Aftermath of expressing feelings to a co-worker!

[Runforthehills]

Hi there

 

Some advice needed please.

 

I have made a bit of an ar$e of myself this week by telling a co-worker that I had feelings for her.

 

We've been working together for about a year. For about 4 months we have been working closely and for about the past week I had feelings for her!

 

She helped me through a difficult patch last week with my relationship. She took me out for a drink and discussed my possible options. She was really helpful and I appreciated the attention she gave me. That lead to my desire for her company on a more than friends basis!

 

For a while we both have enjoyed a bit of a flirt with each other so there appears (or appeared) to be some sexual chemistry there. The body language, the signals and the mimicked behaviour all seemed to make me feel really comfortable with her. Aside from that, we have (or had) a very good professional relationship.

 

I took it upon myself to be straight with her. My hormones and emotional stress got the better of me and I would call it an irrational move to make my feelings known to her; although I did really like her and still do to a certain extent.

 

She texted her rejection back to me (my 'proposition', which was clean, was on voicemail) and she was very stern in her response stating that she 'absolutely did not have the same feelings' and that I needed to 'sort my problems out'. She effectively turned from samaritan to executioner in the space of 2 hours because of what I said!

 

She is now really bitter towards me and appears to resent me. It is as if she has taken this whole episode much worse that I have. Why would she behave this way? I seem to be over the rejection to a large extent but i'm sad that I have upset her and that we are not the same in terms of colleagues and friends. I just want to be where we were two weeks ago. I did apologise the day after the event but all I got was a slight grunt of an acknowledgement.

 

What to do! Will this just take time to heal or have I annoyed her for good? What does her bitterness represent?

 

Thanks

 

Stephen

[WTRanger]

She's not bitter, she's in shock. She simply saw you as a friend and a friend only, so now she thinks that your entire past actions were simply to get into her pants. Not saying it in that way, but that's what's going through her mind. Another nice guy buttering her up just to get busy. She also texted you back because it's easier to be a bitch through text. It's a lot harder to do it in person.

 

I've been on both sides of the friends with feelings. When that gets dumped onto you, you are blindsided. What she said may seem harsh, but in a few months you'll be thankful she slammed the door closed so hard. She's killed any hope, and that's the best way for you to move on.

 

You did what you had to do. You took a risk and be proud of yourself for that. Sure, it didn't exactly turn out the way you hoped but you did what you thought was best. Many guys would never take that risk, but you stepped up. You'll win some, you'll lose some but at least you got into the field and gave it a shot.

 

Keep your head up man. Just be civil at work, talk about work issues only, then leave her be. Don't pursue her, don't be friends, nothing.

[Runforthehills]

Thanks for that. I guess if I had have said nothing, I would still have feelings for her now and things could have gotten out of hand. At least there is control of the situation now. I'm just really sad that I have hurt her feelings. My intentions were never to get laid by her, momentarily I wanted more than that so my aim wasn't only sexually motivated. I guess she may not see it that way.

[WTRanger]

Thanks for that. I guess if I had have said nothing, I would still have feelings for her now and things could have gotten out of hand. At least there is control of the situation now. I'm just really sad that I have hurt her feelings. My intentions were never to get laid by her, momentarily I wanted more than that so my aim wasn't only sexually motivated. I guess she may not see it that way.

 

You you go for committed sexless relationships? BS! Why were you attracted to her? Sexuality and physical appearance play big roles in how we develop feelings. We're sexual creatures, don't repress that. Admit it. Sex with her crossed your mind at least 150 times a day.

 

What exactly did you say to her? It seems to hit a chord with her.

 

She probably thought all of your problems were simply a ruse to get close to her, then get into the relationship which in turn made the friendship a ruse. Next time, flip those two around. Do not let closeness in someone helping you through a rough time be confused as real romantic feelings. They look and feel the same, but are different. I know I've mixed those two up before and ended up exactly in your same situation.

 

Stop playing the "Nice Guy" role. You shouldn't be upset that you may have hurt her feelings. You did what you thought was best for YOU. That's all that matters in this world and that's not selfish. You need to be happy yourself first and foremost, and to crap with how that affects other people. You don't need to apologize for anything. You said what was on your heart, she didn't see you the same way, and that's the end of that chapter.

[Runforthehills]

I said that I was scared to tell her how I felt about her as I didn't want to ruin our freindship and working relationship. She replied that she did not feel the same way (and in quite a vociferous way too!). What confuses me is that I did not tell her exactly how I felt but yet she still responded in the way she did.

 

Basically, I cocked up big style and should have just sussed out her feelings first! Hey ho, lesson for the future eh? But I am a Gemini and I say things straight from the heart, sometimes to my detriment.

 

Yes sex did cross my mind a lot although she is quite a cold Virgoan. But I saw her as much more than that. She's not cheap. She was someone I wanted for the long haul. Obviously not now!

 

I could be in denial but I wonder if she is, being a virgo trait and all that! She doesn't despise me otherwise we wouldn't be talking.

 

Thanks again!

[Runforthehills]

I'm struggling to work this girl out now. She will be fine with me at work (thank god), all smiles and ok with talking to me, although in a group she will give others much more attention than me, which I guess is understandable.

 

However, we were in a social situation the other evening and she just did not want to know me...it was like I didn't exist.

 

Ok she may be embarrased but my take is that she has a problem with someone wanting to get close to her. She made it clear she wasn't interested but come one, just be a bit civil in social situations...jesus! It was embarrasing.

 

I'm glad I'm not involved with her now as she is one complicated person! I don't know why I fell for her in the first place!

 

Observations appreciated!

[WTRanger]

She's doing this as to avoid giving you mixed signals, so you don't get the wrong impression about what she said versus what she's doing. She's civil at work as to not stir the pot and possibly lose her (or your) job. Once work is done, or there is a group, she has no interest in stringing you along.

 

Maybe you telling her your feelings really struck a sour note in her mind. It sounds as if she really was taken aback by that. Either way, over analyzing everything she's doing isn't going to help you. Just accept it ans continue to move on.

[Runforthehills]

Thanks again.

 

It appears that she asks after me at work when I am not around!

 

I think there is more going on here than meets the eye.

 

I'm going to start playing the sexual tension game. If it works great, if not hey ho. Originally thought of her as much more than a sexual event but I think there could be some fun to be had here now instead!

 

But I know I need to be careful in a professional working environment!

 

This could be great or it could go horribly wrong!

[Sarang]

I was in a very similar situation, Run. I was rejected. Initially this woman and I began studying together (We're adults; we're not college kids. We were studying languages. She is from another country).

 

If I'm being honest, I know that I initially asked her to study with me because I liked her as a person as well as being attracted to her physically. But the complicated nature of how we first met made it difficult for me to simply ask her out. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have acted on my feelings with this one, due to the said complications. If I had asked her out, it would have been strange, honestly, even if she had been interested. I won't go too deeply into into the details, but it's basically because she is essentially a client at the business where I work. So, I felt like it would be abusing that situation to ask her out, or messing it up somehow, so I held back.

 

Anyway, we began studying together. There were times I thought she was attracted too. Initially, I'm pretty sure she was, or at least I think she might have thought about it. We went out to some events and concerts. She initiated a couple of those, so it seemed mutual.

 

I am not sure what happened. Perhaps there was something about me that turned her off. Perhaps I waited too long (about five or six months... way too long). I really do not know. All I know is when I finally did make my feelings known, she appreciated them, but wanted to remain friends, which is fine. She has since wanted to end our language study sessions, citing that she wouldn't feel as "natural" as she had.

 

I'm glad I said something finally. But I definitely learned something through this (or, at least was reminded of it): If you are attracted, don't wait and don't fool yourself with thinking you can get by for a long time without saying anything. If the situation of how you met is initially complicated like mine was, better to just avoid engaging her it until that situation is over and done with and you can actually approach her on a clear field.

 

On your last post... I'm not saying it's the case, but how exactly is she asking about you when you're not around? I would think it would depend on the nature of her questions, as to whether or not this is truly a sign of interest. Not trying to be pessimistic, mind you! I wish you the best. Just trying to stay close to the possible problems here.

Edited June 13, 2011 by Sarang

[woops1805]

Thanks for that. I guess if I had have said nothing, I would still have feelings for her now and things could have gotten out of hand. At least there is control of the situation now. I'm just really sad that I have hurt her feelings. My intentions were never to get laid by her, momentarily I wanted more than that so my aim wasn't only sexually motivated. I guess she may not see it that way.

 

The only way to know the answer is to ask. Why is it when we get rejected that we care more for their feelings, when we are the ones in pain.

 

Do we dare ask someone else again in the future.

[Runforthehills]

Thanks for the replies.

 

It got a bit heated last week. We talked about what happened. To take the sting out of the situation I said that I wasn't madly in love with her but felt like I needed her. As soon as I said that she just turned on her heel and walked out of the room. I hit a nerve. We have spoken since but only to talk about projects and to say morning and bye etc.

 

We're civil to each other but the spark inside me has died big time unless we end up getting close again. But I doubt it will ever be the same.

 

Game over me thinks. Definately time to move on and learn from the situation.

Edited June 17, 2011 by Runforthehills
Clarification!

[Runforthehills]

Update:

 

We're better at work - we have the same projects and we talk amicably. The problem is the flirting - it still happens. But I think she might be trying to play me given that she knows I am interested (albeit my interests is still at a distance). I guess she kind of feels safe flirting with me because she knows it won't offend me. Part of me wants more, another part of me wants to keep it at a professional level. I think we will carry on like this for a while now as she doesn't seem interested in anything more than what we have despite the open body language games (flicking of hair, playing with jewellry, prologined eye contact, dillated pupils, licking of lips, showing wrists etc - classic flirting gestures). She still avoids me outside of the office though given behaviour recently at staff lunches - i.e. she will sit at the opposite end of the table and will drop back from me if we're walking in a group. She doesn't hate me - maybe she is just too scared to get too familiar again. But why does my gut tell me that we will eventually get closer? It's odd!

[bdoggle]

Odd indeed. My advice is to not play games. Flirting is one thing, but words that do not match behavior is game playing and that is usually going to go bad. This woman does seem to be a bit complicated, but you deserve to know what her issues are before getting emotionally involved at any level. If you are still interested in her, let her come to you and explain herself first. I feel this will save you a tremendous amount of heartache and pain if you are perhaps reading it wrong

[Runforthehills]

Update!

 

We're much better together at work now but she will still avoid me outside of the office. She also will not talk about what happened - like it never happened! We chat about non-work stuff when in the office so it seems to be progressing from a strictly professional relationship, which is all she insisted we had when I made my feelings known to her in May.

 

The other funny thing is that she always prioritises my work ahead of the tasks that my other senior colleagues set her and comes to me regularly for help (for issues she knows the answers to). And she will tend to appear in places where I already am...i.e. copying room, kitchen, library...

 

I have spoken to a close friend about this and he reckons there is a denial thing going on here, the fact that she was so stern in her rejection. She could have easily said she didn't feel the same way and left it at that - but her SMS rejection was very detailed and over-emphasised. It was like she was trying to cover herself...

 

Let's see how this pans out...

[visualbasicide]

Don't go one way or the other, keep things in balance and see if what she does. If it never goes anywhere, you still have your friend, if it does, well then it will. Good for you.

[Trolly]

I think this girl has more issues than the room has addressed. Expressing how you feel and her turning around and leaving the room without saying anything? That is not mature behavior. Any type of issues between the two of you should be able to be communicated without that type of reaction especially if you work together and were once friends. It's not as if you're being vulgar or offensive

[visualbasicide]

I think this girl has more issues than the room has addressed. Expressing how you feel and her turning around and leaving the room without saying anything? That is not mature behavior. Any type of issues between the two of you should be able to be communicated without that type of reaction especially if you work together and were once friends. It's not as if you're being vulgar or offensive

 

I don't know, maybe so. though there are always differences between my co-worker friends and my regular friends, not that I don't value the relationship, but the rules are a little different, I can act however I want outside of work, the people AT my work don't know everything about my past or my day to day life so there is always a little separation involved there. Unless of course you spend A LOT of time with them after work, which will vary the situation quite a bit.

[Easyguy14]

Update!

 

We're much better together at work now but she will still avoid me outside of the office. She also will not talk about what happened - like it never happened! We chat about non-work stuff when in the office so it seems to be progressing from a strictly professional relationship, which is all she insisted we had when I made my feelings known to her in May.

 

The other funny thing is that she always prioritises my work ahead of the tasks that my other senior colleagues set her and comes to me regularly for help (for issues she knows the answers to). And she will tend to appear in places where I already am...i.e. copying room, kitchen, library...

 

I have spoken to a close friend about this and he reckons there is a denial thing going on here, the fact that she was so stern in her rejection. She could have easily said she didn't feel the same way and left it at that - but her SMS rejection was very detailed and over-emphasised. It was like she was trying to cover herself...

 

Let's see how this pans out...

 

you are so smitten with this one particular lady lol. what is it about her that's got you so wrapped up in her whereabouts? you over-analyze any thing she does or says to you. let her go already. even if she's interested in you secretly, she's a headache and is full of drama, and if you guys in some fashion or another get together down the line, which I doubt, she'll be a royal pain in the ass. do you have any outside activities where you'll meet other available women so you can drop this one?

[PlanetJanet]

I concur it definitely seems like you are looking for signs that she is interested; over-analyzing and making assumptions that would suggest she is interested. Fact of the matter is - it sounds like you two work closely together and if that's the case it is probably a big mistake to get involved anyway. It would make it very difficult for you to work effectively especially if the relationship failed.

[mixwell]

I am a strong believer in actions speak louder than words and if she were interested and you made a move she would accept it. By her initial rejection you should just back off and treat as a friend because you're going to rack your brain by trying to speculate her actions. I think you rationalizing her actions and speculating you're try to tell yourself something positive when she has already told you the opposite. I would just leave it alone and carry on as co-workers but that's just my .02

[andybermudez7]

dude on this one you're going to get two camps of response, one is basically "she is either a nut case or really not interested in you or both, let it go" and two is "play it out and see what happens, but just play it kind of cool". Only you know if the first camp is probably right. But from what you've said I'd be in the latter camp. Inter-office relationships add a certain unpredictability to a dating situation. You also were obviously having some deeper level of conversations prior to telling her you wanted her. So not only are you going from friend zone to wanting more but also with being coworkers, so that is a lot of sorting out to do for anyone. But I also think you should definitely not have pressured yourself into having to "say the right thing" or have talks "about what happened" -- you were both aware of what happened...no explanations or rationalizations needed. If she still likes to flirt, keep flirting and nothing more for a while. Also, you've got to be a bit of a man in this situation, not to sound sexist--but in this instance, if she's a bit unsure of letting her guard down given the coworker situation--its your job not to let the slightest hint of lack of confidence about the situation come across. When you told her you "were scared to tell her how you felt" then later that "you weren't madly in love with her, but you felt like you needed her"...those are like the opposite things you want to say. She's lucky to have you interested in her, just remind her with the flirting that you still want her, and keep an open eye and ear to her giving you an opening later on.

[Runforthehills]

Thanks for the responses guys. This is one complicated situation. We are so good at work now it almost seems as if nothing has happened, but the flirting carries on - she does it more than I do but she still keeps the boundaries up. It's definately a 'suck it and see' situation.

 

I catch her looking at me and darting her eyes away when I walk past her or stand in another part of the office whilst in her line of sight. She used to make a point of avoiding me but now she is very easy going about us sharing the same space, to the point that she will hear me in one part of the office and often walk into it from her office! We tend to flirt more when I am in her office where she sits with other girls rathern than in my office, which has more guys in it...

 

I still secretly want her - I'm still scared of how it will affect any working relationship going forward should we end up becoming intimate. I just keep going back to when she rejected me - such a stern and harsh response. I just would not have reacted in that way if the shoe was on the other foot, it was very callous and insensitive. You wouldn't think it came from the same person that I get along with so well today!

 

Thanks again, happy to keep messaging about this and will update everyone soon!

[Rabid Ferret]

I can sum up all my advice with two words: Move on.

 

Seriously. With as many times as I have told a girl that I liked her, got shot down but begged to stay as a friend, had all the friendly behavior that made me fall for her stay intact, been called up at four AM because she wanted to hear my voice, been asked to come out with her to do things as just the two of us, ONLY to be tossed aside when she met a guy she liked, it just IS NOT worth it.

 

If she didn't say she was interested initially, she's not going to. No matter how much you analyze what she says, does, or seems to hint at. You gave her a chance to take things further with you, and she swatted it away. Girls simply do not do that with guys they are interested in.

 

Would you reject a girl you liked who confessed her feelings to you? Somebody you care about and want to take things farther with, even if you were scared of what might happen, would you tell that girl that you didn't want anything to do with her romantically?

 

It's hard to face, especially when it's a co-worker, but you'll seriously tear yourself up waiting for her to "come around". And even if she did, do you want to be with somebody who would flat out reject you and worry you this much?

 

There are plenty of other women in the world, and I'm sure lots of nice ones who would be up front with you and not play mind games. You deserve better. I wish you luck.

[mike111]

What to do! Will this just take time to heal or have I annoyed her for good? What does her bitterness represent?

 

Thanks

 

Stephen

 

 

Wow! Stephen. I read your story. Yeah, as nice as she was at the start, she has now turned into a mean b*tch. There was no reason for her to go off like that based on what you posted. I'd write this woman off and stay away from her. Reads to me like she might be a bit manipulative.

[Runforthehills]

Hi All

 

We had a meeting about two weeks ago. It was a discussion just between the pair of us about working practices. I was concerned that she was being negative and I wanted to know why; particularly if it was related to our 'misunderstandings' of the past. I simply wanted to know from her whether she was happy to work with me going forward. She said yes but she got very upset that I brought up the past again (i.e. the whole rejection thing!). I said I wanted to draw a line under things but she got quite agitated and went over the whole rejection path again. I didn't ask to go over old ground in detail but she seemed intent on repeating her rejection to me! Not just verbally but also by email. She really wanted to rub my nose in it!

 

We didn't speak for a couple of days but now as a professional relationship we are fine. Her flirting has reduced, and so has mine, which I am glad about.

 

I have had enough. I am really attracted to her and I still want her but I cannot deal with her immaturity. I can't work out whether she is just a very complicated and difficult person or whether she did/does have feelings for me and just felt the need to suppress them, hence the long winded rejection rather than a simple 'i'm not interested'. I think more the latter because I see that look in her eye...the look you can't mistake, that there is attraction from her part buried deep inside...