Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Disorder

[NewMoon2203]

People who are anxious-preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them."

 

People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed 'clinginess'. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious-preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious-preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships. Anxious-preoccupied individuals are more likely to experience jealousy. Anxious/preoccupied individuals are more likely to engage in too much self-disclosure, while dismissing individuals try not to reveal things about themselves. Anxious/preoccupied individuals are overly eager to make relational commitments.

 

People who formed an anxious-preoccupied attachment as an infant, by comparison, are more likely to be preoccupied with their relationships as an adult. Anxious-preoccupied adults are constantly worried and anxious about their love life - they crave and desperately need intimacy - but, they never stop questioning their partner’s love (“do you really love me?”). Anxious-preoccupied individuals are concerned that their partners will leave them. These adults are obsessed with their relationships and everything that happens in them. They rarely feel completely loved and they experience extreme emotional highs and lows. One minute their romantic partner can make their day by showing them the smallest level of interest and the next minute they are worried that their partner doesn’t care about them. Ironically, their need for love makes it easy for anxious-preoccupied individuals to be taken advantage of when it comes to love and romance, which in the long run can create even more suspicion and doubt.

 

To better understand Anxious-Preoccupied, imagine that you are engaged and that your fiancé is going out with his or her friends for the evening. Your fiancé says that he or she will be home by midnight and that he or she will give you a call at that time. Its 1a.m. and the phone hasn’t rung. What’s going through your mind and how are you dealing with the situation? How many times have you checked your phone to make sure it is working or how many times have you thought about calling your fiancé? Maybe you’ve even decided to go out and track him or her down. As an anxious-preoccupied person, you will be a complete wreck, having been up all night imagining the worst and most likely plotting some sort of way to get even. By the time the phone finally rings, your anger and frustration can’t help but show, whether through sulking or putting your fiancé on the defensive by asking accusatory questions (“How could you do that? Where were you? Who were you with? Why didn’t you call when you said you would?”)

 

In extreme cases of Anxious-preoccupied behaviour, the person may have a subconscious confusion between the definitions of love, care, and attention. For example if their partner does not show them attention all the time; then they may feel like they are unloved. This is because the subconscious mind cannot differentiate between the attention and the love. The mind assumes that because said person is not showing them 100% attention, that they cannot really love them. Consequently, this is what causes high levels of clinginess in Anxious-Preoccupied people.

Since the breakup with my ex-girlfirend, i have been seeing a therapist. And so, i recently discovered that I have this attachment disorder. And i HATE IT. Looking at the information i have been given about it, it looks like this disorder is the whole reason why we broke up. she thought i wa being too clingy, and she couldnt handle it. So i lost the love of my life all because of this stupid disorder.... The good thing is that, now its been noticed that i have it, something can be done about it. Well... it cant exactly be 'cured' as such, it wont go away, but im having sessions to try and cope with it better.

 

I saw a mental health specialist when i was very young, about 11, because even back then i had issues concerning my attachments to other people. But, my problems went untreated and ignored, and the excuse back then for my behaviour was ''hormones'' and a ''growth spurt'' or whatever! only NOW has the real problem been identified, 7 whole years later. I feel like this breakup could have been avoided if they had given me the help when i firt needed it, instead of blaming it on hormones. thoughts?

Edited May 28, 2011 by NewMoon2203
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[mickleb]

Since the breakup with my ex-girlfirend, i have been seeing a therapist. And so, i recently discovered that I have this attachment disorder. And i HATE IT. Looking at the information i have been given about it, it looks like this disorder is the whole reason why we broke up. she thought i wa being too clingy, and she couldnt handle it. So i lost the love of my life all because of this stupid disorder.... The good thing is that, now its been noticed that i have it, something can be done about it. Well... it cant exactly be 'cured' as such, it wont go away, but im having sessions to try and cope with it better.

 

I saw a mental health specialist when i was very young, about 11, because even back then i had issues concerning my attachments to other people. But, my problems went untreated and ignored, and the excuse back then for my behaviour was ''hormones'' and a ''growth spurt'' or whatever! only NOW has the real problem been identified, 7 whole years later. I feel like this breakup could have been avoided if they had given me the help when i firt needed it, instead of blaming it on hormones. thoughts?

 

Well done for seeking the help of a therapist when you sensed something was up. It's a brave move and one I doubt you will regret. As much as a diagnosis of something like this can lead a person to resentment, remember that this won't get you very far towards the fulfilment you seek. But you are right: the good thing is that now something can be done about it.

 

Everyone here has to learn the harsh truth of life that, ultimately, no-one else can ensure their happiness. But it is liberating once you grasp that your contentment is, in fact, entirely within your control. You need to do what all the broken hearts here need to do - forget about significant others and recognise the significance of yourself. Who are you? What do you like doing (completely outside of relationships)? What are your goals in life? What plan can you come up with that will help you to start working towards your goals immediately? If you want to follow your dreams, they are within your reach. Once you have a surer sense of yourself and have found contentment by yourself, you can start seeking a relationship that will enhance your life.

 

Your therapist will help you to examine the above, and what relationships you have had (especially in your early past) that could have contributed to the anxiety you now experience.

 

Good luck and carry on moving forwards.

 

x

[NewMoon2203]

Thankyou

 

The decision to see a therapist was, i agree, a wise one. However it wasnt a decision that i myself made. My mother pushed me into because she said that i wasnt coping like a "normal person" with the breakup. But, I wholeheatedly thank her for it. I wouldnt have done it myself, and i wouldnt have even wanted to know that there was a problem. My little sister is also now seeing a therapist, because she's exhibiting the same behaviours i was when i was younger, and they want to help her before she too developes this attachement disorder... I feel kinda bad that ive made my sister like that...

 

I'm trying my best to focus on "me-time" at the moment. Like you said, focusing on my goals in life and such. I'm putting myself more and more into my college work, but to be honest i think that' just because im using it as an escape... a distraction.

 

I'm trying my best to move forward, but its hard when my ex insists on remaining friends. The difference with us is that we didnt have some huge fight or arguement and then break up... she just decided that she loved me more like a friend than a partner. And as nice as it is that we can still be friends... its making it harder for me. I cant let go of her, of the memories of us. Ive tried talking too her about it, telling her that i need some no contact time, but she just got pissed about it (which really didnt help). So now i guess im lost. Im trying to move on, but at the same time i feel trapped.My therapist says that remaining freinds with my ex will actually be helpful for me in the long run... though i dont see how.

 

Anyway, thankyou for your kind comment x

[reimeivn]

Once you love somebody, you will be clingy to them to a certain degree. Sometimes when things happen and make us feel less secure, as we grow more attached to the person, we do tend to have that clingyness.

 

Some have more than other. Dont be too hard on yourself. There are people that can never love that deeply and that much, they can never be able to experience how love really feels like. So tell yourself, at least...

 

Its good that now you know the limit to your clingyness though. Next time you will be a better partner

[NewMoon2203]

maybe... but im sorta still holding out that we'll fix this relationship at the moment. i dont really want anyone else...