justaname Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) The kids need a father, she needs a lover, I don't mind having time to do my own thing. It seems like this is not the worst of all situations. She chooses him, she loses love (they don't even sleep together). She chooses me, life gets sorta chaotic for a while at least. Staying on the DL and pretending we're just best friends seems like the least stressful option, honestly. Sure, he'd be hurt if he found out, but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong. If I were gay and my parents were intractably homophobic, the right thing to do would be to live my life and just not tell them. It would just mean that there was part of my life that I was keeping just for me. Seems like the same logic here. Edited May 26, 2011 by justaname Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 At some point, weather your the gay son or the OM you need to be true to yourself or at the very least not be dishonest with the people in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justaname Posted May 26, 2011 Author Share Posted May 26, 2011 At some point, weather your the gay son or the OM you need to be true to yourself or at the very least not be dishonest with the people in your life. My relationship with MW *is* both of us being true to ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 The kids need a father, she needs a lover, I don't mind having time to do my own thing. It seems like this is not the worst of all situations. She chooses him, she loses love (they don't even sleep together). She chooses me, life gets sorta chaotic for a while at least. Staying on the DL and pretending we're just best friends seems like the least stressful option, honestly. Sure, he'd be hurt if he found out, but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong. If I were gay and my parents were intractably homophobic, the right thing to do would be to live my life and just not tell them. It would just mean that there was part of my life that I was keeping just for me. Seems like the same logic here. LOL seriously? You are using remaining in the gay closet as your reasoning to have an affair? You think they relate in some way? If you are gay and remain in the closet to spare your parents grief who exactly is that harming? Wait wait I know this one. NOBODY but yourself because you can not be your true self in front of your parents. (general you) Now if you remain in an affair with someone who are you harming? See if you can figure this one out! I bet you can. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 My relationship with MW *is* both of us being true to ourselves. LOL the MARRIED woman is not being true to herself. She is lying to her husband, kids, coworker, extended family and possibly YOU daily. She is sneaking around having sex with you and then going home to her husband with a smile on her face secretly thinking of your sex. How exactly is that her being true to herself. If you were being true to herself you would face this head on and realize you want her entirely not just the pieces of her you get when her husband and family is not around. You are not being true. You have decided to deal with it and are making up justifications to do just that. Enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justaname Posted May 26, 2011 Author Share Posted May 26, 2011 LOL the MARRIED woman is not being true to herself. She is lying to her husband, kids, coworker, extended family and possibly YOU daily. She is sneaking around having sex with you and then going home to her husband with a smile on her face secretly thinking of your sex. How exactly is that her being true to herself. If you were being true to herself you would face this head on and realize you want her entirely not just the pieces of her you get when her husband and family is not around. You are not being true. You have decided to deal with it and are making up justifications to do just that. Enjoy. She's being true to herself and just not talking about it to anyone else. Hostile much? Even my therapist thinks it's sometimes a good idea and suggested that if we could manage it without stress it might be better than the alternative. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 She's being true to herself and just not talking about it to anyone else. Hostile much? Even my therapist thinks it's sometimes a good idea and suggested that if we could manage it without stress it might be better than the alternative. So her true self is someone who wants a husband and her lover and you are just happy with that? No I'm not hostile at all. I wasn't mean. I am just trying to help you see your words through a different interpretation. Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 My relationship with MW *is* both of us being true to ourselves. Then why is she sneaking around behind her husbands back with you? Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 She's being true to herself and just not talking about it to anyone else. Hostile much? Even my therapist thinks it's sometimes a good idea and suggested that if we could manage it without stress it might be better than the alternative. This is just " it's not hurting anyone" justification in disguise. And what does "true to herself" mean here anyway? And how does being true to herself and to yourself ADD to stress? I'm not talking about coming out of the closet here, I'm specifically asking about you and her. Why is being true to yourself causing stress? And, if you are each true to yourselves, do you like the picture painted by the words and actions required in an A? Methinks it's another justification though. A way to excuse the inexcusable. Because if you were true to oneself and that person was truly a fair person the H would be told. She would afford him the same opportunity she herself takes in secret. In my view, a true and fair person would open up the M so BOTH could have lovers. She's not doing that. Either the true her is not very pretty (certainly makes for a lousy spouse) or it's just an excuse to justify and continue the A. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 The kids need a father, she needs a lover, I don't mind having time to do my own thing. It seems like this is not the worst of all situations. She chooses him, she loses love (they don't even sleep together). She chooses me, life gets sorta chaotic for a while at least. Staying on the DL and pretending we're just best friends seems like the least stressful option, honestly. Sure, he'd be hurt if he found out, but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong. If I were gay and my parents were intractably homophobic, the right thing to do would be to live my life and just not tell them. It would just mean that there was part of my life that I was keeping just for me. Seems like the same logic here. That's such a ridiculous comparison! Being gay is not a choice, being the OM is. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 The kids need a father, she needs a lover, I don't mind having time to do my own thing. It seems like this is not the worst of all situations. She chooses him, she loses love (they don't even sleep together). She chooses me, life gets sorta chaotic for a while at least. Staying on the DL and pretending we're just best friends seems like the least stressful option, honestly. Sure, he'd be hurt if he found out, but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong. If I were gay and my parents were intractably homophobic, the right thing to do would be to live my life and just not tell them. It would just mean that there was part of my life that I was keeping just for me. Seems like the same logic here. You are right....jacked up. You can paint all the pretty pictures you want...it still smells like dodo. And dumping dodo in other people's homes for them to clean up when it hits the fan is wrong no matter how pretty you try to make it. Will you be there to try to explain to friends and family when the **it hits the fan? Will you be there to comfort HIS children? Will you be there to make their world safe and secure again? Will you be the one picking up the pieces and trying to find a new normal for that family? Will you be the one who dries the tears of the kids, the BS? Will you be there to pick him up out of the floor when the pain doubles him over? Will you be there when the children wake up from the nightmares that suddenly start? Will you go to be there to muffle their ears when the anger and pain seep out from both parents and the conversation gets a little too loud? We all know the answer is no. Stop thinking with the little head and try to consider what IS going to happen to this family...not just the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 Why post a question that you refuse to accept an answer to? If you didn't want an answer to the question...what was the purpose of the thread? If you want people to respond with why they think this is wrong...we can do so if that's what you're wanting us to post. If your desire is to try to defend why you think her affair with you is somehow right, true, or justified...what difference does outside opinion make if you're only going to fight against it? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 That's such a ridiculous comparison! Being gay is not a choice, being the OM is. Here, here! :bunny: The mind set OP displays smacks of all that smells like the dog should have gone out awhile ago. Link to post Share on other sites
girlish334 Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 I think you should have a little integrity. Do it the right way and you will feel better about yourself. Don't Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 I guess it really is possible to to try and justify anything with a bit of lawyer talk. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 JAN, It is all about CHOICES ! Do you want only her "Love" or a decent relationship with her ? You are finding justifications in your mind to follow your addiction. She has nothing to loose in the game, she has her H and she has you, why would she change it ? Everytime she will feel guilty towards her H she will be a b1tch with you and everytime she will be good with you she will be a b1tch with her hubby - that's how a triangle relationship works. It is a choice, if you are happy with crumbs, go for it Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 A betrayal, especially one like infidelity , when kept secret - undermines a marriage , a family, and each person even those who know nothing about it. For those kept in the dark like the husband and the children -Its like knowing something is terribly wrong yet not being able to put your finger on it. For those keeping the secret - its like doing something you know is hurting others but doing it anyway because it doesnt hurt you. Both of those scenarios undermine each life until other issues evolve that can be tangibly pointed to. Link to post Share on other sites
bloppy Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 She's being true to herself and just not talking about it to anyone else. Hostile much? Even my therapist thinks it's sometimes a good idea and suggested that if we could manage it without stress it might be better than the alternative. I think i must be a little confused. Your therapist thinks it's a good idea for you to have an A?! Link to post Share on other sites
crazy love Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 confused here... the original post is about being gay and hiding it? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 I agree it would be less stressful. I also think the fair thing to do would be to tell her H the truth so he can go out and get some loving of his own f he wants to. Now, that would be the right thing to do. Anything less is deceitful at best. Or, are you afraid he would not agree with your assessment and leave her a**? Either way, you both get to do as you please whenever you please. Only difference is her H would have the same choice as you. Are you willing to be a man and give him that choice? Or, are you a coward who wants to continue to hide in the shadows of her H? Your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 (edited) The kids need a father. The kids can have a father,even if they are divorced,which they very well could become if the truth be told.And she can have you as a lover in the light of day if one or both of you have the courage to come clean and face the consequences and see if you last through the truth of it all. she needs a lover, I don't mind having time to do my own thing. So this works for your commitment issues then? You don't want a full time relationship so an affair is perfect?Sounds like she has the same issues. She's a cake eater and is sitting on a fence and you don't mind because you don't even want her full time? Is that the TRUTH of this? My BEST advice is for you to sh*t or get off the Pot! Commit to this woman and help her be HONEST in her relationship about you,or MOVE ON! There are plenty of single women who "need" lovers out here! It seems like this is not the worst of all situations. To you maybe,but you aren't the one betraying your spouse or dealing with the day to day BS or marriage.You are just enjoying the "perks".Of course for you this isn't the worst of all situations.But think about HIM and HER for longer than your d*ck can stay hard! YES..'Hostile Much' when I read your rationalizations and realize that this is what suits YOU. She chooses him, she loses love (they don't even sleep together). Loses love or SEX? I would BET any money her H DOES love her,but you are clouding her mind with mind blowing sex her husband could NEVER live up to because illicit/forbidden sex is undeniably a huge turn on for some. As for her not having sex with him? HAHAHA...That's what she tells YOU.She can NOT maintain this level of secrecy without having sex with him once in a while at the very least. Even when I was MADLY in love with my xMM,(but not having sex yet)I had sex with my H to keep him from becoming too jealous as he knew I had feelings for this guy because I TOLD HIM I did.You can't pretend to be her "best friend" without him wondering.Sorry.He probably already knows on some level.And to play this sort of game right under his nose....is KARMA about to bite you in the A$$. She chooses me, life gets sorta chaotic for a while at least. Staying on the DL and pretending we're just best friends seems like the least stressful option, honestly. Stop rationalizing this.Honestly,you can't believe this is the right thing to do.The "down low" is LIES and LIES never win. Sure, he'd be hurt if he found out, but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong. That is so callous and flippant.Put yourself in HIS shoes for one second and ask yourself....wouldn't you rather your wife LEAVE you than play you for a fool if she isn't happy with you? His pain is not your concern obviously. If I were gay and my parents were intractably homophobic, the right thing to do would be to live my life and just not tell them. It would just mean that there was part of my life that I was keeping just for me. Seems like the same logic here. Not the same logic at all.It's a major rationalization! Omission is NEVER the right way to live. We are only as SICK as our secrets. Even my therapist thinks it's sometimes a good idea and suggested that if we could manage it without stress it might be better than the alternative. Your therapist is a QUACK if he/she is doling out that sort of advice. The alternative is for your MW to be HONEST with her husband,come clean,and face the consequences of her actions! Period. My stupid UNETHICAL therapist said the same damn thing to me and she was WRONG! What you are doing is avoiding the reality that what you are doing IS covertly hurting her,you and her family. Listen.I was very unhappily married to someone I still respected enough to admit that I had fallen out of love with BEFORE I allowed myself to get sucked into an "affair" with a MM. I had no problem OUTTING myself in order to give my now XH informed knowledge so he could make choices based in TRUTH.I went so far as to separate with him based in honesty. It was HARD..REALLY hard.But the only right thing to do under the circumstances. The xMM disagreed with honesty being the best policy and threw me under the bus when I outted myself in the name of love,but either way...I had the decency to out myself.And a willingness to be TRUE to myself and live an Authentic life. I couldn't fathom lying to the man I slept next to EVERY night...whether we were having sex or NOT....he had a right to know my mind and heart, hard as it WAS to tell him!! He was hurt,but he THANKED me for my honesty.. I could NOT deny my love for another. It was simple.I had to move on.I didn't DESERVE to be married and feel the way I did. But then again,I am no cake eater. I know that the key to happiness is finishing one thing before you start another. Granted,it all blew up in my face,because I was honest,and because the xMM chose to omit and lie and deny....but I divorced because my marriage was broken beyond repair and my xMM was an utterly heartless coward I came to find out and left them both in the dust. I wonder if you would even BE THERE for her if she took that sort of RISK for the love you two allegedly have. I certainly HOPE that you aren't simply with her for the SEX,and that when the going got tough...you would bail on her leaving her to answer for ALL in her M like my xMM did to me. She MAY want to come clean,but isn't sure that you love her enough to be there for her. Her fears may be realistic. What say you? Would you BE there for her is she was honest with him? Edited May 27, 2011 by Heart On Link to post Share on other sites
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