The Blue Knight Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Thanks all for the insight. I had no idea really how bad things have gotten. Married at 27 / 28, been married for 7 years. The intimacy department has been rough for the both of us. I am and have always been the initiator. We had a daughter 4 years ago, but were down to once every few months sexually before we tried to conceive her. Went through a 2 year spell with no intimacy at all. Unfortunately I screwed up and had an affair. Been trying to work it out and fix things for the past year, but intimacy is still a huge issue. I think there is a lot of merit to some of the comments above, especially those about feeling emotionally drained as I suspect this might be what is going on with my wife. Or maybe she's done with me but can't end it for some reason or another. We have gone through a number of multi-month gaps, but have now settled into a 1x or 2x a month (maybe). I also generally feel like she really isn't into it, but may be doing it out of "duty" or something. I think despite stating she wanted to work our marriage out, in her heart she really doesn't. I honestly am not sure what to do about this particular circumstance. On the one hand I feel very guilty about everything that has happened and don't want to cause her any more pain - which makes it hard to bring up things that are bothering me, but if I'm being honest, what we're doing isn't going to work either. I also don't believe this is the healthiest thing on planet earth for her either, but I don't want to end the marriage yet either. sigh... Trust me, I believe a lot of men and probably a good deal of women would fall and have an affair if things were that pathetic sexually. If you discussed it and let her know your feelings and she still didn't come around and you finally slipped, oh well. I hate to sound hardcore about it but I've seen a lot of guys post here over the months who live practically sexless lives, and not by choice. If the spouse isn't interested in sex, then they can't complain when their spouse ends up cheating on them as far as I'm concerned. Secondly, there's nothing worse than the "spousal duty ****" and if that's all it's about my attitude is see ya later. Some guys will be fine with this I know. If my wife was doing it purely out of a sense of duty and not because she wanted to be intimate with me, I'd rather go without and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkPrince Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 We have alot of sex now. When we 1st met it was 5+ times a day. When we had our son, it dropped to twice a week. It remained like that for 9 years. Then I got my wife to put down the beer can and pick up some weights. She went crazy with it, gained a ton of confidence, and now we're back up to 4 times a day. But now it's better because she does things now that I would have never dreamed she'd do. Link to post Share on other sites
jayinblue Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Thanks for the comments Blue. Since this all went down, I've tried to be a lot more open about talking to her about it, but I'm not so sure how well that's all going. And I agree about the "duty" part. I'm actually totally uninterested if that's where its coming from - and honestly, it just sucks. I'm going to try to give it more time and some more counseling, but otherwise, I may have to acknowledge that we're toast, as I am not going to go for the next 30+ years on maybe once every other month... Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Well I remember going through the patch of sex being a chore and a lot of it was because I felt like I wasn't being appreciated by my husband and he wasn't doing much to earn my respect. He was not enthusiastic about being a father and not helping out AT ALL with anything. Sure he worked, but wasn't making much. I was the bread-winner, I worked all day, did all the laundry, cooked, cleaned, the list just goes on and on. He also was displaying shady behavior after our first was born which proved him to be unfaithful. I became unfaithful later but that's a separate story. Did your husband realize that he was acting the way that he was, or did he just see it as "I'm not getting enough sex?"... I sometimes wonder if guys understand that if a wife feels that she is doing way more than her fair share she may feel horribly unappreciated and that sex is just one more item to add to the list of "duties" she has to do in the run of a day...( "I worked my butt off all day because you don't pitch in and do your share...now I'm worn out and you want me to do WHAT? Right now, I'm tired and resentful, and you want me to feel intimate and loving towards you?") I'm NOT advocating that sex been seen as a "reward' for a husband doing his share , but rather that if a wife ( or husband too) feels appreciated for their contribution to the home and marriage that builds intimacy, which can often be returned and increased via sex...( I don't think I worded that right at all..I hope somebody understands what I am trying to say) I'm also NOT saying that every guy who's wife won't have sex with him is like the above example, but there are some who are ( and some women too), and maybe some don't even realize they are...it can happen so easily without even realizing it Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Just now read this thread, glad to hear from the people that have been married for many years!!! We are now in our 50's, married at 20/21. We have always had sex at least twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less depending on the kids. Always daily on our vacations. We now go on 6 vacations a year! My H just called to say "I want to make love to you when I get home", see you in about an hour. Link to post Share on other sites
jayinblue Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 I sometimes wonder if guys understand that if a wife feels that she is doing way more than her fair share she may feel horribly unappreciated and that sex is just one more item to add to the list of "duties" she has to do in the run of a day...( "I worked my butt off all day because you don't pitch in and do your share...now I'm worn out and you want me to do WHAT? Right now, I'm tired and resentful, and you want me to feel intimate and loving towards you?") I have honestly thought about this too, but sometimes I don't think my wife appreciates what I do either. I make double her income, and have somehow managed to keep myself mostly 8 to 5. I have some cases I handle on the side, but generally am able to keep weekends and most evenings open. I make dinner every night (which she doesn't eat b/c she has been doing weight watchers), I do my share of childcare and laundry, etc. I'm NOT advocating that sex been seen as a "reward' for a husband doing his share , but rather that if a wife ( or husband too) feels appreciated for their contribution to the home and marriage that builds intimacy, which can often be returned and increased via sex...( I don't think I worded that right at all..I hope somebody understands what I am trying to say) I'm also NOT saying that every guy who's wife won't have sex with him is like the above example, but there are some who are ( and some women too), and maybe some don't even realize they are...it can happen so easily without even realizing it I've often felt like this is the chicken / egg discussion but let me turn it around a bit. Both husbands and wives need affection, but possibly in different forms. The problem is when one is withheld, it causes problems with wanting to meet that need for someone else. I mean honestly, I read "been burned's" posts, and I'd go over the moon if my wife would be receptive to receiving a call / text like that, but instead, its something I feel like I have to walk on egg shells about which just sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Just now read this thread, glad to hear from the people that have been married for many years!!! We are now in our 50's, married at 20/21. We have always had sex at least twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less depending on the kids. Always daily on our vacations. We now go on 6 vacations a year! My H just called to say "I want to make love to you when I get home", see you in about an hour. Thanks for sharing. This made me smile a lot! Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 I have honestly thought about this too, but sometimes I don't think my wife appreciates what I do either. I make double her income, and have somehow managed to keep myself mostly 8 to 5. I have some cases I handle on the side, but generally am able to keep weekends and most evenings open. I make dinner every night (which she doesn't eat b/c she has been doing weight watchers), I do my share of childcare and laundry, etc. I've often felt like this is the chicken / egg discussion but let me turn it around a bit. Both husbands and wives need affection, but possibly in different forms. The problem is when one is withheld, it causes problems with wanting to meet that need for someone else. I mean honestly, I read "been burned's" posts, and I'd go over the moon if my wife would be receptive to receiving a call / text like that, but instead, its something I feel like I have to walk on egg shells about which just sucks. the chicken/egg theory makes a lot of sense...the problem is stopping the cycle, and some people can't. maybe there's too much resentment built up, maybe feelings have changed, who knows? maybe there's times when it not the fault of either spouse...maybe there's times when spouses simply can't ( or won't) be able stop the cycle...and if everything has been tried and nothing makes a difference, then perhaps it's time for both spouses to really re evaluate if they are where they really want to be... sorry you are going through this .... it sounds like you are in a really difficult place right now Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 JIB, It sounds like you both need a quiet sit down face to face honest talk. It was hard making enough time for each other back when the kids were growing up, especially when they played sports etc. It is so easy to put everything else ahead of making time as a couple. You have to realize that one day the kids will leave the nest, and if you haven't made each other a priority, you may not have anything much in common anymore. We developed a secret code that we use when we need attention from the spouse. It is a common phrase that you could say around anyone and they wouldn't think anything about it. But we immediately know what the spouse is asking for!!:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
jayinblue Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 BB, Thanks for the thoughts, they echo my own, so its nice to know I'm not crazy. We have sat down many times for serious talks, but unfortunately they don't seem to end up in nice places. I'm going to try giving that another whirl soon. Sorry for the threadjack all.. Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 *** Bumping **** to keep the thread going/ Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted March 14, 2012 Share Posted March 14, 2012 ....A lot..... Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted March 14, 2012 Share Posted March 14, 2012 (edited) BB, Thanks for the thoughts, they echo my own, so its nice to know I'm not crazy. We have sat down many times for serious talks, but unfortunately they don't seem to end up in nice places. I'm going to try giving that another whirl soon. Sorry for the threadjack all.. Jay, Have you requested you and her see a counselor? That's something I've done, though we haven't made the appt. yet. Summoned up the courage to recommend us talking to someone about our situation. Am curious how your wife handled it (if you've made such a request). When I asked her about a MC Saturday, she let me ML with her the next day, Sunday after church, and yes, methinks it was to avoid the marriage counselor. Edited March 14, 2012 by Floridaman Link to post Share on other sites
setsenia Posted March 14, 2012 Share Posted March 14, 2012 -How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now? 19 when I married, almost 23 now. -How long have you been married? Almost 4 years -How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married? About once a week. To some that may seem like too little, but I think when you're both working odd jobs and going to school full time, it's reasonable. My dad thinks people in their twenties should want it at least 3 times a day or something is wrong with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Stillgrowing Posted March 14, 2012 Share Posted March 14, 2012 met at 21, living together at 22, married at 26. I'm 43 now together 22 years sex in the beginning twice a day sex after moving in together 5 times a week sex after kids (12 years ago) and until now 2-3 times a week. He wants more, I could do with less. I would be happy once a week. He would be happy once a day. I think it's a decent compromise. We didn't discuss it, it's just all he knows he can get. Link to post Share on other sites
rainy day woman Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 -How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now? I got married at 27 and I'm 36; I've been married nine years. -How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married? When we got married it was between 2-4 times per week. Now it's about once a week but we have an infant who does not yet have an early bedtime. Once he starts going to bed at the same time our preschooler does we should have more opportunity. Link to post Share on other sites
Danie Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I have noticed a common pattern, and I'm wondering if it's just a coincidence amongst my friends or if there's more to it. My friends who were in their early- to mid-20's when they married, are all now in pretty much sexless marriages or very infrequently (like, once every month or two), and have been since their late 20's. This is true regardless of whether they have children or not. My friends who were in their late-20's to early-30's (or later) when they married, are all still very sexually active with one another, also regardless of whether they have children or not. So, my questions for the married are: -How old were you when you got married, and how old are you now? -How long have you been married? -How often do you have sex now, and how often were you having sex when you were married? We met when I was 21 and he was 30...I'm 40 and he's nearly 50. We've been married for about half of our nearly 20 yrs together. (adding: we have two teenaged children living with us and one 3 yo grandbaby- his from a previous relationship) We have and have always had a very active sex life. Depending on how he's feeling or how I'm feeling we are intimate about 4-5 times a week. As I understand it, statitically speaking, married people have more sex than single people. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 As I understand it, statitically speaking, married people have more sex than single people. The happily married ones....sure.... but the question is how many is that? (because the stats on happy marriages these days are dismal) Link to post Share on other sites
Danie Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 The happily married ones....sure.... but the question is how many is that? (because the stats on happy marriages these days are dismal) I believe the study did not distinguish between happily or unhappily married people. Actually, I recently read it in a textbook from McGraw-Hill publishing...I just cannot recall the book title or authors at the moment... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 I believe the study did not distinguish between happily or unhappily married people. Actually, I recently read it in a textbook from McGraw-Hill publishing...I just cannot recall the book title or authors at the moment... Yes, the stats include marriages having little to no sex. Married people still have more sex on average than singles (a lot of singles have no sex, too). The happily married ones....sure.... but the question is how many is that? (because the stats on happy marriages these days are dismal) Even some unhappily marrieds have regular sex. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Yes, the stats include marriages having little to no sex. Married people still have more sex on average than singles (a lot of singles have no sex, too). Even some unhappily marrieds have regular sex. yes, but I' d rather have no sex than unhappy sex... Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 met at 21, living together at 22, married at 26. I'm 43 now together 22 years sex in the beginning twice a day sex after moving in together 5 times a week sex after kids (12 years ago) and until now 2-3 times a week. He wants more, I could do with less. I would be happy once a week. He would be happy once a day. I think it's a decent compromise. We didn't discuss it, it's just all he knows he can get. Just curious... Is it a fullfilling sex life for both of you when you do have sex? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 yes, but I' d rather have no sex than unhappy sex... If unhappy sex is coerced sex I'd agree with you giotto. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 We met when I was 21 and he was 30...I'm 40 and he's nearly 50. We've been married for about half of our nearly 20 yrs together. (adding: we have two teenaged children living with us and one 3 yo grandbaby- his from a previous relationship) We have and have always had a very active sex life. Depending on how he's feeling or how I'm feeling we are intimate about 4-5 times a week. As I understand it, statitically speaking, married people have more sex than single people. If you're at 4-5 times weekly Danie, you're doing something right in that marriage. You're probably somewhere in 1% to 3% of all marriages with that percentage. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 yes, but I' d rather have no sex than unhappy sex... What about an unhappy marriage with lots of hot make-up sex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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