Sassygirl2 Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 I have tried NOT to pour my heart out to my EX and thought I was doing pretty good. We've kept in very minimal contact about our dog. I sent 2 emails regarding the relationship in the first 2 weeks after the breakup saying that I apologize and accept it and tried to explain some of my issues and why I was so stressed and angry. I have been working on myself and doing quite well until today. The problem is that I spoke with him this morning about the dog and it was a nice 5 minute conversation. He asked me how I was, etc. So then I texted him this afternoon saying "I have to be honest and say that I miss the good times we shared sometimes and that the break up has given me time to work on myself". Then I said that "I hope you find someone who will make you happy (really do)." Well of course, no response. Then I stupidly texted after two hours, "Why do you not respond? Is it because don't care, moved on, hate you, etc.." and that was it. My best friend (a guy) said I blew it but just to suck it up and move on. I think that this man (my exbf) is a COWARD. I tell him my honest feelings and he just ignores me. I don't understand. Is this a dumper thing? A man thing? A "sort of person he is" thing? Why can't we all just be honest with each other? Why do we have to play games as to "NOT" talk about anything other than the weather, etc.? I'm curious. Link to post Share on other sites
stopthemadness Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 Hi, sorry for your heart ache. But it sounds to me like this man is done with this relationship. So its time to move on and start the healing process. Dont expect anything from him and you wont be let down when he doesnt do it. Maybe hes not beind a coward by not responding. Maybe he just doesnt care enough to respond ya know? Either way its time to stop thinking of him. And start thinking of you. What you really need to do is go NO Contact on his butt. Let him miss you. But honestly I think you use the dog as a reason to see him. Maybe you should think about letting him have the dog. You can get another dog. A new dog one thats not tied to your ex boyfriend. Your not gona start healing untell you stop contact.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sassygirl2 Posted May 28, 2011 Author Share Posted May 28, 2011 Thanks Stopthemadness. I think I AM using the dog as a way to keep in touch with him. I don't want him to have her as he would not take good care of her and she has some issues. I am going to just keep her and do the NC. Just let it go. I guess we don't always get answers to everything, right? It's just sad that people do this to people. I wasn't perfect but at least I was willing to fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 I'd say its defiently a dumper thing. This seems to happen alot, just from reading other people's post. I don't know why dumpers do this though. How hard is it to reply to someone? Link to post Share on other sites
FCGA Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 Sorry but I'm going to have to disagree with everyone a bit. I was dumped by my gf of 3 years and it hurt more than anything. She was the first to email me about 2 weeks later and try to stay friends because she still couldn't bare the thought of being without me. And I responded to her that night,telling her that I would be okay with it as long as we were careful not to hurt each other again. I was not talking to her because of how much it hurt. Sometimes it's easier to make a clean break and try and distract yourself until a new life fully develops around you and before you know it you forgot what your past life was like. Talking to your ex runs the risk of opening up healing wounds. Granted that it may heal them if it's meant to be, it usually creates the illusion of healing because it puts your mind and heart at ease being in a familiar place. I can't tell you how much better I would be today, how over her I would be, if I had not responded. Maybe if I was smarter, albeit colder, I would've been able to see the easier road ahead. The best thing for you is to find a new familiar place to set your mind and heart down. He may not be a coward...In fact he may be even more torn up about the break up than you and seeing you text him hurt so deeply that it reduced him to tears again and he couldn't bring himself to respond. He may be weak, and insecure, but not necessarily a coward. And the fact that he broke up with you doesn't always mean he doesn't care or isn't allowed to care. But not talking is the easiest way to heal. It will take time, and anything that reminds you of the past will only set you back. Talking to the person you are trying to move on from before you have moved on will only keep you stuck in mud until you get back together then break up, or get in a fight. Either one ends in heartache and tears. You may not see it right now, but trust me you are better off this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Leda Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 You screamed abuse at him and threw things with his kids in earshot. He made it 850% crystal clear that that was a permanent dealbreaker for him. You say you've done a lot of work on yourself, but your attitude toward him--disrespecting the fact that he has gently, clearly, and politely explained that IT IS OVER and pushing him to try to make him explain it...and then being derogatory about him for acting like it is over (as in, not responding to your texts)--shows you haven't. That, and it's been like a month. Some people never cross that line when stressed. He's not a coward, he's brave as hell for leaving an abusive relationship when he has kids. I think the gender thing here is that if a WOMAN posted, "I was with a guy who screamed at me and threw things around our kids. I told him I would not put my kids through that. We share a dog, so I have to keep talking to him, but he keeps texting me things to reinitiate more contact)---then everyone would probably unanimously say, "YAY! Congratulations for leaving an abusive relationship and protecting your kids. When he texts you that he's changed, ignore him." Trying to make a clean break is not a guy thing, or a dumper thing...it's a BRAVE thing for anyone getting their kids out of a situation like that. The recovery rate for people with violent anger is very, very low. Most people stay abusive. You still think the fact that this man was a good enough father to take his kids out of an abusive situation means there's something wrong with HIM. It doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sassygirl2 Posted May 28, 2011 Author Share Posted May 28, 2011 Leda, I see what you are saying and you are correct about most of it. I did scream at him and throw a plate into a tree. He also screamed at me yelling curse words at me within ear shot of his kids. I have not been violent with him or anyone before this and am not a violent person. I was freaked out due to high levels of stress and I wasn't happy in the relationship. He was ignoring me at a time I really needed him. Yeah, I screwed up big time. I apologized. I gave this man a lot of love and we had a lot of great times together. I loved his kids and he loved mine. It was really sad that this happened and everyone was hurt by what happened. One cannot say that I was the sole responsible one for the relationship failing. It takes two to screw up a relationship. There were obviously issues that I was trying to talk to him about and he was blowing me off and ignoring me. I blew up. It doesn't make me some violent person like you make me out to be. If this situation didn't happen - something else would have happened that would have broken us up. I wish that I wasn't the one that acted like an a**hole, but I did. I'm just trying to find answers and yours are probably the right on the money. Link to post Share on other sites
NicoleM Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 I feel for you Sassygirl. My ex was a total jerk! He never had the balls to dump me or tell me it was over. He just stopped calling me me and hoped I would figure it out that doesn't get anymore cowardly if you ask me. Everytime I think about it I want to scream and punch him in the face ( okay not really) but you get the point. I even decided to e-mail him and say hey ball is in your court if you want to talk again and even said you can be a coward and not say anything or you can actually talk to me and that jerk was a coward of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 I feel for you Sassygirl. My ex was a total jerk! He never had the balls to dump me or tell me it was over. He just stopped calling me me and hoped I would figure it out that doesn't get anymore cowardly if you ask me. Everytime I think about it I want to scream and punch him in the face ( okay not really) but you get the point. I even decided to e-mail him and say hey ball is in your court if you want to talk again and even said you can be a coward and not say anything or you can actually talk to me and that jerk was a coward of course. I also understand as my ex did exactly the same thing to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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