I want to get out of my marriage

[uglytruth]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]when I was giving my 12th boards I was raped by my cousin the first time and I didn't tell anybody , I cut my wrist , had sleeping pills , rat kill poison , wanted to jump of the building , used to take showers in cold water in winters , used to cry , could not sleep ... but I still gathered the courage to give my boards and I passed with average marks ... after that incident the abuse got repeated on me several times till my 2nd year college ... I kept bearing it ... Then I told my parents and it got stopped .. that time my friend Kangan's maussi really helped me and she made me carry on ... but my parents never understood her love for me and I was not allowed to interact with her ... not their fault .. they felt that she was taking their daughter away and could not understand her care for me ... so I was already in a mess plus I lost my pillar of strength .. [/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]Dad then convinced me to start working to keep me busy .. he got me a job in the call center which costed me health issues and I got down with jaundice ... I left the call center and did my 3rd college regular and scored average marks ...[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]Mom was after my life to get married ... but I was not ready for it .. so she put a condition in front of me .. that either I do masters or I get married .. I did not have the percentage to get a course in Delhi so started applying outside .. and got admission in Shimla ... [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]as my bad luck would have it my cousin came to know about it and the sexual abuse took place like 4 times in my Shimla tenure ... My only escape was my books ... so I put all my energies into it and topped the university and became a gold medalist .. In my last semester exam .. I met Rohit .. fell in love with him and he took very good care of me and loved me unconditionally without any questions ...[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]We were in a relationship till 4 years .. but because of lack of commitment i decided to look ahead ... I met Rajat on 17th Dec 2009 and took an instant liking for him .. wont say it was love but I liked him and for him it was love at first sight ...[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]We got married on 12th feb 2010 and life has been mostly downs with a little high side .. .. Rajat is obsessed by me and he is a very insecure person in general .. I know he loves me like crazy ... and that is why he harms himself but his behavior is not normal .. I tried taking him to the marriage counselor once but he refused ... [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]Last year he resigned from his job , he screwed up his car because of the car accident , he dropped his blackberry in the commode because of a fight , he has no savings left and he is depressed ... [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]I really don't know what to make of this situation but I am just living each day as it comes and I have always believed that today is all I have ... I feel funny cause I feel people around me are muddled with such petty issues and making life so miserable for themselves ... they don't realize how short this life is and don't value this gift and don't let people around them do the same ... Rajat is like that ... he gets depressed and aggressive at any small issue .. like a car overtaking his car , or a shopkeeper not giving him the due change in time , his boss not taking his suggestion ..... [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]I have stopped my life for him so that I can keep him happy but he feels that I have done nothing ... [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]He does not appreciate me and does not value me .. I am his wife so it is my moral duty to take care of him and abide by his rules and regulations as he is the man of the house . [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]I am not sure if you know or not me and Rajat have had major issues in our married life and I had to break all my links with the outside world . Rajat and me are very different people . I am too fast forward for him . He comes from a very conservative upbringing .[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]He does not like me getting a call , or an sms from anyone who is a male and does not belong to my family ( family includes my blood relatives , cousins and relatives ) ... Guy friends , dads friends , brothers friends are all to be kept away ...This is the reason why I don't interact with anyone much these days ... I had changed my number , I don't have a personal e-mail id that is known to him, I don't have a facebook , twitter , LinkedIn page .I am not on the internet in anyway .[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]I know it is difficult for us to understand all this but this is how he is . I know he loves me but his love has rules and conditions ... The issues is that if you don't follow what he says he breaks things around the house and slits his wrist / break his hand ... He has got a plaster once , stitches once and we have also met with a car accident once . He is an alcoholic and he is depressive ... which is a lethal combination ... [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]I dont want to make love to him ... I always want to refuse and if we ever make love it is because he is my husband[/COLOR][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]He loves living in the past and every time there is a fight he blames me for past actions and does not want to look ahead ... He does not trust me and feels that I want other men rather than him ... I have tried everything to pacify him but he does not seem to understand . He even resigned from his job in Oct 2010 and was at home for 7 months . He got his new job on 19th Apr 2011 as a security manager . He hates his current job and wants to quit but since we have no money he is working ...[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]I even left him for a week and thought about divorce but Indian law does not support divorce so easily .. I have nothing to prove and he will not give me a divorce on mutual terms ... [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff][/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]I feel stuck but such is life[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[TigerCub]

HEY UT

 

I'm really sorry that you have gone through so much in your life.

 

I honestly don't really know what to tell you, but did you ever get therapy for all the rapes you went through in your life?

Did you ever have your cousin arrested?

 

You would like your H to go to MC and that's a good idea - you guys definitely need some help, but more importantly you need to get some help for yourself, I think that because you've gone through so much, you're resigning to the fact that life is terrible and that is that - well, it doesn't have to be.

 

With regards to your husband, fine he may love you, but he's terribly unstable and abusive - you do need to either get help together or just get out.

 

I realize that living in India makes it harder because divorce isn't that easy, but are there really no services at all that can help you?

 

What do your parents think about all this?

Do they know?

Would they be able to help you somehow?

 

I'm sorry, I don't know about Indian culture or laws in India enough to offer you a solution.

 

***HUGS***

[Alfie]

Hi honey, so sorry to hear all this, but I am not surprised or shocked about any of it. I am from a culture that is very similar to yours, and my point is I understand why you married him, I understand the rape by the cousin and why you couldn't say anything or go to the cops, I understand the controlling and angry husband and I understand why he may never agree to marriage counseling and I understand why you can't divorce him even thought you're miserable. But just because I understand doesn't mean I don't sympathize with you. You're stuck in a bad situation, but lets be honest, you're probably never gonna be able to get out so you have to try and make the best of it like you are already doing. I strongly suggest that you do NOT have any children with him any time soon. Not bc you should leave him but bc he is def not stable right now and adding the stress of a child will probably makes him more of an $$$hole. What I've seen women in my culture that are in your situation do is give him the cold shoulder. Ignore him. Withold sex as much as possible. You have to cook for him, but don't eat with him, lay on the couch, say you're depressed, sad, no appetite, he may understand or he may get more frustrated. But he will have to ask you why, then when he is desperate for answers is when he will finally listen. Tell him you love him and you want to be partners in everything, you respect him and your main goal is to make your husband happy, but you don't feel like that you're doing that. Tell him to leave you bc you are not making him happy and a husband deserves a wife that makes him happy. Thats just simply what you have to in these situations. If he has any kind of soul he will feel guilty and tell you that yes you do make him happy and hopefully apologize for treating you like dirt. He probably won't do this, but if he does, tell him that you are miserable, that you don't want to live the rest of your life like this, and he needs to change or you will run off and live with your family. Also if you haven't, I don't think you should ever mention the rape to him. He will not understand or probably blame it on you. Sad, but true. Good luck honey, I will be thinking of you.

 

TO ALL READING TIHS POST: I know all this sounds sneaky and manipulative and the easy way out of having to go to MC or make some serious changes, but seriously she has to go this low for these kind of men. Although her family and relatives may feel sorry for her, none will support her in leaving and none will get involved to try and fix the marriage. I know I should be telling her to go to therapy, work harder on getting him to MC, or that she should leave and found love and happiness elsewhere, but all of these are highly unrealistic in these cultures, and MC is probably even frowned upon if not completely non-existent.

[uglytruth]

Dear Alfie ,

 

Thank you for understanding my situation . You are very right in saying that in India , MC is not the solution and it is still in fact looked down upon . Though I live in the capital , Delhi , but still things are not so fast firward and my husband is very conservative .. Therapy is considered even worse than a divorce ....

 

My parents do understand my situation and sympathise with me and know about my horrible past as well as my marriage status .. but they are also Indian parents and live in the Indian society where a woman is treated like a piece of **** if she is separated / divorced . Thye love me and they are there for me but I also know that they wont support my decision of divorce cause they want me to try and make it work .

 

I also want to share some new dvelopment ... the guy whom i was dating before marriage , Rohit .... I got in touch with him recently and he said that he has been waiting for me and will be waiting for me ... He gave me an option of leaving this country with him and going to New Zealand .. He said that there no one will know me and I will be able to start afresh my life once again ... I dont know if I should trust him or not ...

 

I know that my husband will not leave me so easily ... and in India if you are married for like just and year .. you need one year of separation period and then you are presented before a judge and if my husband says that he does not want a divorce and wants to live with me then the process can be aslong as 6 - 7 years and maybe more ... Till that time , we have to keep going to the courst and go through the ordeal ...

 

I guess i have gone through a lot and my energies are depleting ... I have never been through therapy ... cause in India , ony crazy people go through therapy ... this is the notion ... In fact i had suggested my parents that they should put me into some therapy but they never paid heed to my plea ... maybe they were themselves not convinced ... I dont blame them cause they also have the same Indian conditioning ...

 

Sometimes I feel like just taking my life and putting all this to an end cause i dont see any hope for having a normal life ... My husband loves me .... but i dont understand his love ... He takes me as his possession and i feel like a slave ... he wants me to be just be there for him ... maybe i am not able to understand him but I really tried and I failed each time ...

Maybe he is a nice guy but i am unable to see his niceness ...

 

I need help ... before I try and do something drastic ...

I am scared of my husband and I feel that if I fight with him .. he will cut himself .. He is not open for any discussion ... He is always right and I have to agree with him ...

According to him , I only understand things when he hurts himself , and break things around the house ... I am very scared and I have already seen so much pain and hurt that seeing more blood agonises me so much that i cant ven begin to express ...

 

Please help before I go crazy ...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, what a challenge you have.

 

You've certainly done a sincere job of giving fair reasons as to why most North American remedies wouldn't be so ideal in your scenario.

 

Were you in the western world, many of us would be telling you to break through the resistance and just divorce the guy with the motivation being to get the best start on the rest of your life (after that failed marriage).

 

Despite all you've said and explained about India customs, it STILL might be the best solution. (yet of course I don't expect that you will take to those words)

 

Short of that, marriage counseling would be a sensible move for a North American couple in your shoes, yet I understand why you resist that.

 

I can't really tell if your husband is directly physically 'abusive' toward YOU, but if he isn't, then it may be wise to take your chances in letting your words and feelings be/seem more vulnerable in front of him.

 

Express MORE of your feelings, fears and concerns about your future, and perhaps that honesty will inspire him to a new level of 'connecting' with you, for the good of your shared future.

 

Once you achieve that vulnerability, perhaps you can build/repair something as a team.

 

*** I give this advice largely because of what you have explained about India customs.

[Alfie]

Dear Alfie ,

 

Thank you for understanding my situation . You are very right in saying that in India , MC is not the solution and it is still in fact looked down upon . Though I live in the capital , Delhi , but still things are not so fast firward and my husband is very conservative .. Therapy is considered even worse than a divorce ....

 

My parents do understand my situation and sympathise with me and know about my horrible past as well as my marriage status .. but they are also Indian parents and live in the Indian society where a woman is treated like a piece of **** if she is separated / divorced . Thye love me and they are there for me but I also know that they wont support my decision of divorce cause they want me to try and make it work .

 

I also want to share some new dvelopment ... the guy whom i was dating before marriage , Rohit .... I got in touch with him recently and he said that he has been waiting for me and will be waiting for me ... He gave me an option of leaving this country with him and going to New Zealand .. He said that there no one will know me and I will be able to start afresh my life once again ... I dont know if I should trust him or not ...

 

I know that my husband will not leave me so easily ... and in India if you are married for like just and year .. you need one year of separation period and then you are presented before a judge and if my husband says that he does not want a divorce and wants to live with me then the process can be aslong as 6 - 7 years and maybe more ... Till that time , we have to keep going to the courst and go through the ordeal ...

 

I guess i have gone through a lot and my energies are depleting ... I have never been through therapy ... cause in India , ony crazy people go through therapy ... this is the notion ... In fact i had suggested my parents that they should put me into some therapy but they never paid heed to my plea ... maybe they were themselves not convinced ... I dont blame them cause they also have the same Indian conditioning ...

 

Sometimes I feel like just taking my life and putting all this to an end cause i dont see any hope for having a normal life ... My husband loves me .... but i dont understand his love ... He takes me as his possession and i feel like a slave ... he wants me to be just be there for him ... maybe i am not able to understand him but I really tried and I failed each time ...

Maybe he is a nice guy but i am unable to see his niceness ...

 

I need help ... before I try and do something drastic ...

I am scared of my husband and I feel that if I fight with him .. he will cut himself .. He is not open for any discussion ... He is always right and I have to agree with him ...

According to him , I only understand things when he hurts himself , and break things around the house ... I am very scared and I have already seen so much pain and hurt that seeing more blood agonises me so much that i cant ven begin to express ...

 

Please help before I go crazy ...

 

Hi sweetie, I am sorry for the late response. Listen. Do not hurt yourself dear, he is not worth it. I think you see yourself in a hopeless situation, but there is ALWAYS hope, trust me, I know men like this, and no, none of this is your fault at all, you are not seeing his niceness bc its not there. How well do you know Rohit? Do you trust him? Is he Indian? Why is he in New Zealand? Talk to your mother about this, I know she knows your situation, but will she support you running off with him? Will this bring shame upon your family?? Keep me posted, if you want you can email me on here, Im not on very often, but maybe we can exchange personal emails afterwards. Good luck dear!

[Afishwithabike]

I really sympathize with you. That's a very, very difficult situation without any clear cut answers.

 

Your husband clearly has deep seated psychological problems. I can't imagine what it's like to live with him. You can't help someone who doesn't want help.

Is it possible for you to go to individual counseling without telling your husband or parents. Of course I don't know what good that would do since you're not the one with the problem.

 

Am I wrong in assuming you're considering the possibility of going to NZ with Rohit before a divorce? If you go with Rohit to NZ then do you think your husband would grant you a divorce? Most men wouldn't want to be with their wives if their wives left.

If you move to NZ, what would you do? Will you be able to find a job? Will you be entirely dependent on Rohit? I know from talking to Indian friends that it's not easy to emigrate to another country with an Indian passport. There has to be either family sponsorship or employer sponsorship. Without being married to Rohit, I'm surprised he would be able to take you along, but I fully admit I'm not well versed in the laws of that country.