OMG, who DOES this??!!

[Zolie]

My husband is driving me crazy!! Not even sure where to post this. I am so frustrated right now I just have to post somewhere so I won't go off on him!

 

He won't answer his phone!!! He works mostly nights and I work days, so the only way we can converse is by phone. He works retail so he does not have email at work.

 

He is not a phone person. He leaves it in his car most of the time! And if he does have it on him, he forgets to turn on the sound.

 

No, he's not having an affair. Yes I am 100% certain.

 

I have been calling him for the last 10 hours. 10 hours!!!! Do you know how infuriating it is to call your spouse for 10 hours straight and not have them answer??????

 

I started calling before he had to leave for work. He probably let the battery run out.

 

I can't gripe at him, though. First of all it won't do any good - he just shuts me out when I gripe. How do I know? We have been married 32 years - but we separated 6 years ago, and just reconciled 6 months ago.

 

One of the reasons we separated was because he neglected me. In many ways. And I nagged. He neglected, I nagged. I nagged, he neglected. Don't ask me which came first.

 

When we reconciled, I vowed to stop the nagging and just be more relaxed about life in general, but especially about the idiot things he does that drive me crazy. I have succeeded in that endeavor very well and I am a much happier person! And we have been enjoying an amazing new life together! We truly love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We have a good time together, and I have learned to get over my irritations at him. I no longer let the few things that bother me about him override the many things that I love about him. Our reconciliation has been the BEST thing we ever did.

 

But, if he doesn't start answering his &%*$ phone, I am going to leave him all over again! Not really, but I swear, he is making me crazy with this.

 

It wouldn't be so bad if our current work schedules weren't completely opposite. It's a complicated situation and I won't bore you with all those details. The point is, we can't go an entire day with zero communication! He doesn't GET that! But, it's not good! It's not good for our marriage, and it's not good in case of an emergency.

 

Yes, I can call him at his store in a real emergency, but he's often not available, and if he is available he is short with me because he's so busy. I can't have a real conversation with him about anything of consequence, on his work phone.

 

So, I try the cell phone. I rarely call it, because I know he doesn't answer it. I haven't called him during the day in several days. But today, I NEEDED to talk to him. I am soooooo freakin' annoyed right now.

 

He will be home in an hour or so, but I will hopefully be asleep by then - I have to get up in 6 hours for my job. And he will sleep until noon tomorrow. I will try to call him again at noon tomorrow. And he won't answer again.

 

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Make time special time for one another when you both aren't working. Leave eachother love notes in the house. Instead of freaking out and being upset about his phone not being on or him not answering, accept that you KNOW it isn't personal and he's not a phone person. And you know he's not cheating on you.

Now, there should be a compromise with the calls. He should a few days a week have a set time to answer his phone so you two can catch up.

And mention too, what if there was a huge emergency and you needed him? though I assume you could call his retail store and someone would pass the phone to him..

 

Just back off and don't push it, all that does is work you up and piss him off, push him into purposely avoiding answering.

[xxoo]

I can relate to your H here, because neither H nor I routinely take our cell phone to work (often leave it in the car).

 

I don't understand why you didn't call the main retail number and relay a message, rather than calling his cell phone for 10 hours??? If it was truly important, call the store and leave a message for him to call you at his next break. That's what we've done for years and years...but, then again, we've been married since before cellphones

 

Together, you need to figure out a way to stay connected during the workweek, but him taking a cellphone to work is not the only possible solution there. There are a lot of ways to improve that situation, but demanding that he take and answer his phone is not helping you find a solution that works for both of you.

[carhill]

What did you do during that portion of your very long marriage before the advent of instant communication? I was thinking back to that rotary dial phone on the wall with the tethered handset and how my mom said goodbye to dad in the morning and hello in the evening when he arrived home from work. They were married 32 years too, until he died.

 

xxoo, she's been married since before cell phones too, since 1979. Cell phones didn't come on the scene in any big way until the 1990's. They must've survived somehow, given their very different communication styles.

 

OP, during your separations, did you ever receive counseling?

[Zolie]

Make time special time for one another when you both aren't working. Leave eachother love notes in the house. Instead of freaking out and being upset about his phone not being on or him not answering, accept that you KNOW it isn't personal and he's not a phone person. And you know he's not cheating on you.

Now, there should be a compromise with the calls. He should a few days a week have a set time to answer his phone so you two can catch up.

And mention too, what if there was a huge emergency and you needed him? though I assume you could call his retail store and someone would pass the phone to him..

 

Just back off and don't push it, all that does is work you up and piss him off, push him into purposely avoiding answering.

 

Thank you for your response. I am sorry I didn't reply right away. This is the first chance I have had to get back on the forum.

 

<<Make time special time for one another when you both aren't working.>>

 

Yes, we do do that. Since we currently work opposite shifts many days, we make time to spend quality time together when we are off at the same time. It actually works well for us - we cherish our special time together since it often comes after 3 or 4 days or not seeing each other except in passing.

 

<<accept that you KNOW it isn't personal and he's not a phone person.>>

 

Thanks for that reminder; it's good advice. I do know it is not personal. He is not trying to avoid me. He is just forgetful, and a cell phone is not a priority to him.

 

I guess that is what my real complaint is: I am annoyed that he doesn't consider a cell phone important - because I equate that as him not thinking being available to talk to me during the day/evening as important. Those of us who are attached to our phones know it's because we consider being able to have 24/7 contact with our loved ones as very important.

 

Thanks again for answering. I was very frustrated that night and I didn't want to pounce on him when he came home, so I posted here instead.

[Zolie]

I can relate to your H here, because neither H nor I routinely take our cell phone to work (often leave it in the car).

 

I don't understand why you didn't call the main retail number and relay a message, rather than calling his cell phone for 10 hours??? If it was truly important, call the store and leave a message for him to call you at his next break. That's what we've done for years and years...but, then again, we've been married since before cellphones

 

Together, you need to figure out a way to stay connected during the workweek, but him taking a cellphone to work is not the only possible solution there. There are a lot of ways to improve that situation, but demanding that he take and answer his phone is not helping you find a solution that works for both of you.

 

<<I don't understand why you didn't call the main retail number and relay a message, rather than calling his cell phone for 10 hours??? If it was truly important, call the store and leave a message for him to call you at his next break.>>

 

"Yes, I can call him at his store in a real emergency, but he's often not available, and if he is available he is short with me because he's so busy. I can't have a real conversation with him about anything of consequence, on his work phone."

 

I did mention in my first post that I know I can call his store in a real emergency, but the thing I needed to talk to him about that day was not an emergency. It was important, yes, but not an emergency. And as I mentioned I can't have a real conversation with him on the work phone. Either he is with a customer, in which case he cannot have a financial discussion with his wife, or his co-workers can hear, or he is doing busy work. And if I interrupt him at work, he is often short with me. That doesn't bother me - I just know I can't have a serious conversation with him on the store phone where numerous people can hear.

 

<<Together, you need to figure out a way to stay connected during the workweek, but him taking a cellphone to work is not the only possible solution there.>>

 

But, it really is the only solution. Since we can't really use the store phone, and he doesn't have email, and neither of us know how to use smoke signals , then the cell phone is the only solution. It IS why cell phones were invented, lol. It IS why he even has the cell phone - to stay connected to his family. He just forgets and leaves it in his car for 10 hours straight.

 

Thank you for replying.

[reboot]

If someone calls me all the time when I'm at work or otherwise busy, I cut my phone off. Or "leave it in the car". The man is at work and you're being selfish.

[Zolie]

What did you do during that portion of your very long marriage before the advent of instant communication? I was thinking back to that rotary dial phone on the wall with the tethered handset and how my mom said goodbye to dad in the morning and hello in the evening when he arrived home from work. They were married 32 years too, until he died.

 

xxoo, she's been married since before cell phones too, since 1979. Cell phones didn't come on the scene in any big way until the 1990's. They must've survived somehow, given their very different communication styles.

 

OP, during your separations, did you ever receive counseling?

 

<<What did you do during that portion of your very long marriage before the advent of instant communication?>>

 

Back then we lived and worked very close together. He worked for a different retailer then, and although phone calls at his work were just as difficult then as they are now, I was able to go into his store more often and visit him if necessary. Now, though, he works a good distance away from my job and our home, so driving to his store is not really an option.

 

And food for thought: the whole purpose of inventions and progress is to improve the quality of our existence. Just because we spent the first 20 years of our marriage without cell phones for instant communication, doesn't mean we have to spend the rest of our marriage suffering without instant communication, since it IS now available. lol

 

But, you hit on a very good point. As I mentioned in my reply to WhichWayIsUp, I think I have figured out what I am really annoyed about is the fact he doesn't consider the cell phone - i.e. instant communication with me - as important as I do. You all helped me see that.

 

You also hit the nail on the head in reference to us having very different communication styles. Whew, that's an understatement! My phone sits on my desk directly in front of my computer, propped up, so I can see it when a call is coming in. Out of respect for my co-workers I keep my phone on silent while at work, but I can see it the entire time, except when in meetings. Also out of respect to my co-workers (despite their lack of the same), I do not take my phone to meetings, and I have a lot of those at work (groan). But, I check my phone first thing when I get back to my desk! I don't get a lot of calls, but I want to be available when any members of my family needs to talk to me!

 

So, in conclusion I realize I will just have to accept that my husband has a different level of attachment to his cell phone than I do. If he leaves his phone in the car, and I truly need to get hold of him I can call the store. Otherwise, I will just have to practice some patience and wait to talk to him when he gets home, or for our next day off together. (which is sometimes 2 or 3 days away! )

 

Thank you all for your replies.

[Zolie]

If someone calls me all the time when I'm at work or otherwise busy, I cut my phone off. Or "leave it in the car". The man is at work and you're being selfish.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read all of the posts with my explanations, including that we work opposite shifts and must sometimes have conversations during both of our work times, before coming to your very clever and helpful conjecture.

 

I suppose he is also being selfish when he calls me at work?

[carhill]

A couple who are good friends and have been married 47 years literally do not do anything separately. They ran their business together and, now retired, go and do everything together. Even when the husband gets up early to take me to the airport to fly home, his wife is right up with us and in the car. They shop together, even for groceries. If he's in the pool, she's not far behind. Etc, etc. It works for them. Myself, I'd feel smothered and smothering.

 

OP, try taking this quiz and examining the results. IMO, the better we understand ourselves and our own intrinsic 'styles' of connection, communication, relation, etc, the healthier a partner we can be. Hope it works out

[Emme]

Um... I don't answer my phone either. I don't even check messages. Why ... I can't be bothered. In my opinion people take cell phones and abuse them. They were intended for emergencies. Not long conversations and tracking devices. What you need is to either find a position where the both of you will have the quality time that you need. One of you choose... a sacrifice has to be made. Either it's finding time on your days off to build on your love. Start a new career that has some similar hours where you'll be able to appreciate each other. Don't be so angry... Just be grateful this is not a real emergency and he isn't picking up the phone.

[nyc_guy2003]

1) In case you haven't kept up with technology since the turn of the century, phones these days have both email and telephony capabilities. So not having email at work is not a good excuse for you. Yahoo email is free, and installing it on your PDA is also free.

 

2) I used to work at a department store as a teenager and my parents would call me at least twice a week at work and I would get paged over the storewide intercom to pick up the phone. Try doing that a few times a week and he will learn real quick that carrying a cellphone is a better alternative than getting paged by the wife in front of hundreds of customers.

[xxoo]

<<I don't understand why you didn't call the main retail number and relay a message, rather than calling his cell phone for 10 hours??? If it was truly important, call the store and leave a message for him to call you at his next break.>>

 

"Yes, I can call him at his store in a real emergency, but he's often not available, and if he is available he is short with me because he's so busy. I can't have a real conversation with him about anything of consequence, on his work phone."

 

I did mention in my first post that I know I can call his store in a real emergency, but the thing I needed to talk to him about that day was not an emergency. It was important, yes, but not an emergency. And as I mentioned I can't have a real conversation with him on the work phone. Either he is with a customer, in which case he cannot have a financial discussion with his wife, or his co-workers can hear, or he is doing busy work. And if I interrupt him at work, he is often short with me. That doesn't bother me - I just know I can't have a serious conversation with him on the store phone where numerous people can hear.

 

<<Together, you need to figure out a way to stay connected during the workweek, but him taking a cellphone to work is not the only possible solution there.>>

 

But, it really is the only solution. Since we can't really use the store phone, and he doesn't have email, and neither of us know how to use smoke signals , then the cell phone is the only solution. It IS why cell phones were invented, lol. It IS why he even has the cell phone - to stay connected to his family. He just forgets and leaves it in his car for 10 hours straight.

 

Thank you for replying.

 

Does he not have breaks?

 

If you leave a message at the main # ("please have H call me at his next break"), then can he go get the cell phone from the car and call you back privately.

 

At least you'll talk to a person if you call the main #, rather than redialing the cellphone in the car for 10 hours. Was he annoyed when he saw all those missed calls from you?

[Zolie]

1) In case you haven't kept up with technology since the turn of the century, phones these days have both email and telephony capabilities. So not having email at work is not a good excuse for you. Yahoo email is free, and installing it on your PDA is also free.

 

2) I used to work at a department store as a teenager and my parents would call me at least twice a week at work and I would get paged over the storewide intercom to pick up the phone. Try doing that a few times a week and he will learn real quick that carrying a cellphone is a better alternative than getting paged by the wife in front of hundreds of customers.

 

LOL, to both of your comments. The first one won't work if he doesn't have his phone on him in the first place! lol Also, if I can't get him to care about using a simple cell phone for phone calls, you think I am going to get him to use a cell phone for email? He won't even do text messages! But you gave me a good laugh!

 

The second one is funny, too, and just might work! lol But, my intent is not to embarrass or harass him at work. My original post was really just a vent on a day when I had been trying to reach him for hours and couldn't, so I was extremely frustrated. I was doubly frustrated knowing the reason I couldn't reach him was because I knew he had left his phone in his car yet again.

[Kamille]

Both my boyfriend and I are disasters with cell phones. So I've been on both sides of the equation. I've been the person trying to get a hold of him, I've also been the person who's forgotten her phone / left it on silent / forgot to charge it.

 

From those experiences, here is what I do. I leave one message "Thinking of you! Call me if you get a chance". Then I go about my day and if bf by miracle gets the message and calls me back, it's a super nice treat.

 

It may sound lame, but it works for us.

[Zolie]

Does he not have breaks?

 

If you leave a message at the main # ("please have H call me at his next break"), then can he go get the cell phone from the car and call you back privately.

 

At least you'll talk to a person if you call the main #, rather than redialing the cellphone in the car for 10 hours. Was he annoyed when he saw all those missed calls from you?

 

<<Does he not have breaks?>>

 

Funny that you ask that. The man doesn't take formal breaks. He is a complicated person. He is a very hard worker and is in "full on work mode" when he is at work. When he is home, he works just as hard on his relaxation, lol.

 

But, I appreciate your suggestion. And yes, you are actually correct that I could leave a message. I think I will give this a try for the near future. Since it is clear he is not as attached to his cell phone as I wish he was, then my only option is to call him at the store and wait for his call back.

 

Nope, he wasn't annoyed about all the missed calls - he doesn't pay attention to missed calls. I tell you, he doesn't "do" cell phones, lol.

[Zolie]

Both my boyfriend and I are disasters with cell phones. So I've been on both sides of the equation. I've been the person trying to get a hold of him, I've also been the person who's forgotten her phone / left it on silent / forgot to charge it.

 

From those experiences, here is what I do. I leave one message "Thinking of you! Call me if you get a chance". Then I go about my day and if bf by miracle gets the message and calls me back, it's a super nice treat.

 

It may sound lame, but it works for us.

 

Not lame at all! You have found a solution that works for you.

[Zolie]

Um... I don't answer my phone either. I don't even check messages. Why ... I can't be bothered. In my opinion people take cell phones and abuse them. They were intended for emergencies.

 

You must be his twin.

[Emme]

You must be his twin.

 

Nah.... I'm worse... I hardly speak. Which for a woman I've heard is rare.

 

So when are you going to get another job to find time for your marriage?

[Zolie]

OP, try taking this quiz and examining the results. IMO, the better we understand ourselves and our own intrinsic 'styles' of connection, communication, relation, etc, the healthier a partner we can be. Hope it works out

 

Thanks for the quiz link. I love quizzes lol. Here are my results:

 

"According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 2.00, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 2.40, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance). <snip> Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure quadrant."

 

I do want to point out that my need to reach my husband during his working hours has nothing to do my level of attachment to him. It really is only about our opposite hours right now. I can go all day and all night without talking to him just fine, when I don't have a pressing need to talk to him.

 

In fact, until a couple of weeks ago we would sometimes go 2-3 days without talking to each other at all. We only reconciled 6 months ago and lived apart during the previous 6 years while we were separated. Until 2 weeks ago we were still living in separate apartments because our leases were not up yet. After the reconciliation we often did not talk on the days he worked nights, simply because we didn't need to. We knew we loved each other and would see each other soon.

 

My frustration the other night when I posted was really just about not being able to reach him when I wanted to.

[Zolie]

Nah.... I'm worse... I hardly speak. Which for a woman I've heard is rare.

 

So when are you going to get another job to find time for your marriage?

 

My job is usually a normal 9-5, M-F job. My recent shift change to early in the day is due to the recent rash of tornados across the US. I work in disaster relief, and it was necessary for me to switch to an earlier shift in order to support disaster victims. I will go back to 9-5 in a few weeks.

 

His shift changed recently to working more nights, when he had to take over for an absent shift manager. Although it looks like he may have to stay on this shift for several months.

[nothingbutblueskies]

It sounds to me like you got rid of all your nagging qualities, but this one, which is how he might be viewing it if you're making a big deal out of it. I understand that it's difficult and that you guys may not talk as often as you'd like, but there are other avenues for communicating than the one you're on. Leave him notes around the house at random, in his pocket, in his car asking him to call you on his break. If it's important call his work. If you just want to see or hear from him, drop by his job every now and again and say hello. Make it fun.

 

When you do have time to sit down and talk with one another, bring it up to him in a non judgmental way. It will never get better if you don't make an effort to effect change. That's my non-married .02 at least.

[Zolie]

It sounds to me like you got rid of all your nagging qualities, but this one, which is how he might be viewing it if you're making a big deal out of it. I understand that it's difficult and that you guys may not talk as often as you'd like, but there are other avenues for communicating than the one you're on. Leave him notes around the house at random, in his pocket, in his car asking him to call you on his break. If it's important call his work. If you just want to see or hear from him, drop by his job every now and again and say hello. Make it fun.

 

When you do have time to sit down and talk with one another, bring it up to him in a non judgmental way. It will never get better if you don't make an effort to effect change. That's my non-married .02 at least.

 

Thanks, blueskies. I do like the idea of leaving notes for him. He would really like that, so I will start doing it. Thanks!

[Zolie]

It sounds to me like you got rid of all your nagging qualities

 

Oh, and thanks for noticing! I have been working on it! The bonus is, it made BOTH of us happier!

[Tayla]

Zollie, some of my male co-workers/boss's have wives, and come lunchtime they have to "check-in" with the Mrs. Its rather the talk of the day after they get done comparing notes, sometimes they get an earful and that sets the day for moodiness. Or they get a laundry list of "honeydolist after work" . I can say as the Lady who views this on a Daily basis its humorous yet to them its almost like they are "bound" to this task. I rather feel sorry for them sometimes. Most guys at my "busy" sales place are good hearted and DO speak well of the MRS, they just consider the noon time phone call to be a "chore" rather then a moment to touch base with the love of their lives.

 

So whilst I do GET how you have run with technology, from the other persons's perspective it may not have the appeal .....even if a set time is put into place....

 

I admire that you can overlook the small stuff because at the end of each day you get to have love in your heart and he you.