Married folks: How often do you have sex?

[Discjockey80]

You've found a home among the sexless married populace my friend.

 

Ah yes. I have realized that.

 

In fairness, we just had a baby and have a 3 year old and both work full-time jobs. Don't get lots of chances to go out alot. So right now it isn't totally unexpected. But even before she was most recently pregnant, we were at once...maybe twice a month. It had been that way since our first was born. I would ideally like to be back to a couple times per week.

[wellanydaynow]

However, I quit asking.

 

Had an old timer tell me this back when I was 15. He said "Add a penny to a mason jar every time you have sex your first year of marriage. After your first year, take a penny out of the jar every time you have sex. You will never empty the jar".

 

me=60, her=59, married since 72:love:

[The Blue Knight]

Ah yes. I have realized that.

 

In fairness, we just had a baby and have a 3 year old and both work full-time jobs. Don't get lots of chances to go out alot. So right now it isn't totally unexpected. But even before she was most recently pregnant, we were at once...maybe twice a month. It had been that way since our first was born. I would ideally like to be back to a couple times per week.

 

I'm sure if you poke around here you'll find plenty of people who have posted "your problem." The key to what you just wrote above is that this was occurring even before she was recently pregnant. I'm not saying this is your wife, but women often use children as an excuse for not reengaging in regular sex with their husbands as my sister did to her husband. I'm not talking about the weeks following the birth of a baby either. I'm talking about the years following. I hope for your sake it's a temporary problem.

[giotto]

I'm sure if you poke around here you'll find plenty of people who have posted "your problem." The key to what you just wrote above is that this was occurring even before she was recently pregnant. I'm not saying this is your wife, but women often use children as an excuse for not reengaging in regular sex with their husbands as my sister did to her husband. I'm not talking about the weeks following the birth of a baby either. I'm talking about the years following. I hope for your sake it's a temporary problem.

 

I don't think children are an excuse to not re-engaging in regular sex... they are the most precious things and mothers do get "distracted" by it... husbands just take second place... I think it's difficult to keep the flame going on a long term even without kids, so when they come, the relationship changes. I believe that, when the procreation goal has been achieved, women tend to put sex on the back-burner, because it's not a useful tool anymore. I'm sure it's not done on purpose, it's just the way nature is...

[The Blue Knight]

I don't think children are an excuse to not re-engaging in regular sex... they are the most precious things and mothers do get "distracted" by it... husbands just take second place... I think it's difficult to keep the flame going on a long term even without kids, so when they come, the relationship changes. I believe that, when the procreation goal has been achieved, women tend to put sex on the back-burner, because it's not a useful tool anymore. I'm sure it's not done on purpose, it's just the way nature is...

 

I think "distracted" lets them off the hook a bit easy giotto. Distractions by themselves have a limited impact typically.

 

These are entirely new lifestyles I'm talking about where the husband goes from #1 to being some obscure stranger who brings home a pay check and often gets little if any sexual attention.

 

I love my kids to death. They are VERY important to me. But I've always believed and I think the Bible clearly supports the idea that the husband is there for his wife and the wife is there for her husband, first and foremost.

 

My point is that you can be an attentive mother or father who nurtures and loves your kids but still find adequate time for each other. They are not mutually exclusive.

 

Besides, if that's "nature" as you suggest why do some women still have incredibly high sex drives after kids? Some even have higher sex drives after menopause when a woman can't conceive any longer.

 

Whatever the psychological or physical reasons, it's not acceptable . . . to me anyway. Marriages make it when both partners feel they are there to help meet each others needs. When that suffers. The marriage suffers. When the marriage suffers, the family suffers. And the end result is often divorce. At that point, everyone suffers and often it's the kids who suffer the most.

[giotto]

Absolutely, I agree with you, but in my long married life (and from what some of my friends have told me), I got the impression that sex with the husband is not a duty, not a given and definitely not a right of the husband. Sometimes, when I was pushing for sex, my wife would say "you know, I'm not your sex slave... my body is mine and I do what I want with it". So, I reckon that many women don't see the sex part as a fundamental element of the marriage. I wonder if some of the ladies here on LS feel the same... it would be interesting to know...

 

I think "distracted" lets them off the hook a bit easy giotto. Distractions by themselves have a limited impact typically.

 

These are entirely new lifestyles I'm talking about where the husband goes from #1 to being some obscure stranger who brings home a pay check and often gets little if any sexual attention.

 

I love my kids to death. They are VERY important to me. But I've always believed and I think the Bible clearly supports the idea that the husband is there for his wife and the wife is there for her husband, first and foremost.

 

My point is that you can be an attentive mother or father who nurtures and loves your kids but still find adequate time for each other. They are not mutually exclusive.

 

Besides, if that's "nature" as you suggest why do some women still have incredibly high sex drives after kids? Some even have higher sex drives after menopause when a woman can't conceive any longer.

 

Whatever the psychological or physical reasons, it's not acceptable . . . to me anyway. Marriages make it when both partners feel they are there to help meet each others needs. When that suffers. The marriage suffers. When the marriage suffers, the family suffers. And the end result is often divorce. At that point, everyone suffers and often it's the kids who suffer the most.

[The Blue Knight]

Absolutely, I agree with you, but in my long married life (and from what some of my friends have told me), I got the impression that sex with the husband is not a duty, not a given and definitely not a right of the husband. Sometimes, when I was pushing for sex, my wife would say "you know, I'm not your sex slave... my body is mine and I do what I want with it". So, I reckon that many women don't see the sex part as a fundamental element of the marriage. I wonder if some of the ladies here on LS feel the same... it would be interesting to know...

I find the comment about being "your sex slave" rather offensive. What a rotten way to turn it around on you. Biblically, the wife's body belongs to the husband and the husband's to the wife. So that kind of voids out her comments. But the Bible aside, yes . . it is the duty of both the husband and wife to attempt to fulfill each others needs both the sexual ones and the non-sexual ones. That's the point of getting married and becoming "one flesh." Your wife sounds like she got a rather large dose of Gloria Steinem from the 70s.

[giotto]

I find the comment about being "your sex slave" rather offensive. What a rotten way to turn it around on you. Biblically, the wife's body belongs to the husband and the husband's to the wife. So that kind of voids out her comments. But the Bible aside, yes . . it is the duty of both the husband and wife to attempt to fulfill each others needs both the sexual ones and the non-sexual ones. That's the point of getting married and becoming "one flesh." Your wife sounds like she got a rather large dose of Gloria Steinem from the 70s.

 

she is not religious (and I'm not either), and she grew up in rather progressive and open family... not old enough to have lived in the '60s as a teenager (although her older sister did), but she's always been fiercely independent and for women's rights. But I don't really think that's the problem. I think some women just don't consider sex as a duty in the marriage and definitely they don't believe that "biblically" their body belongs to their husband, or viceversa. Sex is something you give when "you feel like it", more than an obligation or a duty in the marriage.

[giotto]

I get up every morning to look after the kids, to pack their lunches, to iron their uniform, to give them breakfast, to get them ready for school and then to take them to school, after I've cleared the kitchen and taken the dog for a walk... then I do 5 hours work and stop to pick up the kids from school. When I'm back, I do another 2 hours, thinking about what I'm going to cook for the evening, then I go and do some shopping, take the dog for a walk and cook the meal. Then I clear the kitchen and watch TV for half an hour. I go to bed pretty tired. I work 7 days a week, my wife works 4 and even when she has 3 days off in a row, I still do all that... I call it doing 3 shifts. Admittedly, she does most of the cleaning, but that's because I don't have any time to do it... she works shifts, so very often I'm doing the childcare too.

 

I still get no sex... and I'm a man, BTW...

Edited November 12, 2011 by giotto

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Never once have I thrown any of that crap at my wife. My wife laughs how she lives the life most women dream of. She stopped her 9-5 job (a good 6 figure IT job) 6-7 years ago and has had the midlife career change. The children are now 15 & 18, with one away at university. Yes she does the laundry and is more anal about cleaning then me. I however do 70% of the cooking and cleaning around the kitchen. I do the vacuuming and floor around the house. I do all the driving of the kids and the one at all their events (not many, but at least 1-2X's/wk).

 

Oh yea I also earn 90% of the household income, we have a comfortable life, and I never once have held it over her head. All I want is a happy home and some semi-regular sex.

 

Yes we also look very much like we did when we met (body-wise), so that is not the issue.

 

I could go on, but when I read the above and the " A woman's job is never done" mantra, I see red and do get pissed.

[frozensprouts]

i can't speak for anyone else, but i found that sometimes, being a mom can ( and this is not the right way to word this, but i can't find another one) emotionally draining.

 

This isn't to say that my husband doesn't love our kids or worry about them...i know he does. But for whatever reason, when our kids need a hug, are hurt, are having problems at school or with their friends, when they are frightenened or hurting physically or emotionally, they turn to me more than they do him for comfort and support ( could be because he's away a lot, and I'm the one who's home...i don't know)

 

There are times when this just takes up all my thoughts and "emotionally capacity", and it's all i can deal with.

 

it was harder when my kids were smaller, got easier for a bit, but now that one is a teenager, it's getting harder again ( she's got some issues and gets bullied at school and needs a lot of emotional support at home right now)

[xxoo]

I believe that sexual needs are important, and that loving spouses should show care for each other's sexual needs.

 

But I find it highly offensive to read sex described as a "duty" in marriage

 

As for the men vs. women and stress--does it matter who does more of what? What matters is that the couple stays close, and each feels supported and appreciated. Keeping score and labeling feelings as "excuses" drives a couple apart. Listening to each other with compassion brings us together.

[frozensprouts]

I find the comment about being "your sex slave" rather offensive. What a rotten way to turn it around on you. Biblically, the wife's body belongs to the husband and the husband's to the wife. So that kind of voids out her comments. But the Bible aside, yes . . it is the duty of both the husband and wife to attempt to fulfill each others needs both the sexual ones and the non-sexual ones. That's the point of getting married and becoming "one flesh." Your wife sounds like she got a rather large dose of Gloria Steinem from the 70s.

 

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh:archie bunker lives!!!!!!!!:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[giotto]

But I find it highly offensive to read sex described as a "duty" in marriage

 

in fact, it shouldn't be a duty at all (and I wouldn't want it to be)... but avoiding some basic need is wrong too... it should be a natural thing, so when it doesn't happen - I, being opposed to any form of sex obligation, I can only accept it and think that sex is not an implicit consequence of being married... or, at least for my wife.

[frozensprouts]

labeling feelings as "excuses" drives a couple apart. Listening to each other with compassion brings us together.

 

i think that this is a pretty profound statement...

 

i know i'm guilty of not always listening to my husband with an open mind ( and heart).. i think we all are at times....

 

but instead of someone's first thought being 'they are just using x, y or z as an excuse to not have sex" ( or whatever else the conversation maybe about), maybe try listening to their reason and find out why they feel this way. Maybe saying "i'm too tired" may sound like an excuse, but try looking at the feeling behind it.

 

 

( this is a pretty graphic and extreme example of what i mean, and if you are sensitive, you may not wish to read it)

 

my good friend's husband came home from deployment and seemed pretty happy. she was so glad to have him home. But after work, during the evenings, she'd want to cuddle and talk, maybe have sex, but he would absentmindedly tell her he he was too tired and would go to bed. She would ask him what was wrong, and he'd always say "nothing", i'm just tired.

 

after a while she started to feel rejected and she talked to him about it. he told her he'd try, but nothing really changed, and, in fact, they got worse. she was feeling worse and worse, so to give herself some time to think, she went home to visit her mom and dad for a couple of weeks, and told him that during that time, she wanted him to figure out what was going on in himself, as if he didn't she wanted a separation.

 

When she came back, he told her why he had been acting the way he did...

 

he had been riding in a convoy between two forward operating bases ( he was deployed to afghanistan) when they hit an IED ( roadside bomb) he was between two guys who were his friends, and one was killed and the other severely wounded, but he was okay. He got counseling, etc. to help deal with it before he came home and he thought he had dealt with it, but once the excitement of being home wore off, and things were quiet, he couldn't forget. He hadn't talked with his wife about it, as he didn't want to upset her- he kept it all inside.

He got some further counseling, alone and with his wife, and things are getting better

 

i used this extreme example to illustrate a point. We all have issues in our lives that colour our feelings and actions, and sometimes we hide them or even deny them to ourselves. simply saying that someone's reasons for not wanting sex are "excuses" is really unfair. why not try to find the reason behind the "excuse" and see if it can be adressed? isn't that another "duty" of a spouse? to be kind, supportive, paitient, etc. with your spouse in ALL areas, includig sex?

[OliveOyl]

 

When men start having to work THIS hard at home after a full day's work at their jobs, maybe THEN they'll begin to understood how much more work a woman has to do than a man - mentally, physically and in every other way. Maybe THEN they'll understand why her mind isn't on sitting at his feet all night, adoring him and telling him how wonderful he is and how lucky she is to have him. Maybe THEN they'll understand why most women are completely exhausted by the end of the day because she's worked her ASS off since 6 am trying to do it all - and working a full-time job, to boot. Maybe when the ONLY thing a woman has to do when she gets home is give the kids a bath because hubby asked her to, take out the garbage, change a light bulb or play with the kids while hubby makes dinner and cleans up afterwards - and HE'S the one burdened with all the mental and physcial chores that SHE used to be burdened with, maybe THEN she'll have more energy to feed his ego and make him feel special. But he'll probably be too damned exhausted to care, at that point.

 

Volunteering to give the kid a bath or read a story to the kids or take them off their mother's hands for an hour or two so she can bust her ass doing some other household chore is NOT DOING 50% OF THE WORK. It doesn't even BEGIN to scratch the surface.

 

Until men REALLY understand this, they're going to continue whining that they're not getting enough attention and that they're no longer Number #1 (and by the way - whose making HER Number #1 while she's busy folding your underwear, cooking your meals, scrubbing your toilet, packing your lunch, caring for your kids and working full-time to contribute financially????) And they'll also continue crying and moaning that their wives don't finish all this mental and physical work every SINGLE night by 9 or 10 pm and then throw on a corset and stiletto heels and give him a lap dance followed by hot monkey sex until the wee hours of the morning.

 

Men just don't get it.

 

To be honest, I don't think all these chores are what kills intimacy. For one thing not all of these things need to be dealt with at the same time. I never was focused on cleaning the toilets AND laundry AND cooking, and the other stuff at the same time -- even when I did work full time with a kid. There was a day of the week for toilets, another day to plan weekly meals, etc. etc. It's not rocket science. It's tedious, yes. But not everything has to be done at once. Intimacy should be a part of the day (and I don't necessarily sexual intimacy, but it could be) as much as cooking a hearty meal. Because true intimacy is re-energizing, refueling, and NOT a chore. It gives you the energy to deal with the day-to-day stuff. It's what it's all about.

[frozensprouts]

To be honest, I don't think all these chores are what kills intimacy. For one thing not all of these things need to be dealt with at the same time. I never was focused on cleaning the toilets AND laundry AND cooking, and the other stuff at the same time -- even when I did work full time with a kid. There was a day of the week for toilets, another day to plan weekly meals, etc. etc. It's not rocket science. It's tedious, yes. But not everything has to be done at once. Intimacy should be a part of the day (and I don't necessarily sexual intimacy, but it could be) as much as cooking a hearty meal. Because true intimacy is re-energizing, refueling, and NOT a chore. It gives you the energy to deal with the day-to-day stuff. It's what it's all about.

 

 

what you say makes sense to me...but this begs the question "how does intimacy (sex) become, for some, a chore"? if it supposed to be energizing ( and i agree that most of the time it is), why, for some, is it not?

[The Blue Knight]

what you say makes sense to me...but this begs the question "how does intimacy (sex) become, for some, a chore"? if it supposed to be energizing ( and i agree that most of the time it is), why, for some, is it not?

 

Frozen, when you can answer that question you'll have solved millions of marriage problems in one shot. I agree. It's supposed to be energizing but also the best relaxation there is in my opinion. Personally, I'd rather take my daily energy total and make sure it's there for intimacy with my wife and if something around the house had to wait till the next day, it can wait. That's being hypothetical somewhat, but my point is that sex and intimacy should be near the TOP of the marriage list, not at the very bottom IF someone has the time and energy.

[giotto]

Frozen, when you can answer that question you'll have solved millions of marriage problems in one shot. I agree. It's supposed to be energizing but also the best relaxation there is in my opinion. Personally, I'd rather take my daily energy total and make sure it's there for intimacy with my wife and if something around the house had to wait till the next day, it can wait. That's being hypothetical somewhat, but my point is that sex and intimacy should be near the TOP of the marriage list, not at the very bottom IF someone has the time and energy.

 

I have the answer: the other spouse has lost interest - for whatever reason - and doesn't regard his/her partner as important anymore. This is simply called "to fall out of love". And to be precise, I'm not talking about not caring anymore, just not caring enough. Care and affection are still there, but the love, the real one, is gone. Is there any other explanation? I can't find another one.

[The Blue Knight]

I have the answer: the other spouse has lost interest - for whatever reason - and doesn't regard his/her partner as important anymore. This is simply called "to fall out of love". And to be precise, I'm not talking about not caring anymore, just not caring enough. Care and affection are still there, but the love, the real one, is gone. Is there any other explanation? I can't find another one.

I always feel awful whenever you post giotto. But I don't believe in the fall in and fall out of love. That's Hollywood / Romance novel nonsense. I believe that we consciously choose to love or not too. We just think that we somehow "tripped" into love, but we are making a choice.

[xxoo]

Frozen, when you can answer that question you'll have solved millions of marriage problems in one shot. I agree. It's supposed to be energizing but also the best relaxation there is in my opinion. Personally, I'd rather take my daily energy total and make sure it's there for intimacy with my wife and if something around the house had to wait till the next day, it can wait. That's being hypothetical somewhat, but my point is that sex and intimacy should be near the TOP of the marriage list, not at the very bottom IF someone has the time and energy.

 

Sexual attraction may be a factor---and, no, this is not all a matter of weight and/or age.

 

For both men and women, the hormonal "lust" factor drops off after the first couple years with a person. For men, there is a baseline of constant "horniness" that will continue to keep sexual interest strong. For women, without the honeymoon era lust hormones, or the testosterone-fueled "think about sex all day, everyday" horniness, it seems easier to lose the sexual interest in a partner.

 

For women, imo, the important factor is overall intimacy. She may not crave sex every day, but if she craves closeness every day, she will make time, get naked and close, and allow herself to get turned.

 

Bottom line: it takes effort (action of some sort) for most women to get turned on, after a few years living with a partner. It takes no effort for most men to get turned on, even after years. It is better to understand the difference and accept them, than to expect our partners to be just like us.

[The Blue Knight]

Sexual attraction may be a factor---and, no, this is not all a matter of weight and/or age.

 

For both men and women, the hormonal "lust" factor drops off after the first couple years with a person. For men, there is a baseline of constant "horniness" that will continue to keep sexual interest strong. For women, without the honeymoon era lust hormones, or the testosterone-fueled "think about sex all day, everyday" horniness, it seems easier to lose the sexual interest in a partner.

 

For women, imo, the important factor is overall intimacy. She may not crave sex every day, but if she craves closeness every day, she will make time, get naked and close, and allow herself to get turned.

 

Bottom line: it takes effort (action of some sort) for most women to get turned on, after a few years living with a partner. It takes no effort for most men to get turned on, even after years. It is better to understand the difference and accept them, than to expect our partners to be just like us.

 

I agree that the overall "intimacy factor" is more important for females to be drawn to their men. Men can compartmentalize sex from other aspects of the relationship fairly conveniently. I accept what you're saying xxoo as a basic difference between men and women. I think this has more to do with meeting each others needs be it through intimacy, love, affection, courtesy, or simply helping out around the house. Each is important for the relationship to thrive and to grow.

 

When I do things I often do them because they are important to my wife. It doesn't matter if they are important to me. I do them because I love her and I want her to be happy and to be able to rely on me "meeting her needs" in whatever area it happens to be. Sex and intimacy are no different. It's a matter of putting the person you vowed to love first even when you don't happen to feel that way about them at that particular moment. It's an "active" mindset as opposed to simply becoming vegetative about that person. Acting lovingly to your spouse brings about more of the same in all other aspects of the marriage.

 

That "action" as you put it is to my way of thinking, is active positive cognition about the person you married, and dwelling on how much you desire them and want to be with them. Some days it doesn't feel as natural and you put yourself in that proper frame of mind and actively DECIDE to love them.

 

Also, keep in mind that while your ideals are probably mostly accurate, they are not always the case. I know of a couple where she's ready for sexual engagement three times a day and he would rather find excuses not to have sex. She's still hot so it's not a case of she's let herself go. So how does one explain that she's got more lustful feelings 24/7 after two decades together and he has pretty much zero libido? Most men would cut off their left arm to have a wife like that to be perfectly frank.

[The Blue Knight]

Sexual attraction may be a factor---and, no, this is not all a matter of weight and/or age.

 

I meant to address this in my last posting. It's fair to say that in "most" cases sexual attraction is there at the beginning of the relationship correct? What leaves giotto and other men utterly confused is simply the idea that if she was "into me" at one time, why isn't she into me today?

 

This of course is assuming that the spouse who is on the outs is still using good hygiene, holding a job, not abusing alcohol or drugs, treating their spouse with respect and honor in other areas of their lives, takes care of themselves, etc.

[xxoo]

Also, keep in mind that while your ideals are probably mostly accurate, they are not always the case. I know of a couple where she's ready for sexual engagement three times a day and he would rather find excuses not to have sex. She's still hot so it's not a case of she's let herself go. So how does one explain that she's got more lustful feelings 24/7 after two decades together and he has pretty much zero libido? Most men would cut off their left arm to have a wife like that to be perfectly frank.

 

I'm sort of like her in wanting frequent sex, except I don't have lustful feelings 24/7. I crave sex with my H daily for other reasons. Me initiating does NOT mean I'm already turned on.

 

Interesting that he doesn't want it much. Some men seem to need the challenge to be interested.

 

I meant to address this in my last posting. It's fair to say that in "most" cases sexual attraction is there at the beginning of the relationship correct? What leaves giotto and other men utterly confused is simply the idea that if she was "into me" at one time, why isn't she into me today?

 

Because that intial sexual attraction was largely fueled by "new relationship energy" ie: lust hormones, that creates horniness. It wears off. For men, there remains the normal daily horniness. For women, motivation from a place other than raw horniness is often necessary.

 

That doesn't mean she doesn't find him attractive. She probably still sees him as attractive, but no longer gets the sexual tug without something extra going on.

[giotto]

well, ok, we need to keep the good ol' intimacy going... but I though we (men) would get intimacy through sex... if women know that (and I don't think most do), then I just have to ask myself why it's happening...