if GF is diagnosed depressive, how do you leave without hurting her?

[unforgiven]

i have been reading through this forum and there seems to be many perveyors of fine analysis. I would appreciate your thoughts.

 

i have been seeing a 42 year old woman who has never married and has a history of abuse, rape, and unsuccessful past relationships.

 

We have a long distance relationship (200 miles apart) and since i am transient in my job we manage to see one another about every 2 weeks, sometimes longer on occasion. At first it was a pleasure to see her, but now its more like a burden. She hates her job, resents her brother because he is living rent free in one of her father's house with his wife and kids; she as bought a house which is taxing her financially and mentally, mainly to gain independence from her parents. She gets so riled over innocuous statements ( seemingly to me) made by her mother, etc, who she blames for her abuse by letting her stay with a 17 year old boy when she was young. Everything bugs her---if someone says , Why arent you married yet?- just in passing or to make conversation, ie; family reunions, etc.--- you may just as well have spit in her face, she is so resentful of it.

 

I have just learned of her past abuse, and i knew previously about her depression concerns because she was taking drugs to combat it. She said it was genetic, but when i first met her she was so nice and easy going. But that has changed since Thanksgiving, and she has a resentful attitude about everything and everyone. She has insomnia and is gaining considerable weight over the last 2 months, since she has been seeing a psychologist through a workers comp claim at work. (shrink is using EMDR methods, if this means anything).

 

I was getting serious with her until lately, and she wants kids at this late date, etc, but i am worried that she is trying to use external means to find happiness. my dilemma is, having read a lot of depression sites and family support groups for the depressive caregivers, is how do i distance myself without devastating her?? her moods and actions are so sporatic and unpredictable. i love her but i cannot let myself get into this hole with her---this seems so selfish on my part but i think i deserve to be happy and not a lifetime of dealing with her unhappiness. In dealing with her, everything revolves around her ----i dont think depressives know how hard it is on those around them, with their seemingly selfish and unemotional responses in certain situations.

 

Some sites and groups recommend never to marry someone who is depressive, because it only gets worse, not better. A wise person learns from other's mistakes, so i would appreciate any advice given. This is tough on me, and i feel emotionally exhausted, a state to which i have been unfamilar until recently. I care for this girl immensely and have done a lot for her both financially and personnaly, with seemingly little return. But she continues to email and wants to see me at every opportunity. Should i go into this pit with her and try to pull her out and support her, or will that pit just close over both of us???

[Pookette]

You sound like you would do your utmost to make sure she has as little discomfort from ending the relationship as possible. Good for you.

 

I suggest you talk with her psychologist. He probably won't be able to discuss her case directly with you, but maybe he could offer advice as to the best way to end the relationship without causing more harm to her.

 

OTOH, he could perhaps offer advice on how to build on your relationship with her?

 

I do think outside help is needed in a sticky situation like that. Good luck - my thoughts will be with you.

[Sarah12385]

i'm so sorry unforgiven, i wish you the best of luck.

i can only imagine the stress you've been put under.

 

now, you don't have to take my advice, and i'll tell you that i am a 19 year old girl, who i'm sure you don't think could do much for you heh, understandably so however.

 

i was in an abusive relationship as well, more mentally than psysically, but at any rate, the reason this woman could be so, hm...dependent and wanting of you, is beacause you may be the only light she really sees in her life right now. and yes, you *should* be able to live a life of happiness, and getting involved with this woman may be the door to a very destructive relationship and very unhealthy for you. you have to love yourself also (as corny as that may sound).

 

God bless her and i hope she finds some happiness in her life, and as hard as it may feel to let something like that go, if i was in your shoes, i would. from what i've read, you *have* tried helping her. you made an effort, it's not like you just sat and watched through a window, ya know?

 

as far as telling her that you want to leave...i'm sorry i don't know what to say on that part. however, i think it would be best to be as truthful as you can. maybe go somewhere where the 2 of you are completely alone, without any interruptions. tell her how much you care about her, etc. if you're scared, tell her. tell her how emotionally drained you are, and you just don't know what else to do - that you feel like you're at the end of a road.

 

i hope everything works out as well as it can for the both of you!

 

~Sarah~

[unforgiven]

thanks for the replies. Sarah, dont sell yourself short on your advice. Regardless of age, experience trumps. You have had some experience in this which i lack, and i appreciate your input. I have done everything i know to help her, and a few times i bring up this depression of hers, in a backdoor, non-threatening way, to try to ask how things are going from her perspective.

 

She mainly avoids these discussions and changes the subject. I know how hard this must be for her, but if you love someone who you desire to commit for life, i think the partner should know of these past abuses and conditions. These things effect the entire relationship, and already has in this case.

 

I understand that this is a hell for her that i cannot fathom, and maybe she is supposed to handle this herself. But i am such a pro-active person----I'm the "GO-TO" guy, the guy you call when it needs to get done--- i have always been this way and have never been afraid to jump on anything from legal things to fixing a car, and anything in between. If i dont know it, i'll learn it. But now i find myself totally helpless, emasculated by a problem that, from my research, is beyond my reach. Even cancer you can attack and at least cut it out in many cases, but this is a dark, tentacled demon that defies a clear view of itself and how to attack.

 

i think marriage, money, kids, jobs, etc. will have no effect in the end. From what i surmise, her abuse and narcissism of her parents occurred in her early years. I dont really know much about her rape-- she mentioned it once when she was hurriedly describing all the travails she has undergone and how everyone else has it so much better than she does. I figure she would have dealt with this before hitting 40. Her mom still calls her daily---she gets mad,, and all i can think is that it's self inflicted. I would just turn the phone off or not answer. I guess this is beyond my pay grade in dealing with this, and i think the light in the end of the tunnel may be the train as far as a long term relationship. BUT GOd, I hate to give up because i see such a wonderful person in her that i hope she one day finds for herself. I just want to help her, but i cant lead her on if what she wants is marriage and a kid. She is on a quick timetable---due in part to her biological clock and her search for happiness through a child, which i think is a huge mistake. thanks

[faux]

...how do i distance myself without devastating her?? her moods and actions are so sporatic and unpredictable. i love her but i cannot let myself get into this hole with her---this seems so selfish on my part but i think i deserve to be happy and not a lifetime of dealing with her unhappiness. In dealing with her, everything revolves around her ----i dont think depressives know how hard it is on those around them, with their seemingly selfish and unemotional responses in certain situations.

 

I fully agree that you do not need to deal with her problems if they are causing you troubles. So far as distancing yourself from her, I believe that you have every right to do this. Do not worry about how she will handle things; this is not your concern nor responsibility. If she chooses to react negatively this is not your fault, as you do not control her actions.

 

Remaining in a relationship such as this is unhealthy. I recommend that you be truthful about your intentions to leave. You don't need to concern yourself over her possible reactions. Put yourself first. You certainly are not being selfish. I've been in similar situations, although I am in my twenties, and it really just isn't worth it. Of course, still be polite to her about things, but do what you feel is right for you.

[HokeyReligions]

I do feel for you and understand. My husband was abused and also suffers from depression. He is taking medication and in therapy which has helped tremendously. The best thing he did was to stop all contact with his father.

 

In my case we were already married and committed and you can look for my old posts if you want more details. In your case, you have to think about yourself and your happiness too. It is difficult enough when the two people see each other every day, but to handle a LDR or one in where one person travels a lot (my brother was a trucker and it nearly cost him his marriage) and one is a depressive makes it difficult to the nth degree.

 

It sounds apparent from your post that you do not love her in the way or in the depth that makes a life-long commitment feasible. She may be transferring her needs to you and may even become codependent. That is not good for either of you. Starting a family at age 42 is not easy even if she is healthy, but for a depressive to start a family now, well, I just wouldn't do that to kids.

 

You just need to face it that she is going to have her feelings hurt when you break up with her. I do think its a good idea to talk to her doctor if for no other reason then she will need her doctors help. Choose a place that you can easily leave . If she is a very emotional person, make it someplace she can walk home from or make it her home--just so she doesn't drive in an emotional state. Maybe even call a friend of her before you leave to come over and be with her. Be direct, be honest. She won't be happy in a relationship with someone who just doesn't love her the way she needs or wants to be loved. That is no error on your part or hers. Relationships--even serious ones--end because one person just doesn't love the other. Love can't be forced. Once you break up have no contact with her at all or contact with any of her friends or family.

 

Good luck with this. It won't be easy, but it IS doable.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by unforgiven

thanks for the replies. Sarah, dont sell yourself short on your advice. Regardless of age, experience trumps. You have had some experience in this which i lack, and i appreciate your input. I have done everything i know to help her, and a few times i bring up this depression of hers, in a backdoor, non-threatening way, to try to ask how things are going from her perspective.

 

She mainly avoids these discussions and changes the subject. I know how hard this must be for her, but if you love someone who you desire to commit for life, i think the partner should know of these past abuses and conditions. These things effect the entire relationship, and already has in this case.

 

I understand that this is a hell for her that i cannot fathom, and maybe she is supposed to handle this herself. But i am such a pro-active person----I'm the "GO-TO" guy, the guy you call when it needs to get done--- i have always been this way and have never been afraid to jump on anything from legal things to fixing a car, and anything in between. If i dont know it, i'll learn it. But now i find myself totally helpless, emasculated by a problem that, from my research, is beyond my reach. Even cancer you can attack and at least cut it out in many cases, but this is a dark, tentacled demon that defies a clear view of itself and how to attack.

 

i think marriage, money, kids, jobs, etc. will have no effect in the end. From what i surmise, her abuse and narcissism of her parents occurred in her early years. I dont really know much about her rape-- she mentioned it once when she was hurriedly describing all the travails she has undergone and how everyone else has it so much better than she does. I figure she would have dealt with this before hitting 40. Her mom still calls her daily---she gets mad,, and all i can think is that it's self inflicted. I would just turn the phone off or not answer. I guess this is beyond my pay grade in dealing with this, and i think the light in the end of the tunnel may be the train as far as a long term relationship. BUT GOd, I hate to give up because i see such a wonderful person in her that i hope she one day finds for herself. I just want to help her, but i cant lead her on if what she wants is marriage and a kid. She is on a quick timetable---due in part to her biological clock and her search for happiness through a child, which i think is a huge mistake. thanks

 

I don't mean this as a put-down, but this post tells me that you do not have a good understanding of what clinical depression really is. It is NOT just being depressed for a long time. She can't just turn the phone off. She can't participate in a discussion about it. She can't stop searching for happiness outside of herself. Depression is a very serious illness and age and experience does not lessen it, nor does it go away naturally. My husband is well into his 50's and has been in therapy on and off for 30 years or more and we are STILL battling this demon.

[unforgiven]

Thanks hokey for your response and help. I am trying to learn about this depression demon, and i am realizing the depth of it.

 

I am sooo opposite of what I think this is, that it's difficult for me to understand. By the phone thing, i was thinking that this would be a way to stop talking to her mother - like your husband improved when he broke off contact with his father.

 

She seems to love her parents, but her mother especially drives her crazy, and i saw a book she was reading called "How to Survive Narcisstic Parents", which the counselor gave her.

 

I think she moved to Florida for a few years after having "problems" with her parents, but maybe she was just running and the problems stayed with her.

 

So clinical depression is like cancer, just something that can't be helped. I have read that they cannot just snap out of it - but what hope is there for improvement? I realize that drugs help the imbalnce of the brain chemicals, etc, but that is not a panacea.

 

As a caregiver, is all you can do love them and support them? How do you help yourself?

 

Like I said, I like to solve problems. But I believe by your statements that this problem is not solvable, only controlable at best.

 

Would that be a correct assumption based upon your experience?

 

I am so thankful that you seem to have an improving situation - I just don't know if i can handle the uncertainty of such a realtionship - perhaps I'm not as strong as you. It's like living with an alcoholic. You never know when they will take that first drink and revert to someone you do not recognize.

 

I need more stability as a basis of trust for a long term relationship, and as I dig further into this disease i think it doesnt exist. I would do anything I could to help her, but this change in her has occurred recently in our relationship, and it is tough being long distance.

 

I don't understand the mechanics of helping someone like this get better. I guess talking to a counselor helps, but I guess it never cures.

 

I have been through the cancer thing with my own mother twice in the last 10 years (2 bouts of breast cancer). She whipped it both times and is doing fine, and I never realized how strong a woman she was until we went through this as a family. Her attitude and faith was a beacon in this darkness that sustained us all.

 

But now i am dealing with the antithesis - and I am thinking that depression is much worse. People can say that if you love someone you have to just accept them as they are, for better or worse - I'm just dealing with the agony of contradictions of the heart and the head in this case.

 

I will read your other posts as well and keep trying to educate myself.