Married folks: How often do you have sex?

[commmitted_guy]

...

Lastly....you said that perhaps if you paid off your debt she may come around. But did you ask yourself if thats what you really want? perhaps it is but I can tell you its a bad look for her (especially if she actually does come around) that you may not be able to accept.... "oh my wife completely discredits me when things are tough but as soon as the money starts to roll she loves my life"......

Sorry, I didn't mean for that to sound like I think our problems are financial based. I meant I felt stuck where we are and I can't leave because of finances. We are not bad off, by any means, other than high debt. We both work full time, no kids, so it's not like we don't have money.

 

I am in a situation a little similar to yours (not exact)....but I refused to reduce myself to soley MB just so that I could "accomodate" someone who didnt care to accomodate me....

I know but I don't have a choice. I've dragged her to counseling several times and she is still unilaterally wants to control our sex life. My choice is either to put up with it or leave and I can't afford to leave, so putting up with it the best I can.

[giotto]

My choice is either to put up with it or leave and I can't afford to leave, so putting up with it the best I can.

 

yep, can't afford to leave and have kids, so I'm putting up with it too, until I manage to get better off financially...

[The Blue Knight]

22 Her and 23 me. Married 12 years

Sex now is about 4 times a year for the last 2 years, This year we've done it 3 times and it's already April

When we first got married 3-4 times a week dropped off to 1-2 times a week after a couple months then a steady decline since then. Around year 5 I demanded we go to counseling, we did and things got better for about a year and a half, about 18 times a year but slowed back to 4-6 times a year. We've been trying counseling again for last 2 years but our counselor doesn't think sex is s valid need in a marriage and tells my wife it's ok to refuse me whenever she doesn't feel like it. Yet she tells me I am responsible for meeting all my wife's emotional needs. Now I don't even want sex with my wife and don't really care anymore. I've stopped going to that counselor but my wife still goes for her life issues and is still getting this advice.

Was the counselor a lesbian and have his eyes for your wife? What the &%$# kind of advice is that? Sounds like one of those over the top feminist nut-jobs to me.

 

Committed, I assume you've seen a lot of similar postings here on loveshack, very much like your own situation?

[The Blue Knight]

We have all the married relationship books regarding sex, "Red Hot Monogamy", "His Needs, Her Needs", "Sheet Music", "Intended for Pleasure", "Love and Respect", "Sex Starved Marriage", "Celebration of sex" and a few others I'm sure. She won't read them with me because she thinks I'm the one with the problem. It's funny because this same counselor is the one that recommended HNHN and a few others that affirm sex as a need in marriage. But in counseling sessions my wife says she hasn't felt loved enough by me to want to have sex with me. My counselor agrees and nothing changes. I feel like I do try hard to meet her needs but I think she has so much emotional baggage she can't see that. She's on anti-depressants for those issues which I believe is preventing her from really dealing with them. Those SSRI's are known to kill libido and the doc she is seeing for them has said she'll need to be on them for the rest of her life.

 

I honestly looked at separation in Jan of this year but we simply can't afford it. Besides our mortgage, that we are upside down in, we have nearly $70k in debt. I feel trapped and there isn't much I can do right now. I do still love her and want her to be happy but struggle with thoughts of why I should care to meet her needs if she doesn't even think mine are valid. I know we are going to fail each other sometimes in meeting those needs, we're supposed to say sorry and make it up to the other person. But when I tell her I "need" sex, she accuses me of being a sex addict (another suggestion by our counselor whom I no longer see). We're not even in the same book as what our problem is here.

 

So for now I get by with MB and fantasy; and trying to get our debt paid down. I'm hoping in the 5 years or so we'll be debt free she'll come around and I won't be tempted to leave. Some days I come home so bitter I don't even want to be intimate with her. That isn't a problem since she no longer allows me to initiate and she only initiates a handful of times a year. I haven't worked up the courage yet to refuse her, as infrequent bad sex is better than none, but part of me wants her to know the hurt and pain she causes me.

 

You have all the right books. She's got the wrong counselor but I'm sure she loves her because she tells her what she wants to hear. My ex-had antidepressants and the only time in our relationship that her libido was lacking was when she was on those blasted things.

 

A married person who wants a fun, fulfilled, regular sex life with their spouse isn't a sex addict. More importantly, I'd think there was something wrong with you if you didn't want regular sex with your wife. You're in the same boat as a lot of guys here.

 

And there's nothing worse than sex with a partner who isn't really "there" or "pity sex." If it were me, I'd rather do without.

 

Do you have kids?

[StoneCold]

I know but I don't have a choice. I've dragged her to counseling several times and she is still unilaterally wants to control our sex life. My choice is either to put up with it or leave and I can't afford to leave, so putting up with it the best I can.

 

 

You can choose to cheat.... it'll solve the sexlessness (wont fix your marriage).....weather or not that is an acceptable choice for you is a whole other discussion

Edited April 11, 2012 by StoneCold

[commmitted_guy]

Do you have kids?[/i]

No. Her choice mainly but I am very glad we don't. We were even talking about the snip-snip the other day.

 

Speaking of which, she did recently go off her b/c pills. She said a friend of hers suggested her low libido could also be caused by her pill. She also was concerned about other health risks associated with it so she is going off for now. Even the years she was on b/c she required me to wear a condom (didn't want my 'mess' in her, even more so now.

[The Blue Knight]

No. Her choice mainly but I am very glad we don't. We were even talking about the snip-snip the other day.

 

Speaking of which, she did recently go off her b/c pills. She said a friend of hers suggested her low libido could also be caused by her pill. She also was concerned about other health risks associated with it so she is going off for now. Even the years she was on b/c she required me to wear a condom (didn't want my 'mess' in her, even more so now.

Well there's some truth to health risks with BC pills. No argument there.

 

Tell me you're kidding about the "mess in her" comment. Please tell me that's a joke!

[StoneCold]

Well there's some truth to health risks with BC pills. No argument there.

 

Tell me you're kidding about the "mess in her" comment. Please tell me that's a joke!

 

I have a feeling he isnt joking.... theres a lot of girls like that and they are usually the worst when it comes to sex. Not just because of that comment by itself.....the comment is more like an indicative indicator of their overall opinions towards sex all together

[commmitted_guy]

Well there's some truth to health risks with BC pills. No argument there.

 

Tell me you're kidding about the "mess in her" comment. Please tell me that's a joke!

It's not. The first time we had sex on our honeymoon she was on the pill and let me go without the condom. She jumped up and sat on the toilet. We've done it without a condom 2 or maybe 3 other times in the last 12 years.

I have a feeling he isnt joking.... theres a lot of girls like that and they are usually the worst when it comes to sex. Not just because of that comment by itself.....the comment is more like an indicative indicator of their overall opinions towards sex all together

Winner winner, chicken dinner.

 

It's her whole attitude towards sex. Which helps me to know that it's not me. For the record I always make sure she is satisfied, multiple times even, when we do it. Why someone wouldn't want that more often is beyond me.

 

I think the whole condom and mess issue has contributed to her not liking sex. I think she had a mild latex allergy so those years we did use them (before we switched to polyurethane) she didn't enjoy it long because of the irritation. She never told me just said she didn't like IC, which contributed to her not wanting it more often. Now we have that problem fixed (or at least a work-around) she already has the pattern set in her head it isn't going to feel good and to not like it.

[The Blue Knight]

It's not. The first time we had sex on our honeymoon she was on the pill and let me go without the condom. She jumped up and sat on the toilet. We've done it without a condom 2 or maybe 3 other times in the last 12 years.

 

It's her whole attitude towards sex. Which helps me to know that it's not me. For the record I always make sure she is satisfied, multiple times even, when we do it. Why someone wouldn't want that more often is beyond me.

 

I think the whole condom and mess issue has contributed to her not liking sex. I think she had a mild latex allergy so those years we did use them (before we switched to polyurethane) she didn't enjoy it long because of the irritation. She never told me just said she didn't like IC, which contributed to her not wanting it more often. Now we have that problem fixed (or at least a work-around) she already has the pattern set in her head it isn't going to feel good and to not like it.

Buddy, it's good that you realize this isn't about you. She's got some heavy duty issues. I don't know of too many women who are freaked out by semen. Most feel it brings them closer to their lover.

 

If my wife was that turned off by semen, we'd have a problem and it would be dealt with. Bodily fluid contact does work both ways. Is she hung up on saliva as well?

 

What it sounds like is she just creates barriers that give her convenient excuses not to engage in sex. I'm afraid to even endeavor into where she's at with oral. No need to share that. It may be too personal.

[Danie]

As I sit and think about this question, and the implications of the question…I wonder why is the frequency of sex considered an indicator of the health of a marriage? My marriage is far from sexless and it’s far from healthy right now.

 

My husband and I have sex about 4-5 times a week, mostly always initiated by me...but he’s into it as his actions show me that he is…however, I sometimes think that I’d rather be single without this fine man laying next to me every night rather than being married to this fine man who isn’t interested in initiating sex with me. Crazy, huh?

 

From my perspective I’d say that the frequency of sex isn’t a true indicator of a healthy marriage. Believe me there is much more to a healthy marriage than this.

[The Blue Knight]

As I sit and think about this question, and the implications of the question…I wonder why is the frequency of sex considered an indicator of the health of a marriage? My marriage is far from sexless and it’s far from healthy right now.

 

My husband and I have sex about 4-5 times a week, mostly always initiated by me...but he’s into it as his actions show me that he is…however, I sometimes think that I’d rather be single without this fine man laying next to me every night rather than being married to this fine man who isn’t interested in initiating sex with me. Crazy, huh?

 

From my perspective I’d say that the frequency of sex isn’t a true indicator of a healthy marriage. Believe me there is much more to a healthy marriage than this.

 

Unless both spouses agree that they have limited libidos and sex isn't important to either of them, it's one of the BIG 3 for marriage breakups.

 

Committed Guy is describing a wife who can't even come into contact with his semen. Now that's a bit weird don't you think?

 

I was in the same situation you are always having to initiate. That gets really old very quickly. But your husband was like my wife. A willing partner if I got it going. Compared to a lot of peoples issues here on loveshack, you and I have it pretty good.

 

For you it's not a huge deal Danie because you're getting sex 4-5 times a week so it's not even something on your daily radar. For Committed Guy it's an enormous deal because he's partaking in it rarely if ever.

[Danie]

Unless both spouses agree that they have limited libidos and sex isn't important to either of them, it's one of the BIG 3 for marriage breakups.

 

Committed Guy is describing a wife who can't even come into contact with his semen. Now that's a bit weird don't you think?

 

I was in the same situation you are always having to initiate. That gets really old very quickly. But your husband was like my wife. A willing partner if I got it going. Compared to a lot of peoples issues here on loveshack, you and I have it pretty good.

 

For you it's not a huge deal Danie because you're getting sex 4-5 times a week so it's not even something on your daily radar. For Committed Guy it's an enormous deal because he's partaking in it rarely if ever.

True. I have to say that I should thank my lucky stars that I have my sexual needs met and not rejected. Oh, that would totally kill the relationship for me…I honestly would have to leave the marriage if it came to that.

 

I wasn’t really speaking of Committed-guy in particular just thinking about the whole marriage/sex/happy thing.

 

Committed guy…I don’t know if this translates to your wife but for me sex is a very emotionally vulnerable time…where my whole being is very open to whatever is floating around in the air around us…and until I met my husband and worked through some of my own sexual issues sex wasn’t something I enjoyed as much as I do now. I’m sorry if it’s been asked but would she consider counseling?

[The Blue Knight]

True. I have to say that I should thank my lucky stars that I have my sexual needs met and not rejected. Oh, that would totally kill the relationship for me…I honestly would have to leave the marriage if it came to that.

 

And allow me to compliment you for that. Most women, even those in healthy marriages aren't initiating sex 4 to 5 times a week. The married men of loveshack bow to you.

[Danie]

And allow me to compliment you for that. Most women, even those in healthy marriages aren't initiating sex 4 to 5 times a week. The married men of loveshack bow to you.

 

lol...yea, but sometimes I think I must be a freak or something...very not normal, I guess. But I am who I am...I wonder if I put too much pressure on him and that's why things are they way they are? Or maybe not. Maybe I just over think it all way too much.

[StoneCold]

As I sit and think about this question, and the implications of the question…I wonder why is the frequency of sex considered an indicator of the health of a marriage? My marriage is far from sexless and it’s far from healthy right now.

 

My husband and I have sex about 4-5 times a week, mostly always initiated by me...but he’s into it as his actions show me that he is…however, I sometimes think that I’d rather be single without this fine man laying next to me every night rather than being married to this fine man who isn’t interested in initiating sex with me. Crazy, huh?

 

From my perspective I’d say that the frequency of sex isn’t a true indicator of a healthy marriage. Believe me there is much more to a healthy marriage than this.

 

 

See Danie this is part of the problem.... people bring up sex and others interpret it like its the only indicator of a successful marriage..... "well sex isnt everything"...they say... but the problem is nobody is saying its "everything"....but it is something....

 

Also note the you are getting sex 4-5 times a week..... ask yourself what effect there would be on you if you were in the OPs shoes of 4-5 times a year (If hes lucky)

[The Blue Knight]

lol...yea, but sometimes I think I must be a freak or something...very not normal, I guess. But I am who I am...I wonder if I put too much pressure on him and that's why things are they way they are? Or maybe not. Maybe I just over think it all way too much.

 

Well considering the number of frustrated married females who I've seen post here about their whiny husbands who have no libido; who have no energy; who have no interest in their wives come night time, your hubby must be a far more complete package if he's participating.

[Lexygirl]

OP, I just want to mention that SSRIs are not the only anti-depressants that work on depression. YOu should talk to your wife about asking her doctor for a different type of anti-depressant. This might really help the libido part (not that aversion to sperm of course)

I suffer from depression and OCD and in the past my OCD has been out of control so I had to take huge doses of SSRIs for it. My sex drive and weight gain were bad. BUT now my OCD is kind of under control and the depression is the biggest hurdle so I opted for a different type of anti-depressant and my sex drive is above average now.

The anti-depressant I'm on now is called Cymbalta.

 

I just wanted to mention this for an FYI.

 

Carry on.

lol

[musemaj11]

Nice chauvanistic assumption, but completely inaccurate. He makes just slightly more money than I do (barely registers across paychecks). I have the better retirement plan which HE will get half of if we divorce. I provide almost all the childcare, I do all the laundry, all the dishes, and the lion's share of the remaining chores. It's not a few minutes of my time as if I lay there like a hole to be used. It's my body, it's my emotions.

In that case then I guess your husband is a douche.

 

And how can you assume that even if I did make less I would "run with half his money?" I'm not the type of person that would do that.

Ya well, every woman says she is not 'that type of woman'.

[Danie]

I feel like I lied to you all… my mind was wondering last night as I cooking dinner I realized that my account of me initiating sex 4-5 times a week sounds a bit inflated so I had to really think about it over the long term. Many, many weeks it’s that but other weeks its less. I guess it really depends on how either of us are feeling (sick, pregnant, etc.) and depends on our availability to one another (business travel). I’m glad I participated in this thread and heard the ‘be thankful’ chime. Yes I am thankful.

 

 

Ya well, every woman says she is not 'that type of woman'.

 

I’m not that type of woman. When we separated I didn’t want anything from him and I told him he could take anything from the house he needed. The way I see it is that 1) things are just things and things can always be replaced. I didn’t want those *things* I wanted him. 2) I’m a big girl. I can and will take care of myself and my kids with our without him. Heaven forbid he get hurt and can’t work anymore…well, I’m the type of woman who will do what I need to do to take care of my family…so if that happened I’d need to have the ability to maintain our family without his income. Therefore, I have always lived my life with the understanding that I need to be self-sufficient.

[lookinforluvin]

we were married when we were 25 & 26. frequency was several times a week. I had a 20 yr career in the Navy, so 6 months of no contact was part of the deal. I stopped deploying after 10 yrs, and frequency declined steadily. I'm now 44, and we haven't had any intimate contact of any sort in at least five years, may be as long as six. I know in the 2002-2006 time frame there were at least 2 times we went over 365 days, and at least once where we went longer than a calendar year. we are still married, but only in the legal sense. I don't think anyone would call what we ahve a marriage, more like a civil domestic partnership for the purpose of raising children.

[BetheButterfly]

 

So, my questions for the married are:

 

-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now?

-How long have you been married?

-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married?

 

- I got married for the second time at age 34, and am still 34

- married for 8 months

- have sex at least once every day, except for when I'm in my period or am not feeling good, or when he is working out of town

 

- Before this, I got married for the first time at age 23 (I was a virgin)

- was married for almost 5 years

- had sex most everyday (except for when he was gone), including on my period and sometimes when I was not feeling good some of my experiences were unpleasant.

- 6 years passed before I got married again, to a wonderful man who loves me and who is very sensitive to how I am feeling, for which I am grateful!

[Hopeles]

married at age 22 now 28 and wishing for a divorce because we have sex maybe once every 6 months and at one point went 3 years without any sex. Just not sure how to end it because of kids.

[The Blue Knight]

we were married when we were 25 & 26. frequency was several times a week. I had a 20 yr career in the Navy, so 6 months of no contact was part of the deal. I stopped deploying after 10 yrs, and frequency declined steadily. I'm now 44, and we haven't had any intimate contact of any sort in at least five years, may be as long as six. I know in the 2002-2006 time frame there were at least 2 times we went over 365 days, and at least once where we went longer than a calendar year. we are still married, but only in the legal sense. I don't think anyone would call what we ahve a marriage, more like a civil domestic partnership for the purpose of raising children.

 

Is there a reason you haven't had a sit down discussion about this? Seems awfully strange to just grow apart without someone protesting a lack of intimacy.

[FredRutherford]

Bumping to keep from "expiring." Interesting topic.