I dumped him, now he changed for the better!

[sagirl1891]

Hi,

 

I dumped my longterm LDR of 2 years back in August. Things needed to end: we were in two different places (he liked to smoke a lot of weed, play video games, etc) and I wasn't even that sexually attracted to him anymore because he didn't take care of himself.

 

2 months after we broke up, he had a steady hook up. This upset me. Now he's super serious with her - they went on vacation together. He and I met up and he told me that he's stopped smoking, has two jobs for the summer, and is taking better care of himself. EDITED to say that when we met up two months ago he wanted to know if I had been hooking up with anyone and that he hoped it had been recent because that would have been wrong if I had hooked up with someone right away.

 

WHY DID HE WAIT UNTIL AFTER OUR BREAKUP TO DO EVERYTHING THAT I HAD BEEN BEGGING HIM TO DO?! It's so confusing! I feel like he's rubbing it in my face. And his new girlfriend is an ugly version of me. It's very confusing.

 

I was doing so well thinking that I had made the right choice, but now I'm just confused. He has improved himself, has a new girl, and now I feel like the one who has been dumped. I feel very jealous, insecure, and lonely.

 

Can someone please help me out as to why I'm feeling this way?

[Trimmer]

Hi,

 

I dumped my longterm LDR of 2 years back in August. Things needed to end: we were in two different places (he liked to smoke a lot of weed, play video games, etc) and I wasn't even that sexually attracted to him anymore because he didn't take care of himself.

 

2 months after we broke up, he had a steady hook up. This upset me. Now he's super serious with her - they went on vacation together. He and I met up and he told me that he's stopped smoking, has two jobs for the summer, and is taking better care of himself. EDITED to say that when we met up two months ago he wanted to know if I had been hooking up with anyone and that he hoped it had been recent because that would have been wrong if I had hooked up with someone right away.

 

WHY DID HE WAIT UNTIL AFTER OUR BREAKUP TO DO EVERYTHING THAT I HAD BEEN BEGGING HIM TO DO?! It's so confusing! I feel like he's rubbing it in my face. And his new girlfriend is an ugly version of me. It's very confusing.

 

I was doing so well thinking that I had made the right choice, but now I'm just confused. He has improved himself, has a new girl, and now I feel like the one who has been dumped. I feel very jealous, insecure, and lonely.

 

Can someone please help me out as to why I'm feeling this way?

What did you expect would be the result of dumping him?

 

(a) you would actually dump him, and move on with your life because he was not right for you, or

 

(b) you expected his being dumped to change him for the better, for your benefit (i.e. so he would come back to you)?

 

If (a), it doesn't sound like you moved on very well.

 

If (b), what would make you think that he would come back to you - regardless of whether he became a better person - after you dumped him?

 

 

So, to get to your actual question, why are you feeling this way...

 

If you had truly left the relationship and moved on emotionally, then his current actions wouldn't have any effect on you - you would be indifferent. There must be some kind of connection then, something that keeps you emotionally tied to the relationship, or your image or fantasy of it.

 

Maybe you interpret "who he was" while in the relationship with you as a reflection of your value, your worth. Now that he is out, and with someone else, and has improved himself, you are interpreting that to mean that he places more value on his current partner than he did on you, and that is confusing, and possibly generates some fear, which of course would get played out as anger.

 

It even brings up a denial form of a defense mechanism: "she is an ugly version of me..." Since you are interpreting that he has placed a high value on her (and, by implication, a lower value on you), you are fighting against this by throwing mud in an attempt to lower her value in your own mind to bring things back into balance.

 

So that's why it's "confusing" - you want to see yourself as having high value - of course, we all do! And you stood up for that when you dumped him, because you believed you deserved better, whether from him or someone else, and in the state he was in, he wasn't reflecting back to you the value that you believed you offered.

 

But then, once you cut him loose, and he increased his value, it became the obvious time for him to come back and revalidate you at that higher level of worth. But instead, he zoomed right past, picked someone else instead of you, and left you wondering "now how will I figure out what I'm worth?"

 

I don't know - hard to tell from just a short internet posting, but that's just a possibility. Maybe I'm off...

[betterdeal]

You're upset because you're not taking your own advice i.e. become a healthier, happier person. So become a healthier, happier person and you won't be upset by some other people being happy and healthy.

[guccimane99]

Common case of not knowing what you got until its gone. At least u noticed he changed for the better. I am sorry but if u really loved this guy like every girl says i love him but were right well if u love someone you have to love them for his faults too. So maybe he was not the best but you should have told him what his faults were and told him to change and if you did good for you.

[rayne05us]

Well, maybe it's as simple as you weren't the right girl for him. When you find the right person, alot of times it motivates you to become the best version of yourself.

[sagirl1891]

Common case of not knowing what you got until its gone. At least u noticed he changed for the better. I am sorry but if u really loved this guy like every girl says i love him but were right well if u love someone you have to love them for his faults too. So maybe he was not the best but you should have told him what his faults were and told him to change and if you did good for you.

 

I really tried to accept him absolutely, even though he did smoke weed literally every hour on the hour. I tried to understand why he did it, I tried to do it with him (didn't like it), and I tried to explain to him why I didn't like it (he smelled like ash, couldn't really communicate well). Trust me, I did everything I could to express how I thought it was a problem before I cut him loose. This was not a rash decision.

[sagirl1891]

And his new girlfriend is an ugly version of me. It's very confusing.

 

You sound like a bitch. Its probably your attitude why he didnt want to change for you.

 

So if I didn't mention that his new girl looked like me, would I still be a bitch?

[sagirl1891]

Well, maybe it's as simple as you weren't the right girl for him. When you find the right person, alot of times it motivates you to become the best version of yourself.

 

Thank you. As much as this hurts to hear, I appreciate your honest response.

[sagirl1891]

What did you expect would be the result of dumping him?

 

(a) you would actually dump him, and move on with your life because he was not right for you, or

 

(b) you expected his being dumped to change him for the better, for your benefit (i.e. so he would come back to you)?

 

If (a), it doesn't sound like you moved on very well.

 

If (b), what would make you think that he would come back to you - regardless of whether he became a better person - after you dumped him?

 

 

So, to get to your actual question, why are you feeling this way...

 

If you had truly left the relationship and moved on emotionally, then his current actions wouldn't have any effect on you - you would be indifferent. There must be some kind of connection then, something that keeps you emotionally tied to the relationship, or your image or fantasy of it.

 

Maybe you interpret "who he was" while in the relationship with you as a reflection of your value, your worth. Now that he is out, and with someone else, and has improved himself, you are interpreting that to mean that he places more value on his current partner than he did on you, and that is confusing, and possibly generates some fear, which of course would get played out as anger.

 

It even brings up a denial form of a defense mechanism: "she is an ugly version of me..." Since you are interpreting that he has placed a high value on her (and, by implication, a lower value on you), you are fighting against this by throwing mud in an attempt to lower her value in your own mind to bring things back into balance.

 

So that's why it's "confusing" - you want to see yourself as having high value - of course, we all do! And you stood up for that when you dumped him, because you believed you deserved better, whether from him or someone else, and in the state he was in, he wasn't reflecting back to you the value that you believed you offered.

 

But then, once you cut him loose, and he increased his value, it became the obvious time for him to come back and revalidate you at that higher level of worth. But instead, he zoomed right past, picked someone else instead of you, and left you wondering "now how will I figure out what I'm worth?"

 

I don't know - hard to tell from just a short internet posting, but that's just a possibility. Maybe I'm off...

 

When I dumped him, I felt like I had moved on. I felt like I had done the right thing, and I was surrounded by people who agreed with my decision and helped me through. I'm in a transition period right now and I'm not busy, (and I'm sort of OCD), so I think I'm just obsessing over it, and I know that's not healthy. Trust me, I expected to be over him. There is no way we would ever end up married or anything. My family really dislikes him and how he treated me, and I just can't see it working out.

 

I wish I hadn't written the whole thing about his girlfriend being an ugly version of me. That wasn't really the point as to why I'm upset. I think it's fair for him to have moved on to someone else - I dumped him, his heart was broken, but I mean, my heart was broken too. I really loved him and it was a hard decision, but I felt like it needed to happen.

 

Now I don't know what to do to move on. I feel like I've just broken up with him all over again and I'm in that period of mourning. Any advice would be great. You've been very very helpful and honest and I appreciate that. Thank you.

[vsmini]

Trimmer has it spot on.

 

We always assume when they are with someone new and have a few things going for them that now they are perfect. Like we saddled them up and some other girl gets to ride them.

 

I learned from some of my crappy behavior in my last relationship and now apply myself and my updated attitude to my current relationship and it's better - living and learning. So I guess my ex could be frustrated with me because now I'm some "better" person. It seems a bit unjust but that's how the world works. Part of learning from our mistakes involves other people. It sucks to think of our past relationships as test-subjects but that's what it boils down to. Just focus on yourself and what you need to do to be a better person and be in a better relationship.

[vsmini]

Also - you mentioned that it felt like you broke up with him all over again once you had talked to him and opened up that emotional wound.

 

Yet another reason why it's best to not catch up with your ex or keep much personal communication open.

[sagirl1891]

Also - you mentioned that it felt like you broke up with him all over again once you had talked to him and opened up that emotional wound.

 

Yet another reason why it's best to not catch up with your ex or keep much personal communication open.

 

Thank you thank you thank you for your two posts. You are so honest and helpful!!!

[vsmini]

Thank you thank you thank you for your two posts. You are so honest and helpful!!!

 

Yea I struggle with the thought of not keeping contact with my last ex. It's been a long time since the break up (9 months) and a part of me wants to be the person that can just meet up with him and be all calm cool and collected but I'm not there yet and even when I am there...backsliding into bad emotions is always a possibility.

 

So he can think I'm "mean and immature" all he wants. I'm not up for emotional backslide because I'm the one that has to deal with the aftermath of my feelings after a quick coffee break with him....not him.

[guccimane99]

I really tried to accept him absolutely, even though he did smoke weed literally every hour on the hour. I tried to understand why he did it, I tried to do it with him (didn't like it), and I tried to explain to him why I didn't like it (he smelled like ash, couldn't really communicate well). Trust me, I did everything I could to express how I thought it was a problem before I cut him loose. This was not a rash decision.

 

I had an ex girlfriend who did alot of things i did not like. She drank every weekend and she smoked to, but i accepted that as a part of who she was. If she wanted to do that then she could do it. It was not my part to try and change who she was but accept her and tell her i do not like it and could you try and not do it while im around. I will admit i was a little bit of a pushover but i realize if you really care or even love them you have to accept them for their faults to. I can understand the weed thing but our generation alot of people smoke pot. Just do everyone a favor and always be honest im an honest person and i wish there were more honest people out there. When your honest with someone thats all you can do because your not hiding everything and when you look back you can say i did my best and i was at least honest the whole time.

[Graceful]

sagirl,

 

It sounds like the relationship had run its course. Someone had to pull the plug and it turned out to be you. It was going to happen, nothing could have prevented it, and it was just a matter of time.

 

You were both in a rut, from the sound of it. If you find you have to nag someone or spend a lot of time "overlooking" their issues or habits, then that's not fair to you or to the person. We take the good with the bad, no one is perfect, and all those other cliches, but in the long run, the good has to outweigh the "not so good" and if you do not see a future with someone, then what's the point? And if you are in a LDR, and neither person is willing to do what it takes to continue to push the relationship to the next level, how long are you going to wait?

 

This ship has sailed. Just b/c he made some changes for another person doesn't mean, and shouldn't mean, a thing to you, other than to wish him well.

 

One thing I have rarely (if ever, for that matter) heard on the LS board is the concept of someone bringing out the best in you -- and in turn, you in the other person. That is what good, functioning, loving, healthy, worthwhile relationships do. That is what makes a relationship work, because the two people "get" each other and want to make the other person happy and proud, not constantly put them to a test of wills and stubbornness.

 

So don't compare what he's doing now to what he did with you. You and he were in a rut, and it wasn't working. What you have to understand is that he would not have made these changes with you, but that doesn't have anything to do with you ... it has to do with the fact that the two of you did not work well as a team. And perhaps the fact you broke up with him made him grow up, who knows? That's to his credit. But you know, you and he would be in the same rut if you were still together .. that's the writing on the wall.

 

And last but by no means least, this is why NC is recommended. It only hurts to keep in touch. Would you be "happier" if he were failing right now? Because that would be a shortcoming on your part, IMHO. Why should he fail just so you can feel good about breaking up with him?

 

And you broke up with him because you weren't feelin' it, you know? If you really tried to picture yourself back with him, I'll bet that you would see soon enough in that "vision" that the two of you still would not function well as a team. And that's the truth.

 

And you already seemed to have figured this out in your subsequent posts, but don't say anything critical about his new GF. Just makes *you* sound nasty and bitter, and I don't think that's what you want, is it? Be gracious and keep those thoughts to yourself, and better still, let them go. Take care.

 

Hi,

 

I dumped my longterm LDR of 2 years back in August. Things needed to end: we were in two different places (he liked to smoke a lot of weed, play video games, etc) and I wasn't even that sexually attracted to him anymore because he didn't take care of himself.

 

2 months after we broke up, he had a steady hook up. This upset me. Now he's super serious with her - they went on vacation together. He and I met up and he told me that he's stopped smoking, has two jobs for the summer, and is taking better care of himself. EDITED to say that when we met up two months ago he wanted to know if I had been hooking up with anyone and that he hoped it had been recent because that would have been wrong if I had hooked up with someone right away.

 

WHY DID HE WAIT UNTIL AFTER OUR BREAKUP TO DO EVERYTHING THAT I HAD BEEN BEGGING HIM TO DO?! It's so confusing! I feel like he's rubbing it in my face. And his new girlfriend is an ugly version of me. It's very confusing.

 

I was doing so well thinking that I had made the right choice, but now I'm just confused. He has improved himself, has a new girl, and now I feel like the one who has been dumped. I feel very jealous, insecure, and lonely.

 

Can someone please help me out as to why I'm feeling this way?

[Strength of Heart]

Some people know how to learn and grow from the failure of a relationship, some people need that. I am one of those people, I used to be a co-dependent and am now recovering from it. My co-dependency affected my relationshiop a lot and after I got dumped the first thing I made sure to do was go and get myself some counseling, self help books, a lot of internet researching and doing anything I could to change for the better so my future relationships weren't the same way. My ex was the one that dumped me, but she also played the victim and didn't even take the time to look at her own problems, if anything she has regressed as a person (She had more severe problems than I did).

[sagirl1891]

Graceful,

 

I am so incredibly grateful that you responded to my post. Your insight has been eye opening, and so helpful!!!

 

It is true. The relationship was falling apart. Long distance, troublesome issues/habits, and the fact that none of my friends/family liked him should have been a sign to me. I know that he is a great person, and we definitely had a connection, but it was not strong enough to last as long as I had hoped.

 

I am currently coming off of antidepressant meds, and I have a feeling that this is contributing to my sadness. If I logically know that we are not meant to be, why would I still be sad 9 months later? Especially when he's happy, and he should be happy!!! I want him to be happy. I am not trying to be spiteful in any way.

 

He has worked hard ever since we have broken up, to stay friends. It has probably hurt him a lot, so I give him credit for wanting to be nice and stay friends. He had texted me wanting to meet up in the city and hang out, and I denied doing more than coffee because I didn't want to open up old wounds.

 

Now I told him I don't think I can be friends with him right now because it is too painful (especially since he has a new girl0. He was so incredibly sweet about it that I feel bad...he insisted that he wasn't dating this girl and that he didn't want/have a girlfriend but he respected my wishes. He then said (which breaks my heart) "can you let me know when you want to be friends again please?" He wanted to know if there was something he could do to make me change my mind. I said that I needed to take some time to myself to figure things out. I don't want him to change anything about himself - he should be able to do whatever he wants! It's just hard because I don't think staying in contact is a good idea, while he seems to like texting every now and then.

 

I don't know what to do, because either way someone gets hurt.

 

sagirl,

 

It sounds like the relationship had run its course. Someone had to pull the plug and it turned out to be you. It was going to happen, nothing could have prevented it, and it was just a matter of time.

 

You were both in a rut, from the sound of it. If you find you have to nag someone or spend a lot of time "overlooking" their issues or habits, then that's not fair to you or to the person. We take the good with the bad, no one is perfect, and all those other cliches, but in the long run, the good has to outweigh the "not so good" and if you do not see a future with someone, then what's the point? And if you are in a LDR, and neither person is willing to do what it takes to continue to push the relationship to the next level, how long are you going to wait?

 

This ship has sailed. Just b/c he made some changes for another person doesn't mean, and shouldn't mean, a thing to you, other than to wish him well.

 

One thing I have rarely (if ever, for that matter) heard on the LS board is the concept of someone bringing out the best in you -- and in turn, you in the other person. That is what good, functioning, loving, healthy, worthwhile relationships do. That is what makes a relationship work, because the two people "get" each other and want to make the other person happy and proud, not constantly put them to a test of wills and stubbornness.

 

So don't compare what he's doing now to what he did with you. You and he were in a rut, and it wasn't working. What you have to understand is that he would not have made these changes with you, but that doesn't have anything to do with you ... it has to do with the fact that the two of you did not work well as a team. And perhaps the fact you broke up with him made him grow up, who knows? That's to his credit. But you know, you and he would be in the same rut if you were still together .. that's the writing on the wall.

 

And last but by no means least, this is why NC is recommended. It only hurts to keep in touch. Would you be "happier" if he were failing right now? Because that would be a shortcoming on your part, IMHO. Why should he fail just so you can feel good about breaking up with him?

 

And you broke up with him because you weren't feelin' it, you know? If you really tried to picture yourself back with him, I'll bet that you would see soon enough in that "vision" that the two of you still would not function well as a team. And that's the truth.

 

And you already seemed to have figured this out in your subsequent posts, but don't say anything critical about his new GF. Just makes *you* sound nasty and bitter, and I don't think that's what you want, is it? Be gracious and keep those thoughts to yourself, and better still, let them go. Take care.

[sagirl1891]

My dad alerted me to the fact that my relationship with my ex was co-dependency. Can you recommend any books on the subject? I would love to work on myself and fix myself while I have this time to myself.

 

Some people know how to learn and grow from the failure of a relationship, some people need that. I am one of those people, I used to be a co-dependent and am now recovering from it. My co-dependency affected my relationshiop a lot and after I got dumped the first thing I made sure to do was go and get myself some counseling, self help books, a lot of internet researching and doing anything I could to change for the better so my future relationships weren't the same way. My ex was the one that dumped me, but she also played the victim and didn't even take the time to look at her own problems, if anything she has regressed as a person (She had more severe problems than I did).

[betterdeal]

I don't know what to do, because either way someone gets hurt.

 

Tell him to stop texting you. "Stop texting me" is a clear way to say that.

 

Read what no contact is about. The sooner you do it, the sooner you will get over this hill. Whether or not you end up being friends depends (and this is crucial) on you two not being friends for some time. You need to enter into friendship without grudges or open wounds. If it happens, it happens, but it is not crucial that you know each other. What is crucial is that you feel good, you feel self-confident, you are happy. What you have right now is life in limbo, and no-one is happy living in limbo.

 

Let go.

[sagirl1891]

I should go NC even though I was the one who broke up with him? I feel like I'm breaking up all over again. But you're probably right. I need to heal me, and I've been crying everyday.

 

Tell him to stop texting you. "Stop texting me" is a clear way to say that.

 

Read what no contact is about. The sooner you do it, the sooner you will get over this hill. Whether or not you end up being friends depends (and this is crucial) on you two not being friends for some time. You need to enter into friendship without grudges or open wounds. If it happens, it happens, but it is not crucial that you know each other. What is crucial is that you feel good, you feel self-confident, you are happy. What you have right now is life in limbo, and no-one is happy living in limbo.

 

Let go.

[betterdeal]

Yep, you need to lose contact with him. All these false ways of communicating (Facebook, text, email &c) are dragging it out.

 

I recommend reading Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self for self-improvement.

[sagirl1891]

It has finally gotten through to me that this is what I need. Thank you so much!!!

 

Yep, you need to lose contact with him. All these false ways of communicating (Facebook, text, email &c) are dragging it out.

 

I recommend reading Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self for self-improvement.

[betterdeal]

You're welcome!

[Graceful]

Hi sagirl,

 

Do you want to know what I like about you? You are so receptive to the advice you have been given in this thread (and there is some awesome advice here), and you're indicating that you are sincere in your efforts to improve and like yourself again. It's amazing how many of us confirmed what your friends and family have been telling you all along, isn't it?

 

Good point about coming off the anti-depressant meds, too. You have to take that into account. You are transitioning and it's very jarring on your mind and spirit. But I was so happy to see that you really do want the best for your ex, because that means you understand that just because the two of you were not a good team or were really meant to be a "forever" couple, you still like him and see that he's a work in progress --- and so are you.

 

 

Graceful,

 

I am so incredibly grateful that you responded to my post. Your insight has been eye opening, and so helpful!!!

 

It is true. The relationship was falling apart. Long distance, troublesome issues/habits, and the fact that none of my friends/family liked him should have been a sign to me. I know that he is a great person, and we definitely had a connection, but it was not strong enough to last as long as I had hoped.

 

Now I told him I don't think I can be friends with him right now because it is too painful (especially since he has a new girl0. He was so incredibly sweet about it that I feel bad...he insisted that he wasn't dating this girl and that he didn't want/have a girlfriend but he respected my wishes. He then said (which breaks my heart) "can you let me know when you want to be friends again please?" He wanted to know if there was something he could do to make me change my mind. I said that I needed to take some time to myself to figure things out. I don't know what to do, because either way someone gets hurt.

Great advice from BetterDeal and I can only echo his thoughts to put your own well-being first right now, you know what you need to do to heal and regain your healthy self, and you don't have to worry about hurting your ex in the process. Know why? Because he seems to still care for you as a friend, and if that's the case, he will understand, he really will. And even if he "slips up" and texts you once in a while, all you have to do is stay strong and ignore. Don't get ahead of yourself wondering if you can be friends at a later date, that's too far into the future to worry about, and you have more immediate concerns, if you see what I mean.

 

And I so agree with you about continuing to open old wounds and feeling like you're breaking up all over again ... which is what happens when you don't keep NC. Now that you've learned that lesson, you know what you have to do to move forward. Be patient with yourself, and don't worry if you have some bad days here and there, because overall, you're on the right track, I just know it. Don't hesitate to come back to LS for a little pep talk, okay? Take care.

[cdeyoung]

You can't make any one person change themselves - they need to want to do it. My girlfriend and I broke up last month on the 10th. She cheated. I was down and out for most of April... depressed, didn't eat, etc. Then I realized "Why am I doing this to myself?" and I realized that I had lost the love of my life and that she was very much a part of me.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think about her every day... but ever since then, I've started going to the gym, eating healthier, and getting into muscular shape. Sometimes it takes losing something we cherish in order to see that we need to make changes in ourselves. Without her leaving, I would've never gone to the gym. I'm glad she left me to help me realize what I want to do. However, I still wish she was with me some days.