OK, now I'm confused. And a little fustrated.

[marriagesucks]

Alright, heres the story. For about a year I have noticed my husband flirting with other females and them flirting with him. Last December, he asked me could a female friend from his old high school come over to our house. I said yes. I noticed that the both of them were flirting in front of me in our house. Since December, I have held a grudge against the both of them for what they did. I basically never forgave my husband for his behavior, because time after time I have told him it hurts me, and he didnt seem to want to stop. And whenever I saw the female, she would say hi to me, but I just walked by her without a word. Yesterday, she walked passed me without a word and then began a conversation with my husband. (We all work together.) That totally pissed me off, I threatened to divorce my husband, I even begged him to divorce me. And then I told him to keep the female away from me because if she came near me I would put my fist through her face. I told my husband that I would let her know what she did was wrong and how I felt about it. Today I saw her at work, and I talked to her about what happened. She said she didnt mean anything by what she did in my home and that she apologized. After saying how we felt about things, we apologized to each and shook hands. Today I told my husband that I talked to the female and that all is well now between us (me and her).

 

Heres the other part of the story. My husband hasnt told me for 2 weeks straight that he loved me. We havent had sex for 3 weeks. And now all of a sudden, since I told him I talked to his female friend about what happned and we apologized to each other, he wants to have sex and tell me that he loves me. From my veiw point, it seems to me that he was mad at me for not forgiving her for what she did. To me that says he was taking up for her and choosing her over me. I have a male friend that my husband cant stand and never speaks to when my friend speaks to him, but I never neglected him because I thought he was being unfair to my friend. And I dont think it was right for him to do that to me. Am I right about any of this??

 

I know its wrong to feel this way, but now I feel like I would like to have a hot one night stand with a really hot guy. I think that the trouble in my marriage and the gut feeling that my husband would do the same thing whenever he had the chance, are major contributions to the way I feel. There are just so many wrong things that have went wrong and that are going wrong in marriage, that makes me want to walk away. But at the same time, I dont really WANT to divorce my husband, I dont want to loose everything weve earned together, I dont want my daughter living with just one parent, and I thnk that 10 years from now everything will be fine. The thing is I dont want to wait 10 years, Id rather go away for 10 years and come back. (Theres a celebrity couple that divorced and remarried after a while, and I think thats what we need to do)

[moimeme]

I think you are both being petty and childish and that you badly need coping and communication skills. Get yourselves to a marriage counsellor and let him or her straighten you out.

[spencer]

wow this is so over the top i dont know where to begin.

you were personalizing the flirting. she didnt flirt with your husband to hurt or demean you. some people are like this, its not about you. im glad you got that straightened out.

now you have to think about the real reason your angry with you husband. think about it and your relationships with men in general. see what lies beneath.

im my opinion, this incident warrents nothing more than a slight annoyance.

your anger seems disproportionate to the actual occurance. what else is up.

thats what i would be asking.

get therapy.

[marriagesucks]

spencer and moimeme, its not JUST this occurance that has got me so angry. This flirty behvior of his has been going on for quite a while, Ive expressed to him that it hurts my feelings and I see it as disrespectful. He denies ever doing it. He tells me that Im seeing things and that Im crazy. I know none of what he says is true. This isnt the only that he has ever disrespected me. He has called me such terrible names, he lied to me about going to see a female friend becasue he thought I would get mad if I knew he was going to see her. At that time I didnt get mad for him going to see her, I got mad because he lied to me about it and I had to onterrogate his mother to find out the truth. Theres more to this story. But the main reason why i wrote the first post was so that I can explain to everyone what the most current situation was that triggered my husbands actions as decribed in the first post. In that post my question was, is my conclusion of the whole situation correct? That question hasnt been answered yet.

[Juggs]

Originally posted by marriagesucks

My husband hasnt told me for 2 weeks straight that he loved me. We havent had sex for 3 weeks. And now all of a sudden, since I told him I talked to his female friend about what happned and we apologized to each other, he wants to have sex and tell me that he loves me. From my veiw point, it seems to me that he was mad at me for not forgiving her for what she did. To me that says he was taking up for her and choosing her over me. I have a male friend that my husband cant stand and never speaks to when my friend speaks to him, but I never neglected him because I thought he was being unfair to my friend. And I dont think it was right for him to do that to me. Am I right about any of this??

 

These all seem to me to be assumptions made on your part. Have you actually talked to your husband directly and asked him the reason behind the 2 to 3 week apparent neglect? You might be getting upset over something that isn't correct.

 

I know its wrong to feel this way, but now I feel like I would like to have a hot one night stand with a really hot guy. I think that the trouble in my marriage and the gut feeling that my husband would do the same thing whenever he had the chance, are major contributions to the way I feel.

 

You want to lash out based on something that has not happened yet. An assumption you have made of how you think your husband would act. Try not to project problems that aren't there. Heaven knows life throws enough problems in our paths to deal with.... Don't waste your energy creating more that don't really exist yet and have no proof that they would ever exist.

 

There are just so many wrong things that have went wrong and that are going wrong in marriage, that makes me want to walk away. But at the same time, I dont really WANT to divorce my husband, I dont want to loose everything weve earned together, I dont want my daughter living with just one parent, and I thnk that 10 years from now everything will be fine. The thing is I dont want to wait 10 years, Id rather go away for 10 years and come back. (Theres a celebrity couple that divorced and remarried after a while, and I think thats what we need to do)

 

A valid desire, indeed. (Don't use celebrities as role models, man... 2 words... Woddy Allen...) I think everyone who has ever been married, good or bad, has wanted to walk away from the problems that happen. Who would want to stay and deal with it? BUT... It's that "quid-pro-quo"... We all did it, too... for better or worse... that means if we want it to work, we have to hang in there through the good and bad stuff.... How does that phrase go? You can't grow a garden without some rain.

 

 

Originally posted by marriagesucks

This flirty behvior of his has been going on for quite a while, Ive expressed to him that it hurts my feelings and I see it as disrespectful. He denies ever doing it. He tells me that Im seeing things and that Im crazy. I know none of what he says is true.

 

It is very possible that you and he are seeing things from different angles... If he is not flirting as far as he is concerned, but you view his behavior as flirting.... Woulnd't that explain why he says you are seeing things? How do you know that none of what he says is true? Is it because your gut is telling you he is lying or is it because you have proof that he was lieing?

 

He has called me such terrible names, he lied to me about going to see a female friend becasue he thought I would get mad if I knew he was going to see her.

 

If you are misunderstanding his actions, that would also explain why he might not have been in a big hurry to share his visit with a female friend. From past experience he probably figured you would get jealous so he just decided not to tell you.

 

Regardless of what his reasoning was, it was a bad idea to not tell you about it.... I'm just saying that your behavior may have made him feel like he couldn't tell you the truth without you getting very upset.

 

In that post my question was, is my conclusion of the whole situation correct? That question hasnt been answered yet.

 

As stated earlier, it kind of sounds like you might be projecting a lot and making assumptions... This is not always the best grounds for decision making. You might want to sniff out some more solid facts before you levy any judgments.

[marriagesucks]

Originally posted by Juggs

These all seem to me to be assumptions made on your part. Have you actually talked to your husband directly and asked him the reason behind the 2 to 3 week apparent neglect? You might be getting upset over something that isn't correct.

 

 

 

You want to lash out based on something that has not happened yet. An assumption you have made of how you think your husband would act. Try not to project problems that aren't there. Heaven knows life throws enough problems in our paths to deal with.... Don't waste your energy creating more that don't really exist yet and have no proof that they would ever exist.

 

 

 

A valid desire, indeed. (Don't use celebrities as role models, man... 2 words... Woddy Allen...) I think everyone who has ever been married, good or bad, has wanted to walk away from the problems that happen. Who would want to stay and deal with it? BUT... It's that "quid-pro-quo"... We all did it, too... for better or worse... that means if we want it to work, we have to hang in there through the good and bad stuff.... How does that phrase go? You can't grow a garden without some rain.

 

 

 

 

It is very possible that you and he are seeing things from different angles... If he is not flirting as far as he is concerned, but you view his behavior as flirting.... Woulnd't that explain why he says you are seeing things? How do you know that none of what he says is true? Is it because your gut is telling you he is lying or is it because you have proof that he was lieing?

 

 

 

If you are misunderstanding his actions, that would also explain why he might not have been in a big hurry to share his visit with a female friend. From past experience he probably figured you would get jealous so he just decided not to tell you.

 

Regardless of what his reasoning was, it was a bad idea to not tell you about it.... I'm just saying that your behavior may have made him feel like he couldn't tell you the truth without you getting very upset.

 

 

 

As stated earlier, it kind of sounds like you might be projecting a lot and making assumptions... This is not always the best grounds for decision making. You might want to sniff out some more solid facts before you levy any judgments.

 

 

To your first comment: He said he ws neglecting me because he as a hard time getting over things. (I cheated on him in December, I said this in another post) But wouldnt you think he would have neglected me then. I told him "When *girls name* told she f-ed you, I didnt neglect you then and Im not doing it now, and I had hard time getting over it too. But maybe we just have different ways of dealing with things."

 

To your second comment: The reason why I believe he would sleep around on me whenever he had the chance is because I used to monitor his email, and whenever he would go to his hometown, he would send emails to some of the females there that he knew, saying that he hoped that they can hook up. And when he went on a business trip earlier this year, he told me he invited another female to his hotel room to jerk him off and he siad that he touched her breast and kissed her. And hes just always whoo'ing and hollering at other girls whether he's with me or without me.

 

To your third comment: I dont have any role models, I was just using the celebrity as an example that my proposed solution is doable and it may solve our problem. I just think we both need a little bit more time to 'grow up'. We got married at the tender ages of 18 (me) and 19 (him).

 

To your fourth comment: We always see things from different angles. He knows that what he is doing is flirting. He walks pass females and says 'Hey, Sexy' or he would grab their hand as he walks by them. Or he would blow kisses at a female as he drives or walks by them. And the two motions I see most often are, if the thinks a female is pretty he would graze the females hand with his as they pass something to one another, (i.e. a store clerk giving him a receipt) The second gesture is the bumping of arms by both parties when they pass by each other. So all of this says to me that I am not seeing or hearing things and he is just being plain old disrespectful to me purposely.

 

To your fifth comment: Before he decided to lie to me about visiting his female friend, I never showed signs of being a jealous wife. In fact, at that time I wasnt a jealous wife. At that time, I was a highly confident, fully trusting of her husband, 5 month pregnant female willing to take care of her husband all day everyday. So there was no previous behavior on my part that made him not want to tell me the truth. In fact, we have never ran into a problem like that until then.

 

To your sixth comment: I think everything I have posted so far justifies the way I feel. I think that the information provided above is more than enough reason for me to feel the way I do.

 

**The reason why I cheated is because every since we got married, all he has done is showed intrest in other women, and constantly expressed to me how ungrateful he was to have me for his wife. He even had sex with our female roomate, who yelled over the phone through the backgorund "I f-ed you man (my name)!!" All he did was laugh and say "SHH!!" I confronted them both about it, and they both lied to me about it. I know what I heard. But what did he tell me then. He went from "You were hearing things she didnt say that" to "maybe she said it just to try and get to you".

 

I know they had sex together because they were constantly flirting with each other, they had lots in common, they drank together all the time, the watched porn movies together, and I was 5 months pregnant at this time. And to this day he still continues with the same behavior, a year and a half later. He has proven to me that there is someone else out there somewhere who will treat me much better than he has (at what point in time does a husband call his wife a ni99er and tell her shes good for nothing, shes hoe and a slut). He was the first person ever to call be the n word. Not even my closest friends walk up to me say 'wussup ni99er'. Thats is a word that I highly disapprove of.

[Juggs]

YIKES!

 

So.... Now I'm curious....

 

Other then the financial aspect, why would you want to stay with someone that A) disrespects you to that extent knowingly and B)brings out a bad side of you(jealous wife, depressed, vengeful... etc) rather then your best?

 

Sounds like you 2 are just fanning each other's flames.... The eye for an eye thing never resolves anything in a relationship.

[spencer]

ok i take everything back that i said in my previous post.

in light of new information, i am changing my view.

 

leave or go to therapy. neither of you need this drama.