victoriaaa Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 My ex of 5.5 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We were still in contact until yesterday him trying to be friends but I told him to leave me alone as I couldnt take it anymore. I have cried every single day and miss him so much. I have been trying to get out and socialise but most days I just want to stay in on my own. How long will I feel like this for? I just cant see myself feeling better anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
heartbroken555 Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 hey, sorry to hear about that, its a very hard thing to go through, and i can vouch for that ! Heres what you need to do, you need to tell him to leave you alone unless he wants to work things out. from now on, you will go out, socialize and live your life and do a make over, buy yourself some nice new clothe, go on vacation, get a tan, and the most important thing: get a gym membership and go every day !!! Also remember to NEVER contact him.... it will only set you back.. trust me ! iv was dumped 5 month ago, and i just spoke to my ex yesterday, and it didnt help at all ! i keep going no contact for 1 month at a time, then i try my luck again with her, and i just feel worse after, or we end up fighting. so dont ever contact him, if he really wants you, he knows how to find you, and if he comes back, make him work for it, and show he is sincere. But dont count on him coming back, kill the hope, imagine hes dead. Move on right now, please dont be like me, or you will find yourself 5 month later still thinking about it all the time ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author victoriaaa Posted May 29, 2011 Author Share Posted May 29, 2011 Hey thanks for the advice. NC is the best way it seems. Very hard to do, I cannot resist the urge to answer the phone! This has been the second day we haven't spoken. I told him he had to leave me alone. He hung up the other day because I wouldn't check his bank account for him, then sent me a text saying "we tried the friends thing, now we have no connection at all". That made me angry so I just told him to leave me alone and that I didn't want to be his friend and I need to get over him. I did say it rather aggressively but he launched into a tirade of abuse via text blaming me saying everything I had done wrong and that he never wanted to see my stupid f*****g face ever again, as he usually does. It's like he really doesn't know what he wants, and its best I don't talk to him again or he will just get angry. As last time he said friends and we got back together the day after. But he seems very adamant on the break up. I can't help feeling sorry for him as I know he is lonely but it was his choice. He expects me to help him on his way to life without me like fill out college forms etc, as if I owe him something! Best I cut him off completely then see how he copes without me as his safety net. Probably look for another slave but I doubt she can handle it as long as I could Link to post Share on other sites
Bluebelle38 Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 Hi there I am not going to lie to you, it is a bumpy road ahead but you get through it. Do not contact him under any circumstances. You are your focus now, not him or reconciliation if that is ever possible down the line. I know you don't want to go out, but you have to force yourself even when you really don't want to. I am almost 6 months on from my break and I feel a gazillion times better... and like you I thought the misery would last forever. It really doesn't. Time heals, but keeping busy was instrumental in me moving on with my life. Surround yourself with friends and accept you are going through a nightmare... but you will wake up from it Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 Hi, sorry you're going through this it's good you've been making the effort to socialise when you really don't feel like it, keep it up, be with other people as much as you can and keep busy, but also have time to grieve and time alone. Try to be strong with NC, it's the only way you will move forward, occasionally some people can stay friends with their ex's and move on at the same time but it's quite rare, especially if you're missing them or want them back. There's no set time limit, all depends on the individual, what your r/ship was like, how long it was, how serious it was etc etc, and we all cope with heartbreak differently. For me, after 18 years with my ex, it took me 7 months of being extremely depressed and crying a lot of the time, just felt like agony and that I'd never come through it, never thought I would meet someone special again but I did, I started a new r/ship (long distance) 9 months after my ex left, but it would have been too soon to start a full on local r/ship. We all take different times to heal, you can't rush it unfortunately, you have to go through all the horrible feelings so you can come out the other side. I'm friends with my ex, but needed some time NC before I could do that. You will come through it though, if I can anyone can I still have sad moments sometimes but not unbearable ones, but we were together a very long time and it's not been 2 years yet. You'll get there, I promise My ex of 5.5 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We were still in contact until yesterday him trying to be friends but I told him to leave me alone as I couldnt take it anymore. I have cried every single day and miss him so much. I have been trying to get out and socialise but most days I just want to stay in on my own. How long will I feel like this for? I just cant see myself feeling better anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author victoriaaa Posted May 29, 2011 Author Share Posted May 29, 2011 Thanks for the advice guys. Def gonna go NC. It's his birthday in 2 weeks so it will be hard for me not to text! does that mean ignoring any calls or texts he sends as well? he is extremely dependent on me so I think this NC will do us both good. And I need to think of myself for a change! It is so hard not to hope he will change his mind! But I have read many posts of people in my situation and my gut instinct is always to move on....... Link to post Share on other sites
MT152 Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 Thanks for the advice guys. Def gonna go NC. It's his birthday in 2 weeks so it will be hard for me not to text! does that mean ignoring any calls or texts he sends as well? he is extremely dependent on me so I think this NC will do us both good. And I need to think of myself for a change! It is so hard not to hope he will change his mind! But I have read many posts of people in my situation and my gut instinct is always to move on....... Sometimes the only thing you can do is move on. I know it's hard, but you have to realize the facts sometimes. When you first breakup all you seem to do is think of the good times you guys had (The reasons why you were together for so long, etc) and through those thoughts you start feeling guilty as if you caused the downfall of the relationship yourself. Listen to me when I say it takes two.. Two to make it work or two to make it fail.. I'm not going to judge you if you text him on his birthday.. I emailed my ex happy bday because I still wanted her back. She was on NC with me and still messaged me back but it was all brief. Stay strong.. There is always the future if you want, but right now you need to get independence. I need to do this myself so I know it isn't easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 I am gonna try to tackle this a bit. I dated my exH for 3 years and we were married almost 2. He left me. NC is best... don't talk to him no matter how much you want to. If he texts don't respond unless its urgent... and really it better be damn urgent like he's dying and he wants to tell you he's sorry with his last breath kind of urgent. You are gonna feel like crap for a while. Sorry that's just how it goes. Take life day by day. Force yourself to get out and do things, force yourself to take care of yourself... this is a bad time and you don't want to neglect yourself and get sick. You are going to have good days and you are going to have bad days. Its inevitable, enjoy the good days for what they are but know that a bad day is just around the corner and prepare for that. Cry as much as you need to. It will make you feel better. I would go about my day, and on the bad days I would come home and cry my eyes out. It was hard to even go grocery shopping sometimes. Do things now that you love... yeah there are going to be some days you want to mope. Mope a little, then pick yourself up and do something. Type it out, write it out, talk it out... just get it out. I mostly type mine here.. I sometimes discuss it with others... just so long as I get it out. Take a good long look at yourself. When you were dating there was things about the relationship that wasn't perfect. What did you contribute to its demise? Work on the more negative aspects of yourself before you start dating again. Its going to help you a lot in the long run. Don't date because you NEED to, date because you WANT to. Get used to doing things alone, or with the girls... being alone is pretty hard for most people... me included... but I realize that I have to be okay with myself before I will ever be okay with another relationship. There is probably more but I am forgetting it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author victoriaaa Posted May 29, 2011 Author Share Posted May 29, 2011 Thanks for the advice. I do know exactly where I went wrong and where he went wrong so I can learn from that in the future. I haven't really needed to cry today so I must be starting to heal a little. Problem is he wont give me my ID back so I cant go out to the clubs tonight as I am always asked my age! He knows this and is doing it to spite me as I dont think he wants me to move on before he does. But I have been seeing and chatting with friends etc to keep in touch with the real world and am back with my mum at the moment. I think he is jealous that I have more support than him. Haven't left the house today but starting to enjoy my own company again. God I'm really angry he wont give me my ID but I will make sure I a new one tomorrow! And enjoying a little flirt with guys for an ego boost and have been asked out a couple of times already but not looking to date yet! Link to post Share on other sites
Butterflying Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 I agree with everyone who says NC is the best route at the begining of a break up. Allow yourself at least two months for every year you were in the relationship to get over him. That means around five months for you in this situation. That's how long you should go without communicating with him. During this time, you should be focusing on getting used to your life without him. All those plans you had together, dreams, ideas you had about him... just forget all that. Start thinking of your future in terms of what you can do on your own without him. It might help to find a friend who isn't involved in a relationship so they can encourage you by showing you there is life after a breakup. The world doesn't end just because you no longer have a boyfriend. Personally, I always take the time to get over a man I loved. But I'm never truly "over" someone until I start to love someone else. If you can find the energy, start dating as soon as possible in order to have more options finding the right guy. However, you want to make sure you've totally dealt with all the issues from the previous relationship before getting involved in a new one. That's why taking some time to yourself is a good idea first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author victoriaaa Posted May 29, 2011 Author Share Posted May 29, 2011 Luckily most of my friends are single even though we are all mid to late twenties, seem to be coming to the end of a lot of long term relationships due to various reasons. Was with my ex for 5 and a half years so I guess that means 11 months to get over him. But I don't see it taking me that long. It also means I can see certain friends he didn't "approve" of, go abroad as he was too afraid to travel and spend my money on myself rather than him. Will make sure my next relationship isn't so suffocating for either of us. I am glad to be learning from my mistakes though. He is always on my mind but I'm sure in time he will fade. Even though he was the dumper I think it will take him longer to recover due to the fact he has less friends and I took care of him. I hope one day he regrets it and I can be strong enough to say no! Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 The first month or two will be like this. Feel your emotions and let it all out, talk about it, write it down, or cry it out. Tell your friend to go through fb, phone, and/or IM to block him completely at once so you can start the healing process. Tell him that he broke up with you, now leave you alone so you can heal, and maybe friend him later. Tell your friend to tell him that. Or write a note, and tell your friend to give it to him so he dont get mad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author victoriaaa Posted May 30, 2011 Author Share Posted May 30, 2011 He has calmed down a little his mum said and is going to give back the £100 he owes and my ID. He was very hurt that I wouldn't be friends with him and his mum said he was just making excuses about bills etc. as he wanted to talk to me. I think the dumpers do not always realise what it means to dump someone. I think he thought I would hang around and have a relationship or communication on his terms. I went shopping today and treated myself for the first time in a long time so feel a bit better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author victoriaaa Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 ok so i messed up big time. we were speaking on civil terms. then i started saying how much i missed him and was sorry and wanted one last chance etc. all the things i shouldnt have. he said it wasnt working and it would never work so i got very angry and told him never to talk to me again. he said bye bye. so i felt bad an said i was just angry and emotional. but he has now blocked me from msn. i feel so stupid!!!! i just need to leave it alone. but i dont want to break up on bad terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author victoriaaa Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 he sent me a text at 6am this morning: We have been through a lot together good and bad. Of course I care about you. We just dont work as a couple and I know in time we can be good friends because I do like you. and friends help each other out. so if you need a favour just ask ok. Im not the enemy I just dont want a relationship with you and its not like we had one for a long time. Look after yourself! Im fine. It all sounds very final. I prob made things worse by contacting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Rose T Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 he sent me a text at 6am this morning: We have been through a lot together good and bad. Of course I care about you. We just dont work as a couple and I know in time we can be good friends because I do like you. and friends help each other out. so if you need a favour just ask ok. Im not the enemy I just dont want a relationship with you and its not like we had one for a long time. Look after yourself! Im fine. It all sounds very final. I prob made things worse by contacting him. NC really is a one day at a time thing. And it's hard. If you've ever seen the film Trainspotting, there's the scene where he's trying to come off heroin and locks himself in his bedroom before he goes absolutely crazy. Within the limits of my experience, avoiding contact is a little like that . You really have to fight every urge, count the days, chalk them up on your wall, sellotape your fingers together, mad stuff at first. After ten days or so, it gets easier. For me, the magic number was 60 days NC. Then I stopped counting. They say that it takes 21 days to make a new habit. It feels crazy at times and you don't know why you're doing it. You will plead with yourself for one last "hit". Then you break through the wall and you will stop missing daily contact. It's not right for every situation, but it might be right for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author victoriaaa Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 Yeah I must do it for my own sanity. He has backed off since he knows I'm still hurting. I just keep blaming myself. I kinda blew the last chance but I dont think it was working for at least 2 years. I asked to meet with him tonight, but before I posted on here. just as friends cos he is very lonely. But its a bad idea and i wont do it. he hasnt done anything overly bad so i feel cruel for cutting him out Link to post Share on other sites
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