single but I'm not going to act on them.

 

I have never felt happier in myself then I do now. This month has been a rollercoaster for me but after my counselling I feel a better person.

 

I would just like to say thank you to everyone for helping!

 

Regards,

 

Rory