No way out

[Natasha]

My ex tells me he will commit a suicide if I don't return to him soon. I know he will do it, he is very depressed. I do care about him a lot, and I would certainly do anything for him. But unfortunately I've recently met a man and we love each other. But I cannot be happy, knowing that soon I will lose my ex forever, and the fault is entirely mine, because I wasn't there at the most difficult time of his life. He doesn't have any relatives or friends, neither do I. He was the one who left me, but apparently he changed since then.

What di I do? At times I feel that there is no solution, there is no way I can make both of them happy. But either one of them will die, or I will lose the love of my life, or at least this opportunity to love and be loved. We have a very special relationship with this new man in my life. I've been trying to look for a solution, talking to my ex, looking for a new woman for him. But he is loosing his desire to live with each passing day and feels there is no life for him without me. That is also due to the fact that he has some disability which makes it hard for him to meet women. I am sure he would feel better if he met someone, but being depressed and with a prior unsuccessful experience in dating, he is not even trying anymore. I wish there was some way to bring him back to life. It is so painful to see this happening and me not being able to do anything about it.

Whatever I do, I want to relieve my conscience, I want to know I did the right thing, I want to do the best possible in this situation. But time goes on and I only feel worse and don't see any way out. I would certainly give it another chance if I didn't meet this other man. Now leaving him will break my heart, it would be too hard, I am not able to do it, to give up the happiness of my whole life.

What do I do?

[Arabess]

It is wonderful of you to care...but to go back into the relationship under these circumstances wouldn't work anyway. You would ultimately feel manipulated.

 

Perhaps you could make a therapist appointment for him or get him in touch with a crisis center. If he IS feeling suicidal....he needs professional help. You would be doing him more of a favor helping him get it than simply returning to the relationship.

[Natasha]

Thank you very much for your response. I did offer him to see a psychologist, but he refused.

[faux]

Originally posted by Natasha

Thank you very much for your response. I did offer him to see a psychologist, but he refused.

 

You are under no obligation to help your ex. If he wants to kill himself, go ahead and let him. Hope he has fun with that idea. I know that sounds rude, but he cannot possibly blame you for attempted suicide.

 

He needs to deal with these issues on his own. He is responsible for his own actions — not anyone else. I see this as an attempt at controlling you, and it is very much wrong.

 

I've gone through similar things. I even had one instance where an ex of mine tried to kill herself, and was committed to a mental hospital, because I had told her how nasty of a person I felt she was. Her family tried to bring me to court over it, blaming me for "pushing her to suicide" by my "cruel words".

 

My attorney approached them face to face, and actually said "If this girl wants to go and kill herself, then let her have fun doing that. That's her own business. She has no right involving my client." Nothing happened to me in court, either.

 

You definitely cannot be held responsible for this man's actions, even if he gets put into a hospital.

[Arabess]

GREAT POST Faux. I wanted to say the same thing but was trying to avoid sounding too harsh. I totally agree with you!!!

[Girlie]

Faux is right. As harsh as this sounds, you need to walk away from this person. He's trying to manipulate you into coming back to him in what I think is one of the most underhanded ways possible. Do not let him do this. It's so wrong. I know I would feel awful if someone killed themself because I wouldn't come back to them, but you can't let your life revolve around someone who's pulling on your strings like this either.

You might search the yellow pages or internet for emergency hotlines you can call on his behalf if you want to. I've never dealt with suicide, but I've heard of different hotlines and stuff...perhaps you could talk to someone who's trained in this area and who could tell you how to deal with this or even intervene if necessary.

[dirtyme99]

You know its always nice to make someone feel more worthless than they allready do..feels great.

[freebird]

"But I cannot be happy, knowing that soon I will lose my ex forever, and the fault is entirely mine, "

 

 

Repeat this to yourself: Nobody can MAKE anybody do anything. EVER!! He is CHOOSING to do this to himself and trying to deprive you of your happiness.

 

He needs to get to therapy - pronto. Don't make his burdens yours - I think we've all carried guilt for ourselves and others a little too long. How dare you blame you!

 

Sorry, but that is unjust and so terribly damaging to you...he's not thinking of you, he's thinking of himself - I had a friend whose boyfriend tried to commit suicide while she was on the phone with him - she freaked out and was in therapy herself for 10 years - that ass**** really did her in and you need to just walk away -wish him the best, notify the authorities, the local suicide intervention - but don't make it your problem. Harsh but true.

 

You should see that old movie "SPlendor in the Grass" it addresses this very issue. Good luck!

[echocrush]

He can refuse help all he wants, but if there is reason to think he is "a danger to himself or others" in my state the police will come pick him up and he will have a minimum three day evaluation in a psych ward. All it takes is reporting that he threatened to kill himself and they will usually take that as a credible threat.

[Juggs]

I must agree with everyone here so far. It is great that you want to be there for him and that you care BUT... If he tries to kill himself, it is not your fault.

 

In my experience (which isn't all that extensive) The people who really want to kill themselves don't tell anyone about it, they just do it. The people who talk about it are crying out for help... They don't really want to hurt themselves.

 

It sounds like he is trying to make you feel like the only way to prevent him from trying to kill himself is for you to go back with him and he refuses to seek professional help.... Well, for the sake of his well-being, what if you said to him that you might consider going back with him if he goes to a shrink... You don't ultimately have to go back to him, but it might be a way to get him to get help.

[longlegzs80]

That is great that you care about him so much, but he has to understand that he should not put that burden on you as far as getting back together and if you don't then he will go kill himself. That is not very fair to you, and if you know this and that he will do something dirastic, then you need to tell as many people as possible, his family, friends, counsellors or whatever, just people who can help him get through this.

 

Don't go back to him because he is treatening suicide, because you will tell as many people who can help him, to help him as soon as possible before it is too late. You don't want to take this situation lightly, but you need to act upon it very quickly. There is obvious issues here where he needs major help. So, what you can do for him is to stand by him and help him in any way possible. It is obvious that this relationship is not a healthy one and it sounds more stressful then anything on your part because he is doing this to you.

 

But as I said, be there for him, but you need to act on this matter as soon as possible to have family and friends involved in his depression problem. Hope this helps.

[Natasha]

Thank you very much to all who replied. The problem is, I don't really understand him. He has been calling me every day 3 or 4 times a day at least. Now for the last 2 days he isn't calling and is not responding to my messages. It is true that I care because I considered him to be a friend. But now it sounds like if I don't return to him, he doesn't want to know me. And I ask myself, may be I care about him more than he cares about me? If he did need me so bad, would he be ignoring me?

[Papillon]

If my ex's told me they'd kill themselves if I didn't go back to them, I'd tell them that I'd piss on their graves if they did. That's the worst kind of emotional blackmail.

 

That bastard is manipulating you. He's using this tactic simply because he KNOWS that you would feel guilty. THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS! He needs to get help, and you should not encourage his manipulation. What he is doing is revolting, and you should tell him that.

 

What a pathetic, selfish loser. Maybe you should let him read this thread.

 

 

GET A LIFE BUDDY! AND STOP SCREWING WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS!

[Natasha]

The problem is, I am not indifferent to him, and I would like to see him, and I do care. And I tell him about it. However, it seems I am talking to a wall. He tells me, it doesn't matter if I care on a telephone, if I am not there to help him when he feels lonely. He lives quite far, about 8 hours of flying time. Besides, he would like me to get rid of everything I own before I came, so it would be like moving permanently. Well, I didn't make this decision yet. Does that mean that I don't care? Sometimes I mention an idea of him moving to my area. He refuses to move here, even temporarily. So how in the world do I understand what he needs? What is it that he needs from me, if my feelings don't seem to be important, and at this moment he is ignoring my phone calls? But I am sure there will be another bitter call from him saying, that he will be dead after a certain date next month.