co-cheese Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 We've lived together for a year now and everything has been going great, he's the sweetest guy I have ever met, however- he is not attracted to me. He tells me over and over that he loves me and that I have so much more to offer him than simply the physical. He insists that there's thousands of good looking girls out there but I am what he wants. That if he simply wanted someone to be attracted to it wouldn't be a problem to find one. I feel terrible about it. I wish he were attracted to me and love me. Of course I'd love to have both and I would never want to be in a relationship solely based on sex. Am I wrong in feeling this way? Should I just get over the fact that he does not find me physially attractive? Will it eventually become a problem? How important is sex in a relationship, really? Any help would be great! Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 I woudn't want to be with anyone who didn't find me attractive....regardless of how well we got along. That isn't lovers.....that's roommates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author co-cheese Posted April 14, 2004 Author Share Posted April 14, 2004 I know just what you mean! However, he'll be affectionate, we cuddle, we kiss, he holds my hand at home & in public etc... (haven't done that with past roommies ) It's just that I guess he's not use to being with a girl like me and all his past relationships have solely been based on sex. This time he's excited because it's "real". I don't know, I'm confused. Thanks for your reply! Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 I think it sounds like you just need to tell him that it does not make you feel good when he says this to you. I think it's perfectly okay to think it from time to time (no, it's not okay...but for the purposes of this post, it has to be since he has already come out and said it, for crying out loud), but he needs to stop. It does nothing for your self esteem to attach an insult to a compliment. Even if he means it 110% as a compliment, I know if I were in your shoes, all I would hear would be the bad part. Sounds like a great guy who likes the taste of feet in his mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
esperanza Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Co-cheese, He has a problem. Either he has a majoy maddona/whore complex or he's just not in love with you. Either way, you need to get out of this relationship. He is going to find someone else to satisfy his sexual needs whether he stays with you or not. As far as I'm concerned, telling you that he's not attracted to you is a form of verbal abuse and witholding sexual favors is a form of control. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Madonna-whore complex: To treat your lady like a saint in public and then like a whore in the bedroom. Usually inspired by love for the motherly side of women and lust for sex. From UrbanDicitonary.com I wish people would have a solid understanding of what they were saying before they gave advice. Link to post Share on other sites
esperanza Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 co-cheese Here's a link to an excellent discussion of the commonly accepted definition of the maddonna whore complex; Where the afflicted man has a problem being sexual with a woman he perceives as maddona-ike. Even better, it's a man asking for advice. http://www.mhsource.com/expert/exp1031003b.html Link to post Share on other sites
echocrush Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 OMG that's my ex!!! Link to post Share on other sites
arcadia Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 my boyfriend has a problem with the whole madonna-whore thing, too.. which is why he ended up cheating on me.. i caught him having cyber sex with a friend, saying things he would NEVER say to me. he claims he feels that he respects me too much to talk dirty to me. And of course i told him he better learn how or the relationship would not continue. Fortunately, i do think things like this can be resolved. most men don't realize they are doing it, i don't think. but it sounds like maybe your boyfriend might have a bit of this in him. You really need to tell him you need changes or you want out. being with someone who isnt attracted to you sexually will only get harder and will probably end with him cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 What kind of person would tell their live-in partner that they're not "attracted to them"...yet try to soften the blow by assuring them that they DO want to be with them.....and that although there's tons of good looking women out there, and despite the fact that he wouldn't have any trouble finding one, that he still wants to be with you. That's called a rude, back-handed compliment if I ever read one. What the hell is his motive in admitting to you that he's not "attracted" to you? Are you supposed to somehow feel all flattered that despite his non-attraction to you, that he's still wanting to be with you? You know....sometimes when people first meet, there's no attraction there, on one person's part or both.....but the "connection" that's based on personalities and such, it's what keeps things going UNTIL a time comes when you're so totally attracted to that person. I'm sure many here can attest to this, or have experienced it themself (I know I have...I've dated guys who I wasn't really attracted to in the beginning..but their sense of humour/their personality/their heart/their confidence/etc.....it intrigued me enough to stick around....until there came a point where I felt totally attracted to them).............but in your case, you've been together for a whole year.....you live together. If he's got the b*lls to tell you outright that he's not attracted to you, where do you go from here? Why did he need to tell you this? If he wants to remain with you, truly, what on earth would his divulging this information do for your self esteem and the relationship as a whole? Yes, as someone else said, it sounds like verbal abuse to me. Sort of verging on the whole "head game" avenue. Sadly, you make it sound like you're so thankful that he DOES hold your hand in public..and that he DOES kiss you. Hon, you DESERVE that.....it's not some "bonus" because he shows you affection. Sounds to me like his revelation has already eaten away at your self esteem, though maybe you dont' realize it. I couldn't tell from your post.....how is your sex life with him? Does he ever initiate sex with you? Does he make you feel sexually desired? (there's a big difference between being made to feel sexually desired and feeling like your guy is just horny and needs "a vagina"). Does he comment on your appearance? Your weight? Your body type? Does he EVER compliment any physical feature of yours? Your eyes? Your smile? etc. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 UrbanDictionary.com, it's good if you want to understand a word that you heard some kid say at the mall, but they're not academic definitions. Anyone can submit what they think the word is, with little to no moderation. Some are just wrong, I wouldn't trust it if it's integrity was questioned, a site like that doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 To the poster, you may not think it because he's so sweet to you, but you're being manipulated like hell. Don't put up with it, he's merely trying to get you to invest your self-worth in HIM, and because of his characteristic abusive behavior, it's not a good investment. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Sure doesn't sound like love to me. Well, platonic love or friend/family love maybe but not romantic love. I sure wouldn't like it if my gf told me that, in fact she wouldn't be my gf anymore. I mean, whats the point? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts