Married folks: How often do you have sex?

[The Blue Knight]

Okay, I'll play.

 

My deal is a bit more complicated. Married young the first time. I was 21 and she was 22. Sex just about every day and it was hot. Got married and it stayed frequent 2 to 4 times weekly throughout the marriage. The only dry periods were when she was mad which was often, but the makeup sex was always high quality. Life was good. Never had any sexual complaints. But she thought the grass was greener in other areas so she moved on after 15 years.

 

Second marriage. I'm 10 years older than my present wife. Sex was less frequent from the start. I was nearly always the sexual pursuer and the initiator throughout the relationship. For the past 15 years that's been the case. Sex was always there but I never felt that she had the appetite that my first wife had.

 

Oddly, I got so frustrated this past July after several "talks" over the years that I finally snapped and told her that I can't continue this way. I also posted for the first time on loveshack that month because I needed to vent and get some "female insight." I told my wife that I needed to feel desired as much as she did and that I needed a sexual partner who feels desire rather than just someone reacting to my touches, my advances, and my urges all the time.

 

Something changed immediately in her at that point. She's been like a tigress for the past three months. It's unbelievable. We had a streak at one point of 14 out of 17 days! She's now what I've always wanted her to be. She admitted to being too passive about the subject as well as taking me for granted sexually. Things have certainly looked up since then. I just hope it continues. Now we're averaging about 3-4X a week and I can't complain. Live is good!

 

I'll be honest and say this. I feel somewhat guilty after reading some of the sad postings here on loveshack regarding some of your sex lives. Honestly, I feel for all of you who are stuck in a cold or uncaring relationship, or one where no sexual desire from your partner exists. I didn't ever have it that bad. I hope things turn around for each and every one of you.

[The Blue Knight]

Not sure what her problems are.

When I try to bring the subject up, she gets defensive.

I don't usually bring it up bec. I don't want to get "shut down" just as I may be close to entering the gate.

 

Have told her (not in the sexual setting) that I want to talk more about this, there's nothing immoral about this, other couples do it, it's referenced in the Old Testament for heaven's sake (Song of Solomon), and that I want us to "move toward that." Not that she has to give me OS, but I sure want to give it to her...

 

Maybe I shouldn't have said "she doesn't love me in a sexual way..."

Better put:

She doesn't ike particular sex acts.

 

Am getting tired of plain ole vanilla sex, if I even get that much, like reuben kinkaid posted above.

 

Well put. And as you pointed out Solomon wrote about the beauty of exploring one another sexually. The Bible certainly has no issues with what goes on between consenting married adults in the bedroom.

 

Have you ever invested in one of those DVDs by the Sinclair Institute that uses sexual visuals and interviews the couples about sex? It might open some doors for her when she sees that it's completely normal between husband and wife.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Well put. And as you pointed out Solomon wrote about the beauty of exploring one another sexually. The Bible certainly has no issues with what goes on between consenting married adults in the bedroom.

 

Have you ever invested in one of those DVDs by the Sinclair Institute that uses sexual visuals and interviews the couples about sex? It might open some doors for her when she sees that it's completely normal between husband and wife.

 

I should note when we were dating it was roughly every other day, maybe more. Once we became engaged and were living together - and working our first jobs out of college - it was once or twice a week. After marriage, it went to once a week. There were spikes when trying to get pregnant and then lulls after our kids were born. We've had other spikes - vacations, anniversary weekends together. But within the past 24 months we've had two lulls that have lasted three months or longer, which is what we're in now. Nothing since July! Not a damn thing!

[The Blue Knight]

I should note when we were dating it was roughly every other day, maybe more. Once we became engaged and were living together - and working our first jobs out of college - it was once or twice a week. After marriage, it went to once a week. There were spikes when trying to get pregnant and then lulls after our kids were born. We've had other spikes - vacations, anniversary weekends together. But within the past 24 months we've had two lulls that have lasted three months or longer, which is what we're in now. Nothing since July! Not a damn thing!

 

That is sooooooo wrong Reuben. Three months! I'd be like a crazed animal by that point! Libidos would be so much more convenient if you could turn them on and off at will.

 

Maybe the marriage contracts of the future have to add ". . . and do you promise to always think of your spouses physical and sexual needs, and to have wild crazy sexual interactions with your spouse a minimum of three times a week? . . . " I've heard of marriages that have pre-nups or "contractual" language such as that worked in. Not sure how you'd enforce it however.

 

I wonder how many individuals who act the part of being interested in sex before the marriage would still go forward with it in such a case?

 

Someone needs to invent the sexual crystal ball so you can see where that person is going to be in 5 - 10 - 15 years into the marriage.

 

My situation is evidence that the whole marriage can be rejuvenated sexually. But obviously, both individuals need to be committed to that idea for it to work.

 

By the way, nice profile photo. Reuben in his prime!

[locamia]

Okay, I'll play.

 

My deal is a bit more complicated. Married young the first time. I was 21 and she was 22. Sex just about every day and it was hot. Got married and it stayed frequent 2 to 4 times weekly throughout the marriage. The only dry periods were when she was mad which was often, but the makeup sex was always high quality. Life was good. Never had any sexual complaints. But she thought the grass was greener in other areas so she moved on after 15 years.

 

Second marriage. I'm 10 years older than my present wife. Sex was less frequent from the start. I was nearly always the sexual pursuer and the initiator throughout the relationship. For the past 15 years that's been the case. Sex was always there but I never felt that she had the appetite that my first wife had.

 

Oddly, I got so frustrated this past July after several "talks" over the years that I finally snapped and told her that I can't continue this way. I also posted for the first time on loveshack that month because I needed to vent and get some "female insight." I told my wife that I needed to feel desired as much as she did and that I needed a sexual partner who feels desire rather than just someone reacting to my touches, my advances, and my urges all the time.

 

Something changed immediately in her at that point. She's been like a tigress for the past three months. It's unbelievable. We had a streak at one point of 14 out of 17 days! She's now what I've always wanted her to be. She admitted to being too passive about the subject as well as taking me for granted sexually. Things have certainly looked up since then. I just hope it continues. Now we're averaging about 3-4X a week and I can't complain. Live is good!

 

I'll be honest and say this. I feel somewhat guilty after reading some of the sad postings here on loveshack regarding some of your sex lives. Honestly, I feel for all of you who are stuck in a cold or uncaring relationship, or one where no sexual desire from your partner exists. I didn't ever have it that bad. I hope things turn around for each and every one of you.

 

This was great to read because although I feel for the neglected men who's wives maybe dont care enough to put in the effort, I wonder if many women just unintentionally become too comfortable being the desired one. I may be guilty of that myself. My husband never confronted me about it, he just lived with it and has even told me he just learned to not expect it and just take it whenever he could get it..for years! Poor soul this broke my heart. It was a combination of things that made me see the light, some being that he's been having erection problems and porn use seemed excessive once I became aware of it recently. But these issues have sparked many many hours of conversation and I have stepped up and am now loving every second of it. We have had sex 3xs in the last 3 days and today he actually told me I am 'cut off' till Sat (half jokingly). He is now able to have those moments even if not often where he is the one being desired and I love how good it makes him feel.

[Floridaman]

What exactly is her hangup florida? You say she doesn't love you in a sexual way. Translated, does that mean oral sex is out because she doesn't love you "in that way", or oral sex is out period because she finds it distasteful or deviant behavior with anyone? I'm curious how someone can find something "bad" or unlikeable if they've never tried or attempted it, assuming that's the case here.

 

To add...

 

Sex is painful to her.

Learned about lubes so bought some, which we use.

However, sex remains painful and it doesn't seem like she enjoys it.

 

Take one time last month. I entered and was trying to prolong things (used to be "5 min. man').

As she seemed like she wasn't enjoying it, asked if I should accelerate things.

Tried, but couldn't get my release.

 

Made me withdraw and I almost released on her tummy, a sexy act that I wanted to do, as I could at least get some kind of satisfaction that way.

 

However, she'd have none of it and acted like my semen was "icky..." and was afraid of the "mess."

So clearly, I need to get her to a marriage therapist with sexual therapy skills.

 

Releasing on her tummy, thought it could bring some memories as was something I did in some "everything... but" with a couple of virgin or less-experienced ladies in my late 20s....

 

Have lately taken to rubbing myself up against her vaginal area, to bring some new sensations before entering and return some feelings I had with women I did sex-play with when single....

 

 

Sorry if this is TMI.... but trying to present a view of what's going on.

Edited October 23, 2011 by Floridaman

[xxoo]

Florida--if penetration hurt me, it would end immediately. There is no way my guy would accelerate to finish it up (that would hurt more).

 

BUT--there is also no way I would end the intimacy with him unsatisfied. We'd continue to play in some way until each is satisfied.

 

Both of your responses seem selfish to me. You two seem disconnected during sex.

[giotto]

You two seem disconnected during sex.

 

yes, connected, but disconnected...

[Floridaman]

Florida--if penetration hurt me, it would end immediately. There is no way my guy would accelerate to finish it up (that would hurt more).

 

BUT--there is also no way I would end the intimacy with him unsatisfied. We'd continue to play in some way until each is satisfied.

 

Both of your responses seem selfish to me. You two seem disconnected during sex.

 

So this is MY fault?

My efforts to change her never having time for me to express my love sexually to her reflect bad motives?

 

 

Sex is painful to her.

Learned about lubes so bought some, which we use.

However, sex remains painful and it doesn't seem like she enjoys it.

 

Take one time last month....

 

That "one time last month," it was the ONLY time I've had sex lately....

Edited October 23, 2011 by Floridaman

[xxoo]

So this is MY fault?

My efforts to change her never having time for me to express my love sexually to her reflect bad motives?

 

 

 

That "one time last month," it was the ONLY time I've had sex lately....

 

Not entirely your fault, but the way you handled it contributed to the disconnect. If you pursue intercourse that is uncomfortable for her, she will not experience it as love. She'll feel like she is "giving you sex"--not connecting.

 

There are so many ways to be intimate together. The question is, does she want to be intimate with you? If yes, you should be able to find ways to please each other without pain. Bring a handtowel to bed to be prepared for "mess".

[StoneCold]

Not entirely your fault, but the way you handled it contributed to the disconnect. If you pursue intercourse that is uncomfortable for her, she will not experience it as love. She'll feel like she is "giving you sex"--not connecting.

 

There are so many ways to be intimate together. The question is, does she want to be intimate with you? If yes, you should be able to find ways to please each other without pain. Bring a handtowel to bed to be prepared for "mess".

 

 

Its hard to really recommend marriage if this is what it will likely turn into. These things only seem to be issues for married couples...

[xxoo]

Its hard to really recommend marriage if this is what it will likely turn into. These things only seem to be issues for married couples...

 

:::shrug::: it isn't what my marriage is like. I post from a position of marital satisfaction, and hope to help others achieve the same.

 

Floridaman is the only one who can judge if his sex life was better before marriage. From what he's posted, I'm under the impression it was not....

[StoneCold]

:::shrug::: it isn't what my marriage is like. I post from a position of marital satisfaction, and hope to help others achieve the same.

....

 

Beleive it or not, but my opinions are by and large based on what I objectively observe of others. The fact that my marriage is no different really is just the iicing on the cake.

 

Stories like Floridaman's are...a dime a dozen (sorry Floridaman...I know it sucks and its your problem to deal with but your storie has been told a million times)

Edited October 24, 2011 by StoneCold

[Floridaman]

Floridaman is the only one who can judge if his sex life was better before marriage. From what he's posted, I'm under the impression it was not....

You read the thread I started?

 

I'd say the sex early in the marriage was similar as before we married, once or twice on weekends (maybe more), and more on vacations.

 

 

Getting highly frustrated, I just let it out the other night. Told her I was losing patience and she's not living up to her end of the marriage.

 

She's too tired on worknights. And too tired on weekends. So there's never any time for me, no matter what I do.

 

Yes, made for some tense moments but I didn't back down.

Now, I may not have handled this so well, getting angry and telling her I want to "see actions," but I do feel better about it.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Floridaman

[frozensprouts]

You read the thread I started?

 

I'd say the sex early in the marriage was similar as before we married, once or twice on weekends (maybe more), and more on vacations.

 

 

Getting highly frustrated, I just let it out the other night. Told her I was losing patience and she's not living up to her end of the marriage.

 

She's too tired on worknights. And too tired on weekends. So there's never any time for me, no matter what I do.

 

Yes, made for some tense moments but I didn't back down.

Now, I may not have handled this so well, getting angry and telling her I want to "see actions," but I do feel better about it.

 

 

am i right that you ay it hurts your wife to have sex? why would you ask her do something that causes her pain? Reverse the situation... how would you feel in her shoes?

 

this is what confuses me sometimes. I know that the prevailing thought is that sex is a biological urge for human beings. I understand that. But so often I hear that men want sex with their wives so much because it's how the express feelings of love and closeness. This is also great and wonderful... but how does asking someone to do something that you know is painful for them an expression of love? ( i'm not knocking you here, just asking you to look it things from a different perspective)

 

have the two of you tried to figure out why it causes her pain, and, if so, what can be done to help change that so that she will feel better about it? perhaps her knowing that you are doing what you can to help make things better for you will show her how much you really do care.

[KathyM]

am i right that you ay it hurts your wife to have sex? why would you ask her do something that causes her pain? Reverse the situation... how would you feel in her shoes?

 

this is what confuses me sometimes. I know that the prevailing thought is that sex is a biological urge for human beings. I understand that. But so often I hear that men want sex with their wives so much because it's how the express feelings of love and closeness. This is also great and wonderful... but how does asking someone to do something that you know is painful for them an expression of love? ( i'm not knocking you here, just asking you to look it things from a different perspective)

 

have the two of you tried to figure out why it causes her pain, and, if so, what can be done to help change that so that she will feel better about it? perhaps her knowing that you are doing what you can to help make things better for you will show her how much you really do care.

I'd like to make a few suggestions regarding the pain issue. It's possible that the reason there is pain is because of the infrequency of having intercourse. I noticed that the times I had to abstain from sex with the husband (had to go take care of my mother, husband was in hospital for a bit and recovering, those types of things), sex was a bit painful when it was resumed. The pain is not there when you have more frequent intercourse. Also possible causes of pain is not using enough lubricant, or starting intercourse before the woman is completely warmed up and juiced up. You may want to experiment with different sex positions, because some may cause more pain than others. If the guy is very well endowed, certain positions that allow for deep penetration may cause pain. If that is the issue, you may want to try a more shallow penetration and see if that helps. She should also see a doctor and be checked out. She may have female issues that are causing her pain that the doctor can do something about. But I think, in all likelihood, the pain is caused from the infrequency of sex.

[RiverRunning]

Kathy, thanks for your post.

 

My partner and I had infrequent sex from the beginning (maybe twice a month). Since moving in together about 7 months ago, that's bumped up to someplace between 6 and 8 times a month. We recently had a lull of about a week.

 

Sex has been painful the last few times. I'll keep what you suggested in mind - maybe we're not doing it enough.

[Floridaman]

am i right that you ay it hurts your wife to have sex? why would you ask her do something that causes her pain? Reverse the situation... how would you feel in her shoes?

 

this is what confuses me sometimes. I know that the prevailing thought is that sex is a biological urge for human beings. I understand that. But so often I hear that men want sex with their wives so much because it's how the express feelings of love and closeness. This is also great and wonderful... but how does asking someone to do something that you know is painful for them an expression of love? ( i'm not knocking you here, just asking you to look it things from a different perspective)

 

have the two of you tried to figure out why it causes her pain, and, if so, what can be done to help change that so that she will feel better about it? perhaps her knowing that you are doing what you can to help make things better for you will show her how much you really do care.

All good points.

 

It's not like I'm some unsympathetic selfish prick only wanting her to "put out" for me.

I've given her many opportunities (started this Fall 2010, and even before that, unsuccessfully) but am not seeing any changes or increased sexual interest in me.

 

Oh, we do ML. But it's once a month, if that.

It feels like I'm being controlled as I don't get any say in our frequency, though I approach frequently.

 

In the past, was timid with her, let the rejection go and didn't continue to press or approach her sexually like I should.

Just like my shyness hindered approaching women during most of my 20s.... before I finally awoke out of that as well.

 

 

I have all these desires I want fulfilled, desires I've long been unable to fulfill. And it kills me.

 

There's more to the story but I won't post here as details about doctor's visits may be too revealing.

 

The thread I started details all my feelings.

Refusal-Long time refused & considering leaving...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253953/

 

Some of that is graphic or TMI.

I genuinely apologize.

That wasn't the intention and truly wish I could edit some of my posts, but it gives you a good idea of what goes on inside the head of a man facing a difficult situation like me...

Edited October 25, 2011 by Floridaman

[The Blue Knight]

She's too tired on worknights. And too tired on weekends. So there's never any time for me, no matter what I do.

Sorry to say this but when you hear someone like floridaman posting his wife's "I'm tired" excuse that consistently, she strikes me as being checked out from the physical / intimacy of the marriage. I never experienced it personally, but come on! She certainly has the time and energy for most other things in her life I would imagine.

[The Blue Knight]

This was great to read because although I feel for the neglected men who's wives maybe dont care enough to put in the effort, I wonder if many women just unintentionally become too comfortable being the desired one. I may be guilty of that myself. My husband never confronted me about it, he just lived with it and has even told me he just learned to not expect it and just take it whenever he could get it..for years! Poor soul this broke my heart. It was a combination of things that made me see the light, some being that he's been having erection problems and porn use seemed excessive once I became aware of it recently. But these issues have sparked many many hours of conversation and I have stepped up and am now loving every second of it. We have had sex 3xs in the last 3 days and today he actually told me I am 'cut off' till Sat (half jokingly). He is now able to have those moments even if not often where he is the one being desired and I love how good it makes him feel.

 

locamia, although it's probably more often women than men, there are certainly men who become too comfortable within the relationship. Perhaps for differing reasons. It's great that you came to realize this about your own marriage. I read postings here where the "other" spouse could care less about how their husband or wife feels and it's painful sometimes to read. You caught it, changed it, and now you're on your way it seems. My wife appears to have caught it as well for which I'm thankful. You're one in a few in my opinion!

[Moonshine Jack]

-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now? Me: 23/27, Her: 21/26

-How long have you been married? 4 years (together for 9 years).

-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married? These days we have sex an average of 6-10 times a week, though when we first married it was 1-2 times a week (if that).

 

I've always had a very... motivated... libido, but my wife was far more passive than I in the beginning. Truth be told, she was a virgin when I met her (note: we were both in High School then, so this is far less creepy then it sounds), she is a tiny thing, I'm not exactly "small", if you catch my meaning, and she experienced quite a bit of pain/discomfort when we first started having sex.

 

Over time, of course, that became less and less of a problem, but I think the first few experiences, being painful for her, colored her opinion of sex in such a way that she didn't actively seek it out (for years, I had to initiate 99% of the time).

 

After our first child was born, however, this changed for the better, and after the second, the tables have entirely turned.

 

These days, she's practically too much lover for me to handle, and the only problem we have in our sex lives is finding time when the kids won't bother us

[The Blue Knight]

Over time, of course, that became less and less of a problem, but I think the first few experiences, being painful for her, colored her opinion of sex in such a way that she didn't actively seek it out (for years, I had to initiate 99% of the time).

 

After our first child was born, however, this changed for the better, and after the second, the tables have entirely turned.

 

These days, she's practically too much lover for me to handle, and the only problem we have in our sex lives is finding time when the kids won't bother us

See there's that "reverse of the norm" factor where your wife has the increased libido after kids whereas 95% of the time, it's a lack of libido after the kids. Consider yourself one of the few blessed men MJ.

[Bittersweetie]

-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now?

 

We started dating when I was 20, he was 18. We married seven years later. I am now 39.

 

-How long have you been married?

 

12 years, together 19.

 

-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married?

 

Well, the first ten years, and a few years before that, we were lucky to average once a year. The reasons were many...our first time (which was mine as well) was very traumatic for me for reasons that had nothing to do with him. Then I suffered from depression, and then being on the BCP also seriously affected my libido, which of course I didn't realize until I went off of it. Now, we average at least once a week, which right now we're both happy with.

[Discjockey80]

-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now?

25 When Married. 31 now. Wife was 32 when we married she is 38 now.

 

-How long have you been married?

Been Married a little over 6 years.

 

 

-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married?

2-3 times a week when first married. Hardly at all now.

[The Blue Knight]

-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now?

25 When Married. 31 now. Wife was 32 when we married she is 38 now.

 

-How long have you been married?

Been Married a little over 6 years.

 

-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married?

2-3 times a week when first married. Hardly at all now.

You've found a home among the sexless married populace my friend.