My experience dating a sex addict

[love4me2c]

Broke up for good today. I dated a Jekyll and Hyde for the last 8 months. He was this sweet, kind and generous man with me, but then he had another side that was kept very private. It was the seedy underworld of sex for pay, tranny porn, and craigslist. I loved the kind generous man. I hated the sex addict.

 

The red flags went up early in the relationship. I should have heeded the warning. I took his admissions about paying for sex in the past as him wanting to be open about his life and history. He told me he was done with that. I thought he was trying to build intimacy with me by being so open. Right there I should have just walked away. He was basically admitting to me he had a problem. I was just an idiot for not seeing it or perhaps DENYING it is more like it.

 

He used to like to talk about his past adventures in the underworld but I knew he didn't have many friends. I took it as him just wanting to share his life and needing to talk about it. I wanted to be his "best friend." Looking back, there was so much excitement in his voice when he talked about it. Never did he feel ashamed at all. Another red flag.

 

Now this part is definitely all on me. A few months into a relationship, he lied to me about meeting someone for lunch. He said he lied because he was afraid I would get mad. We got over that after talking about trust and honesty. Well, I guess I never did get over it. Because at that point, the constant suspicion started. Another red flag that I again brushed under the rug.

 

Now I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this and I'll explain my stance on the topic of snooping later. But yes, I snooped. Sure enough he had been emailing escorts on craigslist looking for oral and other stuff. I was so hurt. Now these were old emails by the time I found them. It appeared that he just sent requests for pricing, because I never saw any phone numbers exchanged or any further contact. Of course I confronted him and he said he just emailed them and that he never took it further. At this point, he started to allude to a problem with controlling the behavior of initiating contact but that he had never followed through. Why did I still stay?? I mean where the heck were my brains? I must have been under some kind of mind control. No I wasn't but I'll get to that.

 

Then the next time, yes that's right, NEXT TIME, his father was hospitalized. BF had been spending a lot of time away from me. Right there it triggered the insecurity I felt in the relationship. So I snooped again. This time, he responded to some girl on craigslist about going out the very night his dad was hospitalized!! My God! Then claimed that he didn't even remember doing it. Meanwhile it was in his "sent" email folder. So by now, I am just completely untrusting. I told him point blank that he was a liar and I didn't believe him anymore.

 

So his dad had been ill for about 3 weeks and his dad ended up dying in an unexpected way. Now at this point, there has been no real resolution to the issue from the email to the chick on craigslist. It was briefly discussed that he was going to become fully transparent. He said he wanted to marry me, he no longer wanted that life, he wanted to build a life with me. So I said, OK if you are going to be transparent, then we might be able to deal with this. I know, I know you guys are going to call me weak. You know what, I was. I admit it.

 

During the time that his dad died, I broke up with him. At that point, I became the bad guy. He said I was terrible. How could I do this to him in his time of need? I had no moral compass. I was the bad girlfriend.

 

Forget that all I ever did was love him. Forget that he was risking my health. I wanted to help him get out of this life he had lived for so long. I finallly came to the realization that it just wasn't going to happen. There was no helping him and I just could no longer stay. I had already lost all of my dignity in it all.

 

Well then I felt bad about my timing. Not just because I felt guilty for my timing, but I did love him. His persona with me was one of very sweet, kind, caring, and generous. So we get back together. I was still going to give him a chance if he was going to be transparent with me. He told me he understood why I broke up with him. That he was really going to prove to me that he was worth it. He was going to gain my trust back.

 

When everything died down from his father's death, he wasn't coming over as much. Then I started to question how we were going to rebuild trust when he wasn't coming around anymore? I told him he had to make a choice, either he's going to be with me or not. Of course, it became about me not being understanding about how much his family needed him now. Finally I broke up with him. Told him to come get the rest of his stuff at my apartment. I was done.

 

Then it was all back on me. I was selfish, unkind, lacked a moral compass, a whore (?). He claimed I must have met someone else. I mean it was really unbelievable. I could tell that he really felt this way. I have tried to reason how he could really blame me for all of this? How could I have been a better girlfriend? I guess not calling him out on his behavior is all I can think of. Things got nasty. We both said things we shouldn't have.

 

Next day, I started reminiscing about the "nice" boyfriend that I loved. Stupid me, I send him an email telling him I miss him. He came over, we had sex, and he spent the night. We didn't really talk about the status of our relationship or anything. We told each other we loved each other. He made a statement about how much he had changed. The way it was said was like he was going to be a better man.

 

So the next morning, I had to get up early. I look at his email. Tons of emails with other women on craigslist, ashley madison, etc. A nude picture of himself. A nude picture of another girl. Did I really think I wouldn't find that? Of course not. I've had a lot of experience with him by this time.

 

I wake him up. I tell him what I find. He says he wished I had told him first before looking at his email. I told him that he said I could look at his stuff anytime. So then he starts to say that he was going to tell me he wanted to date casually and see other people. I asked him why he didn't tell me that last night before we had sex? Then he says he wanted to have a last "hate f**k." Started telling me he hated me. Then said the casually dating thing was really just so that I'd find someone else and he could play the field. Like he hasn't the entire time?? Let's face it. He wasn't going to tell me anything. I know he wouldn't have. He was caught. He would have kept stringing me along.

 

 

By now he is no longer this man that I once loved. He's the other guy I hated. The sex addict. I write him this email going into how terrible of a person he is. How bad he treated me. How ashamed he should be. Then he texts me a picture of him kissing another "girl." I'll say girl, because she was no woman. Not with any class anyway. Then says "I've moved on." I tell him I'm going to tell his family about his lifestyle. I told him he is a loser. It just went downhill from there. Then he sends me a pic of this girl with her head in his nether regions. If a heart were to ever physically break, mine did right there. That was akin to the feeling I felt when I found out my husband cheated on me. (That's another story)

 

 

I'm sure one of the questions that you may be asking yourself is "what the hell is wrong with this woman?" Well you can read my history and see that I separated from my husband in Oct. Met my BF quickly afterward. I was already damaged. My self esteem was nil. I also think, subconsciously, I wanted to prove to my wayward husband that I could move on to a great relationship without him. So essentially, I wanted that dream. I held on for that dream. But I will not deny that I truly loved this man. The loving man, not the sex addict.

 

I've been crying all day, but I am glad this relationship is over. Glad is a much too conservative a word. This was the worst relationship I've ever been in barnone. I agree I let him, but how can someone be so cruel to another person? I never would have guessed the kind of behavior I ultimately saw at the end.

 

I was out of his league anyway. I am an attractive professional woman. I make good money and am very self sufficient. If you saw me and knew me from work you would never think I would have put up with this kind of abuse. I'm kicking myself because I did. You might even wonder how we ever ended up together. We just live in two different worlds.

 

Lessons learned:

 

 

Do not jump from one relationship to another

 

Had I not done that, I wouldn't even be writing this post. Jumping to another relationship when you just left one is just a disaster waiting to happen. Depending on how long you were in the relationship, you need time to mourn the loss. Time to look at mistakes you made and not make them again. Sure a new relationship tends to hide the hurts of the last, but you keep going into these relationships without any growth. Making the same mistakes again and again.

 

Take your time building a relationship with another person

 

Had I not allowed myself to rush into a relationship with this person so fast, he would have lost interest and moved on because I wouldn't have put out. That is exactly what I want to happen next time. I/YOU are in control of how fast/slow a relationship goes. If a guy can't wait to get to know you, then he doesn't really want to and will move on to... errr... "easier" pastures.

 

 

Don't feel like you need to accept people's faults

 

It is OK if you do not like something about a person. It isn't judging. It is YOUR life and you have the right to want what you want and have what you want. Don't let others try to convince you are being unreasonable. Someone else can accept their faults. You don't have to.

 

 

Trust your gut and stop doubting yourself

 

There is no one else on this earth that loves you as much and has your best interests at heart more than yourself. Loving yourself means trusting in your choices. Trusting in your feelings. Trusting in yourself and being ok with who you are. Therefore, DO NOT SNOOP!!! If you are at a point where you feel need to snoop, you need to end the relationship. Period. No need to confirm what you already know to be true. We are great deniers. We'll try to reason with ourselves that we have to snoop because what if it isn't true? Well I will tell you from personal experience, every single time I've snooped, it was exactly what I thought was going on. I could have spared myself the many months and knowing the gory details had I just ended the relationship and trusted myself.

 

 

Never get involved with anyone you suspect has an addiction

 

Again, we are great deniers. I think it is instinctual to want to connect with others. Some of us, like myself, believe everyone deserves to be loved. We overlook these things thinking we can help them. Or you may not be sure if they are addicts at all. If you aren't sure, do some research. Look at the symptoms. Unfortunately, I was so emotionally involved by the time I understood that my bf was the epitome of a sex addict. The only way an addict gets better is when they realize they must do it for their life, sanity and themselves. It is not until the addict hits an individual bottom that they will then seek recovery. SOME ADDICTS NEVER SEEK RECOVERY EVER. No one is going to change for you. No ultimatum will work. Just steer clear altogether or once you recognize your partner is addicted, then end the relationship. You will be much better off. Trust me on this.

 

Do not get back together with them

 

I suspect addicted people often have a Jekkyl and Hyde personality. This is my only and last relationship with an addict. Stop reminiscing about the nice guy. The nice guy is just a facade. The real person is the addict. It controls everything they do. It can make them cruel to people who love them. If you start to get in the way of their drug of choice, the tables will swiftly be turned on you. Do not fall prey to this. You did nothing wrong. They are the problem. There is nothing you did to get them to this state. So feel no guilt about leaving them. Feel good that you are in control of your own life and trust that you can make decisions to improve your life to include ending unfulfilling/abusive relationships.

 

 

Red flags

 

DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS. We all see them. Again, again, we are great deniers. We do not trust that what we are seeing or feeling is true. TRUST IT! When you start trusting yourself, just by doing so will bring more self love. The only way I know to start is to just do it! By having more trust in yourself you will feel more in control, powerful and strong. Not weak like you feel when you are hanging on in a bad relationship. The sooner you move on the sooner you can heal. Or you may not have to heal at all if you find the red flags early enough. In my experience, I see the red flags early on in the relationship. If you see them and they are non-negotiable, move on immediately.

 

 

If any of what I wrote resonates with you and you are a woman, you need to read "Women Who Love Too Much." I've read it once and my counselor thinks I need to read it again. I agree. Some of the lessons learned above came from my reading of the book and also from my individual counseling. I wrote this in part to help me heal from this and to share my story with others that may be struggling in a similar situation. Best wishes to all.

[njnyhm]

W O W!! I am RIGHT where you are!! I recently broke off from a woman who I believe is a sex-addict. She's had a VERY shady past, and during our whole relationship (where the sex was great, of course), she used to say that sex was great with me and that it helped 'calm her down.'

 

I'm in recovery and sober for quite a while. The woman in question has been sober for about half as long as I've been. It was SO CLEAR to me from the beginning that she was substituting sex for her 'original' drug of choice. And you know, lots of people do that. They look for things outside themselves to feel better, but they only get temporary reprieve. Sooner or later, you feel dirty through enabling their addictions, or you get hurt when they go outside YOU for their quick-fixes. The saddest thing is that these people only get temporary reprieve when they feed their habits. They can never truly excape themselves, and the cycle continues.

 

And of course, I've been wondering, "If I attracted this kind of person, what the hell does that say about ME and the quality of recovery I have?!!" I spent some time on the chopping block in my own head, until I started to take a good look in the mirror. Then things got better.

 

Let me tell you something; when those red flags go up early in a dating/relationship scenario, DO NOT IGNORE THEM. That pit-of-your-stomach 'Uh Oh' feeling is an early emotional warning sign telling you that something is WRONG. It's your body telling you that you needto GET OUT because the other person is NOT GOOD for you. LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS. And btw - cheers on having good instincts to begin with. Next step for you is to learn how to listen to them.

 

As far as sex-addicts: that kind of life often involves HUGE wreckage and harms to others. The universe has a way of doling out karma on all of us sooner or later. There's no such thing as a free lunch. We all pay the price for our actions sooner or later. And when any kind of addict starts paying the price, YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND. You do not want to go down with that ship; it can be brutal.

 

Meanwhile, go easy on yourself. You were in a very tough emotional state when you met this guy. I'm glad you got out of this intact. I've seen people suffer immensely and needlessly in similar situations. Spend some time on yourself. Get to know what your values are. In fact, I think you've already started to show yourself what your values are by leaving that pile of damaged goods who dares to calls himself a man. WELL DONE!!

[kcahs]

I kid you not, this sounds EXACTLY like what I just went through...EXACTLY. We must have been seeing the same guy..lol.

 

On-line porn, Craigs list, strippers, insatiable sex drive, super kind a loving one second and calling me the worst things on the planet the next. And you are right: The second you feel that you need to snoop, GET OUT. This guy was a total maggot. All I can say is GOOD RIDDANCE for both of us. All my friends would ask "What the heck do you see in that guy? You're way out of his league."

 

I never ever want be in a relationship for as long as I live. I did everything for this jerk. I could not have been a better girlfriend. I feel so terrible about myself for staying in the relationship for as long as I did.

[njnyhm]

Take it easy on yourself. You got out, and that's what counts. You know how many people stay in long-term relationshps with or marry these kinds of people?? You dodged a bullet. Be proud.

 

I kid you not, this sounds EXACTLY like what I just went through...EXACTLY. We must have been seeing the same guy..lol.

 

On-line porn, Craigs list, strippers, insatiable sex drive, super kind a loving one second and calling me the worst things on the planet the next. And you are right: The second you feel that you need to snoop, GET OUT. This guy was a total maggot. All I can say is GOOD RIDDANCE for both of us. All my friends would ask "What the heck do you see in that guy? You're way out of his league."

 

I never ever want be in a relationship for as long as I live. I did everything for this jerk. I could not have been a better girlfriend. I feel so terrible about myself for staying in the relationship for as long as I did.

[love4me2c]

Yeah that is the hardest thing to walk away from these types of relationships feeling like if you had just done this or that then he/she wouldn't do these things. Not true. They cannot control their behavior. It is a compulsion. Many if not most don't want to do this but are afraid to admit they have a problem. BUT that doesn't mean we accept that. It is healthy to have boundaries. I've learned recently to blame my boundaries more than my "feelings". I know it is just word play but it seems to stop the emotional part of telling someone you don't like what they are doing. Blame it on the boundaries which is more of a thing not a feeling. It makes it very hard to argue with someone over boundaries rather than feelings.