I Broke NC & Payed A Very Traumatic Price For It

[TG4MJ]

I have no idea where to even start on this, let alone how to categorize it. Well, I was in a relationship with a woman, things were good, then out of nowhere, she would slap me for stuff ranging from talking to other women to purchasing the wrong size of clothing for her, often with enough force that it would leave bruises or cuts. Then I broke up with her, then we got back together again. Things were finally normal, then we got in an arguement, and she told me not to talk to her anymore, then I tried to win her back, and she got mad that I went to her house after she told me not to talk her and not only slapped me, but also punched me and kicked me in the face a bunch of times. I decided to just stay away from her because while the physical part didn't affect me, the emotional part was worse and I didn't want to go thru that anymore.

 

She periodically calls and texts, or Emails, saying she's sad and misses me and wants me back, she's left voice messages crying and swearing she'd never hit me again. This weekend I gave in to the crying and pleading and went to her house, her kids were with the dad and she was alone and drunk. I have a heart, I thought in her state of mind she needed someone and I'd feel bad if I wasn't there for her. When I arrived, she basically wanted to be held, and I held her, and everything seemed ok, and I felt like maybe things were going to be different. Then, out of nowhere, she literally tore my shirt trying to take it off, I tried to make her stop but she pinned me down and started punching me on the chest and stomach. She tried to presumably give me oral sex, I think, but would just bite me and squeeze or twist my privates. Anytime I tried to get away from her she'd punch me in the stomach or kidneys and tell me not to move. For almost two hours she would just alternate between pinching me, punching, biting and hurting my private parts then, just passed out. I quickly got dressed and raced home and just showered until the hot water ran cold. There were bruises, scratches and bite marks all over my legs, stomach and chest. I didn't sleep for almost two days, my heart was beating superfast, I was naseous, I started crying at work in the middle of a call and I freaked my supervisor out bad.

 

I feel like a complete and utter moron. I mean, she swore she'd never hit me again, and while I was always on the look out for a slap or something, I never in a million years thought she'd do this. I feel degraded and dehumanized and very embarassed. I have no idea how to handle it or what to do about it. And just when it couldn't get any more messed up, she swears she doesn't remember any of what she did. You all are literally the first people I tell about this. I guess that's what I get for having a heart and wanting to be compassionate and caring.

[marqueemoon4]

um, at this point I would say you should probably change your phone # and never speak to her again.

[Sugarkane]

Wow this woman has SERIOUS issues. Run in the opposite direction man! Delete the biatch!

[Duckduckgoose]

Whoa... that woman is ****ing crazy...

 

You are not doing yourself any favors by running to her rescue everytime she needs it. In fact, you are literally setting yourself up for punishment.

 

There are women out there that won't hit or hurt you! Go find them and let this crazy bitch alone!

[usabup]

Dude, what are you moaning about, that sounds like one wild night! Some men would pay good money for those kind of services.

 

If I was you, I'd drink a bottle of Jack Daniels and hook up with that crazy nutjob again tonight!

[radiodarcy]

oh my! this woman sounds incredibly unstable, to say the least! you are not doing her any favors by being there for her if she's going to treat you this way. stick with NC and don't respond to her under any circumstances. she needs professional help that you can't give her.

[mickleb]

She needs help and you need help. Part of the help you need is protection from her. The incidents previous to the other night were, without doubt, abusive but she has seriously assaulted you and you need to react appropriately. I suggest you report the latest incident to the police. If they choose to view it as, merely, domestic abuse and not take it seriously, at the very least, it is on record which will help when she ups her game (which I am quite convinced she will do). It will also help her to understand that a) her behaviour is criminal and serious and that b) you will no longer accept it.

 

You require some committed therapy to figure out why you put up with her appalling behaviour towards you. You should have spotted the red flags a long time ago and had enough self-respect to protect yourself but, for some reason, you valued her feelings over you own. You should not have. I understand you feel you were being kind - and kind is lovely - but this response is way beyond kind. It is self-destructive and, I'm sad to say, enabling. Rather than help this woman, you have (effectively) encouraged her.

 

She does need help but you are the last person able to give it to her. Her kids probably need some help too, and the police can decide whether social services need to ensure that she and they are okay. But, ultimately, she MUST be responsible for herself. Hopefully, social services will help her but compassion is no longer your duty.

 

You know this is wrong. Stop allowing it. For the record (although I understand what you mean regarding this comment) the physical abuse DID affect you. It made your flesh swell and your skin bleed, possibly a lot worse. Do not dismiss how wrong this is.

 

Take care. We're here. Also, try posting in the abuse forums as this most definitely qualifies and there are people who will be able to give you some really good advice there.

 

x

[Frank13]

I have never hit a woman. I might even accept a slap in the face if I deservered it. However, when a woman puts herself in a man's position by punching and kicking a man, she deserves to be hit back.

 

If you don't want to show her who the man is, stop seeing her and get a restraining order.

[mickleb]

I have never hit a woman. I might even accept a slap in the face if I deservered it. However, when a woman puts herself in a man's position by punching and kicking a man, she deserves to be hit back.

 

If you don't want to show her who the man is, stop seeing her and get a restraining order.

 

I strongly disagree. Physical violence is not a demonstration of control but a lack of it.

 

x

[Badenov]

RUN!!!

 

Seriously, if the sexes were switched she'd be in jail & you'd have a Lifetime Movie Network miniseries about you. Let's be clear: SHE WILL NEVER STOP ABUSING YOU! She's crazy & she likes it. She needs to go online & join a S&M club. You need to stay clear of her before she messes you up mentally & emotionally as well as physically.

[Frank13]

I strongly disagree. Physical violence is not a demonstration of control but a lack of it.

 

x

 

I disagree. As I said, when a woman puts herself in a man's position by punching or kicking a man, the man has every right to defend himself including striking the woman to stop the attack. Had the OP done this from the start, it would not have escalated.

 

So if you significant other is attacked on the street, you will just stand there and watch as it would be taking control of the situation, as opposed to using force to stop the attack? That's what I call a victim.

[Vitai Slade]

I agree 100%

 

Once a woman turns to physical violence, she no longer is a woman to me and deserves to be knocked the **** out. I don't tolerate being hit by anyone. If you want to hit me, expect to be hit back.

[GreenPolicy]

It is beyond obvious that your ex is a borderline.

 

Check out bpdfamiliy.com for more information.

[mickleb]

I disagree. As I said, when a woman puts herself in a man's position by punching or kicking a man, the man has every right to defend himself including striking the woman to stop the attack. Had the OP done this from the start, it would not have escalated.

 

So if you significant other is attacked on the street, you will just stand there and watch as it would be taking control of the situation, as opposed to using force to stop the attack? That's what I call a victim.

 

I'd call the authorities, intervene verbally and use the defence / restraint / de-arming techniques I've learnt, as necessary. You can de-escalate / defend a violent situation without resorting to violence, yourself. You can instruct anyone willing and able to help to assist, also. It's a big part of how I used to make my living.

 

The best defence to aggression in my experience, however, is to avoid presenting as a victim (in a non-violent way). Again, this is something that can be learnt and practised but it's well worth the effort. It won't keep you safe in any situation but it's your best strategy in most. Obviously, if you can escape a dangerous situation, it makes sense to do so, also.

 

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Edited May 28, 2011 by mickleb

[radiodarcy]

I disagree. As I said, when a woman puts herself in a man's position by punching or kicking a man, the man has every right to defend himself including striking the woman to stop the attack. Had the OP done this from the start, it would not have escalated.

 

So if you significant other is attacked on the street, you will just stand there and watch as it would be taking control of the situation, as opposed to using force to stop the attack? That's what I call a victim.

 

it isn't anyone's "position" to hit someone- - whether they're a male or female. i don't care if it's a man hitting another man or woman or a woman hitting a man or another woman. violence it not the way to solve a conflict.

 

restraining a person in order to quell a violent act (as mickleb says above) is one thing. hitting a person to stop them from hitting someone else is only going to escalate the situation further. as the saying goes, "violence begets violence"

[TG4MJ]

She needs help and you need help. Part of the help you need is protection from her. The incidents previous to the other night were, without doubt, abusive but she has seriously assaulted you and you need to react appropriately. I suggest you report the latest incident to the police. If they choose to view it as, merely, domestic abuse and not take it seriously, at the very least, it is on record which will help when she ups her game (which I am quite convinced she will do). It will also help her to understand that a) her behaviour is criminal and serious and that b) you will no longer accept it.

 

You require some committed therapy to figure out why you put up with her appalling behaviour towards you. You should have spotted the red flags a long time ago and had enough self-respect to protect yourself but, for some reason, you valued her feelings over you own. You should not have. I understand you feel you were being kind - and kind is lovely - but this response is way beyond kind. It is self-destructive and, I'm sad to say, enabling. Rather than help this woman, you have (effectively) encouraged her.

 

She does need help but you are the last person able to give it to her. Her kids probably need some help too, and the police can decide whether social services need to ensure that she and they are okay. But, ultimately, she MUST be responsible for herself. Hopefully, social services will help her but compassion is no longer your duty.

 

You know this is wrong. Stop allowing it. For the record (although I understand what you mean regarding this comment) the physical abuse DID affect you. It made your flesh swell and your skin bleed, possibly a lot worse. Do not dismiss how wrong this is.

 

Take care. We're here. Also, try posting in the abuse forums as this most definitely qualifies and there are people who will be able to give you some really good advice there.

 

x

 

Na man, that's the thing, I don't seek out this kind of stuff, I just figured, well, she seemed sincere every time she said she wouldn't hit me anymore, and these last few times things were very normal before she'd lose her cool with me. And even if I did go to the authorities, what am I gonna tell them ? That a cougar roughed me up while trying to have what I assume was sex ? Does that even make sense ? I'm sorry but that just sounds weird, a woman hitting a guy and forcing him to have rough sex with her, does that even count as a crime ? I hear about men doing that kind of stuff to women, but I've never heard of a situation where the genders were reversed. I don't know, it just all seems weird and alien to me.

 

Oh, and to those who keep on suggesting I hit a woman, I'm sorry but I'm just not gonna do it. I don't care what anyone says or does, there's no way you can ever convince me to do it because hitting a female is just not in me. If it's another guy then I could care less, but I'm never gonna hit a woman so stop suggesting it because you're wasting your time.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I really hate society and gender roles. If a girl had posted this, everyone would've said, you were raped, call the police! But the majority just tell him to simply stay away and not do anything else, simply because he's a man. And because men can't call rape, or abuse, or whatever. Well, you were sexually assaulted, I'm sorry to say. I dont care that you are a man, and she is a woman. You are a human being who was de-clothed unwillingly and injured repeatedly in a 2-hour horror fest. I do think you should have used your self defense... because I mean, would you have let her kill you if she really wanted to, just because you weren't willing to fight back? Anyway, if you didn't want to hit her, at least go report her.

[mickleb]

I suggest you report the latest incident to the police. If they choose to view it as, merely, domestic abuse and not take it seriously, at the very least, it is on record which will help when she ups her game (which I am quite convinced she will do).

 

Having it on record is not going to harm you but it could greatly benefit you. I'm not a lawyer and I live in the UK but, from your description, I would say charges would probably be sexual assualt and GBH.

 

You require some committed therapy to figure out why you put up with her appalling behaviour towards you. You should have spotted the red flags a long time ago and had enough self-respect to protect yourself but, for some reason, you valued her feelings over you own.

 

Whether you report it or not, ensure you have NO CONTACT with this person. Ensure they have no access to you. Then seek out a therapist. I didn't say you consciously sought out abuse - people rarely do - but stop excusing yourself for being so easily persuaded by her promises that it would never happen again, and her 'normal behaviour' prior to the attacks. Instead, try figuring out why you returned to an abuser, rather than direct her to the nearest psychiatric professional. If you don't do this you may find yourself, unconsciously, seeking out further mistreatment - from her or from the next deeply troubled woman who behaves 'normally', for a bit, towards you.

 

Good luck.

 

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[mickleb]

Well, that was one journey you've taken me on, TG. (Who is MJ, BTW?) I've just felt the need to read through your entire back catalogue of posts, from your justification for breaking another man's jaw to your justification for this.

 

It seems you have spent a lot of time around people with serious issues and, as a result, can't see you own. All of the situations you have asked for advice on result from your desperation to be loved. You have travelled so far in the wrong direction, in your search for fulfillment, that you need to justify your route. Admitting the road you're on leads to further disaster would be very painful.

 

You can carry on down that road if you choose. No-one here can stop you and some very wise people have tried, very hard. If you are tired of it, then consider that no-one else will be able to give you the validation you seek (only you can do that). If you would like a bit of help off that road, a therapist would be far better able than, even, the most erudite poster here, to help you find a map.

 

I will continue to read your posts with interest, to see which path you choose.

 

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