DontWorryBHappy Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) So it's been over a month since my ex broke up with me. The first two weeks were hell, but after that I started gradually feeling a little better each day. I unfortunately ran into him again after around 3 weeks NC, then we hung out and I relapsed big time (very emotional, needy, etc). Now I've been back at NC for almost a week and I'm again feeling a lot better, but definitely not healed. Really, I've come to a disturbing realization about myself. I realized that ever since I started college I have always been fixated on a guy. ALWAYS. The timeline: - started college and almost immediately began a relationship with a guy I met there. was a rocky relationship that lasted 2 years, until I transferred to my current college. - almost immediately after that break up I got temporarily involved with another guy that I had developed a crush on. he didnt want to date me - shortly after that (within a couple weeks) got involved with yet another guy that only used me for sex, even though I thought he was interested. - dated ANOTHER guy almost right after that and he was terrible for me too and it didnt work, although again, he was the one who broke it off. - almost right after that I met my next boyfriend - a relationship that lasted 3 months... dumped again. - Was devastated over that break up for a couple months, then just a couple weeks after that I met my next boyfriend..... - that relationship lasted no more than 2 months (dumped AGAIN) - I then developed a crush on a friend that did not turn into anything (luckily) and literally the next month was in my most recent relationship (lasted 7 months.... and yes, dumped again). - Finally, I reached out to a guy in one of my classes shortly after my most recent break up and went out on a couple dates with him before deciding to be friends.... but then we still made out while drunk. >_< SO.......... I've realized a couple things: 1. Even though all of these relationships/flings were wrong for me, I was always the one being dumped because I would refuse to let go of someone - even someone who was terribly wrong for me... probably just for the sake of having someone by me. 2. I've been using this fixation on guys as an escape.... as a way to distract myself from my goals and the things that I need to do (things that are not easy to do). As long as I had a guy, that was something I could devote about 80% of my energy to... and a part of me liked having that unhealthy distraction... just because it was a distraction.... like a drug that I could hit up every day to avoid my life! WOW..... It's all so clear now. I need to avoid dating like the plague until i am much more established. I'm so thankful for this realization.... Edited May 26, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 Sounds just about right Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 I'm really impressed with your insight, here, DWBH. Your post shows a lot of careful thought and a logical conclusion. It's a very easy trap to fall into, if your life isn't as brilliant as you'd like it to be, so don't be hard on yourself (you know that's my job! ) but do hold onto that thought: I've been using this fixation on guys as an escape.... as a way to distract myself from my goals and the things that I need to do (things that are not easy to do). This kind of thinking (and the benefits of it) is, in fact, the REWARD that accompanies heartbreak. It is really not easy to pursue those goals you know you really should be pursuing but, by hell, it is worth it - it results in true happiness. And with this kind of attitude, I can tell you, it's well within your reach. Can't wait to hear more about what happens next. x Link to post Share on other sites
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