Married folks: How often do you have sex?

November 13, 2011

I always feel awful whenever you post giotto. But I don't believe in the fall in and fall out of love. That's Hollywood / Romance novel nonsense. I believe that we consciously choose to love or not too. We just think that we somehow "tripped" into love, but we are making a choice.

you are disregarding feelings for a logical/rational approach... I don't really believe we make a conscious decision to love. Well, I never did.

November 14, 2011

you are disregarding feelings for a logical/rational approach... I don't really believe we make a conscious decision to love. Well, I never did.

You'd have to read Gary Smalley's book "Love is a Decision" to understand where I'm coming from. When we take ownership of our feelings and our emotions rather than letting them guide us (as just about everyone does), we ultimately decide who we choose to love. Unfortunately people just don't grasp this fact due to the "falling in love" propaganda that plagues our society. Additionally, feelings are flighty and unstable and emotions change from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. It's the staying power of the love decision (active not passive) that allows for relationships to continue growing in a healthy way. But, as I'm sure you're aware my friend. Two people in a marriage have to accept that concept for it to be of value.

November 14, 2011

You'd have to read Gary Smalley's book "Love is a Decision" to understand where I'm coming from. When we take ownership of our feelings and our emotions rather than letting them guide us (as just about everyone does), we ultimately decide who we choose to love. Unfortunately people just don't grasp this fact due to the "falling in love" propaganda that plagues our society. Additionally, feelings are flighty and unstable and emotions change from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. It's the staying power of the love decision (active not passive) that allows for relationships to continue growing in a healthy way. But, as I'm sure you're aware my friend. Two people in a marriage have to accept that concept for it to be of value.

I don't think many people can "decide" and rationalise. I'm happy for you, but if your statements were true, we would live in much more stable society, albeit pretty boring...

November 14, 2011

I don't think many people can "decide" and rationalise. I'm happy for you, but if your statements were true, we would live in much more stable society, albeit pretty boring...

Maybe I'm confusing you in how I'm presenting this subject.

The point is that we have the capacity and the wherewithal to do so giotto. That's not to say that most people realize this fact, because in truth, they don't realize that they are the decision makers in whom they love most of the time.

The reason marriages are in trouble is because so many have bought into this fallacy of "falling in and out of love" vs. knowing that one has the power and the ability to decide to love or not to love.

This also allows for the person who says that they are no longer in love to be "off the hook" because hey, after it . . these are feelings and they can't be controlled right?

I would agree with you that most people aren't aware of this, or even that they are making the decision to begin with without realizing it. In your case you've decided to continue to love your wife, despite the problems and the lack of love coming back to you. She loves you but isn't "in love with you." Maybe if a book like this was left lying around it might help her understand some things about herself. But truthfully, this book will help anyone gain insight into themselves and how they view love.

By the way, I'd prefer a more boring society. It's the lack of stability and stupid decisions that individuals make that get old for me day after day. Although it offers plenty of job security.

Here are some reviews from Amazon and B&N.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Decision-Dr-Gary-Smalley/dp/0849942683/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1321279390&sr=8-1

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/love-is-a-decision-gary-smalley/1101993067#CustomerReviews

November 14, 2011

With all due respect Blue Knight, I can almost guarantee with 100% certainty that DiscJockey's wife is probably doing 90% of the work in that household - PLUS working a full-time job. When her workday is done, she just goes on to her second job at home. While she's picking up the kids from the sitter's or daycare, she's already trying to figure out what to serve for dinner, mentally calculating if she'll have time to throw in a couple loads of laundry (babies, toddlers and husbands create a TON of laundry) between everything else she's doing, thinking about how she really needs to scrub the bathroom and can she possibly find time tonight to get that done?, hoping there's enough formula, baby food, and the makings for tomorrow's lunches to send with the kids to daycare (preparing what they'll take with them the next day is yet just another item on her already volumnous checklist), mentally calculating whether she'll have time to straighten up the kid's rooms as they've strewn their toys and things all over and it looks like a cyclone hit it, since she has a baby she also has to pre-prepare bottles with milk or fomula (and wash/sterilize those bottles FIRST if they aren't clean) and get them stored in the fridge...am I making you tired, yet? Because I could continue with the chore list that most women are faced with night after night after night after a full day's work, but I think you get the picture.

I think I can confidently say that DiscJockey is NOT worrying about all this stuff on HIS way home. He has the luxury of NOT having to worry about baby bottles and packing lunches and food shopping and bathroom scrubbing and cleaning bedrooms and scrubbing toilets and that kitchen floor that needs mopping - this stuff is NOT even on his radar - but it's almost a guarantee that it is for his wife. I don't believe for a second that on his way home, he's wondering if there's enough formula in the cupboard to prepare baby bottles for the next 24-48 hours, whether there are enough diapers to carry them through to the weekend, whether the kitchen floor needs a good mopping so the baby can crawl on it without getting dirty or putting something in his/her mouth that he/she shouldn't, if there's enough bread and the fixings to pack a lunch for the 3 year old (and both of them if they take their lunch to work), whether the bathroom is scrubbed, whether there's enough clean underwear and clothes for everyone for tomorrow, whether there's potatoes in the house for tonight's dinner, and so on and so on and so on. Yes, I'd be willing to lay money on my statement that most men are NOT burdened with all these thoughts during the course of the day.

Now most men think they're doing 50% of the household work because the wife might call on them to keep the kids busy while she's busting her ass cooking dinner or cleaning up after dinner while folding the third load of laundry for the evening. Maybe the wife will ask him to give the 3 year old a bath - but 99% of the time, it's the wife whose running the show and has to be the one to THINK of all these things - he just does what she asks of him and then thinks he's doing his share. Sorry, he's NOT.

She also works full time just like him. Maybe SHE had a bad day. Maybe SHE'S exhausted from her job and would LOVE to come home and lay on the couch all night, and be asked to do one or two simple chores (like keep the kids busy for an hour or give the kid a bath) while HE runs his ass off trying to do the REST of all the work and all the mental pre-planning that's required to run a household.

TRULY doing your 50% share (as men often claim they're doing) would INCLUDE worrying about the kitchen floor that needs mopping, the toilet that needs scrubbing, the food that needs preparing, the bottles that need to be cleaned and filled, the mountain of laundry in the laundry room, the messy kid's rooms that need straightening, what's in the refrigerator/freezer that can be turned into a meal that night, knowing to stop at the market because you're out of eggs, bread and potatoes, and the list goes on and on and on. Most men DON'T have this burden - the WOMAN does. Taking out the garbage and giving the kids their baths are little CHORES that a man performs but he's NOT running the household mentally and physically - he's simply doing chores that are asked of him.

When men start having to work THIS hard at home after a full day's work at their jobs, maybe THEN they'll begin to understood how much more work a woman has to do than a man - mentally, physically and in every other way. Maybe THEN they'll understand why her mind isn't on sitting at his feet all night, adoring him and telling him how wonderful he is and how lucky she is to have him. Maybe THEN they'll understand why most women are completely exhausted by the end of the day because she's worked her ASS off since 6 am trying to do it all - and working a full-time job, to boot. Maybe when the ONLY thing a woman has to do when she gets home is give the kids a bath because hubby asked her to, take out the garbage, change a light bulb or play with the kids while hubby makes dinner and cleans up afterwards - and HE'S the one burdened with all the mental and physcial chores that SHE used to be burdened with, maybe THEN she'll have more energy to feed his ego and make him feel special. But he'll probably be too damned exhausted to care, at that point.

Volunteering to give the kid a bath or read a story to the kids or take them off their mother's hands for an hour or two so she can bust her ass doing some other household chore is NOT DOING 50% OF THE WORK. It doesn't even BEGIN to scratch the surface.

Until men REALLY understand this, they're going to continue whining that they're not getting enough attention and that they're no longer Number #1 (and by the way - whose making HER Number #1 while she's busy folding your underwear, cooking your meals, scrubbing your toilet, packing your lunch, caring for your kids and working full-time to contribute financially????) And they'll also continue crying and moaning that their wives don't finish all this mental and physical work every SINGLE night by 9 or 10 pm and then throw on a corset and stiletto heels and give him a lap dance followed by hot monkey sex until the wee hours of the morning.

Men just don't get it.

And you would be, for the most part, correct. Except for missing the vital fact that there are some things my wife refuses to let me do, regardless, and the things she does and that I DO help with often cause a secondary reaction from the kids which results in turning around and then tending to their needs hence putting off what I was doing only to have to finish up later. Round and round we go.

Furthermore, if society was in a position to where I could obtain a full family supporting salary in the amount of time I have been out of school and she wouldn't have to work, then maybe we wouldn't have 'said issues'. However when I suggest that and attempt to go about it she then often laments about having to deal with both if she WERE in fact at home all day, at least at their ages right now. Add to it all a very limited job market. Not to mention certain wage requirements based on our debt and needs.

I guess the answer is either don't have kids. Don't marry unless only one person needs to work, or just accept that the marriage be ended/not have sex. At least while raising the children. No other way around it. And I am not even conceding we are sexless for the long haul, especially since we have had some very nice time togeather lately...much of which she initiated!

I get tired of feeling guilty about working a job I don't like just to keep enough cash flowing in and possibly having to take a second one soon, combined with being the less anal one about cleanliness and exact order somehow makes me a bad guy.

And I am not saying for a second I enjoy my wife having to work full-time and raise kids at home, on top of everything else. A job she also dislikes but keeps for the money.

Wish we could get more constuctive help in areas like this and others when it comes to managing 'life'. But hence, it's all about having this and that, which I feel like we have fallen into ( And we don't live all that extravagantly).

Btw- I never intended to complain and sound like I blame my wife for the lack of sex, especially given our circumstances. If I sounded like I did then I apaologize for the impression. I was responding to the thread for purposes of helping the OP in the discussion.

November 15, 2011

I have noticed a common pattern, and I'm wondering if it's just a coincidence amongst my friends or if there's more to it.

My friends who were in their early- to mid-20's when they married, are all now in pretty much sexless marriages or very infrequently (like, once every month or two), and have been since their late 20's. This is true regardless of whether they have children or not.

My friends who were in their late-20's to early-30's (or later) when they married, are all still very sexually active with one another, also regardless of whether they have children or not.

So, my questions for the married are:

-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now?
-How long have you been married?
-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married?

I was 31 and she was 34 when we got married. We've been married 17 years.

We probably do it twice a week. But, sometimes we'll go a couple of months without and sometimes we might do it every day for a week. It just depends on how we feel. She almost never refuses me, but, rarely initiates it. So it is almost always when I feel like it.

We probably didn't do it so much in the years after our daughters were born because we were very busy with jobs, two toddlers and me going to Grad School. Now that the girls are young teens, we have more time to ourselves.

November 16, 2011

this thread is old - but I'm still answering in hopes that it will help someone.

-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now? 21 - now 45, hubby is 49

-How long have you been married? 24 years

-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married? 6 times a week - we're empty nesters and it's a lot easier when no one is around and yes it's couch, kitchen table, hot tub sex.

When the kids were home - 2 times a week maybe? I don't know but it was a power struggle between us - he was controlling and it was the only thing I had. We both knew there was something wrong but never addressed it out loud. Was probably one of the reasons for my A: I felt powerless in my marriage and chose to deal with it in the worst possible way.

It makes me think though - why WOULDN'T a woman choose to have an orgasm every single day?

Also, we are in very good shape physically and comfortable with our bodies. This helps matters too.

November 17, 2011

-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now?

27 When Married. 29 now. Wife was 24 when we married she is 26 now.

-How long have you been married?

Been Married a little over 2.5 years.

-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married?

2-3 times a week when first married. Still around 2 times a week. Very satisfied as it is, though wife has a higher libido than me.

November 17, 2011

-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now?
-How long have you been married?
-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married?

When we got married, I was 30 and she was 25.

Now, I'm 35 and she's 30.

When we first got married, we were doing it like lagomorphs. Three times a week, perhaps, sometimes more than once a day.

Now we're on the Only When She Feels Like It schedule. She generally feels like it about once a month, unless there are special circumstances. (The list of special circumstances runs a couple of miles long: She's too full, she's too tired, she's too lazy...)

November 17, 2011

Married 15 years, I'm 46 and she is 42.

Lots of sex for the first 5 years ( 4 - 6 times per week)

none for the last 11 years - not once since December 31st 1999.

Just separated a few months ago. Loved her dearly but finally couldn't live without intimacy anymore - saddest day of my life when i left.

November 18, 2011

this thread is old - but I'm still answering in hopes that it will help someone.
-How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now? 21 - now 45, hubby is 49
-How long have you been married? 24 years
-How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married? 6 times a week - we're empty nesters and it's a lot easier when no one is around and yes it's couch, kitchen table, hot tub sex.
When the kids were home - 2 times a week maybe? I don't know but it was a power struggle between us - he was controlling and it was the only thing I had. We both knew there was something wrong but never addressed it out loud. Was probably one of the reasons for my A: I felt powerless in my marriage and chose to deal with it in the worst possible way.
It makes me think though - why WOULDN'T a woman choose to have an orgasm every single day?
Also, we are in very good shape physically and comfortable with our bodies. This helps matters too.

Congrats! Six times a week! I hope it's that way for all empty nesters.

November 18, 2011

Married 15 years, I'm 46 and she is 42.
Lots of sex for the first 5 years ( 4 - 6 times per week)
none for the last 11 years - not once since December 31st 1999.
Just separated a few months ago. Loved her dearly but finally couldn't live without intimacy anymore - saddest day of my life when i left.

Okay, I'll bite. I have to ask since you posted an exact date. What happened on 12/31/99 that changed things?

November 18, 2011

this thread is old - but I'm still answering in hopes that it will help someone.

Threads never get too old, IMHO. Post away. That's why they're (and we're) here.

I don't know but it was a power struggle between us - he was controlling and it was the only thing I had.

That's interesting.

Perhaps my wife's witholding is bec. of her wanting to "control" things.

As she's older than me (3-4 yrs.), and in a more presitigious occupation, I'm not the breadwinner, so I don't really have any "control" in this relationship.

Have posted my experience, but we have been married since mid-1990s.

November 18, 2011

Perhaps my wife's witholding is bec. of her wanting to "control" things.

Floridaman, are you seriously only considering this now? It's written all over the place!!!

When I read your posts, I want to scream at you and shake you and tell you to grow some! I find it unbelievable to read how your wife plays you when it comes to sex. It's pure manipulation.

You should read the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book.

Unless a woman has really bad health issues, there is no reason for her not to have regular sex with her partner in a committed relationship. And the same is valid for men.

November 21, 2011

Originally Posted by Floridaman
Perhaps my wife's witholding is bec. of her wanting to "control" things.

Floridaman, are you seriously only considering this now? It's written all over the place!!!
When I read your posts, I want to scream at you and shake you and tell you to grow some! I find it unbelievable to read how your wife plays you when it comes to sex. It's pure manipulation.
You should read the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book.

Unless a woman has really bad health issues, there is no reason for her not to have regular sex with her partner in a committed relationship. And the same is valid for men.

Okay, you've read my threads.

Of course, she's controlling me through witholding. Am trying to overcome that and turn this ship around.

Will take a look at the book you recommend.

November 24, 2011

If you live in a sexless marriage or feel like sex is denied go visit experienceproject.com and read stories. It will give you great insight that this problem can hardly ever be fixed.

November 29, 2011

When we got married I would say 3 times a week. Over the last year probably 6 times a month on average. We did it twice in the last two nights, and had a 10 day dry spell before that. I used to let dry spells bother me, but I really don't anymore (at least I try really hard not to), it works so much better for me when there is no pressure or need to have it on a regular basis.

December 8, 2011

I got married in May 2009 at just turned 22. My wife was a late 23 at the time.

Last time I made love to my wife was October 2009.

I love my wife very much and would never cheat on her, but the lack of sexual attention hasn't been easy and feels unnatural in the relationship. Throughout pivotal moments at the relationship such as our engagement or on our wedding night, we never had sex, nor do we have on anniversaries, birthdays or anything like Christmas or New Year.

All I can assume is that the problems stem from her being drugged and raped (she can only remember being played with) by a guy she was dating very briefly about 9 years ago.

When we first started dating she told me she had had a sexual relationship with a woman previously. At this time she was bisexual and open about it, but since then it was just because she was curious and has become a taboo to talk about at all.

Throughout our relationship there has been long periods of many months without sex. She will however use a vibrator at 3am or so when she requires it.

I would love to be able to make love to her, especially in my prime, but the likelihood seems to be getting bleaker and bleaker nowadays...

Edited December 8, 2011 by comecon

December 8, 2011

We have sex roughly 2-3 times per week when things are good (wife is getting decent sleep, kids aren't pestering her all day, etc.). And by good I mean that I initiate everything & she willingly participates & seems to enjoy herself, just never makes a point of seeking it out.

When things were great we were having sex 7-8 times a week.

We will have dry spells of 10 days-2 weeks, which tend to drive me nuts but don't seem to affect her at all.

This is probably the most frustrating, I become agitated, easily irritated & end up working more hours & she eventually says she feels lonely & like I don't love her anymore/we're becoming disconnected. This culminates in 2-3 days of great sex then rinse & repeat. I'm working on getting more used to this cycle, and try to deal with the dry spells in a more constructive manner (use this newly found free time at night to run or exercise) to clear my frustration level.

December 9, 2011

what you say makes sense to me...but this begs the question "how does intimacy (sex) become, for some, a chore"? if it supposed to be energizing ( and i agree that most of the time it is), why, for some, is it not?

Well I remember going through the patch of sex being a chore and a lot of it was because I felt like I wasn't being appreciated by my husband and he wasn't doing much to earn my respect. He was not enthusiastic about being a father and not helping out AT ALL with anything. Sure he worked, but wasn't making much. I was the bread-winner, I worked all day, did all the laundry, cooked, cleaned, the list just goes on and on. He also was displaying shady behavior after our first was born which proved him to be unfaithful. I became unfaithful later but that's a separate story.

December 13, 2011

I have really enjoyed this thread as it is not a topic people speak about generally.

H'mmm.. I suppose there is no real magic number to how many times per week people have sex. I would say it is about being able to block out other factors and being able to find ways of enjoying each other despite what is going on within ones life. Get that right and the love shared is what keeps people coming back for more intimacy.

Overall once sex becomes a secondary issue I think this is where problems can creep in.

Also, I reckon some people are just really horny a lot and it is best to find someone with a similar libido. In fact I was watching one of those late night programmes that talks about sexual techniques and the sex therapist person said that 'libido' is about ones sexual creativity. I had always thought of it as being a persons sex drive but thinking about it, yes, I can see the ties to sex really embodying very personal creative expression. The programme was really good! Taught me a thing or two about masturbation techniques that I had not considered previously.