Married folks: How often do you have sex?

[giotto]

If unhappy sex is coerced sex I'd agree with you giotto.

 

it's not coerced, but sometimes I get the feeling she'd rather watch a film...

[giotto]

What about an unhappy marriage with lots of hot make-up sex?

 

well, I have the first... how do I get the hot make-up sex? Do we have to have an argument first? Because that's not going to work...

[xxoo]

well, I have the first... how do I get the hot make-up sex? Do we have to have an argument first? Because that's not going to work...

 

I have no idea! Maybe a new direction to explore?

[maybealone]

it's not coerced, but sometimes I get the feeling she'd rather watch a film...

 

In my case it's not just a feeling, since anytime I try to start something I usually hear about the film he's in the middle of watching.

[casanovadude81]

I'm not married, but if I was I'd have a lot of sex. Just a very lot of it.

[giotto]

I have no idea! Maybe a new direction to explore?

 

Nope, because she is very skilled at not having any arguments, a bit like sex...

[Ursa]

Nope, because she is very skilled at not having any arguments, a bit like sex...

 

Maybe if she really let 'er rip, unloaded some buried angry feelings in a big long cathartic argumentative diatribe, she'd be unwound a little bit and get the urge for sexytime.

[steve38]

A little late to the party here but I will play. Me 43, wife 25. Together 2 years and have a 2 month old baby. Aside from the whole birthing interruption, wife is available whenever I want her. She knows if she isn't, eventually I will look elsewhere. It's a HUGE sign the relationship is breaking down and I made that clear when we first started dating. If she's not cooking dinner, i will eat out. Of course, I'm a gentleman and it will never come to that. But Thai take-out is always very yummy. Food for thought....hehe.

[The Blue Knight]

well, I have the first... how do I get the hot make-up sex? Do we have to have an argument first? Because that's not going to work...

 

Break something precious to her and that will get the argument going.

[Stillgrowing]

A little late to the party here but I will play. Me 43, wife 25. Together 2 years and have a 2 month old baby. Aside from the whole birthing interruption, wife is available whenever I want her. She knows if she isn't, eventually I will look elsewhere. It's a HUGE sign the relationship is breaking down and I made that clear when we first started dating. If she's not cooking dinner, i will eat out. Of course, I'm a gentleman and it will never come to that. But Thai take-out is always very yummy. Food for thought....hehe.

 

Do you know what your wife thinks about your theory/demand? My husband would, and sometimes still will, say things like that to me and I: a) think, "douche"; b) tell him as much; and c) he doesn't get any for a few days. Now it took me a long time to get to this place but even tho I acquiesced when I was young I still put a little mental tick into my "d" category, as in divorce. It built up a hell of a lot of resentment for me towards him that, frankly, I'm not sure we can ever get past. It wasn't the sole reason, but a big contributing factor. Maybe she's good with that, but not many women I know would be.

 

sg

[MissBee]

Do you know what your wife thinks about your theory/demand? My husband would, and sometimes still will, say things like that to me and I: a) think, "douche"; b) tell him as much; and c) he doesn't get any for a few days. Now it took me a long time to get to this place but even tho I acquiesced when I was young I still put a little mental tick into my "d" category, as in divorce. It built up a hell of a lot of resentment for me towards him that, frankly, I'm not sure we can ever get past. It wasn't the sole reason, but a big contributing factor. Maybe she's good with that, but not many women I know would be.

 

sg

 

People need to know who they are marrying. I know my stance on certain matters and would never marry a man who would talk like that or believes that way. It is completely chauvinistic and self-centered IMO and a turn off to me...but if other people see nothing wrong, hey.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think sex comes and goes, sometimes you do it more, sometimes you do it less.

 

I'd say our minimum for the last 14 years of marriage is 1x in 2 months. Sometimes we'll do it like 4 times in a week if she's just off her period and very horny. Average is probably 2x-3x a month. (I'm 36, she's 37)

 

Lately it's been sporadic because we've been on the brink of divorce. We went 6 weeks with no affection at all. Then in the last month we've had sex...uhh...3x or 5x depending on how you count it. 2 of the the times, I showered(condoms are so gross), came back and found her still naked...and we were back at it ^^ Soo, not sure if those count as separate or not.

[musemaj11]

Do you know what your wife thinks about your theory/demand? My husband would, and sometimes still will, say things like that to me and I: a) think, "douche"; b) tell him as much; and c) he doesn't get any for a few days. Now it took me a long time to get to this place but even tho I acquiesced when I was young I still put a little mental tick into my "d" category, as in divorce. It built up a hell of a lot of resentment for me towards him that, frankly, I'm not sure we can ever get past. It wasn't the sole reason, but a big contributing factor. Maybe she's good with that, but not many women I know would be.

 

sg

Your husband slaves away everyday for you. The least you can do in return is giving him sexual access that takes only a few minutes of your time. Besides, the fact that your husband wants sex from you everyday means that he desires you so much.

 

If you choose to divorce him and run with half his money then you are the 'douche'.

[Stillgrowing]

Your husband slaves away everyday for you. The least you can do in return is giving him sexual access that takes only a few minutes of your time. Besides, the fact that your husband wants sex from you everyday means that he desires you so much.

 

If you choose to divorce him and run with half his money then you are the 'douche'.

 

Nice chauvanistic assumption, but completely inaccurate. He makes just slightly more money than I do (barely registers across paychecks). I have the better retirement plan which HE will get half of if we divorce. I provide almost all the childcare, I do all the laundry, all the dishes, and the lion's share of the remaining chores. And how can you assume that even if I did make less I would "run with half his money?" I'm not the type of person that would do that. It's not a few minutes of my time as if I lay there like a hole to be used. It's my body, it's my emotions.

[The Blue Knight]

I think sex comes and goes, sometimes you do it more, sometimes you do it less.

 

I'd say our minimum for the last 14 years of marriage is 1x in 2 months. Sometimes we'll do it like 4 times in a week if she's just off her period and very horny. Average is probably 2x-3x a month. (I'm 36, she's 37)

 

Lately it's been sporadic because we've been on the brink of divorce. We went 6 weeks with no affection at all. Then in the last month we've had sex...uhh...3x or 5x depending on how you count it. 2 of the the times, I showered(condoms are so gross), came back and found her still naked...and we were back at it ^^ Soo, not sure if those count as separate or not.

 

Each act is officially separate in my book. So you're batting average is improved.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Each act is officially separate in my book. So you're batting average is improved.

lol, well its more like makeup for the previous weeks of dry desert

[commmitted_guy]

So, my questions for the married are:

 

-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now?

-How long have you been married?

-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married?

22 Her and 23 me. Married 12 years

Sex now is about 4 times a year for the last 2 years, This year we've done it 3 times and it's already April

When we first got married 3-4 times a week dropped off to 1-2 times a week after a couple months then a steady decline since then. Around year 5 I demanded we go to counseling, we did and things got better for about a year and a half, about 18 times a year but slowed back to 4-6 times a year. We've been trying counseling again for last 2 years but our counselor doesn't think sex is s valid need in a marriage and tells my wife it's ok to refuse me whenever she doesn't feel like it. Yet she tells me I am responsible for meeting all my wife's emotional needs. Now I don't even want sex with my wife and don't really care anymore. I've stopped going to that counselor but my wife still goes for her life issues and is still getting this advice.

[giotto]

22 Her and 23 me. Married 12 years

 

so, you were 10 and 11 when you got married?

[Ninja'sHusband]

so, you were 10 and 11 when you got married?

and had sex 3-4 times a week!

[Ninja'sHusband]

22 Her and 23 me. Married 12 years

Sex now is about 4 times a year for the last 2 years, This year we've done it 3 times and it's already April

When we first got married 3-4 times a week dropped off to 1-2 times a week after a couple months then a steady decline since then. Around year 5 I demanded we go to counseling, we did and things got better for about a year and a half, about 18 times a year but slowed back to 4-6 times a year. We've been trying counseling again for last 2 years but our counselor doesn't think sex is s valid need in a marriage and tells my wife it's ok to refuse me whenever she doesn't feel like it. Yet she tells me I am responsible for meeting all my wife's emotional needs. Now I don't even want sex with my wife and don't really care anymore. I've stopped going to that counselor but my wife still goes for her life issues and is still getting this advice.

32 and 33?

Sex is a need, sounds like a bad counselor. You guys should read "His Needs Her Needs".

 

Usually if a W stops the sex she's become emotionally detached from you...which is dangerous. She could find herself in an affair and rediscover her sexuality all of a sudden. You guys need to both meet each other's needs or its hard to want to meet the other persons needs. It's probably gonna be hard to get your W to stop seeing that counselor...but I think it needs to be done.

[StoneCold]

22 Her and 23 me. Married 12 years

Sex now is about 4 times a year for the last 2 years, This year we've done it 3 times and it's already April

When we first got married 3-4 times a week dropped off to 1-2 times a week after a couple months then a steady decline since then. Around year 5 I demanded we go to counseling, we did and things got better for about a year and a half, about 18 times a year but slowed back to 4-6 times a year. We've been trying counseling again for last 2 years but our counselor doesn't think sex is s valid need in a marriage and tells my wife it's ok to refuse me whenever she doesn't feel like it. Yet she tells me I am responsible for meeting all my wife's emotional needs. Now I don't even want sex with my wife and don't really care anymore. I've stopped going to that counselor but my wife still goes for her life issues and is still getting this advice.

 

lmao where did this counsellor get their credentials? out of a crackerjack box?

 

sex isnt a valid need?

 

40-50% divorce rate...the bulk of these divorces are due to either finances and/or sex....but sex isnt a valid need lol

 

Let me guess...this counsellor is a woman

 

Whats your plan?

[commmitted_guy]

so, you were 10 and 11 when you got married?

Sorry, I meant we were married 22 & 23 (her older) and have been married for 12 years.

 

and had sex 3-4 times a week!

When we were first married. That lasted all of a month or so.

 

32 and 33?

Sex is a need, sounds like a bad counselor. You guys should read "His Needs Her Needs".

 

Usually if a W stops the sex she's become emotionally detached from you...which is dangerous. She could find herself in an affair and rediscover her sexuality all of a sudden. You guys need to both meet each other's needs or its hard to want to meet the other persons needs. It's probably gonna be hard to get your W to stop seeing that counselor...but I think it needs to be done.

We have all the married relationship books regarding sex, "Red Hot Monogamy", "His Needs, Her Needs", "Sheet Music", "Intended for Pleasure", "Love and Respect", "Sex Starved Marriage", "Celebration of sex" and a few others I'm sure. She won't read them with me because she thinks I'm the one with the problem. It's funny because this same counselor is the one that recommended HNHN and a few others that affirm sex as a need in marriage. But in counseling sessions my wife says she hasn't felt loved enough by me to want to have sex with me. My counselor agrees and nothing changes. I feel like I do try hard to meet her needs but I think she has so much emotional baggage she can't see that. She's on anti-depressants for those issues which I believe is preventing her from really dealing with them. Those SSRI's are known to kill libido and the doc she is seeing for them has said she'll need to be on them for the rest of her life.

 

lmao where did this counsellor get their credentials? out of a crackerjack box?

 

sex isnt a valid need?

 

40-50% divorce rate...the bulk of these divorces are due to either finances and/or sex....but sex isnt a valid need lol

 

Let me guess...this counsellor is a woman

 

Whats your plan?

I honestly looked at separation in Jan of this year but we simply can't afford it. Besides our mortgage, that we are upside down in, we have nearly $70k in debt. I feel trapped and there isn't much I can do right now. I do still love her and want her to be happy but struggle with thoughts of why I should care to meet her needs if she doesn't even think mine are valid. I know we are going to fail each other sometimes in meeting those needs, we're supposed to say sorry and make it up to the other person. But when I tell her I "need" sex, she accuses me of being a sex addict (another suggestion by our counselor whom I no longer see). We're not even in the same book as what our problem is here.

 

So for now I get by with MB and fantasy; and trying to get our debt paid down. I'm hoping in the 5 years or so we'll be debt free she'll come around and I won't be tempted to leave. Some days I come home so bitter I don't even want to be intimate with her. That isn't a problem since she no longer allows me to initiate and she only initiates a handful of times a year. I haven't worked up the courage yet to refuse her, as infrequent bad sex is better than none, but part of me wants her to know the hurt and pain she causes me.

[giotto]

Sorry, I meant we were married 22 & 23 (her older) and have been married for 12 years.

 

 

When we were first married. That lasted all of a month or so.

 

 

We have all the married relationship books regarding sex, "Red Hot Monogamy", "His Needs, Her Needs", "Sheet Music", "Intended for Pleasure", "Love and Respect", "Sex Starved Marriage", "Celebration of sex" and a few others I'm sure. She won't read them with me because she thinks I'm the one with the problem. It's funny because this same counselor is the one that recommended HNHN and a few others that affirm sex as a need in marriage. But in counseling sessions my wife says she hasn't felt loved enough by me to want to have sex with me. My counselor agrees and nothing changes. I feel like I do try hard to meet her needs but I think she has so much emotional baggage she can't see that. She's on anti-depressants for those issues which I believe is preventing her from really dealing with them. Those SSRI's are known to kill libido and the doc she is seeing for them has said she'll need to be on them for the rest of her life.

 

 

I honestly looked at separation in Jan of this year but we simply can't afford it. Besides our mortgage, that we are upside down in, we have nearly $70k in debt. I feel trapped and there isn't much I can do right now. I do still love her and want her to be happy but struggle with thoughts of why I should care to meet her needs if she doesn't even think mine are valid. I know we are going to fail each other sometimes in meeting those needs, we're supposed to say sorry and make it up to the other person. But when I tell her I "need" sex, she accuses me of being a sex addict (another suggestion by our counselor whom I no longer see). We're not even in the same book as what our problem is here.

 

So for now I get by with MB and fantasy; and trying to get our debt paid down. I'm hoping in the 5 years or so we'll be debt free she'll come around and I won't be tempted to leave. Some days I come home so bitter I don't even want to be intimate with her. That isn't a problem since she no longer allows me to initiate and she only initiates a handful of times a year. I haven't worked up the courage yet to refuse her, as infrequent bad sex is better than none, but part of me wants her to know the hurt and pain she causes me.

 

this sounds frighteningly similar to my own story... sigh...

[StoneCold]

Sorry, I meant we were married 22 & 23 (her older) and have been married for 12 years.

 

 

When we were first married. That lasted all of a month or so.

 

 

We have all the married relationship books regarding sex, "Red Hot Monogamy", "His Needs, Her Needs", "Sheet Music", "Intended for Pleasure", "Love and Respect", "Sex Starved Marriage", "Celebration of sex" and a few others I'm sure. She won't read them with me because she thinks I'm the one with the problem. It's funny because this same counselor is the one that recommended HNHN and a few others that affirm sex as a need in marriage. But in counseling sessions my wife says she hasn't felt loved enough by me to want to have sex with me. My counselor agrees and nothing changes. I feel like I do try hard to meet her needs but I think she has so much emotional baggage she can't see that. She's on anti-depressants for those issues which I believe is preventing her from really dealing with them. Those SSRI's are known to kill libido and the doc she is seeing for them has said she'll need to be on them for the rest of her life.

 

 

I honestly looked at separation in Jan of this year but we simply can't afford it. Besides our mortgage, that we are upside down in, we have nearly $70k in debt. I feel trapped and there isn't much I can do right now. I do still love her and want her to be happy but struggle with thoughts of why I should care to meet her needs if she doesn't even think mine are valid. I know we are going to fail each other sometimes in meeting those needs, we're supposed to say sorry and make it up to the other person. But when I tell her I "need" sex, she accuses me of being a sex addict (another suggestion by our counselor whom I no longer see). We're not even in the same book as what our problem is here.

 

So for now I get by with MB and fantasy; and trying to get our debt paid down. I'm hoping in the 5 years or so we'll be debt free she'll come around and I won't be tempted to leave. Some days I come home so bitter I don't even want to be intimate with her. That isn't a problem since she no longer allows me to initiate and she only initiates a handful of times a year. I haven't worked up the courage yet to refuse her, as infrequent bad sex is better than none, but part of me wants her to know the hurt and pain she causes me.

 

Her being unresponsive is not a good sign... shes going to have to help herself but the ig question is...."does she even want to?"

 

you said you want her to feel the pain you feel....it looks like it may very well happen one way or the other...either you:

 

1) Cheat/have an affair....if it gets revealed she may not like this; and/or

2) Leave..... thats never fun; even when you hate eachother...go figure; and/or

3) Stay and stew in your juices...which will eventually translate into anger and resentment towards her.....and it will get worse and worse

 

notice the "and/or" at the end of every option..... that amplifies this

 

Lastly....you said that perhaps if you paid off your debt she may come around. But did you ask yourself if thats what you really want? perhaps it is but I can tell you its a bad look for her (especially if she actually does come around) that you may not be able to accept.... "oh my wife completely discredits me when things are tough but as soon as the money starts to roll she loves my life"......

 

..... your marriage would be a straw hut built on the sand in the middle of summer.

 

 

I am in a situation a little similar to yours (not exact)....but I refused to reduce myself to soley MB just so that I could "accomodate" someone who didnt care to accomodate me....

Edited April 11, 2012 by StoneCold

[giotto]

but what are the issues, CG? Why your wife feels not loved enough from you?