not attracted to my wife

[John Michael Kane]

The actual weight isn't the real issue here. It's her attitude and NON action, NON activity that is bothersome to him.

 

The actual weight is the real issue here, along with her attitude.

[zlatnapolja]

She's a stay at home mom. We hire a housekeeper to do a lot of the cleaning. She does most of the childcare, but I do a lot too. In fact, I usually watch the kids at least one night a week while she goes out with her friends. She seems to have plenty of free time to watch tv shows about "real housewives".

 

OMG, joke right? hehehe. Honostly I'm all for taking the effort to to really first of all take care of yourself and second to take the time to look good for your husband/wife, but what you're saying is really mean. First of all watching the children is your task as a father and taking care of them 1 night a week is nog a big deal, its your job!

 

Second, I think she should maybe get a job too, like the others say it sounds like she's depressed, because most women love to dress up and take care of their bodies. Take some dancing lessons together! Or some other sport that: 1. gets you both in shape, 2. makes her feel closer (read: more in love) to you and that will make her feel sexy, this way she'll start to want to take care of herself again.

 

If you don't want to be with her than don't.. But falling back in love sounds like a lot more fun and fullfilling than having to go through a lot of pain from breaking up with a woman that you really love!

[shadowofman]

Sadly, I would feel the same way. I told my ex when we first got together (and she asked), that if she ever got fat I would still love her, but I might not be sexually attracted to her anymore. This is a 100% reasonable statement. It seems that you do still love her, but you also want to have a health sex life. And how is that possible when you are not being stimulated like you need. Does she seem upset about lack of sex or indifferent? I would get a real doll if you don't want to break up the family.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am so exhausted and it is 4:14 am here, but I dud see this thread pop to the top and I couldn't leave it alone.

 

1. Your pushing and pulling will cost you the marriage And it will be a bigger deal then you think.

 

2. Overseeing and a sedentary lifestyle ARE NOT character faults that society like to ascribe to them.

 

3. Overseeing and a sedentary lifestyle are actually a brain function issue. This does not mean that your wife is crazy etc. It means that there is a neurological reason for her being this way. That being the case there is s physical function involved that is solvable but not but shaming her, guilting her, threatening the end of your relationship or rejecting her despite your frustration. If you want to solve the problem it is the sane as any other marital issue. You attack THE PROBLEM NOT THE PERSON.

 

4. One great resource for exactly this issue is The Amen Solution. Dr. Daniel Amen runs several brain clinics in the states and he has published several books based on the spectral scans he has done. Foods today including refined carbohydrates work on certain areas of the brain producing an addictive reaction and draining energy. Your wife is 99% probably not aware of this. Most likely she likes her tv and sugary foods and then feels sapped of energy. By the way, switching off to a new type of eating will cause withdrawal symptoms (mine are severe headaches lasting up to 3-4 days). If she is not aware of this she may give up.

 

5. The Amen Solution can help you as a partner figure out is she has a compulsive/impulsive/mood-oriented eating pattern. ALL ARE TREATABLE, MOST WITH VERY SIMPLE CHANGES IN LIFESTYLE.

 

6. You may be concerned that she won't change because you have "tried everything." people who get a "fix" from certain foods will be very hesitant and avoidant to give them up. Quite frankly a study in France (can dig up source if necessary) has shown sugar to be more addictive then heroin to some people. You cannot approach this with guns blazing, guilt flying, and like she is a problem that needs "fixing." I strongly suggest reading How to Help the One You Love by Brad Lamm.

 

7. No one is going to make any drastic change for you in this world or any other unless you show them that you care about them first and that they need help and then want to help them. The whole "I've got a man" thing is a total bs defense mechanism. No woman is happy being unattractive to her mate and feeling like she "got away with something."

 

8. Instead of trying to justify your want to get rid of the relationship because your sexual attraction needs aren't being met: try not assassinating your wife's character. Try dealing with the issue by doing something different then you have been. I would bet my life savings (all $3.24 of it) that your wife feels embarassed and ashamed over her issue and doesn't think that she can change it on her own. Educate yourself and don't bitch after her about it. Stick to a solid approach and read before you decide to throw in the towel.

 

If any of this sounds harsh, I apologize. I have been dealing with some of this issue in my own life and know how difficult it can be to nail down and deal with. At the end of the day you are going to feel like a real dope if you toss the whole marriage based in something that might've only taken 6 months of effort.

 

To be honest you sound like the type that shames when they get frustrated. Healthy people just don't go there so you may have a communication issue yourself to deal with. I am sure it has not gotten the results you were hoping for. (I have shaming issues as well, working on em(

[Woman In Blue]

Not in the US. Some/a lot of women get married and officially go downhill. They get lazy. There are plenty of women who trap men with this. The second they get married they put on a ton of weight

Well rats - you figured out the top-secret female diabolical plot we've all been taught at birth and have all sworn never to reveal. Gosh, these smart guys always see right through us, don't they?

 

I'm just over 5' tall and have weighed 105 pounds my whole adult life. Over the course of the first 6 or 7 years or my marriage, my ex husband ballooned up to 250 pounds (he was 190 when I married him). The exact same thing happened to my longtime girlfriend who didn't put on weight after she was married - but her husband sure did. Neither one of us acted as though the world was coming to an end but then again, I think women don't put nearly as much stock into this silliness as men do.

 

That was years ago and I've since divorced. Being single again in the just over 50 category (and still trim, by the way), I find dating has turned into one big horror show. 95% of the men in my age bracket are hideous to look at - overweight, fat and dumpy, bald (and the patches of hair that are left are white or grey), haggard, deeply lined faces, they're just ugly as sin dipped in sh*t. Either most of them are lying and they're actually 70 years old and NOT the 53 or 54 that they claim, or the simple truth is that MEN don't age well at ALL (which is exactly what I'm finding).

 

There may be alot of women who gain weight from birthing a man's children, but what's the excuse for all these overweight, homely men roaming the earth? I'm seriously considering becoming a lesbian after looking at the Parade of the Damned out there.

[DaisyLeigh]

Well rats - you figured out the top-secret female diabolical plot we've all been taught at birth and have all sworn never to reveal. Gosh, these smart guys always see right through us, don't they?

 

I'm just over 5' tall and have weighed 105 pounds my whole adult life. Over the course of the first 6 or 7 years or my marriage, my ex husband ballooned up to 250 pounds (he was 190 when I married him). The exact same thing happened to my longtime girlfriend who didn't put on weight after she was married - but her husband sure did. Neither one of us acted as though the world was coming to an end but then again, I think women don't put nearly as much stock into this silliness as men do.

 

That was years ago and I've since divorced. Being single again in the just over 50 category (and still trim, by the way), I find dating has turned into one big horror show. 95% of the men in my age bracket are hideous to look at - overweight, fat and dumpy, bald (and the patches of hair that are left are white or grey), haggard, deeply lined faces, they're just ugly as sin dipped in sh*t. Either most of them are lying and they're actually 70 years old and NOT the 53 or 54 that they claim, or the simple truth is that MEN don't age well at ALL (which is exactly what I'm finding).

 

There may be alot of women who gain weight from birthing a man's children, but what's the excuse for all these overweight, homely men roaming the earth? I'm seriously considering becoming a lesbian after looking at the Parade of the Damned out there.

 

 

Didn't you know that it is okay for a man to look like **** on a stick, but if a woman dares to gain 10 pounds or does not have the smooth skin of a baby's butt at age 60, it is a reason do dump her and move on to a younger model.

[awakened]

you should divorce her. placing THAT much value on her looks isn't fair to even the MOST beautiful woman.

 

you aren't showing loving behavior as you don't love her for WHO she is... do her a favor - divorce her. she deserves a man that loves her unconditionally, one that will treat her with loving behavior, not judgement.

 

get counseling... find out why you are so shallow.

----------

 

THIS is a typical case of sexism. You hold this man to such a high standard while his wife is just letting herself go. It's not fair for the wife not to care about her physical appearance when her man does. Like it or not, physical attraction is part of love. When there is something she can do about it, and she doesn't... Especially when she knows how important it is to her husband... What's the big deal with getting fit again?

 

I hear women complain about how their man is bald, fat, and lazy, and they are ready for a new one, and hear women from all over saying this is just fine.

 

Until women come off the double standard, I would not advise listening to this one. C'mon... If you really loved her you would be attracted to her no matter what?! Get a clue.

[John Michael Kane]

Didn't you know that it is okay for a man to look like **** on a stick, but if a woman dares to gain 10 pounds or does not have the smooth skin of a baby's butt at age 60, it is a reason do dump her and move on to a younger model.

 

It's actually the other way around.

 

All he's saying is that he's frustrated with his wife being lazy for many years and he would like for her to stop watching soap oprahs, clipping her toenails, and get off her ass at least once a day. That's not too much to ask.

 

Lets not get on you women and your attitudes when us men gain a few pounds.

[Canuck1979]

Sounds like your wife is depressed. Leading a lazy lifestyle will do that.

 

Also, there's nothing wrong with an individual wanting his/her partner to have a bit of ambition. Go for a walk, get a part time job, do the dishes. It's not as if you have to run a marathon then get a medical degree. It's taking pride in what you do and how you look.

 

To the women complaining about those gross 50+ men. I would suggest dating younger guys. If you look good, you can attract them. I'm 31 and look better than most 21 year-olds out there. I see a lot of muffin tops.

 

Go for a man in his 40s...

[Mme. Chaucer]

There are 50 year old chicks who make it a point to stay in decent shape. That proves OP's wife has no excuse not to do the same thing.

 

She's lazy and selfish. If she's hitting the bars on a frequent basis without her husband she is trolling for strange dick.

 

Oh, hohoho! There are 50 year old CHICKS??? That's rich!

 

Honestly. OP, you remind me a lot of a poster who was around here a lot many months back; I think his user name was Ffit or something like that.

 

Your position is very unpopular with most of us women. I don't like it. I would like for love and its attendant sexual attraction to last forever and throughout all the indignities our bodies have in store for us.

 

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case.

 

I don't feel like I know your wife is lazy or selfish. I do know that people manifest all kinds of issues through how they care for their bodies, and it's likely that she is too.

 

I mean, who wants to be fat? Fat is scorned by our society. If it were just easy peasy to get rid of fat and return to fitness ... there would be very, very few fat people. Well - we have tons () of fat people, and megabillions of dollars in the weight loss industry due to all the capitalization on this problem.

 

My point is that she might not be in a place where she is able to change right now.

 

I wish you loved her enough to be happy with her despite this. It makes me feel sad that I don't think you do. But, if you are truly done with sexual attraction towards her - and you are low on respect for her, clearly shown in the tone of your writing about her - maybe you really do need to move on.

 

There are probably lots of negative aspects to your relationship. Perhaps she will be able to come to a point where she can regain her health and self - love, and care for her own body, if she is not under a negative pall. It must feel bad to be married to a guy who thinks a lot about how fat and unattractive you are, and probably that makes a difficult change even harder to undertake.

[giotto]

I would suggest you give your wife a month off. You take a month off work and look after the kids, full time. After that, you sit down and talk.

[GorillaTheater]

That was years ago and I've since divorced. Being single again in the just over 50 category (and still trim, by the way), I find dating has turned into one big horror show. 95% of the men in my age bracket are hideous to look at - overweight, fat and dumpy, bald (and the patches of hair that are left are white or grey), haggard, deeply lined faces, they're just ugly as sin dipped in sh*t. Either most of them are lying and they're actually 70 years old and NOT the 53 or 54 that they claim, or the simple truth is that MEN don't age well at ALL (which is exactly what I'm finding).

 

WIB and the OP are ostensibly on opposite sides of the issue, but I'm having a tough time seeing an actual difference in their views.

 

My wife is 46, a SAHM and has borne 8 kids. And she's as hot as a Dallas sidewalk in August. I still have a 32" waist. Neither of us would have much of a career as underwear models, but we both want to look good for the other and honestly, it doesn't take THAT much effort.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Or she could get a stationary bicycle and ride it an hour a day while watching her soaps.

 

It really IS "that easy," Mme. Chaucer.

 

No, it's not. If it were "that easy," why do you think that there are hundreds of thousands of people in the USA trying, and failing, over and over, sometimes at great expense and effort to lose weight and keep it off?

 

You know ... your posts are just as obnoxious and useless regardless of your user name du jour.

[Scottdmw]

OP, it sounds like you are very fed up and frustrated with your situation, and angry at your wife for letting herself come to such a state.

 

I do agree with you and other posters that she shouldn't have done this. I think that right now she should realize that this is her problem to solve, and take care of it.

 

All that said, you're in this situation. What can you do about it? It seems to me that when you married her you probably promised something along the lines of “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” That would include getting fat, or depressed.

 

You have three young children. If you get divorced, they will suffer greatly. Even if you just shut down emotionally to your wife, so that the relationship withers, your children will suffer from that too.

 

I know you would like to have a good sex life. Wouldn't we all? But, it seems like in your situation there are other things that are more important. And, a good sex life is an ever-elusive target. If you were to divorce your wife, you might find that the dating scene is not all that fun either. If you are very lucky you might find a new woman, and have a few years of a great sexual relationship with her, only to have it go downhill for some other reason. Then you would have to start the search over again, in search of the next new high. That is very common.

 

If I were you, I would let go of the idea that you can fix this. By all means, keep trying to some extent. Make sure your wife understands that you are there for her if she wants to exercise or eat healthy or whatever. But, stop making that “good sex life” and “thin wife” the focus of your life. Stop making it the goal you are striving towards with most of your efforts. Really just let it go. I know it's hard, but find some other goal. Work can be okay for that, but obviously it hasn't been enough for you, so maybe you need to find something else. You could try a volunteer project, a hobby, a new job, further education, or whatever. Find something else that seems meaningful you can direct your energy towards, something else that makes you excited to get up in the morning. Most importantly find something you have a good chance of being able to succeed at where your success is mostly within your own power, not someone else's. That will help you escape feelings of frustration, which are the natural result of having a goal that is almost entirely out of your own power.

 

If you do this, you may find that the “bad” sex life seems less important. You may even find that at some point your wife comes to a different place in her own life and decides to solve her own problem.

 

The bottom line is I don't think you're going to get very far trying to force her to change. The more you try to force a person the more she will resist. It doesn't matter if you are blunt or subtle about it, she knows what you want and she's probably feeling pressured enough already.

 

Best wishes

 

Scott

[John Michael Kane]

OP, it sounds like you are very fed up and frustrated with your situation, and angry at your wife for letting herself come to such a state.

 

I do agree with you and other posters that she shouldn't have done this. I think that right now she should realize that this is her problem to solve, and take care of it.

 

All that said, you're in this situation. What can you do about it? It seems to me that when you married her you probably promised something along the lines of “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” That would include getting fat, or depressed.

 

You have three young children. If you get divorced, they will suffer greatly. Even if you just shut down emotionally to your wife, so that the relationship withers, your children will suffer from that too.

 

I know you would like to have a good sex life. Wouldn't we all? But, it seems like in your situation there are other things that are more important. And, a good sex life is an ever-elusive target. If you were to divorce your wife, you might find that the dating scene is not all that fun either. If you are very lucky you might find a new woman, and have a few years of a great sexual relationship with her, only to have it go downhill for some other reason. Then you would have to start the search over again, in search of the next new high. That is very common.

 

If I were you, I would let go of the idea that you can fix this. By all means, keep trying to some extent. Make sure your wife understands that you are there for her if she wants to exercise or eat healthy or whatever. But, stop making that “good sex life” and “thin wife” the focus of your life. Stop making it the goal you are striving towards with most of your efforts. Really just let it go. I know it's hard, but find some other goal. Work can be okay for that, but obviously it hasn't been enough for you, so maybe you need to find something else. You could try a volunteer project, a hobby, a new job, further education, or whatever. Find something else that seems meaningful you can direct your energy towards, something else that makes you excited to get up in the morning. Most importantly find something you have a good chance of being able to succeed at where your success is mostly within your own power, not someone else's. That will help you escape feelings of frustration, which are the natural result of having a goal that is almost entirely out of your own power.

 

If you do this, you may find that the “bad” sex life seems less important. You may even find that at some point your wife comes to a different place in her own life and decides to solve her own problem.

 

The bottom line is I don't think you're going to get very far trying to force her to change. The more you try to force a person the more she will resist. It doesn't matter if you are blunt or subtle about it, she knows what you want and she's probably feeling pressured enough already.

 

Best wishes

 

Scott

 

He's not trying to force her to change. She's been sitting on that ass for years, doing nothing. It's time to tone that ass and put it in a skirt so she and OP can go out and have a good time, followed by a night of good sex. Not watching Maury and Housewives of New York all day.

[Lucky_One]

Something that popped into my mind while reading all the arguments here about women vs men, fat vs fit, love vs attraction:

 

If OP divorced his wife and she was finished with the legal aspects and getting used to being a single parent at home, the FIRST thing she would do would be to go on a diet and get fit.

[zlatnapolja]

He's not trying to force her to change. She's been sitting on that ass for years, doing nothing. It's time to tone that ass and put it in a skirt so she and OP can go out and have a good time, followed by a night of good sex. Not watching Maury and Housewives of New York all day.

 

you sound incredibly mean. you're talking about a person, who gives you the right to make such a judgement...

 

Up to a certain point its explainable that thisisausername isnt attracted to his wife at the moment. The guy still loves his wife though (he claims he does at least), so the attraction can come back if he wants it too. The woman may or may not be depressed I dont know, seems like it. But you honestly sound heartless. Don't see how this comment can possibly save a marriage.

[GorillaTheater]

If OP divorced his wife and she was finished with the legal aspects and getting used to being a single parent at home, the FIRST thing she would do would be to go on a diet and get fit.

 

Man, you got that right.

 

Life is one big irony-fest.

[zlatnapolja]

Something that popped into my mind while reading all the arguments here about women vs men, fat vs fit, love vs attraction:

 

If OP divorced his wife and she was finished with the legal aspects and getting used to being a single parent at home, the FIRST thing she would do would be to go on a diet and get fit.

 

Thats true in some cases, I think because people who are used to a certain situation (unhealthy life style in this case) and dont feel safe going into a new situation, maybe also thinking they cant do it, not having the energy for it etc.

 

However when people get a divorce they by definition are in a different situation than they were in before, so its easier to start something new. Also it sometimes gives them a rush. They feel better about themselves, want to take care of themselves etc.

[John Michael Kane]

you sound incredibly mean.

 

No I'm not.

 

who gives you the right to make such a judgement...

 

I did.

 

U

p to a certain point its explainable that thisisausername isnt attracted to his wife at the moment. The guy still loves his wife though (he claims he does at least), so the attraction can come back if he wants it too. The woman may or may not be depressed I dont know, seems like it. But you honestly sound heartless. Don't see how this comment can possibly save a marriage.

 

Well obviously the gentle route he took didn't work so he's going to have to be significantly more blunt about his objectives.

[GorillaTheater]

Thats true in some cases, I think because people who are used to a certain situation (unhealthy life style in this case) and dont feel safe going into a new situation, maybe also thinking they cant do it, not having the energy for it etc.

 

However when people get a divorce they by definition are in a different situation than they were in before, so its easier to start something new. Also it sometimes gives them a rush. They feel better about themselves, want to take care of themselves etc.

 

That's all true, but you left out one of the biggest motivators: attracting a new mate. It's not gender-specific; men are as likely to do this as women I think; but it's a shame that so many people aren't sufficiently interested in attracting the mate they already have.

[xxoo]

That's all true, but you left out one of the biggest motivators: attracting a new mate. It's not gender-specific; men are as likely to do this as women I think; but it's a shame that so many people aren't sufficiently interested in attracting the mate they already have.

 

Good point.

 

In some cases, though, people pack on pounds to distance themselves from their partner. Maybe she does not want him to be attracted to her.

[zlatnapolja]

That's all true, but you left out one of the biggest motivators: attracting a new mate. It's not gender-specific; men are as likely to do this as women I think; but it's a shame that so many people aren't sufficiently interested in attracting the mate they already have.

 

Yea I agree with you! I personally love to dress up for my man. I love it when he compliments me too, it makes me feel really special. If someone takes the effort to look good, it makes the other person feel special to, and obviously it makes one more attractive.

[tommyr]

I would like for love and its attendant sexual attraction to last forever and throughout all the indignities our bodies have in store for us.

 

Passive tense? Maybe for you, but I disagree. Personally, I am in control of my diet+exercise=weight.

[zlatnapolja]

Here's my situation in a nutshell:

We've been married close to 10 years.

Have 3 kids.

She's a good mother and I believe a good woman.

I love her, but not in a sexual way.

I'm just not very attracted to her.

 

I've been trying to find a way, for years now, to view her, physically, in a more positive light. I've tried ignoring the issue. I've tried pretending like it's not an issue. But, now it's getting to the point where it's just wearing me down. It's making it hard to focus. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I keep going like this because I don't want to break up the family, but it's making me miserable.

 

You know what would be ironic? If your wife happened to be one of the commenters on your topic;) Maybe she doesn't even recognize the situation, or if she thinks: hey thats a coincedence, I'm not attracted to my husband for this reason:D