Instincts & Judgement

[Badenov]

How do you know what type of person your dealing with? My instincts tend to see the best in people, perhaps to the point of rose-colored glasses. Then again, I'm so used to being hurt & betrayed sometimes I think I imagine slights that aren't there. The bottom line is I don't trust my own judgement anymore.

 

Sometimes I think I can sense the other persons' feelings, other times I scrutinize every detail looking for clues. Either way, am I seeing what I want to see?

 

So "Gut Instinct" vs "Over-Analyzing". Thoughts?

[AmericanHoney]

I did the same thing but I finally realized I need to pay attention more often and stop walking with my head in the clouds.

[2sure]

I am over 40 and my personal as well as professional experience has led me to:

 

Never ask a question I dont already know the answer to.

 

In other words - before investing yourself with anyone find out more about them. This goes for friends as well as potential partners.

 

I am still a trusting person, I do go with my instincts, but if its going to be an important relationship in any respect : I verify.

 

Trust your instincts in that if they tell you something isnt right, BAIL.

If they tell you everything is perfect, confirm THAT.

[AmericanHoney]

Yep,yep. If it sounds to good to be true it probably is or like you said if your instinct says something isn't right go with it please!

[Badenov]

Thanx guys. Good advice. I think you've figured it's someone who acts like a good person, but my feelings says they're not. Problem is, it's the opposite.

 

I have a friend with a split personality: her good side is very caring, her bad side can be kind of ugly. I'm not sure which is her true self.

 

If I went by her actions I'd have to say she's not much of a friend. But my gut says she's afraid of being vulnerable. We had a falling out where she said some cruel things to me & I've pretty much ignored her since. She's made no attempts to apologize or patch things up, but I can't tell if it's because she doesn't care or if she's afraid of reaching out. She'll respond if I make a gesture of kindness, but won't initiate anything herself.

 

So my brain says leave her alone, but my heart says be patient. My gut says she's a good person. But logic says she's not. Self-delusion? Wishful thinking? Perceptiveness? What now?

[Calendula]

Thanx guys. Good advice. I think you've figured it's someone who acts like a good person, but my feelings says they're not. Problem is, it's the opposite.

 

I have a friend with a split personality: her good side is very caring, her bad side can be kind of ugly. I'm not sure which is her true self.

 

If I went by her actions I'd have to say she's not much of a friend. But my gut says she's afraid of being vulnerable. We had a falling out where she said some cruel things to me & I've pretty much ignored her since. She's made no attempts to apologize or patch things up, but I can't tell if it's because she doesn't care or if she's afraid of reaching out. She'll respond if I make a gesture of kindness, but won't initiate anything herself.

 

So my brain says leave her alone, but my heart says be patient. My gut says she's a good person. But logic says she's not. Self-delusion? Wishful thinking? Perceptiveness? What now?

 

I would say that both the 'good' and the 'bad' sides of her are simply components of her true self. People are never simply one thing or the other; we are all multifaceted and complicated and show different parts of ourselves in different situations.

 

If you're trying to decide whether or not to mend your bridges with her, I would suggest that you should make your decision based on your gut feelings, but with caution. As someone who can be accused of 'over' analyzing alost everything, I've learned that an analysis can take you wherever you want it to. By this I mean that it is very easy to see what we want to see rather than what actually is, and then interpret those things TOO MUCH based on our own feelings. It is also important to always remember that you can't possibly know everything, especially when it comes to what someone else is thinking or feeling, or what their reasons might be for a certain course of action.

 

You have to decide whether or not your relationship with this person is worth fighting for. Do you want this person to continue to be an active part of your life or is this someone who tprimarily akes from you, hurts you, and whom you should leave behind you?

 

I think you also should think about how you would feel at some point in the future regarding any decisions you make now. Do you want to look back and wonder 'what if I'd tried' or do you want to be able to look back and know that you tried and it didn't work out anyway? The best possible outcome, of course, would be for you to reach out and your relationship with this person becomes stronger and better for having made it through the struggle. While fear of being hurt can keep you from being hurt again, it can also keep you from facing your fears, dealing with them, and moving on to something better.

[threebyfate]

Leave her alone. Being afraid of being vulnerable isn't a justifiable reason to be cruel to a friend.

 

She's been cruel to you once, she can and will be cruel to you again, whether it's from feeling vulnerable or having no impulse control.

[Badenov]

Thank you all for your advice. Threebyfate, you're right about her lack of impulse control. And Calendula has a point about looking back. But I have to admit there's nothing morecan do for her.Any attempts to save our friendship will have to come from her. I'll simply respond with caution.