gluttons for abuse? saviors?

[Taressa]

Help... that little vein throbbing in my brain is going to explode because I just can't figure it out...

 

Lately quite a few men have written in, heartbroken by women who have ended long term relationships and jumped into the arms of another man.

 

It seems a man is most likely to continue loving and obsessing on the ex if in her leaving she has mistreated, cheated, or otherwise abused him. A man also seems to continue loving the ex if she jumps into a relationship with someone unkind or otherwise undesirable.

 

What gives? Why do men obsess over the selfish bxtchy ballistic type? Do they enjoy being slammed? Do they think they can save or change the ex? Why this willingness to forgive and put their hearts back on the firing line after such mistreatment?

 

(We've talked about the being too nice in a relationship but this goes waaaaaay beyond not being nice.) Seems if I want to have a man's undying affection I need to really screw him over?

 

Thanks for the insight.

 

Taressa

[Joe]

Well I am one of these guys. I think reason is this. You have someone in your life for years and all of sudden their gone. Your all alone and it sucks because you've come accustomed to having someone at your side. Your self confidence is destroyed and has to be built back up. And for these women that do this they have no problem because they have someone at their side to confort them and they feel confident because they have someone. They don't have to deal with the break up because they have someone telling them whatever they want to hear, "you did the right thing", "he was a jerk", whatever. Us guys want them back because when we see them it's like a breath of fresh air, our confidence comes back. But it's fake. My self confidence is in the toilet right now. I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like no other woman would want me because I got dumped by a cheating manipulating woman, so how could I possibly get a good woman. This is just my opinion. I have so many mixed emotions right now I don't know what to think. I get so many opinions of others, "leave her alone", then I get "try to win her back", I just don't know????

 

Joe

Help... that little vein throbbing in my brain is going to explode because I just can't figure it out... Lately quite a few men have written in, heartbroken by women who have ended long term relationships and jumped into the arms of another man. It seems a man is most likely to continue loving and obsessing on the ex if in her leaving she has mistreated, cheated, or otherwise abused him. A man also seems to continue loving the ex if she jumps into a relationship with someone unkind or otherwise undesirable. What gives? Why do men obsess over the selfish bxtchy ballistic type? Do they enjoy being slammed? Do they think they can save or change the ex? Why this willingness to forgive and put their hearts back on the firing line after such mistreatment?

 

(We've talked about the being too nice in a relationship but this goes waaaaaay beyond not being nice.) Seems if I want to have a man's undying affection I need to really screw him over? Thanks for the insight. Taressa

[Deejette]

I hate to think that I have to be a cruel bitch to retain a man's undying love and obsession. But I have seen it too often in my past and know that it is true. I don't like to play games and wish it were otherwise. But the game of love seems to be a game of egos and a game of being hard-to-get, coupled with "I can live without you very well." But if that is the test we must put to love to make sure that it will last, I guess I will play it, because being a sweet, nice person who is deeply concerned for the other person's feelings doesn't work out to well for me, while giving guys a hard time does.

Well I am one of these guys. I think reason is this. You have someone in your life for years and all of sudden their gone. Your all alone and it sucks because you've come accustomed to having someone at your side. Your self confidence is destroyed and has to be built back up. And for these women that do this they have no problem because they have someone at their side to confort them and they feel confident because they have someone. They don't have to deal with the break up because they have someone telling them whatever they want to hear, "you did the right thing", "he was a jerk", whatever. Us guys want them back because when we see them it's like a breath of fresh air, our confidence comes back. But it's fake. My self confidence is in the toilet right now. I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like no other woman would want me because I got dumped by a cheating manipulating woman, so how could I possibly get a good woman. This is just my opinion. I have so many mixed emotions right now I don't know what to think. I get so many opinions of others, "leave her alone", then I get "try to win her back", I just don't know???? Joe

[BJ]

It's not at all that the cheating makes us love the woman any more. The love was there throughout the relationship. The cheating brought hurt, disappointment, and, maybe in a sick way...an opportunity to show the girl how much you really do love her (Tony's getting sick).

Throughout the relationship there were, at least on the surface, intense trust, love, forgivingness, etc. The cheating, at least on my end, seemed to be a call to test my committedness to this girl. Sure...I would expect an apology, explanation, etc., but she'd once told me that she'd forgive me if I cheated on her, and I wasn't ready to let this woman go who for a long time, I've loved. Now sure, it would take a long time to rebuild that trust--but right after the breakup, I was willing to do it.

 

So, its not so much that the cheating caused us to love the girl more, it's just that it really tested our committedness to her, and put alot of strain on our trust, compassion, and love. In the long run, now, since there will be no getting back together (she's just been an absolute slut since the breakup) it actually helps me get over the relationship, because I believe that she doesn't know committment, and will probably always cheat. In hindsight, you've got 20/20 vision. A single act of cheating causes alot of hurt in what seemed to be a loving, committed relationship. I believed we were in it for the long haul. I was ready to forgive...to a point. Everybody's got their threshold, where cheating hurts them, and they are willing to forgive, ...or eventually, where in time it just helps you heal, you just say "if that's the way she is..." You kinda understand, Tarressa?

[Taressa]

But doesn't it seem more than that, Dejette?

 

My natural tendencies are toward sweet honest friendship too so I have to hold back a lot in dating relationships.

 

We're talking about something more than that game, however. These men have been stomped on, cheated on, mistreated, and finally left. They've been shown clearly there is no love or respect for them and yet they pine away after these women.

 

My lands, where is the backbone? Where is the anger response? Instead, they weep like a puppy dog for the master that kicked it.

[Paulie]

I, for one, don't think I fall into the category you describe above; her cheating on me was hurtful and is ultimately helping me heal, because (pardon the language) but I see her as an immature, manipulative, insensitive, whore. However...it took a while after the breakup for this to set in. When you completely love somebody, and a trusting, overwhelmingly loving relationship that appeared to be mutual until that point, if they cheat, there's certainly alot of hurt. What guys on this site are expressing is their hurt, and they're looking for answers. Answers help with attaining peace and closure.

Furthermore, many of us were in intimate, trusting relationships where, for a period of time following the breakup, we hoped for a heartfelt apology from the woman we'd grown to love, and at that time, we would've taken them back.

 

Ultimately, however, you do move on, and realize that the person just isn't who you thought she was. I just wanted to clarify...I don't think I chased after somebody who hurt me so badly...just was (but no longer am) willing to give her an second chance. I think alot of guys on this site were willing to give the girl a second chance, if an apology was present, and were also expressing their hurt from a relationship that was so filled us with joy, and now fills us with pain. I don't think there's anything weak about being willing to take somebody back after they cheated on you. I know several happily married couples who at one point or another during their dating relationships, one or another cheated once or twice. I just think it's pathetic if you're constantly pining after somebody that continually treats you poorly, and obviously has no love for you.

[Taressa]

BJ,

 

You and these other men sound like very nice, good-hearted men but NO, I don't understand.

 

If the cheating took place and you were working in the confines of a committed marriage (yes, I believe 'til death do us part), I would say sure, this is a test of commitment you will both need to work through.

 

BUT, these women are cheating and hurting you without ever having made a commitment of marriage to you. At the point she cheats, I would see the relationship as a failure and not as a test... she gave 100% of herself to someone else; how is that a test of YOUR commitment?

 

Yes, there WAS trust, intense love, etc. but the operative word is the word WAS. Cheating selfishly destroys that foundation and says despite what WAS, this is now how it IS.

 

Just wondering... during the course of the relationship have you come to exclude your old set of friends and activies you enjoyed? Did the woman become the focal point of your happiness and life? Something seems to keep men in these situations from seeing the truth.

 

I'm so very sorry you got hurt this way, BJ. I'm sorry for all the guys who got slammed... the lack of indignation at your mistreatment makes me even sorrier for I fear the next woman will be chapter 2 of the same story...

[Taressa]

Yes, Paulie, well stated. I understand the hope you mention. I think our peace comes when we see the hope for the wishful thinking it really is.

 

Yes, I'm a great fan of forgiveness as well. And like you said, the situation and the person's character matter a great deal.

 

Best wishes for recovery, confidence rebuilding, and a good faithful love someday,

 

Taressa

[Deejette]

It makes me feel good to know that men like Paulie can express their emotions and sensitivity. And I do see a place for forgiveness: Forgiveness in the sense that you have moved on and understand that that person did not seriously hurt you in any fatal way or has taught you a very important lesson. Then you can get over the hurt.

Yes, Paulie, well stated. I understand the hope you mention. I think our peace comes when we see the hope for the wishful thinking it really is. Yes, I'm a great fan of forgiveness as well. And like you said, the situation and the person's character matter a great deal. Best wishes for recovery, confidence rebuilding, and a good faithful love someday, Taressa

[Tony T]

You write: "Seems if I want to have a man's undying affection I need to really screw him over."

 

Sounds like you've really happened on something.

 

Actually, people and men more particularly tend to take things for granted, get very used to the kindness and love of someone. That comfort usually translates into some kind of neglect in the relationship that builds over time. This doesn't mean that the guy is not in love. The bottom line is that men, in the evolutionary process, started out as hunters. When they find their mate, many put their trophy on the fireplace and continue with their lives. Many, not all, men put their lovelives on autopilot and go on to watch football and do whatever they please.

 

When their mate ceases to tolerate being taken for granted, then all hell breaks loose.

 

"Love knows not its own depth except in the hour of separation."

 

"You don't know what you've got until you lose it."

 

Unfortunately, these wake up calls usually come too late in the relationship and the ladies are on their way out the door...or already gone. But I don't really think the men who are prone to take their relationships for granted will ever change...even after it happens to them a few times.

 

Sorry ladies.

[Rogue]

The real reason men try to get back with women like that is a guy thing.You see,unlike women,men don't let go of romantic relationships as easy as women do.I don't know why they don't,be they don't. No matter how crappy it was,they won't let go because they can't,not because they don't want to.In almost anything else in life men are better at leaving things behind than women,EXCEPT relationships.

 

Some would say it's an intimacy thing,that once a man lets down his guard he's hooked,and since women are more used to opening up to their friends,they can cut off ties like that easier.Some would say it's an ego thing men have,not wanting to accept rejection.You could ask a hundred diffirent men,and get a hundred diffirent answers. Maybe it's hormones.Maybe it's a primal instinct.Maybe it's social conditioning of some sort.Who knows??

 

The bottom line is that men can't let go of relationships the same way women can.This why so many men turn violent when confronted with the prospect of their wives/girlfriends leaving them.This why so many men stalk their ex-wives/girlfriends for years,rather than make new relationships.This is why so many men chase after "bxtchy" women to win them back.This is why so many sit pining away for their exes at home drinking beer at their computers.It something they can't help themselves to.We men are pretty weird, huh?

[Deejette]

I have found this to be true. All of my exes have hung around for years, stalking, etc., now I know why. It's instinctual.

 

Women do open up easily. I can sit next to a woman and she will tell me the most intimate details of her life five minutes into the conversation. My psychiatrist friend told me his biggest problem is that men talk about something "out there" like the ashtray on the coffee table or their new car, while women will right away get into their feelings. So once the wall of emotion has been broken down, men, because they have not lived through their emotions enough, don't have the practice in dealing with them.

 

Some men I have known have acted like pit bulls unwilling to let go of their love object, even if I told them I despised them and to get lost. It wasn't even love anymore, it was ego, pride, something else. Now I understand.

The real reason men try to get back with women like that is a guy thing.You see,unlike women,men don't let go of romantic relationships as easy as women do.I don't know why they don't,be they don't. No matter how crappy it was,they won't let go because they can't,not because they don't want to.In almost anything else in life men are better at leaving things behind than women,EXCEPT relationships. Some would say it's an intimacy thing,that once a man lets down his guard he's hooked,and since women are more used to opening up to their friends,they can cut off ties like that easier.Some would say it's an ego thing men have,not wanting to accept rejection.You could ask a hundred diffirent men,and get a hundred diffirent answers. Maybe it's hormones.Maybe it's a primal instinct.Maybe it's social conditioning of some sort.Who knows??

 

The bottom line is that men can't let go of relationships the same way women can.This why so many men turn violent when confronted with the prospect of their wives/girlfriends leaving them.This why so many men stalk their ex-wives/girlfriends for years,rather than make new relationships.This is why so many men chase after "bxtchy" women to win them back.This is why so many sit pining away for their exes at home drinking beer at their computers.It something they can't help themselves to.We men are pretty weird, huh?

[Taressa]

Hi Rogue, Not sure I would use the word "weird" because men are overall such wonderful creatures.

 

You shed some surprising light on the subject for me; I've always thought men were more of a love 'em and leave 'em mindset. It's nice to hear that men so greatly value that rare connection.

 

It's hard seeing these good guys yearning for the mean spirited heartbreaker. When the bxtchy woman wins and keeps a good man's love despite the abuse she dishes out, it really frustrates us sweet, kind-hearted gals.

 

One more note... I'm not sure it's that women can let go of that intimate connection more easily than men but we have pretty clearcut ideas of what we expect in a relationship. Once it turns abusive or complacement, we become disenchanted and slip into a disengage mode, call our friends for support, and with their affirmation make changes.

 

Thanks again, Rogue (and everyone) for the input; I gained a little more understanding of the complex male mind.