Relationship with ex boss

[Hedgehog]

Thank you very much guys, to all that answered to me. You don't know how much you helped me! I am going to apply some good advice I have got here...I also purchased an online version of a book that was recommended and amazingly this guy has some traits of being a psychopath, especially the chapter that describes the stare . Omg, this is the stare I was talking about! Something that I couldn't explain! It's exactly this...

I guess then it's useless to try to explain his behavior.

[OldOnTheInside]

I guess then it's useless to try to explain his behavior.

The reason for his behaviour is quite simple: he wants to **** you.

 

As everbody has already said, you need to stand up for yourself. I know married female co-workers that would have threatened a sexual harassment charge (probably wouldn't have stuck but their point is clear) on me if I ever tried to do some of this OM's rubbish.

 

I know he isn't your boss now but that doesn't mean that you need to tolerate his BS.

[Hedgehog]

The reason for his behaviour is quite simple: he wants to **** you.

 

In what sophisticated way!

 

I have gone through some process since i posted it here. With the help of great people in this forum i finally realized what happened. I would like to share it with you.

 

At the beginning when i was asked what is dragging me out of the house to seek this man, i couldn't answer. I didn't know! I have a great family and husband, why would i want to sacrifice all this for lust? I tried to justify it by not having other men in my life, except of my hubby. But soon i realized it doesn't work, because i was noted by men before. I had flirtations before, temptations here and there, men look at me - but I NEVER wanted to betray my husband. I NEVER had such a crazy desire to have sex with someone. The temptations were gone after little while and everything always came back to normal. In a current situation i am talking about a period of almost 2 years and it is just becoming worse! It's not dissapearing, but becoming more intense. I felt like that with each meeting with him the lust is growing. So there was something ELSE.

 

The solution was the stare.

 

I got a recommendation for a book 'why women love psychopaths', i did some research on the internet and found a wonderful article:

http://masksofsanity.blogspot.com/2009/02/stare-of-psychopath-whats-beneath-it.html

 

When i started reading it, with each paragraph, i realized that this is my situation. I fell into trap of a man that is a psychopath. EVERY sentence of this article describes this guy: charm, charisma, body language, ability to talk very nicely, lie, deceiving, masks that he is wearing. It explained me all the things i asked in this thread. The guy made me feel very special by telling me job related stuff (that real professionals not supposed to say), he made me feel that we have a special bond between us, he was telling me what i want to hear, he was playing a 'poor soul' so i feel pity for him, on the other side he was always showing me how smart he is (and he is very smart and intelligent - he knew i have weakness for smart intelligent guys - i told him myself!), and the main thing is a STARE.

 

Omg, those eyes (and he has beautiful eyes)! He could look into my eyes for long minutes, without blinking until i gave up. Yes, it was an animalistic stare. I even have a picture from one of the parties where he looks at me, he looks like a predator! This is really scary... The eyes were 'piercing' and the gaze lots of times moved to the lips which made me more crazy!!! It's hard to explain to someone that has never gone thorugh this, but that is exactly what i felt. When reading this article i was realizing that i felt into trap like a little mouse into cat's paws, i don't even know now what was truth and what was a lie, but this doesn't matter anymore. I could also understand why he got nervous when i was playing cold, because the prey is running away and he needed to do things to bring me back to the game.

 

And from what i understood these kind of people are usually emotionally detached, all they want is to dominate and control.

 

It was super hard for me to realize all these things, but it's better late than never. I am deeply into this man right now and i need to fight this. As people suggested here, i will cut all the contacts, no see, no hear... My husband knows about everything and is willing to help me. Funny thing is that when i was talking about this man behaviour while working in the company, my husband always told me his is a psycho - but i was always laughing. Now it's not funny. At all. I hope i will be strong enough to win the fight.

 

Thanks.

[Breezy Trousers]

The solution is simple. You go no contact (NC).

 

You also stopped looking like you "want it" every time he looks at you.

 

All a married woman has to do is talk about how much she loves H at home. That is a cold shower for potential MOM. However, I am certain you avoid discussing your H with potential MOM.

 

Pierre is right. Another book I often recommend here is Susan Cheever's Desire. In it, she describes how she was in a car with a MM. (She mentioned how dangerous confined spaces are with MM/MW, and I agree, because my experience with MM began with a conversation and smile between us in an elevator.) Anyway, Cheever says her conversation with MM was heading into dangerous territory. Being a reformed serial cheater, Cheever knew she had to think fast, so she began talking obsessively about her kids. It broke the spell. MM couldn't wait to drop her off.

[Hedgehog]

Pierre is right. Another book I often recommend here is Susan Cheever's Desire. In it, she describes how she was in a car with a MM. (She mentioned how dangerous confined spaces are with MM/MW, and I agree, because my experience with MM began with a conversation and smile between us in an elevator.) Anyway, Cheever says her conversation with MM was heading into dangerous territory. Being a reformed serial cheater, Cheever knew she had to think fast, so she began talking obsessively about her kids. It broke the spell. MM couldn't wait to drop her off.

 

That's a great advice. I am so happy i didn't get into his car afteir the last party when he proposed me a lift home! I don't know in what direction it could go. Happened to me in the elevator with him as well, it was full of people and he was standing very close, so i almost felt his breathing on my neck...

[Hedgehog]

My ex wife had an affair with an OM that was a sociopath. My wife was so thirsty for admiration, attention, and adoration that she could not see the sociopathic behavior. It took her years to accept how weird the OM was.

 

She tried very hard to have a reconciliation, but I could not make it to the end.

 

I believe you are very much like my wife and you are a set up for an affair despite having a nice H at home.

 

I just realized all this and pretty shocked... i am desiring to fight this, hope i will succeed.

 

P.S. I am pretty new here, can you explain me please what MM, OM, etc mean?

[Breezy Trousers]

I

 

And from what i understood these kind of people are usually emotionally detached, all they want is to dominate and control.

 

It was super hard for me to realize all these things, but it's better late than never. I am deeply into this man right now and i need to fight this. As people suggested here, i will cut all the contacts, no see, no hear... My husband knows about everything and is willing to help me. Funny thing is that when i was talking about this man behaviour while working in the company, my husband always told me his is a psycho - but i was always laughing. Now it's not funny. At all. I hope i will be strong enough to win the fight.

 

Thanks.

 

You remind me of me when I first started learning about this --- it's eye opening, isn't it? And it sure isn't flattering.

 

People who haven't been involved with this sort of disorder will roll their eyes because the majority of MM out there aren't crazy. Not me. It's not a joke when you do encounter someone like this. It's chilling. The odd thing is that we often get an intuition about them from the very beginning but discount it, especially if the person at issue is successful. Few people know what they are truly like until they become intimate/subordinate to them. I've only encountered two in 30 years and that was plenty. You're wise to institute NC and to educate yourself as a means of walking away.

 

You will probably find the free podcasts of Melanie Tonia Evans to be very helpful. She focuses on educating the public on narcissistic personality disorder (of which psychopathy is on the continuum) but but also empowers people not to be victims and to take responsibility for their role in these relationships. It sounds like that's what you want to learn.

 

There are lots of other good books on this topic out there. Check out the recommended books thread on this forum.

[Hedgehog]

BTW, the manipulation of a sociopath is 100% ineffective for folks that do not seek external validation. If anything a woman that is not needy and intrinsically happy would feel nausea with the behavior of your guy at work. OTOH, for a needy woman looking for external validation the sociopath is heaven sent. The excessive charm would make many people highly uncomfortable, however for folks like you is music to the ears.

 

 

Bingo again. I am very not sure of myself person, even though i am in a leadership position in the company. I always seek other people assurance of what i am doing or how i am working. I need it constantly. I think he got it and used it against me. I even cried in his office once, because someone else treated me badly. I can't beleive, i gave him all the information he needed!

[BB07]

I just realized all this and pretty shocked... i am desiring to fight this, hope i will succeed.

 

P.S. I am pretty new here, can you explain me please what MM, OM, etc mean?

 

Here is a good reference for you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228723/

[Hedgehog]

The odd thing is that we often get an intuition about them from the very beginning but discount it, especially if the person at issue is successful.

 

Oh yes, so true. He is a very successfull man. I always felt something is wrong, but closed my eyes rapidly and continued admiring him. Even when he was justifying things he did and my mind told me that is wrong, i always accepted them as right. It's unbeleivebale, once i stand up for my opinion and we had a huge fight over an issue. I said that he is not capable of solving anything, just pushing things under the rug and left. So he sent me a message later that day saying that he is sorry and he looked so miserable the day after when he looked at me that i melted like an ice cream under the sun!

[OldOnTheInside]

I am very not sure of myself person, even though i am in a leadership position in the company. I always seek other people assurance of what i am doing or how i am working

 

How do you intend to deal with this OP?

 

There is a very good chance that you will repeat the same mistakes when another man (if you can call them that) gives you the external validation you desire. It's cyclical.

[Hedgehog]

How do you intend to deal with this OP?

 

There is a very good chance that you will repeat the same mistakes when another man (if you can call them that) gives you the external validation you desire. It's cyclical.

 

I don't know... I live like this all my life I don't really understand why i have this, i was always successfull in everything i do in my life.

 

Btw, regarding validation, in my last working review he gave me almost all the high marks saying he never gave such high marks to anyone in the company. LOL. I am not saying i didn't deserve it, but he could omit the last sentence about others, but he didn't. One more trap.

[OldOnTheInside]

I don't know... I live like this all my life I don't really understand why i have this, i was always successfull in everything i do in my life.

 

Do you think that the reason that you are successful is so you can gain further validation from others?

 

Perhaps you should see a therapist or counsellor. Even talking to your husband and telling him that this is a serious problem and that you would appreciate his support would help.

 

To be honest, there's only so much that random people on the internet can do for you.

[whichwayisup]

Do you think that the reason that you are successful is so you can gain further validation from others?

 

Perhaps you should see a therapist or counsellor. Even talking to your husband and telling him that this is a serious problem and that you would appreciate his support would help.

 

To be honest, there's only so much that random people on the internet can do for you.

 

I agree. People do counselling for various reasons in their life. Now would be a good time to go or consider it.

[BB07]

How do you intend to deal with this OP?

 

There is a very good chance that you will repeat the same mistakes when another man (if you can call them that) gives you the external validation you desire. It's cyclical.

 

I suggested the same thing a few posts back.......unless she breaks this pattern it will be more of the same. BTDT.

[Mimolicious]

I would like to appologize for the length of this thread, but i really need help and desperate

I have been working in a company for the last 3.5 years. I am married with 2 kids and currently on maternity.

There was this guy, my boss, i didn't have a crush on him from the beginning. He invited me once to go with him on a business trip and i think from there where it all started. We didn't have sex, i have to mention(back then i wasnt ready for this). We worked together perfectly well, he promoted me, raised a salary and many times told me very private stuff related to job. I know he trusted me a lot, he was really thankfull for the job i was doing. He is married with kids.

The thing is that he was flriting with me all the time. I can't really explain it, but the way he looked at me was causing me to tremble. I wanted to finish this, so i was playing cold, but every time i did it, he started to be nervous and running around or sending stupid emails. So i melted, so he flirted again, and again it went nowhere. So i played cold again, and again he got nervous.. And so on and on. Everytime i was talking about my husband, i could see he didn't really like it.

Last year i got pregnant and told him that i am taking a year maternity. of course, while i was pregnant i wasn't interedted in anything...

Now he quit the job a month ago so i went to his leave party. I look good taking into account the little time passed since the birth of my kid. And again! This eyes! His is really a master of a sight! He drilled me with his eyes. He flirted with me with no words! I said to myself: ok, he is not my boss anymore, let me try. First, i tried to add him in the facebook, and guess what? He didnt' accept and didn't reject! I was hanging there for weeks, until i cancelled a request. I said to myself that i have to finish this asap, but there was another party where everything repeated.

In the last party he got drunk and proposed me a lift home, since I had my own car I refused. He was also "crying on my shoulder " about how bad he was treated when he left and about other things too. Afterwards, he was telling me how he is trying to keep in touch with everyone and organizing a party at his home and calling some employees to come, without inviting me of course. Also that he is having lunches with other employees. By talking to other people I realized that most of it was a lie. I don't understand why he had to lie to me about that!!!!! Why?! He was also staring at my lips while talking.

I am so tired and want to get out of this, i don't know how. I have a wonderful husband, we have great sex, but it doesn't help. Every time i see my ex boss i get crazy! he is really having a physic influence on me and i can't get out of it.

Can someone explain why he behaves like this? Does he like to see me suffering? He knows i am suffering, he knows what causes me to suffer and talks about it.

 

 

You want to get out of what??? I don't understand what is it that you are really into. Doesn't sound like you're in fact having an A with this person. Maybe you have postpartum depression? You do have a very small baby, to be overwhelmed with paying attention and "suffering" for someone that is drunk and staring at your lips. If he is flirting or not, it's not really your problem how he behaves. Now, maybe you are desperate for attention and your H is not giving you such.

 

My advice is to seekk some sort of help. You may be channeling other types of issues in the wrong direction.

[Hedgehog]

I am thinking about this man too much and want to stop it... That's what I am trying to get out of... I think it is somehow related to the birth of my kid, because I have some other issues as well, looks like a mild case of postpartum depression. Anyway, my husband does give as much attention as he can, since right now he needs to take a lot of care of my older kid as well...

[Mimolicious]

I am thinking about this man too much and want to stop it... That's what I am trying to get out of... I think it is somehow related to the birth of my kid, because I have some other issues as well, looks like a mild case of postpartum depression. Anyway, my husband does give as much attention as he can, since right now he needs to take a lot of care of my older kid as well...

 

 

And with all due respect... (the bolded) is your responsibility as well. You have 2 children and yet you are "suffering" over a man that has barely winked at you and licked his lips? Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but you're 30yrs old, Married and with 2 kids. Not a 13y/o teenager that can easily be fancied by someone starring at you. You're an adult. Start acting like one. Seek help if you can't cope. You owe it to your children, at least.

[Hedgehog]

It does sounds harsh, but you are absolutely right unfortunately

[Mimolicious]

It does sounds harsh, but you are absolutely right unfortunately

 

 

Seriously Hedge- if you feel a bit off, get some help. You may be going through something that with the proper help and treatment can really save you and your family a bit of drama. I really hope you get better and focus on your babies. Your ex-boss doesn't sound too grounded. Be careful!

 

Good luck!

[Hedgehog]

Seriously Hedge- if you feel a bit off, get some help. You may be going through something that with the proper help and treatment can really save you and your family a bit of drama. I really hope you get better and focus on your babies. Your ex-boss doesn't sound too grounded. Be careful!

 

Good luck!

 

What kind of help? Psycholog?

[Mimolicious]

What kind of help? Psycholog?

 

 

Yes. Maybe you can ask your MD for a referral and take it from there?! Who knows... sounds like you have a void. It wouldn't hurt to try to figure it out. I mean, you really didn't have anything with your boss and you're flipping your wig, even saying how you are suffering. That's extreme.

 

You'd be surprised what wacked out of order hormones can do to a person. I get that you said you know your ex boss for a few years, but as you put it your behavior is irrational compared to the acts. He has just mingled around you and you are seriously hurt?! Confusing. Sounds like there is a whole lot more going on in your little head, my dear.

 

Sad thing is that it can all crumble if you don't take the proper care.

[Hedgehog]

So after more than a month from our last meeting he sends me an email. He is asking me if i know anyone good looking for a job and btw tells me that he wants to have a lunch with me. I am guessing he wants to hire me to his new place. Maybe what i did was wrong but i replied back and said "Sure, i will let you know if i hear of anyone looking." and that's it... Not mentioning lunch or other things. This weekend there is an event where he will be, for sure i am not going and he will see it as well.

 

Now i am scared, i am scared because he can revenge, i put his ego down... what should i do?

[cheergirl]

In what sophisticated way!

 

I have gone through some process since i posted it here. With the help of great people in this forum i finally realized what happened. I would like to share it with you.

 

At the beginning when i was asked what is dragging me out of the house to seek this man, i couldn't answer. I didn't know! I have a great family and husband, why would i want to sacrifice all this for lust? I tried to justify it by not having other men in my life, except of my hubby. But soon i realized it doesn't work, because i was noted by men before. I had flirtations before, temptations here and there, men look at me - but I NEVER wanted to betray my husband. I NEVER had such a crazy desire to have sex with someone. The temptations were gone after little while and everything always came back to normal. In a current situation i am talking about a period of almost 2 years and it is just becoming worse! It's not dissapearing, but becoming more intense. I felt like that with each meeting with him the lust is growing. So there was something ELSE.

 

The solution was the stare.

 

I got a recommendation for a book 'why women love psychopaths', i did some research on the internet and found a wonderful article:

http://masksofsanity.blogspot.com/2009/02/stare-of-psychopath-whats-beneath-it.html

 

When i started reading it, with each paragraph, i realized that this is my situation. I fell into trap of a man that is a psychopath. EVERY sentence of this article describes this guy: charm, charisma, body language, ability to talk very nicely, lie, deceiving, masks that he is wearing. It explained me all the things i asked in this thread. The guy made me feel very special by telling me job related stuff (that real professionals not supposed to say), he made me feel that we have a special bond between us, he was telling me what i want to hear, he was playing a 'poor soul' so i feel pity for him, on the other side he was always showing me how smart he is (and he is very smart and intelligent - he knew i have weakness for smart intelligent guys - i told him myself!), and the main thing is a STARE.

 

Omg, those eyes (and he has beautiful eyes)! He could look into my eyes for long minutes, without blinking until i gave up. Yes, it was an animalistic stare. I even have a picture from one of the parties where he looks at me, he looks like a predator! This is really scary... The eyes were 'piercing' and the gaze lots of times moved to the lips which made me more crazy!!! It's hard to explain to someone that has never gone thorugh this, but that is exactly what i felt. When reading this article i was realizing that i felt into trap like a little mouse into cat's paws, i don't even know now what was truth and what was a lie, but this doesn't matter anymore. I could also understand why he got nervous when i was playing cold, because the prey is running away and he needed to do things to bring me back to the game.

 

And from what i understood these kind of people are usually emotionally detached, all they want is to dominate and control.

 

It was super hard for me to realize all these things, but it's better late than never. I am deeply into this man right now and i need to fight this. As people suggested here, i will cut all the contacts, no see, no hear... My husband knows about everything and is willing to help me. Funny thing is that when i was talking about this man behaviour while working in the company, my husband always told me his is a psycho - but i was always laughing. Now it's not funny. At all. I hope i will be strong enough to win the fight.

 

Thanks.

 

You reeeeaaaaaly have to; it's not worth it...

Your post really got me because I recognise my life soooo much in it. It actually scared me, the bit about the eyes... I'm going to read about it now...

[Lucky_One]

So after more than a month from our last meeting he sends me an email. He is asking me if i know anyone good looking for a job and btw tells me that he wants to have a lunch with me. I am guessing he wants to hire me to his new place. Maybe what i did was wrong but i replied back and said "Sure, i will let you know if i hear of anyone looking." and that's it... Not mentioning lunch or other things. This weekend there is an event where he will be, for sure i am not going and he will see it as well.

 

Now i am scared, i am scared because he can revenge, i put his ego down... what should i do?

 

You are SCARED? Really? Of what?

 

Because you didn't respond to a lunch invite? Oh come on....

 

You are reading WAY too much into everything. He's throwing out fishing lines, and if you are smart you won't bite. End of story. He will find someone else to screw, and life will not change for you.