A different perpective on Marriage & Relationships

[Geminigrl]

So, I am not going to go into a bunch of detail about my life, except to say I have been married for a LONG time and I am getting a divorce. Have a had couple of affairs that are over now. Not condoning my behavior and honestly don't care what anyone here thinks about it anyway, I am ok with me and the choices I have made in my life. What I do want to talk about are my thoughts about relationships and the responses I often read on this site and hear in the real world.

 

There is an attitude I find when people talk about not being happy in their relationships, that they should stay despite their unhappiness. Granted, I do believe you owe it to whoever you are with not to just bail out at the first sign of trouble. Relationships are complicated and people are complicated and I do think we need to try to work things out to a point before giving up. But, I get very irritated with people's opinions and judgements that somehow you are a bad person if you decide you are not happy and you want out. It's like there is this obligation to stay because you made a commitment 20 years ago or however long it has been. Here's my two cents on this. For one, people change, we grow or we don't grow or maybe we don't but our partner does, or vice versa. We don't always know that what we want at 40, isn't going to be the same as when we were 20. We do age and some of us take care of ourselves and some of us don't. What I am saying is we are human and we are always in a state of flux and you put two humans together, throw in life's problems and children and things get really messy. Anyway, I hate this idea of staying in a relationship out of obligation. Honestly, I would rather be alone than have ANYONE stay with me because they feel obligated. To me that is probably the most pathetic reason to have someone stick around. Really, would anyone here honestly say they want their spouse to stay because they are obligated? And if yes, well I don't even know what to say to a person who feels that way. Talk about zero self esteem. And it seems not to just be obligation to the spouse or partner, but it becomes about obligation to your parents or their parents or your friends, community etc. Ridiculous. In my opinion we are ONLY obligated to our children. They didn't ask to be brought into this world and they are helpless...so we take are of them. Other than that sorry but I don't think we should feel obligated to our partner. It doesn't mean that leaving a marriage is easy. Generally speaking we probably love that person on some level or at least we once did. We can exit the relationship with dignity. There is no need to destroy the other person in the process or at least we should try to minimize the pain we cause. But, ultimately being true to ourselves is what is the most important. Sacrificing our own happiness for the sake of someone else isn't fair to anyone, not to us BUT also not fair to our partner. It robs them of their chance at true happiness and they are also getting the short end of the stick where we are concerned, because we become resentful when we stay out of obligation. I guess what I am saying is there is no prize for being a martyr to the cause. Basically, it just leads to a life of bitterness and anger. Not a particularly great way to live. Anyway, those are my thoughts on this issue. I hope I haven't offended anyone as it is not my intention to offend. I just get tired of reading all of these responses to threads slamming the person who posted because they want out, or they're not attracted to their partner, or they feel like they need more intimacy than they are getting and they have told their partner with no results.. Marriage is a partnership and when one partner isn't pulling their weight or the other partner wants out...it's time to dissolve the partnership and move on. Just my opinion.

[Lecturer]

I like this post and agree with it. There is definitely a flaw in the perception of the permanence of marriage. I have known of a few elderly couples that have done the whole life-time together thing (until old age/death). Almost all of them have clearly stayed together for religious reasons, resulting in their marriages being bizarre prisons... they had never been able to get involved with others, but clearly cease all romantic interactions with each other too. They sleep in separate rooms and, in some cases, on separate sides of the country.

 

In a couple cases, soon as one dies (it was the husband that died in both cases), the woman almost immediately starts dating a new man (a friend of the couple). Despite her/their advanced age, the woman and her attitude resemble a person in their youth... they actually get to experience romance once again!

 

I suppose, once upon a time, the benefit of marriage (security, stability, image, religious structure) was worth the cost (romance, freedom, sex). I'm not so sure that sacrifice is worth it in our modern culture.

 

In fairness I should point out that there was one couple that I knew where the couple maintained some semblance of romantic love for the 50 odd years they were together. Until the man died, and, as a result, the woman immediately crashed into senility (lost her mind). I guess that's the fairytale.

[ready4more]

I was married a long time ago for all the wrong reasons, he was still a boy, It was hard to get divorced I liked being married, No I loved being married, but just knew the day we got married it was a mistake, so I went through a divorce knowing my life would be hell, Maybe I will never be married again I only came across a lot of pain since then.

 

But he has been remarried twice and now is happy with the right one and is my friend on face book, A good friend, he's the one who gives me the best advice about men! He grew up and had his BS in life to deal with since our divorce, I made the right decision and knew it then - and know it even more now.

 

I've yet to meet the right one, But I do see I have some work to do first anyhow. I had more to learn than I had ever imagined and would have never learned it had I stayed in that marriage and he would not be a grown man now with the right woman for him.

 

Sometimes love really is letting go and not selfish at all.

[reboot]

I don't recall ever hearing anyone here, or irl for that matter, say that you should stay in a marriage despite being unhappy.

[Kriss]

I am ok with me and the choices I have made in my life.

 

Maybe that's the problem.

[Kriss]

just knew the day we got married it was a mistake

 

But you went through with it anyway?

[Geminigrl]

Kriss, you are exactly the kind of person I'm talking about. It's ok though, I have no problem with your thoughts about me. Think whatever you want. As I said before I'm ok with the choices I have made and your opinion is meaningless to me. I just feel bad for other people who come here looking for some support and get people like Kriss slamming them. You can be supportive of someone even when you wouldn't make the same choice as they have. It's about being a decent, kind, loving human being who recognzes we are all flawed. It's all good though Kriss, I know who I am and I have a pretty good sense of who you are from your response. I wish you the best Kriss. I'm not a hater.

[Geminigrl]

No one slammed you.

 

If you want to avoid making mistakes in your life in the future, then you have to recognize having made them in the past.

 

 

 

Decent kind loving human beings don't have multiple affairs and try to justify them. They also don't get married to other people knowing that they don't really want to get married.

 

Decent kind loving human beings acknowledge their mistakes and try to do better next time. They don't rationalize by saying "oh yeah I'm happy with my choices."

 

Exactly where did I justtify my choices Kriss? I said I don't condone my behavior. I just said I am ok with the choices I have made. In other words have made peace with them but I never said what I did was ok. You are making assumptions about my feelings and you really have no right to do that. But, really if you feel the need go ahead and judge me it doesn't make me feel bad. I don't care what you think about me. You don't know me, don't know what led to what I did or why and honestly who are you anyway? What gives yout he right to sit in judgement of others? In my experience, it's always the most insecure people who are the most judgmental. But really that isn't why I posted here. I didn't post this to talk about me and my choices. I posted here to talk about why people feel obligated to stay in relationships. Why are you making this about me? I am not looking for advice, opinions, judgements or support about my life in this thread. I am looking to hear people's thoughts about staying in relationships out of obligation. Can we talk about that please?

[Geminigrl]

In fact Kriss, just fyi I am not going to respond to any additional comments from you unless it's about the staying in relationships out of obligation part of my post. I don't want to talk about my life in this thread and so I'm not going to. Nothing personal but it wasn't the purpose of this thread. Thanks

[TigerCub]

So, I am not going to go into a bunch of detail about my life, except to say I have been married for a LONG time and I am getting a divorce. Have a had couple of affairs that are over now. Not condoning my behavior and honestly don't care what anyone here thinks about it anyway, I am ok with me and the choices I have made in my life. What I do want to talk about are my thoughts about relationships and the responses I often read on this site and hear in the real world.

 

There is an attitude I find when people talk about not being happy in their relationships, that they should stay despite their unhappiness. Granted, I do believe you owe it to whoever you are with not to just bail out at the first sign of trouble. Relationships are complicated and people are complicated and I do think we need to try to work things out to a point before giving up. But, I get very irritated with people's opinions and judgements that somehow you are a bad person if you decide you are not happy and you want out. It's like there is this obligation to stay because you made a commitment 20 years ago or however long it has been. Here's my two cents on this. For one, people change, we grow or we don't grow or maybe we don't but our partner does, or vice versa. We don't always know that what we want at 40, isn't going to be the same as when we were 20. We do age and some of us take care of ourselves and some of us don't. What I am saying is we are human and we are always in a state of flux and you put two humans together, throw in life's problems and children and things get really messy. Anyway, I hate this idea of staying in a relationship out of obligation. Honestly, I would rather be alone than have ANYONE stay with me because they feel obligated. To me that is probably the most pathetic reason to have someone stick around. Really, would anyone here honestly say they want their spouse to stay because they are obligated? And if yes, well I don't even know what to say to a person who feels that way. Talk about zero self esteem. And it seems not to just be obligation to the spouse or partner, but it becomes about obligation to your parents or their parents or your friends, community etc. Ridiculous. In my opinion we are ONLY obligated to our children. They didn't ask to be brought into this world and they are helpless...so we take are of them. Other than that sorry but I don't think we should feel obligated to our partner. It doesn't mean that leaving a marriage is easy. Generally speaking we probably love that person on some level or at least we once did. We can exit the relationship with dignity. There is no need to destroy the other person in the process or at least we should try to minimize the pain we cause. But, ultimately being true to ourselves is what is the most important. Sacrificing our own happiness for the sake of someone else isn't fair to anyone, not to us BUT also not fair to our partner. It robs them of their chance at true happiness and they are also getting the short end of the stick where we are concerned, because we become resentful when we stay out of obligation. I guess what I am saying is there is no prize for being a martyr to the cause. Basically, it just leads to a life of bitterness and anger. Not a particularly great way to live. Anyway, those are my thoughts on this issue. I hope I haven't offended anyone as it is not my intention to offend. I just get tired of reading all of these responses to threads slamming the person who posted because they want out, or they're not attracted to their partner, or they feel like they need more intimacy than they are getting and they have told their partner with no results.. Marriage is a partnership and when one partner isn't pulling their weight or the other partner wants out...it's time to dissolve the partnership and move on. Just my opinion.

 

I agree with you Geminigrl, especially with regards to the stuff in bold.

Although we may not be "obligated" to stay with our partners, I do believe that they deserve the best effort to make things right, they deserve dignity, respect and the truth.

 

Nothing in life is guaranteed, and so if relationships fail, that's fine, life is too short to waste being miserable, but IMO, I would at least want to try to fix it, if it can't be fixed, then yeah, I totally agree - no need for either party to stay out of obligation - I would never, in my life want someone around that truly doesn't want to be there.

 

Good post!