friends, relatives, facebook, manners. I'm annoyed.

[jens]

Okay, I have an issue, and I honestly don't know if the problem is me or if people are just generally this way (even though I'm not nor do I think people should be this way)

 

Isn't it true that if people don't reply to your call or email then most likely they don't think too highly of you? I have a couple people who do reply to me within 24 hours (48max occasionally), but then there are also a people lately who totally ignored me altogether.

 

The people are my aunt, 2 old friends who I haven't spoken with in 4-5 months, and another friend who I invited somewhere a few days back n still haven't heard anything from her. Oh, and also another friend who just dropped off the face of the earth; One week we were suppose to have lunch and then never heard from her again!

 

I honestly don't think my aunt likes me much.

 

I've known those two friends for ten years (college friends) who I've kept in touch with throughout the years. They've BOTH actually ignored me in the past. Then finally they'll get around to contacting me, and I reply right away. Then they don't reply to that reply even though I asked a question. You know, it was like we were in mid-conversation and poof! I get the feeling they've gotten to a point where I'm inconsequential and irrelevant to them. I feel like I shouldn't have replied right away to them all these times that I did. It must not be a coincidence that this happened with both of them.

 

This other friend is moreso a new friend. Well, we've known each other a few years and started getting closer 4 months or so ago.

 

What is it with people! It's really annoying. Yes, everyone has stuff going on in our lives and sometimes we can't reply right away, but at this point I'm ready to make some changes in my life. I really don't want a collection of people in my world (esp facebook!) who aren't sincerely my friend.

 

I feel like putting up with mediocre crap from people is preventing me from forming more sincere friendships. So, after mulling over it for at least a year, I finally deleted those two old friends off of my facebook page. I immediately felt better. Facebook isn't the end all be all, (and I even emailed them through my regular email address, not facebook).

 

The other girl, I was hoping things would go better, but she seems flaky.

 

I just want to be surrounded by really supportive RESPONSIVE people in my life. Why does that seem like too much to ask for!

 

Regarding my aunt and other relatives too, I feel like it was a big mistake adding them on facebook because it seems like they are more passive towards me now than they were before!

 

Facebook seems like it makes relationships different in a bad way with some people. (Of course, there are other relationships strengthened by it.)

 

Overall, regarding getting ignored, I'm the common denominator in these examples. So, obviously the problem is probably more me. I've probably not been 'snobby' enough towards people. Maybe I come across too nice or something. Friendship should be two-way, and I can never seem to get it right. It's very frustrating. I wish I have friends who are REALLY there for me.

[Taramere]

Okay, I have an issue, and I honestly don't know if the problem is me or if people are just generally this way (even though I'm not nor do I think people should be this way)

 

Isn't it true that if people don't reply to your call or email then most likely they don't think too highly of you? I have a couple people who do reply to me within 24 hours (48max occasionally), but then there are also a people lately who totally ignored me altogether.

 

The people are my aunt, 2 old friends who I haven't spoken with in 4-5 months, and another friend who I invited somewhere a few days back n still haven't heard anything from her. Oh, and also another friend who just dropped off the face of the earth; One week we were suppose to have lunch and then never heard from her again!

 

I honestly don't think my aunt likes me much.

 

I've known those two friends for ten years (college friends) who I've kept in touch with throughout the years. They've BOTH actually ignored me in the past. Then finally they'll get around to contacting me, and I reply right away. Then they don't reply to that reply even though I asked a question. You know, it was like we were in mid-conversation and poof! I get the feeling they've gotten to a point where I'm inconsequential and irrelevant to them. I feel like I shouldn't have replied right away to them all these times that I did. It must not be a coincidence that this happened with both of them.

 

This other friend is moreso a new friend. Well, we've known each other a few years and started getting closer 4 months or so ago.

 

What is it with people! It's really annoying. Yes, everyone has stuff going on in our lives and sometimes we can't reply right away, but at this point I'm ready to make some changes in my life. I really don't want a collection of people in my world (esp facebook!) who aren't sincerely my friend.

 

What you're describing reminds me of ways I often felt in my teens and twenties. The feeling of "damn it - I needed a friend and you weren't there for me". isn't pleasant feeling...but everybody gets those moments sometimes. When friends aren't there for them. They're often opportunities for personal growth.

 

A few times, possibly because I'm a bit less concerned and "emotionally giving" than I used to be, I've found myself deleted from other people's friends lists. I really do just think "somebody's throwing a hissy one" and shrug it off. If they can't be bothered telling me what's bothering them, I certainly can't be bothered chasing them to find out. I think with Facebook it can be as simple as not having logged in for a few days and therefore missing somebody's important "update" and failing to respond with "like" or some caring message on their wall.

 

I must admit that I don't nurture friendships in the way that I once did, and it's mainly because over time I've learned that it's just a fact of life that however much you put into some relationships you don't necessarily get much back. So you have to develop a slightly ruthless side that is able to use these "nobody cares/nobody seems to like me right now" times to throw yourself into various challenges and projects.

 

Whether it's increasing your personal fitness, taking up a new sport or getting back to an old one, learning new skills/a new language or embarking on a creative project - writing, music, art, jewellery making or whatever else takes your fancy. Learn to rely less on the people in your life to validate you when you're feeling low...but if you start taking the drastic step of cutting people out of your life every time they fail to meet your ideals of friendship, I think you'll develop a reputation as a difficult drama queen who should be avoided.

 

It's not my intention to sound unkind, but I'm trying to give you a view of how I think perfectly reasonable people would be liable to perceive the type of "cut them all out" hissy fit you're contemplating throwing here. Just to add (because some of the behaviour you've described here is pretty off) if you've arranged lunch with somebody who's flaked on you in the past, you should probably make sure you've arranged a specific time, date and place. If they don't show up, then yes you've every reason to be pissed off and to decide you're not going to waste time making future dates with them. I'd still say, though, that deleting people from your facebook wall is an ostentatiously "burning your bridges" measure best avoided unless there's been a really bad falling out.

Edited May 28, 2011 by Taramere

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[jens]

Thanks Taramere. I get what you're saying, especially in regards to becoming a little more ruthless and also getting more involved in my own life projects/adventures and such.

 

Those two old friends really had been crappy friends. I think all along I read too much into their friendship by expecting more than they were ever interested in giving. A lot of my self growth right now is coming from letting go of that. Deleting them off of my pretty inactive facebook page isn't "burning the bridge". It can be looked at as I don't really owe people explanations for why I'm not active on facebook anymore. Those friends are certainly free to call me or email me, but given that I've unanswered emails and calls already, I doubt they're going to even notice I'm not there anymore. So, it's not a hissy fit at all. It's the self growth that I've needed for a while.

 

Beautifully and as an answer from the universe, I happened to connect with some pretty amazing people who appeared in my life on the VERY day I deleted those girls. I had a strong instinct that making way for new beginnings had to begin with acceptance/action/growth. I'm so happy.

 

Thanks again for your reply! Much appreciated!

peace,

jens

[Taramere]

Thanks Taramere. I get what you're saying, especially in regards to becoming a little more ruthless and also getting more involved in my own life projects/adventures and such.

 

Those two old friends really had been crappy friends. I think all along I read too much into their friendship by expecting more than they were ever interested in giving. A lot of my self growth right now is coming from letting go of that. Deleting them off of my pretty inactive facebook page isn't "burning the bridge". It can be looked at as I don't really owe people explanations for why I'm not active on facebook anymore. Those friends are certainly free to call me or email me, but given that I've unanswered emails and calls already, I doubt they're going to even notice I'm not there anymore. So, it's not a hissy fit at all. It's the self growth that I've needed for a while.

 

Beautifully and as an answer from the universe, I happened to connect with some pretty amazing people who appeared in my life on the VERY day I deleted those girls. I had a strong instinct that making way for new beginnings had to begin with acceptance/action/growth. I'm so happy.

 

Thanks again for your reply! Much appreciated!

peace,

jens

 

 

You're welcome, and I'm glad to hear you're moving on from it happily. Maybe the Facebook deletion was something you needed to do. Sometimes when people leave your life - whether in a dramatic exit, or just by fading away, it can be a real spark for positive change....and it sounds as though that's the case for you.

[Teknoe]

Interesting timing... today hung out with an old college buddy I hadn't seen in about 10 months.

 

He emailed me after our hang-out that he really enjoyed our time together. Before you jump to conclusions, we're two healthy straight male friends.

 

A true friend is rare, indeed.

 

Some people come into your life for a season, a snapshot... others are there throughout the seasons. Trouble comes when you mix up seasonal folks with lifetime expectations.