not attracted to my wife

[thisisausername]

 

get counseling... find out why you are so shallow.

 

I was born that way. I'm happy that way. I have no intention of changing.

[thisisausername]

How does she feel about her appearance and current fitness level? Is she happy as is? Or is she down on herself? Is she wanting to change but failing?

 

She's not happy. She wants to change, but has been failing for years. I've been trying for years to do everything I can to help her succeed. But there's always an excuse.

[thisisausername]

Is there a medical reason? Is she depressed? Post partum? Also, how has he raised the issue with her? Has he been accusatory, or loving? Made her feel bad, or been sensitive?

 

I highly doubt this is so cut-and-dried as to simply say "OP is shallow. Period."

 

She figured that once she had a guy roped in she could let herself go. I've had this conversation with her. She thought I would "mature" out of being superficial.

 

Honestly, I am shallow to a certain extent. I don't expect my wife to be a supermodel, or to be in the same shape she was in when she was 21. But, I do expect her to take care of herself compared to other women her age.

[whichwayisup]

Bingo!

 

When we met, she was fit. We both were. We used to go to the gym together. But that's changed. I've stayed in good shape. She hasn't. It's been an ongoing issue for several years now. How many years do you go on like this before you just say, "enough!"?

 

Then you need to tell up front and be honest -- I love you but with your weight gain and non activity, it's really turned me off. I want you to be healthy, and feel good. You don't exercise at all, don't go to the gym with me anymore.. Let's get you feeling physical again by going out for a brisk walk every night after dinner. Let's do a yoga class together. Let's take tennis lessons or do squash..

 

Just giving you some idea's.

 

I'm sure it's not ALL about her weight gain, but her attitude about it over all, right?

 

How long did you wait before talking to her about this? Month, a year? 2 years?

 

If she refuses to exercise, then you have a decision to make. To stay with someone you love but don't find sexually attractive anymore, or divorce, even though you DO love her but will not stay in a sexless marriage.

 

Let her know how serious this is to you, that she is non active. Don't call her FAT!!! That is not good and making her feel bad and ashamed is not going to work out in your favour if you want your life to lose weight and be active again. You need to be loving and supportive, helpful and encouraging that she CAN do this.

[thisisausername]

 

When you have discussed this with your wife how has she reacted? How have you presented it?

 

At first I tried to be tactful, nurturing, supporting. I said, "let's go shopping together for healthy food." "Let's go jogging together." "Let's help keep each other healthy." Sounds good on the surface right? Well, there was always an excuse with her, and it's gotten worse. It's been several years of this now. After years of frustration, I've started to become more blunt about things.

[thisisausername]

 

Over time you're going to have to accept that any partner you choose is going to look less appealing over time.

You need to analyze what's truly important to you - children become a womans focus if she's a decent mother and her needs come secondary. As the children get older she can begin to take care of herself a bit more as they need her a bit less...but she'll need your help either way. If you cannot figure out a way to either find her attractive despite her looks or help her change it (if that's what she wants) then you may want to consider - what would you want her to do if the situation were reversed?

 

I'm fine with that. I don't expect her to look the way she did when she was 21. I do expect her to take care of herself compared to other women her age.

 

You need to analyze what's truly important to you - children become a womans focus if she's a decent mother and her needs come secondary. As the children get older she can begin to take care of herself a bit more as they need her a bit less...but she'll need your help either way. If you cannot figure out a way to either find her attractive despite her looks or help her change it (if that's what she wants) then you may want to consider - what would you want her to do if the situation were reversed?

 

You sound exactly like her. Believe me I've tried all kinds of things to help.

[whichwayisup]

At first I tried to be tactful, nurturing, supporting. I said, "let's go shopping together for healthy food." "Let's go jogging together." "Let's help keep each other healthy." Sounds good on the surface right? Well, there was always an excuse with her, and it's gotten worse. It's been several years of this now. After years of frustration, I've started to become more blunt about things.

 

Then blunt. Either get yourself healthy (don't call her fat and lazy) and fit again or I can't stay and support this lifestyle choice.

 

Now, I need to ask, is it possible your wife is depressed? Depression and low energy may come off as lazy and not caring.

[thisisausername]

On any given day, which one of you does the majority of the child care, housework, errands, etc? You know - all the normal tasks required to keep a family going? Be sure to count even the little tasks - those add up. Some couples share all those responsibilities equally, and sometimes only one of the couple does the lion's share.

 

She's a stay at home mom. We hire a housekeeper to do a lot of the cleaning. She does most of the childcare, but I do a lot too. In fact, I usually watch the kids at least one night a week while she goes out with her friends. She seems to have plenty of free time to watch tv shows about "real housewives".

[whichwayisup]

How old are the kids?

 

It could be she's lost who she is...She's a wife, a mom and at home. Sure, going out once a week with her friends is great, but she may feel sad and down about not being out there in work force. Is it possible (if she is interested) for her to work part time? Or volunteer somewhere? Just to get out of the house and be around people, have adult converations and be herself. Not a wife, not a mom.. Hope this makes sense to you.

[thisisausername]

I'm sure it's not ALL about her weight gain, but her attitude about it over all, right?

 

You're right. A lot of it is the attitude of "I've got a man now, so I can let myself go." That's a huge turn-off.

 

I'm just now realizing this. So I appreciate everyone on here that has listened to me vent, and has replied.

 

Let her know how serious this is to you, that she is non active. Don't call her FAT!!! That is not good and making her feel bad and ashamed is not going to work out in your favour if you want your life to lose weight and be active again. You need to be loving and supportive, helpful and encouraging that she CAN do this.

 

I have. I've been supportive, encouraging for years now. But nothing has changed. There's always an excuse. I can only go so far. At some point she has to make a decision about what she wants to do.

[thisisausername]

How old are the kids?

 

They're all young.

 

Is it possible (if she is interested) for her to work part time? Or volunteer somewhere? Just to get out of the house and be around people, have adult converations and be herself. Not a wife, not a mom.. Hope this makes sense to you.

 

She volunteers at the kids' school. She doesn't want to get a job. She had one when we were first starting out, and is glad she doesn't have to worry about a job anymore. I make enough money that we can live comfortably without worrying about money. She's social and in several mom's groups, so I don't think the adult conversation thing is an issue.

[thisisausername]

Then blunt. Either get yourself healthy (don't call her fat and lazy) and fit again or I can't stay and support this lifestyle choice.

 

That's pretty much the point we're at now.

 

Now, I need to ask, is it possible your wife is depressed? Depression and low energy may come off as lazy and not caring.

 

That's possible. Honestly, I'm too ignorant about knowing the signs to know. Maybe it's something chemical like that in her brain. I'm going to look into that.

[whichwayisup]

You're right. A lot of it is the attitude of "I've got a man now, so I can let myself go." That's a huge turn-off.

 

I'm just now realizing this. So I appreciate everyone on here that has listened to me vent, and has replied.

 

 

 

I have. I've been supportive, encouraging for years now. But nothing has changed. There's always an excuse. I can only go so far. At some point she has to make a decision about what she wants to do.

 

That's crap and it's time she understands how it's affecting how you feel towards her. Either she's selfish and doesn't care on the affect it's having on you or she is clueless on this and doesn't realize how frustrated you truly are..

 

As a couple, do you two spend time together? Go out for dinner, go on date nights, let the grandparents take the kids? Get a sitter once in a while?

 

You say years, but exactly how many years has she been like this? If you don't mind me asking... Your kids are young, so how young is the youngest one?

[whichwayisup]

That's pretty much the point we're at now.

 

 

 

That's possible. Honestly, I'm too ignorant about knowing the signs to know. Maybe it's something chemical like that in her brain. I'm going to look into that.

 

Okay, start by asking her to see her doctor to make sure she's okay. Ask her how she's feeling inside (do you feel sad, alone, lonely, depressed, low energy) etc..

 

Once the kids are in bed, what does she do? What's the routine during the week and weekends?

[Zolie]

She's a stay at home mom. We hire a housekeeper to do a lot of the cleaning. She does most of the childcare, but I do a lot too. In fact, I usually watch the kids at least one night a week while she goes out with her friends. She seems to have plenty of free time to watch tv shows about "real housewives".

 

Oh dear, I do recognize that tone. You feel serious, serious resentment towards her. I don't know if it's caused strictly by the weight gain, or if there are other things contributing to the resentment. Whatever is causing it, you are on a slippery slope, my friend. Once you start having those thoughts and resentments, it is hard to see anything good in your spouse. Believe me, I should know. BTDT.

 

It took a 6 year separation for my husband and me to be able to let go of our serious resentments and make our marriage work. From my perspective, I had some HUGE resentments to get over. But I did it. (no sex drive on his part, and alcoholism, to name two)

 

But, in my experience, few people are able to get over those kind of deep seated resentments, once they start feeling them. It takes some serious soul searching and sometimes a reality check to overcome that.

 

I hate what divorce does to kids, but in your case I don't see that you have much choice. I don't think you will ever feel the same way about her. I hope I'm wrong, but I doubt it. I'm sorry.

[Zolie]

I was born that way. I'm happy that way. I have no intention of changing.

 

Not sure if you were just being sarcastic there, or if you really feel that way. If you really feel that way, though, then you must stop and think that your wife might just feel the same way about her "faults". She could easily say "I was born this way. I'm happy this way. I have no intention of changing."

 

Of course she wasn't born fat. But, she was born with whatever makes her brain not want to exercise now, and want to eat sweets, or whatever makes her overweight. She could easily say "I'm happy this way."

 

I really wish there was a solution to this problem. It is a huge problem in so many marriages.

[John Michael Kane]

i still smell an affair brewing.

 

IF you don't like the way the M is - or the way your W is - do her a favor and leave. she can find someone who loves all of her... without judgement.

 

Considering my "controversial" black and white view on cheating I would normally agree with you, but that doesn't seem the case here. This is a man who has been more than nice and gentle to his wife about her weight, and this is a woman who is obviously lazy. He has a right to express his resentment, which has been brewing for a long time. I wouldn't want a fat wife either. Nothing wrong with gaining a few sexy pounds, but making up excuses for years and not going on diets for a few months at least (or at least taking one long walk a day or something along those lines), is just plain lazy and there's no excuse for it.

[Woman In Blue]

In her defense, she's spit out 3 kids for you - that will definitely do damage to a woman's body. I wouldn't do that for any man.

 

In your defense, it does sound like she's lazy. Why does she have a housecleaner when she's NOT even working? And I don't want to hear that CRAP from women posters that being a "stay at home is the hardest job in the world" because it ISN'T. It's freakin' cakewalk because I DID it for 3 years. And in those 3 years, I didn't get fat and lazy. In fact, because I wasn't working outside the home for those 3 years, I did EVERYTHING - childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying the bills AND cutting the grass and taking out the garbage, etc. etc. etc. Hubby had to do ZERO because I did it all. Even when I went back to work full-time, I continued doing it ALL - except for the lawncare. Being a SAHM is pitifully easy - work a fulltime job AND continue doing it all at home then come back and tell me how 'hard' it is to be a SAHM. Please.

 

She's home all day so I don't get why she needs a housekeeper. Maybe you should rethink that so she's not so lazy and actually has to DO something at home.

[xxoo]

She's not happy. She wants to change, but has been failing for years. I've been trying for years to do everything I can to help her succeed. But there's always an excuse.

 

Try to keep this in mind. She's unhappy, not uncaring. It is about her, not you.

 

When she says things about you accepting her as is--do you think that maybe she is feeling very defensive? Given what I've quoted, what do you think is the real truth? That she wants change, or she doesn't care what you think?

 

Her lifestyle was completely overhauled when she had children and became a SAHM. In order to become fit again, her lifestyle will need to completely overhaul again. That is not an easy mountain to climb, esp with young, needy kids and a husband that works a lot of hours. Much of her lifestyle is likely determined by the needs of the kids at this point.

[ShatteredReality]

I agree with what some have said - sounds like she's depressed or something. Does she have any other health issues that point toward what is going on with her? There are quite a few health issues that cause weight gain - not to mention if she is depressed some of the meds they give for those cause weight gain as well...and when that's going on it seems no matter what a person does the weight doesn't come off.

 

While I envy the time she must have on her hands at a SAHM, I also recognize it can be an emotionally draining job. I have been trying to talk my H into letting me cut my hrs because when I was working part time I had the time I needed to make healthy meals for the family every night in addition to plenty of other things around the house.

 

In the last six months I have taken up going to a few exercise classes a week and it's been one of the best things I have started doing for myself. Maybe she needs to find something that she enjoys that helps with it to start...I loved going to the gym when I was younger, but not as much now - there is something about walking into a room full of people who are miles ahead on their journey than you that makes it unappealing...Plus she may need to regain some stamina before putting in the "quality time" at the gym. Check out local Zumba classes or something along those lines...less crowded classes are better b/c you have more room to move.

 

And ultimately, if this problem is serious enough for you, it might be time to consider a seperation. If she cannot or will not change her weight and it's that important to you, then you will eventually wind up having an affair as your resentment grows toward her. And if you don't have an affair you will still be completely miserable and that will spread throughout the family like a poison.

[Kriss]

I wonder what she is doing on those girl nights out.

 

Not every man is so bothered by a little or a lot of extra padding.

[whichwayisup]

The actual weight isn't the real issue here. It's her attitude and NON action, NON activity that is bothersome to him. She doesn't walk, do yoga, exercise nor does she want to. She comes off as lazy and not caring. I do think she needs a full physical to make sure that her health is okay and also find out if she is infact suffering from depression and/or PPD after having the last child.

 

This man obviously loves his wife but is frustrated and upset with her not taking care of herself. If she were JUST to lose the weight, I still believe he would be feeling frustrated with her attitude overall. Sure, he'd be maybe getting sex but the rest of their relationship is suffering too.

[whichwayisup]

I wonder what she is doing on those girl nights out.

 

Not every man is so bothered by a little or a lot of extra padding.

 

I highly doubt his wife is out cheating.

[Kriss]

A woman who is that self-conscious about her weight is not going out clubbing like that. She sounds very selfish and he sounds very accommodating. All that is needed is a man willing to whisper sweet nothings in her ear. "You are beautiful to me honey, I like you just the way you are. Your husband is crazy to criticize you."

[JaneyAmazed]

She's a stay at home mom. We hire a housekeeper to do a lot of the cleaning. She does most of the childcare, but I do a lot too. In fact, I usually watch the kids at least one night a week while she goes out with her friends. She seems to have plenty of free time to watch tv shows about "real housewives".

 

 

It's unfair to judge what she has "plenty of time for" but that's not what I want to address here. She has to want to do this for herself. I weigh about 10 pounds less now than I did before I had kids. I wasn't overweight then, but I still could lose a few. I made the decision after each of my pregancies to lose the weight and I stuck to it. I don't obsess over my weight but I keep it where I'm comfortable and happy. It's just something that's important to me. If it's not important to her, she probably won't try to lose the weight. I take good care of my children, but I don't forget to take care of myself. I don't think you are being shallow at all. It's only natural to want to be attracted to your wife. If it's not important to her that you are attracted to her, I'm not sure what you can do at this point.