I dumped him, now he changed for the better!

[sagirl1891]

Thanks, Graceful. You have just been so helpful because you're giving me unbiased advice (same with everyone else here!).

 

Unfortunately, I spoke to him last night on the phone. I guess it's not so unfortunate because I apologized for how everything went down (I broke up with him over the phone...obviously it was not my finest moment). I expressed to him that I was so happy for him that everything was going so well for him. Unfortunately I think we (I especially) took a few steps back in healing because he confessed to me that he still dreams about me and cares about me and stuff. He was also saying that he thought maybe in the future we would be in the same place again to be able to date...I don't even know, we both said a lot of things that were very hopeful about the future. I know it doesn't really mean anything though. I cried my eyes out because it's scary thinking that he's not a forever love, but I am still so in love with this kid that I can't think straight.

 

Today is Day 1 of my healing. I bought the Boundaries book that was recommended and I am going to go NC.

 

I would appreciate any support that anyone has to give me. I'm ready to be with me, myself and I.

 

Hi sagirl,

 

Do you want to know what I like about you? You are so receptive to the advice you have been given in this thread (and there is some awesome advice here), and you're indicating that you are sincere in your efforts to improve and like yourself again. It's amazing how many of us confirmed what your friends and family have been telling you all along, isn't it?

 

Good point about coming off the anti-depressant meds, too. You have to take that into account. You are transitioning and it's very jarring on your mind and spirit. But I was so happy to see that you really do want the best for your ex, because that means you understand that just because the two of you were not a good team or were really meant to be a "forever" couple, you still like him and see that he's a work in progress --- and so are you.

 

 

 

 

Great advice from BetterDeal and I can only echo his thoughts to put your own well-being first right now, you know what you need to do to heal and regain your healthy self, and you don't have to worry about hurting your ex in the process. Know why? Because he seems to still care for you as a friend, and if that's the case, he will understand, he really will. And even if he "slips up" and texts you once in a while, all you have to do is stay strong and ignore. Don't get ahead of yourself wondering if you can be friends at a later date, that's too far into the future to worry about, and you have more immediate concerns, if you see what I mean.

 

And I so agree with you about continuing to open old wounds and feeling like you're breaking up all over again ... which is what happens when you don't keep NC. Now that you've learned that lesson, you know what you have to do to move forward. Be patient with yourself, and don't worry if you have some bad days here and there, because overall, you're on the right track, I just know it. Don't hesitate to come back to LS for a little pep talk, okay? Take care.

[sagirl1891]

I have realized this the hard way. From now on, I am equipped with the knowledge that I can't change anyone, I can only figure out what I need/don't need in a relationship.

 

Thanks for showing me the other side to this story.

 

You can't make any one person change themselves - they need to want to do it. My girlfriend and I broke up last month on the 10th. She cheated. I was down and out for most of April... depressed, didn't eat, etc. Then I realized "Why am I doing this to myself?" and I realized that I had lost the love of my life and that she was very much a part of me.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think about her every day... but ever since then, I've started going to the gym, eating healthier, and getting into muscular shape. Sometimes it takes losing something we cherish in order to see that we need to make changes in ourselves. Without her leaving, I would've never gone to the gym. I'm glad she left me to help me realize what I want to do. However, I still wish she was with me some days.

[sagirl1891]

I bought the book. What do I do if he tries to get in communication with me?

 

Yep, you need to lose contact with him. All these false ways of communicating (Facebook, text, email &c) are dragging it out.

 

I recommend reading Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self for self-improvement.

[WiseOne1]

Hi,

 

I dumped my longterm LDR of 2 years back in August. Things needed to end: we were in two different places (he liked to smoke a lot of weed, play video games, etc) and I wasn't even that sexually attracted to him anymore because he didn't take care of himself.

 

2 months after we broke up, he had a steady hook up. This upset me. Now he's super serious with her - they went on vacation together. He and I met up and he told me that he's stopped smoking, has two jobs for the summer, and is taking better care of himself. EDITED to say that when we met up two months ago he wanted to know if I had been hooking up with anyone and that he hoped it had been recent because that would have been wrong if I had hooked up with someone right away.

 

WHY DID HE WAIT UNTIL AFTER OUR BREAKUP TO DO EVERYTHING THAT I HAD BEEN BEGGING HIM TO DO?! It's so confusing! I feel like he's rubbing it in my face. And his new girlfriend is an ugly version of me. It's very confusing.

 

I was doing so well thinking that I had made the right choice, but now I'm just confused. He has improved himself, has a new girl, and now I feel like the one who has been dumped. I feel very jealous, insecure, and lonely.

 

Can someone please help me out as to why I'm feeling this way?

 

I understand you 100%, i went through the exact same thing with my EX gf.

 

She did alot of things that weren't good for her, smoked weed, tried to commit suicide all the time, drinking all the time, and as soon as she gets with this new guy, she turns into a ANGEL.

 

She acts as if she was a SAINT, I asked her about it, and she said

"you helped me so much that I don't feel I need to do those things anymore", that alone pissed me off, forget NC, I changed my numbers and never looked back.

[betterdeal]

I bought the book. What do I do if he tries to get in communication with me?

 

You pay attention to your feelings. Not so much the intricate details at the time; rather the overall feelings you have about the encounter. You then act on that. Personally, I recommend changing phone number, deleting your Facebook account etc. Others recommend just ignoring it. You need to decide for yourself what you will do.

 

Now go out and treat yourself. Go and get a massage, have a hot bubble bath, find yoga classes, eat really well, go for walks in the sunshine, buy yourself some new clothes. Phone a friend and go bowling. You're a beautiful, kind, thoughtful, attractive young woman. Take very good care of yourself, be the woman you are and keep on keeping on. You're going to be the very best friend you will ever have. This is your awakening. This is when you journey to the centre of you. You're in charge. You're lovely. Say that to yourself 10 times a day.

[sagirl1891]

Thank you so much for your amazing suggestions. I have been very kind to myself, especially those nice affirmations that you suggested.

 

I have another question, and this may only be figured out by a therapist, but I figured I would try asking you (and any other wonderful LS person) whether you can help me out.

 

I never feel at peace with where I am and what I am doing, unless I am fully paying attention or distracted by the conversation I am having. I always feel a sense of dread wherever I am - like I could be doing something better or more productive with my time. I moved into a new apartment today, and all I could think of was - I have so much time and nothing to do! I feel so lonely and isolated.

 

I think that's a part of the reason why I haven't gotten over my ex - I feel like I need someone to enjoy life with and without it I feel empty. I know that this is a fatal flaw that I need to fix, I just don't know how to be okay with being on my own.

 

Any advice would be wonderful. Maybe I should repost this in the Coping section?

 

You pay attention to your feelings. Not so much the intricate details at the time; rather the overall feelings you have about the encounter. You then act on that. Personally, I recommend changing phone number, deleting your Facebook account etc. Others recommend just ignoring it. You need to decide for yourself what you will do.

 

Now go out and treat yourself. Go and get a massage, have a hot bubble bath, find yoga classes, eat really well, go for walks in the sunshine, buy yourself some new clothes. Phone a friend and go bowling. You're a beautiful, kind, thoughtful, attractive young woman. Take very good care of yourself, be the woman you are and keep on keeping on. You're going to be the very best friend you will ever have. This is your awakening. This is when you journey to the centre of you. You're in charge. You're lovely. Say that to yourself 10 times a day.

[betterdeal]

A therapist I saw once said, you just have to put out little feelers, like strands of cotton, connecting you to several people in a gentle way. And if something doesn't work, the thread snaps, it's okay because you have plenty more. So you do things you enjoy, and that gives you (a) something to enjoy (b) something to talk about © puts you in contact with other people.

 

I like to think of it as narratives. If you start, say, kung-fu or yoga, you create a narrative that can last years. Each time you practice you go to your edge, you improve your technique or knowledge or strength or suppleness, and every so often you make a breakthrough. Then you look back every so often and see that, 3 months, 3 years, 3 decades of practice has brought you to somewhere you could not have imagined you'd be when you started. That's a narrative. A story. Your story.

 

You can have short stories too. You can choose to engage with people a little more in each brief encounter you have with them each day. Did you notice the eye colour of the last person who served you in the store? Were they friendly? If you like you can engage just a little bit more with the next one.

 

I like doing things I can do on my own, but can also share or do with others, as well as doing things that are essentially about being with others. So I garden, cycle, yoga, read, write, walk, listen to music, watch movies, and I go for meals, give and receive massage, go to gigs and plays with friends. It's all about finding things that make you happy and doing them.

 

On that note, I am off to have a hot bath. Take care!

[headsinclouds]

Hey, I completely understand how you feel. I too broke up with an ex a few years ago because he didn't put effort into our relationship (no romance), had a crappy job and was always broke, etc. I cared for him very much but I couldn't take it anymore. Within 2 months he was also dating the ugly version of me (seriously, people used to mistake me for her ALL THE TIME and call me her name). Long story short, he fell head over heels for this lady and made all the changes in his life that I wanted him to make. Guess what? They are still together years later and totally happy. Me and my friends call it the syndrome of getting someone together for their next relationship. You guys just weren't meant to be.