Is there really such a thing as closure?

[MT152]

This is going to be long...

 

 

A bit more than a month ago I broke up with my girlfriend of four years. I had met her when I was 17 and have been with her ever since. She has been with me through the best years of my life (Turning 18, drivers license, first few jobs, starting college, turning 21, etc). We had been living together for about two years and I found out some things she was lying about.. One day she was intensely texting someone so I asked her who it was. We had a mutual agreement to show each others our phone when anyone of us had a concern.. I always showed her my phone and she always showed me hers. Today was different however, and she instead started to throw a fit. After a few minutes she said she had to take out our dog, which was a lie because I had taken the dog out just 15 minutes prior. When she returned in the house she had logged out of Google Voice which is how my girlfriend and I get/send texts so pretty much it was useless giving me the phone than. I asked her to log in, which she than randomly started another argument, so I just kept her phone and told her I won't be driving her to work today and for her just to leave right now and give me space. (We live a 3 minute drive from her job).

 

 

I honestly didn't make much of it.. I had suspected things in the past which have turned out to be false, so I actually believed everything was going to be okay. When she left I hopped in the shower, came out and started cooking. While cooking I hear her phone ring. I look at the phone and it is someone named "Michelle". So let me fill you guys in on this Michelle.. Two months prior I had suspected this Michelle of being a guy because she was talking to him literally everyday for 3-4 hours a night and it still continued up till the day of this argument. I swore I heard a guys voice a few times while she was talking in our living room and a few times I told her to put it on speaker which then she'd ridicule me by telling whoever was on the line that I thought she/he was a guy. I eventually started to believe her on it.. than one day I called the number and a guy did pick up.. I asked for Michelle and he said he would get her on the line but than he hung up.. I never made anything out of it because he did offer to get her so I doubt he'd play along and all.. I was wrong.. I pick up the phone and stay quiet. I guess he didn't know that I had her phone so he started saying Hello. I hung up and texted him on my phone asking what the hell he wanted and so on. He tried playing bull**** that he was a girl, telling me "Is this how you talk to women?" and so on.

 

After some more baiting, I got him to admit it. He ended up saying "Your girl is mines now, enjoy jacking off". I was obviously mad and had been right all along.. All those nights I trusted her even though I swear to God I heard a guys voice.. I was right and she still lied to my face that it wasn't.. Just by coincedence I found her contact list of her job and I looked up his number and it is a guy named Michael at her job. So flashback to four months before this argument and two months before they started chatting everyday for hours.. My ex told me about Michael and how he is a flirt at work. A kid who came into work drunk, thought he was a player, and he would hit on her everyday even though he knew she was with me. She told me he annoyed her and she really irritated him so I told her if he causes any more problems to let me know and I'll make sure he won't open his mouth anymore. She said okay and from there I trusted her about everything related to him.. Well when I found out it was Michael I kind of went ballistic.. I called her at her job and told her the gigs up.. She still tried to lie and say that she can explain.. I told her whats to explain I matched up the name.. It isn't your friends 'sister' like you said.. Anyway that night she doesn't come home nor calls me to pick her up. I call around and she fled to her parents.

 

 

I call her the next morning and when I confront her, the first thing she does is blame it on me. It is my fault she exclaims. That made me just lose it and I told her she needs to get her things and leave now. I had talked to my friends all night prior to my decision to kick her out and all my guy friends pretty much made me feel like she had sex with him so I was really angry and stayed firm with my decision. After she grabbed all her things which took two hours or so (Still a few things here and there her, it wasn't a perfect transfer) maybe 30 minutes later I just broke down and started crying. I didn't expect myself to do this.. Our relationship has had so many arguments during the last four years that I thought I would be happy once I was out of it.. I was wrong. I wanted her back so I called her back and talked to her for a bit. I told her I think living together made us argue so much and fall apart from each other but I told her I still wanted to be with her. She said she doesn't know and to give it time which I said ok. We talked the next few nights, each night with her and me ending it with a I Love You. Finally one day she just stopped calling me or even picking up my phone calls.. I called her at her job and she said she would call me when she got home but than wouldn't. After three days of false claims I showed up at her job and tried to talk to her there when she got out.

 

 

 

Instead of her talking to me she jumped back as if I was a stranger. She told me she couldn't talk to me, and that she would call me tonight. I told her that was lies because shes said that for the last 3 days now.. Anyways she gets in her coworkers car and goes home. She calls me the next morning and we talk for about an hour as I'm getting ready to go to school and during my drive there. As I get to class I tell her I need to go and she says ok and we part saying I love you once again. During class she calls back, but I can't answer because I'm in class during a presentation but she leaves a voice mail. I thought it was a good voicemail during class.. I thought I was going to hear that she came to her senses and we can be together but instead it was the opposite. She told me she couldn't talk to me anymore. That she thinks we shouldnt talk ever again. She says sorry.. Good bye. All the while she is sobbing saying this message.

 

 

Stupid me I called her immediately once I got out of class and her dad picked up. I guess her dad was in on her message because he asked what I wanted but I lied to him and told him it was about the voicemail. He was going to hand the phone to her but she said the voicemail was explanatory out loud.. So her dad just said bye to me and that was that. I had no idea what was going on at that point because she had been telling me she loved me and that she wanted to be with me still but she just needed time.. During those phonecalls I had asked around about whether she liked him or not and why they were talking. She said they were talking about me and he was aiding her in our relationship.. I know thats a lie because he would not say that garbage about her being his now if that was the case.. I took her lies and accepted them as the truth right then and just up until last week. She told me they didn't do anything physical and they were just friends.. Anyways last week I found poems on my laptop that she used to use that pretty much talked about me and him.. How she was torn between us and so on. That he is everything she wants and more. That I am what used to make her so happy, but that is the past and now he is the current.. but she ends it off saying I think its better that she stays with me. The reason why I knew about these poems is she asked me to send her them the day after we broke up. I guess she forgot or didn't think I'd read them yet one poem was blatantly named Michelle which was their planned disguise for him.. That's another thing that got me pretty upset.. the fact that they made up a identity to lie to me..

 

 

Well, four days pass and my friend decides to try to convince me to win her back. At this point I still want her but I'm respecting her wishes of not wanting to talk to me. Whatever, he convinces me that he will talk to her since we all went to prom together and they knew each other as well.. Anyways I write a letter for her to read and tell him to talk to her and give her it I guess. We head off to her job and I sit in my car. My friend goes in and a few minutes later her sister knocks on my window and asks what I'm doing. I tell her what else, I'm trying to win her back and than she says that her parents are going to talk to mine about this 'stalking' and than she threw in a few other accusations like me going around their house like every morning including THAT morning which my friend could confirm I wasn't because I was with him all day. So my friend and I head back to his house and than my brother calls me 30 minutes later telling me my ex and her family came. She was shaking and crying saying she was scared for her life and so on. Her dad threatened violence if I got near her again. From there I knew I had to stop and I did.

 

 

Randomly a week later she called my Mom and accused me of stalking again. She said why is your son following me, which then my Mom said are you sure because he's right here. (She went to my house to confirm it). My ex then accuses my mom of lying and they exchange crude remarks (My mom started saying that she wasn't worth it and not EVERY black car is me). Anyways I'm pretty disappointed at her so I email her saying I don't know who she is. She was my best friend for the last four years and now she is a stranger. Who are you to accuse my mother and than accuse me of endangering your life? The next morning after that email the LAPD calls me and tells me I have to refrain from any contact with her which I tell them okay.

 

Since then it's just been me trying to move on or win her back.. Pretty much trying to cope with it I guess. I'm not going to say I was an angel in our relationship, but I've never cheated on her or talked to another girl in that way. There was plenty of arguments during our last year (I think this last year was our downhill) but we always made up in the end and moved on. My friends tell me I need closure, and heeding to that suggestion I wrote her a letter trying to get closure yesterday on her facebook. I had to use my friends account because apparently she made an account around the same time as I did (We barely made accounts after our breakup) and she blocked me immediately. I didn't even know she had an account until my friend told me.. I asked her in the letter why she still felt the need to lie to me about him (One obvious lie was that she didn't like him yet the poems I found stated she pretty much loved him).

 

 

I asked her in my letter that if our past love meant anything she would tell me the truth. I'm pretty sure she's read it but still hasn't replied or called me or anything. Is there such a thing as closure? I feel like everything I find out just makes me feel even worse at times, but I keep wanting to find out the truth.. I feel like I deserve the truth since it is now all done. I've literally supported her for the last two years. Her parents have always put her down in terms of education (Saying shes stupid and so on) but I've always pushed her on and actually made her attend college with me. I paid for all the rent, all my gas, the groceries, etc. I asked her to throw in a bit of money here and there but it was pretty much a free ride. And to those thinking she used me, no she didn't. It wasn't like that. I just feel so lonely now and my moods are always up and down. If it wasn't for my job, my one class I have (I dropped a class because we shared that class together and even though she dropped it I had trouble sitting in it without feeling like garbage), and two close friends I'd be depressed right now.. I built my life around her and gave up many opportunities in terms of friends and fun with friends (I've never been to a club/bar, neither has she) and now it has left me in this horrible situation.. What do you guys think I should do and what do you think her intentions are? Is there really a thing as closure?

[BlindRage]

To answer your question shortly; there is no thing such as closure.

[Stilicho]

hey man, i know what u r going through. i went through something very similar recently with my ex of over 2 years. i know you feel conflicted, that you still feel like you love her, your constantly asking yourself how this is happening and remembering the not so long ago times of bliss.

 

BUT, u r not fully realizing and giving proper weight to the fact that she cheated on you and left you, after everything you did for her. trust me man, stop trying to win her back, she is not worth it. She lied to you, lied about you and accuses you of stalking.

 

be happy this all happened now, and not in the future, with you guys married w kids.

 

GO full NC, hit up the gym, go out, delete pics of you guys, and stop thinking about the good times, bc she sure as hell isnt, in fact, shes thinking about the guy she left you for, in his bed, naked. it hurts, i know, but the sooner you realize the facts, and pull the bandage off, the sooner you will heal.

 

start today, come here often, the people on these boards offer good advice.

 

dont worry about closure, because you already have it, you just dont want to accept it. the closure is, there is nothing between the both of you now, she used you, and lied to you, cheated on you and abandoned you, for what? a known player and scumbag.

 

shell do the same to him, if he doesnt do it first. focus on yourself right now, talk to friends, your dad, whoever, but, get the idea of reconciliation out of your head. why would you want to let her back in, when she could only do it all again?

 

youll be o.k, i know everyday seems like 1000 yrs right now, but as each day passes, normalcy slowly will come back.

 

i believe in you man, check back often

[MT152]

hey man, i know what u r going through. i went through something very similar recently with my ex of over 2 years. i know you feel conflicted, that you still feel like you love her, your constantly asking yourself how this is happening and remembering the not so long ago times of bliss.

 

BUT, u r not fully realizing and giving proper weight to the fact that she cheated on you and left you, after everything you did for her. trust me man, stop trying to win her back, she is not worth it. She lied to you, lied about you and accuses you of stalking.

 

be happy this all happened now, and not in the future, with you guys married w kids.

 

GO full NC, hit up the gym, go out, delete pics of you guys, and stop thinking about the good times, bc she sure as hell isnt, in fact, shes thinking about the guy she left you for, in his bed, naked. it hurts, i know, but the sooner you realize the facts, and pull the bandage off, the sooner you will heal.

 

start today, come here often, the people on these boards offer good advice.

 

dont worry about closure, because you already have it, you just dont want to accept it. the closure is, there is nothing between the both of you now, she used you, and lied to you, cheated on you and abandoned you, for what? a known player and scumbag.

 

shell do the same to him, if he doesnt do it first. focus on yourself right now, talk to friends, your dad, whoever, but, get the idea of reconciliation out of your head. why would you want to let her back in, when she could only do it all again?

 

youll be o.k, i know everyday seems like 1000 yrs right now, but as each day passes, normalcy slowly will come back.

 

i believe in you man, check back often

 

Thanks for the kind words. I know I am getting better because everyone at my job tells me I look WAY better compared to myself the first two weeks. I guess I just don't want to believe they are together anymore. I keep hoping she feels guilty about all this and put him out of her life as well but I really doubt it.. I guess time is what I need in this situation.

[Stilicho]

dont worry about it man, ive been where you are, anything i can do to help, i would. another thing to remember though, is you WILL have your bad days, where it feels like you are back where you were right after break up, but with time, they will be more infrequent, basically you will have your ups and downs, similar to a roller coaster, but every ride comes to an end sometime.

 

i did, and sometimes do, think the same way you think, hoping she feels remorse, etc, but, realize its a waste of time doing so. after all, what does that accomplish?

 

the best revenge is to be successful and to be unlike those who have wronged you. Try to not let this affect your outlook on other girls youll meet as well, otherwise, she wins.

[MT152]

dont worry about it man, ive been where you are, anything i can do to help, i would. another thing to remember though, is you WILL have your bad days, where it feels like you are back where you were right after break up, but with time, they will be more infrequent, basically you will have your ups and downs, similar to a roller coaster, but every ride comes to an end sometime.

 

i did, and sometimes do, think the same way you think, hoping she feels remorse, etc, but, realize its a waste of time doing so. after all, what does that accomplish?

 

the best revenge is to be successful and to be unlike those who have wronged you. Try to not let this affect your outlook on other girls youll meet as well, otherwise, she wins.

 

The reason why I do feel like there is some closure to be had is I think if she admitted everything to me it'd be better. I go day to day thinking about whether they are together or not sometimes. Hell, some days I wake up soo happy ready to take on the world and than at night I'm home alone. It is SUCH a different atmosphere.. going home to a girlfriend + dog to now an empty house.

 

I really wish she would do me a favor as a friend and spit out the truth already, but I don't really know who she is anymore. From one day to the next she changed dramatically. She really has no reason to lie anymore, but still has not told out the truth to me.

[Stilicho]

trust me man, i did exactly what you wanted and i got it, and man, it still hurts, even more id say, because it just brings more questions. my ex admitted everything to me, even admitted that it was a mistake, that the new guy is a drug addicted loser, etc, and tried to make me want her again(i think more for attention than actual love). and what did any of that bring me? nothing but more pain, more questions and more doubt.

 

i know the nights last forever, especially being newly alone. i went from being with my ex 24/7 to being fully alone as well, it sucks, all you do is think about her, the past, rehash certain scenarios 1000x over, but what does any of that do? the answer is nothing but harm.

 

you say you wish shed do u a favor as a friend, guess what? shes NOT your friend, as strange as it may seem, after all, she BETRAYED you and DECEIVED you, neither acts being very friendly. i know what im saying sounds harsh, but im speaking from experience, hell, im even the same age as you. i know where you are, its a pretty dark place with a bleak atmosphere, but, it gets better, and the key to this seemingly impossible progress, is you, more specifically, relying on yourself, without any words from her, or others, to put her in the past, and focus on improving you.

[MT152]

trust me man, i did exactly what you wanted and i got it, and man, it still hurts, even more id say, because it just brings more questions. my ex admitted everything to me, even admitted that it was a mistake, that the new guy is a drug addicted loser, etc, and tried to make me want her again(i think more for attention than actual love). and what did any of that bring me? nothing but more pain, more questions and more doubt.

 

i know the nights last forever, especially being newly alone. i went from being with my ex 24/7 to being fully alone as well, it sucks, all you do is think about her, the past, rehash certain scenarios 1000x over, but what does any of that do? the answer is nothing but harm.

 

you say you wish shed do u a favor as a friend, guess what? shes NOT your friend, as strange as it may seem, after all, she BETRAYED you and DECEIVED you, neither acts being very friendly. i know what im saying sounds harsh, but im speaking from experience, hell, im even the same age as you. i know where you are, its a pretty dark place with a bleak atmosphere, but, it gets better, and the key to this seemingly impossible progress, is you, more specifically, relying on yourself, without any words from her, or others, to put her in the past, and focus on improving you.

 

Thanks man. Don't be afraid to tell me the truth, I rather the truth than some sugar coated crap that leads me on a false reality which hurts me even more later on. You're right about everything. I'm sorry to hear it went down the way it did for you and I guess good riddance. Do you ever feel guilty? (I don't really know what happened in your relationship so I can't really tell). I still feel guilty for the neglect and arguments and everything I guess.. The honest reason why I kept pursuing her so intensely after she moved out was so I wouldn't regret it 5 years-10 years or 20 years from now.. That I didn't try and I lost the one I loved. Regardless of whether I get back with her or not I won't have any new regrets besides ones that were prevalent during our relationship.

[alphamale]

Is there really a thing as closure?

the only "closure" i know of is death

[zlatnapolja]

Thats such a sad story... I havent had this experience, but I sort of know what its like...

 

My exBF who I have been with for about three years, all of a sudden turned to Islam. He was actually born muslim, but where he's from that doesn't mean anything for most people (ppl drink, women show a lot of skin etc.). So anyway we had a really(!) good relationship up to that point, everybody was jalous of it. After almost 2 years, all of a sudden he made a new friend (while going through a very difficult time), who was muslim, but not muslim in a good way, but very extreme so actually not realy muslim hehe.

 

Within 3 months he had grown a beard, stopped going out (not even going to restaurants anymore) etc. Within 6 months he didn't even want to touch my hand anymore, I remember like it was yesterday. We were walking outside, on our way to the supermarket, I reached for his hand and he just slappes my hand a way so hard.. it was painful mentally as it was physically. A month later he broke up with me because in his words: because of his 'religion' he wasn't aloud to see me, he said I was embarrassing him in front of God (this still hurts, since I am believe in God myself) and so on.. From that point on i stayed with him for over a year.. (he was wiling to give me a 'chance', I had to read about Islam over 3 hours a day). It made me miserable! But i was young and loved him very much. After a little over a year I couldn't take it anymore.. I broke up with him, and within 2 weeks he QUIT Islam.......... I didn't want him back, after all of this pain he had put me through.

 

A friend of mine experienced something similar to your story. She had been engaged for about 6 months, when her fiance all of a sudden started to ignore her. They had a great relationship until they had a fight (not a serious one) and he ignored her for a week (didn't even wish her a happy new year). After that week he started talking to her again and they made up, but in the months following the same thing happened again more than once. The worst time was 3 weeks before they broke up. He was working on starting up a business, and she gave him 2000 dollars.He didn't even thank her! She decided to break up with him, but since he didn't respond to her phone calls, she texted him. He never texted her back, after about 2 weeks she dropped by his work and he (while smoking a sigarette) told her he was done with the whole thing. She asked him 'I understand, but why didn't you let me know, we were together for so long?'. His response was 'thats the way I do it'.

 

After these two stories I could say that nobody is to be trusted and that people are not who you think they are, but... Even though her and especially my relationship had been so good, there were signs...

 

Even though I thought I would never ever be happy again, today I am with an amazing guy who I am extremely happy with. Let it go... You can do it!!! Believe me you can, you are much stronger than you think...

[Stilicho]

at first, i did feel guilty, i thought about all the things i might have said, all the things i could have or should have said, the little comments here and there, or things i could have done better, but now, i realized, i have nothing to feel guilty about. relationships take two people, and although 2 wrongs dont make a right, its not as if she(or your ex) was a complete angel. its just that we feel guilty at first, because we dont wanna believe our exes are these cold hearted people that could do what they did, and therefore, we try to justify their decisions by blaming it on things we did in the past, and as a result we feel guilt.

 

Remember, in spite of all the arguments, we were good enough for them to be with, to sleep with, to hear how much they "loved" us, and to plan futures together, but, in the end, they ran off with someone else.

 

thanks for your condolences, and you are right, as hard as it is to believe, but good riddance... if you really want to see how bad mine was, i posted a pretty detailed account a couple days after we broke up as probably my first post, which you could check if clicked my profile i think.

 

 

when you say

 

The honest reason why I kept pursuing her so intensely after she moved out was so I wouldn't regret it 5 years-10 years or 20 years from now.. That I didn't try and I lost the one I loved. Regardless of whether I get back with her or not I won't have any new regrets besides ones that were prevalent during our relationship.

 

i felt the exact same way, and pursued for the same reason. i felt like i lost a girl that i was a perfect match with, that id never find someone id be so compatible with, or comfortable around. So, i did what you did at first, i turned blind to her misdeeds and obvious flaws, and tried to pursue her after she showed some interest(breadcrumbs, if ur ex tries for some reason, dont bite). all it did was set me back. but than, after class one day, i told her that i wanted nothing to do with her in anyway anymore, almost immediately, i felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my chest, and i havent looked back since. sure, i think about her from time to time, yea, she makes the occasional appearance in my dreams, and of course, passing certain places, or the taste or smell of certain places(the beach, a barn) or foods(specifically, those shed cook me) bring back memories, and with them, some pain, but, with time it fades brother.

 

As for the guilt, dont worry, its natural, and over time, it will manifest itself in a range of emotions, from anger, to desire for revenge, to pity for her, all the way to the realization that you are better off without her. as you said, good riddance.

 

remember to not blame yourself man, its NOT your fault, she made the choice to lie to you, to carry out her cheating and everything that came with it, including her accusations. Dont give her any more credit than shes worth, of curse shes with the guy, and of course she left for him. if she lied to you about talking with him and made a fake name for him and carried it out for months, do you honestly believe shell tell you the truth about anything that puts her in an even worse light? of course not. To people like her and my ex, lying comes easy.

 

so, stop blaming yourself, realize she did not leave you bc of you, or bc the guy is better than you, but bc she is an insecure little girl, easily swayed by some loser player. a player, whom to be frank, did u a favor in the long run. look at it this way, even though it seems completely unreal, now, you are free, and you have gained vital experience from this. next time something happens to you in a relationship, you wont be so easily shocked or naive, youll also learn to only accept those that deserve your love and time.

 

when all is said and done, and youve recovered from this, put all that youll learn to good use(including whatever mistakes you believe you made), and give your best to a girl that deserves you.

 

dont rush the process, or give yourself a time limit. take it all one day at a time, and when the time comes, youll know it.

 

i broke with my ex 5 months ago, and since than, ive dated multiple girls, and to be honest, it didnt feel right til about a month ago, and even now, i feel like im re-learning a lot.

[bl22]

Hey OP

 

have a good read around loveshack and you'll see exactly how common this exact story is. Even the little details mimick what I went through end of last year and I could easily picture myself as you and my ex as your ex from reading your story.

 

have a read of this - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280118/

 

youll get through this, just dont break no contact anymore and dont check up on her. follow my advice on that thread and others around loveshack. find the person you was before you met her and build upon that!

[WTRanger]

Closure from yourself, yes that's possible.

 

Closure from the ex, that's impossible.

[MT152]

Thats such a sad story... I havent had this experience, but I sort of know what its like...

 

My exBF who I have been with for about three years, all of a sudden turned to Islam. He was actually born muslim, but where he's from that doesn't mean anything for most people (ppl drink, women show a lot of skin etc.). So anyway we had a really(!) good relationship up to that point, everybody was jalous of it. After almost 2 years, all of a sudden he made a new friend (while going through a very difficult time), who was muslim, but not muslim in a good way, but very extreme so actually not realy muslim hehe.

 

Within 3 months he had grown a beard, stopped going out (not even going to restaurants anymore) etc. Within 6 months he didn't even want to touch my hand anymore, I remember like it was yesterday. We were walking outside, on our way to the supermarket, I reached for his hand and he just slappes my hand a way so hard.. it was painful mentally as it was physically. A month later he broke up with me because in his words: because of his 'religion' he wasn't aloud to see me, he said I was embarrassing him in front of God (this still hurts, since I am believe in God myself) and so on.. From that point on i stayed with him for over a year.. (he was wiling to give me a 'chance', I had to read about Islam over 3 hours a day). It made me miserable! But i was young and loved him very much. After a little over a year I couldn't take it anymore.. I broke up with him, and within 2 weeks he QUIT Islam.......... I didn't want him back, after all of this pain he had put me through.

 

A friend of mine experienced something similar to your story. She had been engaged for about 6 months, when her fiance all of a sudden started to ignore her. They had a great relationship until they had a fight (not a serious one) and he ignored her for a week (didn't even wish her a happy new year). After that week he started talking to her again and they made up, but in the months following the same thing happened again more than once. The worst time was 3 weeks before they broke up. He was working on starting up a business, and she gave him 2000 dollars.He didn't even thank her! She decided to break up with him, but since he didn't respond to her phone calls, she texted him. He never texted her back, after about 2 weeks she dropped by his work and he (while smoking a sigarette) told her he was done with the whole thing. She asked him 'I understand, but why didn't you let me know, we were together for so long?'. His response was 'thats the way I do it'.

 

After these two stories I could say that nobody is to be trusted and that people are not who you think they are, but... Even though her and especially my relationship had been so good, there were signs...

 

Even though I thought I would never ever be happy again, today I am with an amazing guy who I am extremely happy with. Let it go... You can do it!!! Believe me you can, you are much stronger than you think...

 

Thanks. That sounds like such a shady story.. Went from a perfect couple to a stranger just like my ex

 

at first, i did feel guilty, i thought about all the things i might have said, all the things i could have or should have said, the little comments here and there, or things i could have done better, but now, i realized, i have nothing to feel guilty about. relationships take two people, and although 2 wrongs dont make a right, its not as if she(or your ex) was a complete angel. its just that we feel guilty at first, because we dont wanna believe our exes are these cold hearted people that could do what they did, and therefore, we try to justify their decisions by blaming it on things we did in the past, and as a result we feel guilt.

 

Remember, in spite of all the arguments, we were good enough for them to be with, to sleep with, to hear how much they "loved" us, and to plan futures together, but, in the end, they ran off with someone else.

 

thanks for your condolences, and you are right, as hard as it is to believe, but good riddance... if you really want to see how bad mine was, i posted a pretty detailed account a couple days after we broke up as probably my first post, which you could check if clicked my profile i think.

 

 

when you say

 

 

 

i felt the exact same way, and pursued for the same reason. i felt like i lost a girl that i was a perfect match with, that id never find someone id be so compatible with, or comfortable around. So, i did what you did at first, i turned blind to her misdeeds and obvious flaws, and tried to pursue her after she showed some interest(breadcrumbs, if ur ex tries for some reason, dont bite). all it did was set me back. but than, after class one day, i told her that i wanted nothing to do with her in anyway anymore, almost immediately, i felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my chest, and i havent looked back since. sure, i think about her from time to time, yea, she makes the occasional appearance in my dreams, and of course, passing certain places, or the taste or smell of certain places(the beach, a barn) or foods(specifically, those shed cook me) bring back memories, and with them, some pain, but, with time it fades brother.

 

As for the guilt, dont worry, its natural, and over time, it will manifest itself in a range of emotions, from anger, to desire for revenge, to pity for her, all the way to the realization that you are better off without her. as you said, good riddance.

 

remember to not blame yourself man, its NOT your fault, she made the choice to lie to you, to carry out her cheating and everything that came with it, including her accusations. Dont give her any more credit than shes worth, of curse shes with the guy, and of course she left for him. if she lied to you about talking with him and made a fake name for him and carried it out for months, do you honestly believe shell tell you the truth about anything that puts her in an even worse light? of course not. To people like her and my ex, lying comes easy.

 

so, stop blaming yourself, realize she did not leave you bc of you, or bc the guy is better than you, but bc she is an insecure little girl, easily swayed by some loser player. a player, whom to be frank, did u a favor in the long run. look at it this way, even though it seems completely unreal, now, you are free, and you have gained vital experience from this. next time something happens to you in a relationship, you wont be so easily shocked or naive, youll also learn to only accept those that deserve your love and time.

 

when all is said and done, and youve recovered from this, put all that youll learn to good use(including whatever mistakes you believe you made), and give your best to a girl that deserves you.

 

dont rush the process, or give yourself a time limit. take it all one day at a time, and when the time comes, youll know it.

 

i broke with my ex 5 months ago, and since than, ive dated multiple girls, and to be honest, it didnt feel right til about a month ago, and even now, i feel like im re-learning a lot.

 

 

Hey,

 

I read your thread and I can totally relate to you on so many of your points. The point with you being her only friend was pretty much what happened to my relationship. My girlfriend might have had what she called "acquaintances" but she never really referred to anyone as a friend. She had plenty of guys with interest in her throughout the years, but she's always stuck with me. I guess with her job and all she felt some kind of freedom or a new outlet to explore and so she did.

 

I'm working on slowly diverting the blame from myself to us as a couple. By her just not responding to my friends FB message by now is just another sign I should continue to move on. Today it would have been officially four years, I even mentioned it in the letter though I doubt that caught any remorse from her.

 

Hey OP

 

have a good read around loveshack and you'll see exactly how common this exact story is. Even the little details mimick what I went through end of last year and I could easily picture myself as you and my ex as your ex from reading your story.

 

have a read of this - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t280118/

 

youll get through this, just dont break no contact anymore and dont check up on her. follow my advice on that thread and others around loveshack. find the person you was before you met her and build upon that!

 

Great story. Continue on strong man.. You are on the right path. I just hope I can get on the path quickly.

[MT152]

It is just so hard to continue and overcome my past lifestyle.. My parents had even cemented our yard and she and I had put our handprints with our names with a heart which is going to be forever there now. I just noticed it today, though it had been there for a while now. The thing is I can't even break NC because of all those threats of the police and so on.. Like today I went to work fine, I Get home I was fine for a few hours and now it is the night again where I relentlessly start remembering the past and just begin to miss her and feel like garbage.

 

I keep deceiving myself into believing that she will contact me any day now. The first few days were a lot worse than they were now. I used to sit by my phone waiting (Mainly because she said she would call, but I continued to even after). Now I just sit waiting for.. I guess something between us to flourish again. Sigh I feel like giving up sometimes but that thought alone is so stupid for me to think. I really have been feeling the urge to try to go to her parents house and talk to them and try to win her back but the way everyones been acting in the last month is holding me back from it.

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[Stilicho]

It is just so hard to continue and overcome my past lifestyle.. My parents had even cemented our yard and she and I had put our handprints with our names with a heart which is going to be forever there now. I just noticed it today, though it had been there for a while now. The thing is I can't even break NC because of all those threats of the police and so on.. Like today I went to work fine, I Get home I was fine for a few hours and now it is the night again where I relentlessly start remembering the past and just begin to miss her and feel like garbage.

 

I keep deceiving myself into believing that she will contact me any day now. The first few days were a lot worse than they were now. I used to sit by my phone waiting (Mainly because she said she would call, but I continued to even after). Now I just sit waiting for.. I guess something between us to flourish again. Sigh I feel like giving up sometimes but that thought alone is so stupid for me to think. I really have been feeling the urge to try to go to her parents house and talk to them and try to win her back but the way everyones been acting in the last month is holding me back from it.

 

brother, its only natural for you to feel this way still, to wait by the phone, to want to break NC, and of course, at night its the worst, thats bc its just you and your thoughts.

 

But, and i dont want to beat a dead horse here, it gets better. you may even feel that you dont want it to be "better," you just want her. i know man, i was there too. i can assure you though, once you start getting out of the daze, and your judgement is clearer, and most importantly, you realize her true worth and remove her from the pedestal, youll realize how you are much better off with out her, and you will no longer pine for her.

 

i know sometimes it feels like giving up is easy and the bet outcome, and i know just how hard you want to reach out, if not her, than her parents, i felt the same. but, all that will do is hurt you more. She made the decision to do all this, she's not gonna up and decide to reverse it all, especially after making legal threats and shacking up w another guy, and even if she did, why would you want her? it would never be the same, and you always be her safe option, with a pink elephant in the room at all times. Would you ever really feel like she truly loved you again? no, of course you wouldnt.

 

Although people are hurt the worst by the ones they love, those that are hurting them never truly love them back.

 

this is a hard time for you, it seems surreal, and of course the little things here and there remind you of shared memories and promises, but you will get through it.

 

i know this bc i felt the same way. after my break up, i maxed out at maybe 2 hrs of sleep a night for at least a month. every hour i lied awake was an hour of pain and sadness, where i replayed every moment of the relationship possible, picked apart little words and conversations, gestures and actions, frankly, i felt like it was killing me. i for the same period of time, i had no real appetite, and would only eat maybe once a day, and something small. i couldnt watch t.v or movies, play games or surf the internet(and when i did, i was on here), bc my mind would just become distracted and id fall back into the same thought patterns as before. When i went out with my friends, it was more of the same, i was basically just tagging along in silence, moping on the inside.

 

Within a month, i had lost over 20 lbs due to the depression of it all(mind you, i was in pretty good shape to start, at 6'2 and a muscular 220), i thought my world had ended, i was re-evaluating my future and what i wanted from life. needless to say, i was shaken to the core.

 

every time my phone rang, i hoped it was her, calling to plead forgiveness, apologize and tell me how much she loved me, crying and hoping i still loved her, needless to say it never came, even when she tried gaining my interest again once the semester started, it was never like that, and im happy it wasnt, bc in my conflicted state a few months back, i probably would of taken her back, and committed a major mistake.

 

to make matters worse, after a little less than a month NC, and going through this all, i had started getting myself back on track. i was working out non stop, forcing my self to eat, going out, joined a club sports team, meeting girls and starting, even if just a little bit, feeling normal and good again. But, than the semester started, and my ex was in a few of my classes still( none of these she needed, but she put herself in them when we planned our schedules together about a month b4 breakup). i was hoping shed have dropped them, but deep down inside, i was pleased she didnt. i thought it meant maybe she still loved me, wanted to win me back.

 

After a few days of awkwardness and a couple of arguments, she began trying to be super nice to me when around me. shed call me babe, hold my arm when walking near me, reminisce, etc. basically act like she did when we were together, w.o being together. things started escalating from there, and for about 2 months, shed call me, text me, email me, even doing so when around the new guy, and she would talk down on him to me, saying how hes some drug using loser, watches cartoons all day, stupid, etc, while talking about "us", and mistakes she made and we made. she even admitted the whole thing as her fault. but, she never went so far as to say she wanted us back, nor did i ask. Shed only hint and flirt, tell me she cares about me, etc. Did any of this make me feel better? Not in the least.

 

in fact, it made things much worse. it was a little less than 2 months ago, that realized how f***** up the situation really was, and how i was hurting myself. so, one day, i decided to end it fully and go back NC, i even wrote her a goodbye letter, which i regret now, which i told her id always loved her, and how much i missed her, that i didnt blame her, she was a giid person, etc, LOL, and than after class, i told her i didnt want to talk to her ever again, bc it was preventing me from moving on, and making me still feel as if im in love with her. i even cried as told her this all, thats how much of a sad state i was in at the time.

 

than an amazing thing happened, not even a day later, i felt great, it was as if a fog that wouldnt leave had suddenly cleared up, i finally saw her and what she did for what it was, i removed her from the pedestal, deleted pics and threw away mementos and moved on with my life. started dating again, etc. does that mean that i was fully healed? no. but i was living normal again.

 

sorry if i bored you with my long story, but i guess i just wanted to show you how what you are going through is not unique. dont make the same mistakes i did and break NC, dont buy into any possible breadcrumbs. Focus on you, take it one day at a time. dont lose hope, and prepare for the ups and downs.

stay strong man, u know what to do, and that she doesnt deserve you, now accept it, and start your journey towards your next chapter in life. she is the past, and thats for a reason. with every closed door, new ones open. go through them and dont look back.

[MT152]

brother, its only natural for you to feel this way still, to wait by the phone, to want to break NC, and of course, at night its the worst, thats bc its just you and your thoughts.

 

But, and i dont want to beat a dead horse here, it gets better. you may even feel that you dont want it to be "better," you just want her. i know man, i was there too. i can assure you though, once you start getting out of the daze, and your judgement is clearer, and most importantly, you realize her true worth and remove her from the pedestal, youll realize how you are much better off with out her, and you will no longer pine for her.

 

i know sometimes it feels like giving up is easy and the bet outcome, and i know just how hard you want to reach out, if not her, than her parents, i felt the same. but, all that will do is hurt you more. She made the decision to do all this, she's not gonna up and decide to reverse it all, especially after making legal threats and shacking up w another guy, and even if she did, why would you want her? it would never be the same, and you always be her safe option, with a pink elephant in the room at all times. Would you ever really feel like she truly loved you again? no, of course you wouldnt.

 

Although people are hurt the worst by the ones they love, those that are hurting them never truly love them back.

 

this is a hard time for you, it seems surreal, and of course the little things here and there remind you of shared memories and promises, but you will get through it.

 

i know this bc i felt the same way. after my break up, i maxed out at maybe 2 hrs of sleep a night for at least a month. every hour i lied awake was an hour of pain and sadness, where i replayed every moment of the relationship possible, picked apart little words and conversations, gestures and actions, frankly, i felt like it was killing me. i for the same period of time, i had no real appetite, and would only eat maybe once a day, and something small. i couldnt watch t.v or movies, play games or surf the internet(and when i did, i was on here), bc my mind would just become distracted and id fall back into the same thought patterns as before. When i went out with my friends, it was more of the same, i was basically just tagging along in silence, moping on the inside.

 

Within a month, i had lost over 20 lbs due to the depression of it all(mind you, i was in pretty good shape to start, at 6'2 and a muscular 220), i thought my world had ended, i was re-evaluating my future and what i wanted from life. needless to say, i was shaken to the core.

 

every time my phone rang, i hoped it was her, calling to plead forgiveness, apologize and tell me how much she loved me, crying and hoping i still loved her, needless to say it never came, even when she tried gaining my interest again once the semester started, it was never like that, and im happy it wasnt, bc in my conflicted state a few months back, i probably would of taken her back, and committed a major mistake.

 

to make matters worse, after a little less than a month NC, and going through this all, i had started getting myself back on track. i was working out non stop, forcing my self to eat, going out, joined a club sports team, meeting girls and starting, even if just a little bit, feeling normal and good again. But, than the semester started, and my ex was in a few of my classes still( none of these she needed, but she put herself in them when we planned our schedules together about a month b4 breakup). i was hoping shed have dropped them, but deep down inside, i was pleased she didnt. i thought it meant maybe she still loved me, wanted to win me back.

 

After a few days of awkwardness and a couple of arguments, she began trying to be super nice to me when around me. shed call me babe, hold my arm when walking near me, reminisce, etc. basically act like she did when we were together, w.o being together. things started escalating from there, and for about 2 months, shed call me, text me, email me, even doing so when around the new guy, and she would talk down on him to me, saying how hes some drug using loser, watches cartoons all day, stupid, etc, while talking about "us", and mistakes she made and we made. she even admitted the whole thing as her fault. but, she never went so far as to say she wanted us back, nor did i ask. Shed only hint and flirt, tell me she cares about me, etc. Did any of this make me feel better? Not in the least.

 

in fact, it made things much worse. it was a little less than 2 months ago, that realized how f***** up the situation really was, and how i was hurting myself. so, one day, i decided to end it fully and go back NC, i even wrote her a goodbye letter, which i regret now, which i told her id always loved her, and how much i missed her, that i didnt blame her, she was a giid person, etc, LOL, and than after class, i told her i didnt want to talk to her ever again, bc it was preventing me from moving on, and making me still feel as if im in love with her. i even cried as told her this all, thats how much of a sad state i was in at the time.

 

than an amazing thing happened, not even a day later, i felt great, it was as if a fog that wouldnt leave had suddenly cleared up, i finally saw her and what she did for what it was, i removed her from the pedestal, deleted pics and threw away mementos and moved on with my life. started dating again, etc. does that mean that i was fully healed? no. but i was living normal again.

 

sorry if i bored you with my long story, but i guess i just wanted to show you how what you are going through is not unique. dont make the same mistakes i did and break NC, dont buy into any possible breadcrumbs. Focus on you, take it one day at a time. dont lose hope, and prepare for the ups and downs.

stay strong man, u know what to do, and that she doesnt deserve you, now accept it, and start your journey towards your next chapter in life. she is the past, and thats for a reason. with every closed door, new ones open. go through them and dont look back.

 

Don't worry about your long replies.. They actually give me something to think about and read haha. I really don't mind. See, I'm in a ok state right now, but I know maybe later on I'll be in a back in a rut if I'm not talking to friends or doing anything. I had such a sad dream this morning. It pretty much ended with me and her starting to get back together I guess..

 

Yeah, I feel that way around my friends too. One or two of them just stopped inviting me out because either I'd stay quiet or I'd talk to them about my ex which I bet they were fed up with. Sigh.. I take sleeping pills at night at times to sleep now. I have never been reliant on drugs even for pain. When I removed all my wisdom teeth a few months ago I just saved all the vicodin I had because I was able to deal with the pain.

 

While those are comforting words (That it would never get better again) I feel like theres always a deviation.. Things could get better if two people want it, you know? I know majority of times it doesn't work out that way but I know it's possible. I'm starting SLOWLY to realize her faults too (From our relationship, not from her cheating) which helps me at times but my guilt keeps overriding anything. I guess that's another thing that'll take time.

 

I met this girl on some random dating site my friend had recommended. I really hate online dating and have always disapproved but at my current state I decided to try it out. I had been talking to some girl the last few days and I finally asked her out to go eat and she said she'd like that however I feel like I'm going to 1) all the sudden talk about my ex 2) compare her to my ex (I already am physically.. and my ex wins out in that) 3) feel guilty about this..

 

Thanks for your posts. They really do help.

[Stilicho]

of course man, thats pretty much the reason i still browse the site. i know how it feels to go through a bad break up and to feel betrayed by the person you thought was the one, so naturally, i feel like if i can offer any advice or insight to make somebody else's situation any better, than i will.

 

as for the dreams, yeah, they suck. i had the same type of dreams almost everynight for 2 months, with worse ones in between. i still occasionally have dreams with her in them to this day, with a similar subject.

 

but the difference between now and then, is that it no longer truly bothers me, or sets the tone of my day, u know? i just wake up and shake it off. it doesnt consume my thoughts or hurt me anymore.

 

its good that you are slowly realizing things, but when you say

 

'm starting SLOWLY to realize her faults too (From our relationship, not from her cheating) which helps me at times but my guilt keeps overriding anything. I guess that's another thing that'll take time.

 

it comes off as if you dont even care that she cheated on you, or as if its not a big deal, or maybe that you blame yourself for that, which is ridiculous. i did the same a little, but i also quickly realized that it was decision and choice to do so, and only an individual can control their actions, which are never a product of what someone else does, no matter what the say.

 

by cheating on you, and lying about it, she BETRAYED you, and belittled everything you guys shared together. she insulted you and spit on you. cheating is a terrible thing man, you cant let something like that slide. would you yourself ever do something like that to someone you truly loved?

 

and, of course anything is possible man, but for a relationship to be salvaged, it takes both people giving 100% and a clean slate on both parts, and if she had or wanted either, she would have done so, and not ran to another guy.

 

you might want it, but she doesnt, now or ever, if she did, she would have done everything in her power to make it work, not ostracize you and accuse you of stalking her.

 

as for the drugs man, be careful, u dont want to build a dependency on such things, it can get dangerous.

 

its good you realize there is some progress, and as we talked before, the guilt will slowly leave you. it took me maybe 2 or more months for the guilt to be gone, which is a major step i think.

 

thats good your dating again, but dont feel the need to rush it. the last thing you need is to be a mess around new girls bc of your situation, and having it further mess up your self esteem. you dont NEED a girl in your life to make you happy. once you can be happy on your own, is when you should really be dating, but, dating now can be a good distraction, just use common sense and dont constantly compare girls. also, dont mention your ex, or your cock blocking yourself hard.

 

as always man, if you have any questions or anything ask away, im happy to help.

[MT152]

of course man, thats pretty much the reason i still browse the site. i know how it feels to go through a bad break up and to feel betrayed by the person you thought was the one, so naturally, i feel like if i can offer any advice or insight to make somebody else's situation any better, than i will.

 

as for the dreams, yeah, they suck. i had the same type of dreams almost everynight for 2 months, with worse ones in between. i still occasionally have dreams with her in them to this day, with a similar subject.

 

but the difference between now and then, is that it no longer truly bothers me, or sets the tone of my day, u know? i just wake up and shake it off. it doesnt consume my thoughts or hurt me anymore.

 

its good that you are slowly realizing things, but when you say

 

 

 

it comes off as if you dont even care that she cheated on you, or as if its not a big deal, or maybe that you blame yourself for that, which is ridiculous. i did the same a little, but i also quickly realized that it was decision and choice to do so, and only an individual can control their actions, which are never a product of what someone else does, no matter what the say.

 

by cheating on you, and lying about it, she BETRAYED you, and belittled everything you guys shared together. she insulted you and spit on you. cheating is a terrible thing man, you cant let something like that slide. would you yourself ever do something like that to someone you truly loved?

 

and, of course anything is possible man, but for a relationship to be salvaged, it takes both people giving 100% and a clean slate on both parts, and if she had or wanted either, she would have done so, and not ran to another guy.

 

you might want it, but she doesnt, now or ever, if she did, she would have done everything in her power to make it work, not ostracize you and accuse you of stalking her.

 

as for the drugs man, be careful, u dont want to build a dependency on such things, it can get dangerous.

 

its good you realize there is some progress, and as we talked before, the guilt will slowly leave you. it took me maybe 2 or more months for the guilt to be gone, which is a major step i think.

 

thats good your dating again, but dont feel the need to rush it. the last thing you need is to be a mess around new girls bc of your situation, and having it further mess up your self esteem. you dont NEED a girl in your life to make you happy. once you can be happy on your own, is when you should really be dating, but, dating now can be a good distraction, just use common sense and dont constantly compare girls. also, dont mention your ex, or your cock blocking yourself hard.

 

as always man, if you have any questions or anything ask away, im happy to help.

 

I'm slowly starting to realize what I miss most was the company, not necessarily her. I still can't deny the three great years we had before it went downhill in our fourth. I might talk to her dad on Friday to clear some things up with the accusations of stalking and so forth and see whatever happens from there. I might be dumb for doing this, but I for some stupid reason am still motivated in this plan..

 

I just recently got all my summer classes dropped due to a credit card not going through and all I know is this is going to be a LONG summer. The classes were supposed to keep me busy all summer long but now I will be free everyday. I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do now and it's causing more anxiety the more I think about it.

 

She is such a selfless bit** for not responding to that letter on facebook my friend had sent just asking her to man up to her cheating.. Sigh The thing is I can't even break NC! I have all this restraining order threats and all.. That might be good or bad I don't know! I just feel like I'm going insane at times

Edited June 2, 2011 by MT152

[Sugarkane]

There doesn't seem to be such a thing as closure. Unless your ex actually had the decency to sit you down and have a conversation with you. This seems very unlikey for a dumper to do. They prefer to lie and cheat and blame everything on the dumpee. How someone dumps another person really says alot about the person.

 

I never got any closure, thats an understatement. My ex dumped and insulted me by text, completely out of the blue. No answers, not even a conversation. He never contacted me ever again. Just compeltely left me high and dry.

[MT152]

There doesn't seem to be such a thing as closure. Unless your ex actually had the decency to sit you down and have a conversation with you. This seems very unlikey for a dumper to do. They prefer to lie and cheat and blame everything on the dumpee. How someone dumps another person really says alot about the person.

 

I never got any closure, thats an understatement. My ex dumped and insulted me by text, completely out of the blue. No answers, not even a conversation. He never contacted me ever again. Just compeltely left me high and dry.

 

No one really broke up with one another in my situation. If anything I broke up with her when I told her to leave my house.. But her not having the decency to talk to me even though she cheated is such a nerve wreck for me..

[MT152]

For anyone who cares:

 

I've kept to NC (Kind of forced into it since she doesn't want me to talk to her). All my plans of talking to her dad or anything else I just put aside and have forgotten about them. There's no use in anything. I've realized in the last few days how detrimental she was to my life anyways (Never motivated me, I had to push her all the time to do anything, allowed me to get in this lazy rut). I went out clubbing yesterday with my friend for the first time and honestly I'm not that type of person so I knew I had to drink until I was drunk so I wouldn't be a party pooper and so I did. Had a great time. Walked 8 miles earlier today and will be working out with my friend in the upcoming summer.

 

At this point, if she would come back I wouldn't necessarily jump right back into the relationship like I would have weeks ago.. hell maybe even a week ago. I'm glad I gave myself time to think because I now am relieved from my guilt and though it seems evil I focus more on the bad now when I think about 'us'. Before I only was able to see the good, even though those memories were less frequent, heh. I had an account I used to view her Facebook and I ended up deleting it like a week ago. My friends didn't say anything, I did it out of my own decision. It wasn't helping me, and I'm not going to move on if I inflict misery upon myself through viewing her facebook..

 

But yeah! Just updating you guys that I am way better than I was when I wrote this! The one thing I'm trying to focus on is trying to love myself.. my last 4 years has been her her her her.. Time for me!

[Melrapuo]

There really is no such thing as closure, to be honest. But, with that said, if you had complete closure and acted like you've never felt pain or heartbreak, then you would never learn from past mistakes and would never truly become happy in the future. So allow that scar to heal and always recognize it as a lesson on life, because without it you would never discover any real love to come.

[MT152]

For all those that are wondering.. I was keeping up NC and moving on until June 19thish when I finally got in contact with her. I know the general consensus is that I should avoid this and all, however my emotions got the better of me and I've been talking to her for about two weeks now. She told me about how she forced herself to get over me because she really thought we were not healthy for each other. She tells me she loves me and it honestly feels like 2007 again in our first year together.. She is talking to me about wanting to be together again and all and while I do hope it does work out I am not fully invested in this emotionally and still am trying to move on while this is all going through.

 

If we do get together again, I will be open for it. However, I won't allow myself to be fully invested just to get torn to shreds.