Fiance Cheated at a Strip Club

[hurting and stunned]

Hello, I'm new here.

 

I have been married two years. I found out that a month before my wedding, my fiance went to Tijuana just to see the place. While there, he got really drunk and stupid, and ending up having sex with a stripper in one of those clubs where they have private rooms. I guess down there the strippers do more than lap dances for a larger sum of money - say about 20 to 100 bucks.

 

Anyways, he had never been to a place like this, nor done anything of the sort the whole four years we dated, or the last two years since we been married. I just cant believe he did it. He says he didn't know what he was doing because of alcohol, and he did say he knows that isn't an excuse and that he does feel bad. He even went to pray about it after it happened. I just didnt even know about this untill now.

 

After I've already been married two years, I just dont know what to do or where to start. He has been fine - I know that - since we've been married, and he is not the kinda guy to do such a thing...such a dirty thing. He is not like that.

 

I keep trying to believe it wasn't on purpose and that had he been sober it wouldn't have happened. We were apart living in different cities the whole time we were engaged for like 6 months. I dont know if that factored in also, being apart and not having any passion in his life. I'm sure that helped this situation occur.

 

Please help me. I know he is truly sorry for this, and i know he wouldn't normally do this. He doesn't even normally go to strip bars or places like that.

 

What do I do with this??????? Please, lots of opinions! I'm so hurting right now...

[hurtingandconfused]

The stripe clubs down there are different from the ones in the U.S. First time I went I was offered head as soon as I entered the club. (Of course I said no)Men who go down there know why to go there. Sex is cheap and easy to get. My point is that he knew what he was doing drunk or not. He knew what kind of strip clubs "happen" in T.J.

 

I do not know why he gave you a lame excuse.

 

He doesn't even normally go to strip bars or places like that.

s*** happens. Are you willing to work things out with your husband? If you love him and can forgive him then you two should go seek counseling. He made a mistake, there's nothing he can do to undue his mistake. But can you live with him for the rest of your lives knowing what he did? Will you be able to be with him and not think of him as a cheater? Can you truly forgive him and move on for the best?

 

 

He is not like that.

You sure?

[amerikajin]

Let me ask you: how did you find out about this? Was he suddenly inspired by his own guilt or did he or someone else accidentally let the cat slip out of the bag? I think how this was revealed to you will probably answer many of your questions. If he tried to conceal it from you, then, whether he's cheating now or not, he's still perpetuating the dishonesty of that moment. And that being the case, I'd have to echo what Hurting said: how can you be sure he's really sorry? How do you know he's been faithful?

[swtbonita]

you husband cheated on you before you were married.. with some dirty chick that has had multiple sex partners.. so your loving husband just opened you up to the possibilities of stds..

 

he cheated on you.. period.. why should the excuse he gave you matter.. He cheated and you just found out now.. How do you know he hasn't cheated on you before?

[sunshinedaydream]

Something almost identical happened to me. I found out a year after marriage that he screwed his ex-g/f when he was drunk, around 2 months before marriage, two weeks after our engagement.

 

Some questions:

 

Does he drink a lot?

 

Has he ever blacked out when drinking?

 

Do you ever wonder if he has a drinking problem?

 

Do you drink?

[morrigan]

In what manner did you find out about his affair? I'd respect him a lot more if he at least had the honesty to tell you what he had done.

 

Do you truly feel that this was one the affair he has had, and that he will never do this again? Has he been honest about what happened and sincerely apologized for his decision to have sex with this woman, or is he simply blaming it all on the alcohol?

 

I don't think you're going to be able to get past what has happened unless you feel strongly that this was a one time occurence, and that you have no other lingering doubts about his infidelity. But if you do stay in this marriage, make it clear that any other affairs will be the cause of you getting a divorce.

 

Also, he needs to have some STD's tests run--sorry, but he may not have only exposed himself, but you as well, to a disease.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by hurting and stunned

Hello, I'm new here.

 

I have been married two years. I found out that a month before my wedding, my fiance went to Tijuana just to see the place. While there, he got really drunk and stupid, and ending up having sex with a stripper in one of those clubs where they have private rooms. I guess down there the strippers do more than lap dances for a larger sum of money - say about 20 to 100 bucks.

 

Anyways, he had never been to a place like this, nor done anything of the sort the whole four years we dated, or the last two years since we been married. I just cant believe he did it. He says he didn't know what he was doing because of alcohol, and he did say he knows that isn't an excuse and that he does feel bad. He even went to pray about it after it happened. I just didnt even know about this untill now.

 

After I've already been married two years, I just dont know what to do or where to start. He has been fine - I know that - since we've been married, and he is not the kinda guy to do such a thing...such a dirty thing. He is not like that.

 

I keep trying to believe it wasn't on purpose and that had he been sober it wouldn't have happened. We were apart living in different cities the whole time we were engaged for like 6 months. I dont know if that factored in also, being apart and not having any passion in his life. I'm sure that helped this situation occur.

 

Please help me. I know he is truly sorry for this, and i know he wouldn't normally do this. He doesn't even normally go to strip bars or places like that.

 

What do I do with this??????? Please, lots of opinions! I'm so hurting right now...

 

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

Here's what I personally think.....you have been violated by him, and you need to NEVER forget that. Truthfully, I'd be willing to walk away from him over something like this. I would feel that I didn't really "know" him.

 

You say he's "not like this", when actually he IS because he did such a thing. Alcohol or not, he put himself in that strip club when he was sober. Alcohol is NOT an excuse, period.

 

Here's what does matter for you with your situation. IF he truly feels remorseful, which he really might be since he told you about this, this really might can be resolved and worked out with a counsellor. Trust is SUCH a fragile thing, as only suspicion can destroy it.

 

I think what he did was sleezy and disrespectful to you, and he just shouldn't have put himself in a strip club like that in the first place.

 

If YOU feel that this can be worked out, that's what matters.

 

Good luck to you

[overseas2004]

Yes what he did was horrid and I would be disgusted by him and also scared that he did not catch HIV or something else and pass it on to me. What is even more horrible is that it took him 2 years to tell you. He kept it hidden. How did you get it out of him by the way? Was this a spontaneous confession or did you find some fact out that led to the revalation.

 

On the other hand you married him and it would be very difficult I think personally to divorce for something that happened one drunken night. He did make an ugly mistake. Yet it was human. And I think you should try for the sake of what you define as a good marriage to forgive him.

 

HOwever don't make it easy on him....

 

Take care and keep us informed.

[hurting and stunned]

I actually knew he went there three months after the wedding, and I knew that he had did other things besides actually doing the deed.

 

He is in the military and gone a lot in this last two years. I brought up the situation and since he just got out of the military. He said it was time to tell me, because he couldn't tell me before, and then have to leave me for a few months at a time.

 

He new I couldn't handle dealing with it until he would be home for good. He doesn't ever drink hardly. I know what you are thinking. He is in the military and leaves a lot, then has he cheated since then. No, I strongly feel he has learned his lesson from this and wouldn't do it again. It was a one time thing. He never even drinks hardly ever since that. Even when it happened he wasn't a heavy drinker...just going out with his buddies. That is how this happened. I do not drink myself.

 

I'm so undecided. Had this happened since our marriage, of course I would leave him, but it happened before, and that's why I don't know how to handle this.

[amerikajin]

Tough call.

 

He could have denied it, so in that sense he was honest; however, it took some follow up interrogation, so it's not as if he was entirely inspired by his own guilt.

 

I think you just have to go with your gut and see how the relationship feels. You'll look at him in a different light now, obviously, but that doesn't mean you can't have a good relationship with him. Couples can survive these things. Not that it's an excuse, but perhaps his lifestyle in the military beforehand wasn't so conducive to a stable home life. Just play it out...see how it goes.

[bye2past]

Ooh...I'm very sorry this had to happen to you. I had a similar experience with my fiancee, so I know firsthand how it feels.

 

You're disappointed, hurt, and unsure if you can trust him, right? I mean, even after two years of marraige, it's like he lied to you. It kind of feels like the marriage was predicated on a lie...

 

If he really isn't the type to drink or fool around, I would say this was a big mistake on his part. And it sounds like he knows that too. You have to realize that he probably doesn't think back to that time, and most likely wishes it never happened. You know, I strongly disagree with that guy who wrote you before about how "guys know what they're doing when they go to Tijuana." While that might be true for some guys, it sounds like your husband was a victim of peer pressure -- something that's very common among comrades-in-arms. I could be totally wrong, but I'd prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

My fiancee and I were also in a long-distance relationship, so I understand firsthand what that is like, too. After it happened, I thought long and hard about it for a couple of weeks, crying and doubting almost the whole time. It occurred to me that maybe her experience had to have happened in order for her to realize how much she loved me. I never doubted her love before, but this heartbreaking experience just solidified her commitment to me. And she was definitely not the kind of person to fool around or cheat, drink, etc.

 

Now, she is very sorry about it, and I truly believe she had no intention of things going that far -- just as you believe the same about your husband. (And I don't know about you, but I've also done some pretty stupid $hit after drinking a lot. Which is why I've stopped drinking to get drunk.)

 

I once read that people's pasts define who they are, and are essential to forming one's character. So the choice is yours: you can accept his past (like my username), live through the pain, and love him for who he has become...or you can separate from him and take time to think things over. But what I would NOT do is divorce! Best of luck.

[Janice]

He did this when the two of you were engaged to be married correct? So you two were in a "relationship". Did this not matter to him? Did he think since he wasn't married yet he could screw some nasty prostitute and it not matter?

 

Turn the tables and ask him how he'd feel if you told him you slept with another man shortly before you got married.

 

Bet he wouldn't be too happy hearing you did something like that too.

 

It's like men jacking off to porn. They do it saying it's not sex - it's just for release. But if all of us women mastubated to porn and naked men with big hard ons - they would be all over us ragging on us calling us cheaters.

 

Men are self absorbed - when their dicks are hard all they want to do is please themselves anyway - anyhow.

[bye2past]

Well at least you're not bitter, Janice...

 

I must defend that masturbating IS just for release. I understand your point about if the tables were turned. I don't believe we would call you a cheater...if anything, we'd feel insecure about it and try to fix ourselves. Please hear me out... I wrote about this on another post, and I'll requote it here because it's relevant:

 

"A lot of guys I know in wonderful relationships look at porn as merely a sexual outlet. Some guys just look at it to satisfy their wandering eye. Ask yourself, which would you rather - your man masturbating to porn on the internet, or actually seeing other women to release the sexual tension? [The assumption is that men build up sexual tension.]

 

Don't feel inadequate in comparison. We generally don't compare you to porn stars, because you're not a porn star. I say we don't 'generally' compare you because we WILL compare you [sexually speaking] if we feel there is something lacking in the relationship, just as you would if you felt your emotional needs weren't being met. If you're really worried about it, I would suggest being more adventurous in bed. I used to be a porn freak until I met my fiancee. She's very open to anything sexually, and once my sexual desires were consistently satiated, my "porn days" were over in a hurry. Did you know that every guy looks at porn differently? One guy may love a particular woman's lips, and another may be totally focused on her butt. What does your signifcant other like?

 

I know a lot of women don't like this, but let me tell you...oral sex goes a looong way. It's hard for a man to resist a woman who likes giving oral sex. This is part of the attraction to the porn stars online. ... Do you really know what your significant other wants? Or do you think he just wants 'sex' all the time?

 

Again, if you're worried, I'd suggest experimenting in bed with him. Surprisingly, he may be resistant at first, because his idea of you until now hasn't included 'adventurous.' Your goal here is to replace the porn spot in his brain with you. I don't mean be a "slut," even if that's what you think we like. It's not. We don't want you to be a slut. Sluts are sluts. We want you to be YOU, but be a sex freak like us.

 

Really, it's less important that you actually are a sex freak than if you're willing to TRY to be one. If you're completely close-minded about trying new things, that will automatically force us to look elsewhere to satisfy our fantasies, whether it's porn or whatever, because we feel that our need isn't being fulfilled. If you honestly try new things with us (even if you didn't like it with an ex), and you still honestly don't like it, then it's no big deal. We can definitely accept that and very much love that you tried.

 

Remember - be sexually open. We like experimentation. And you can bet that if you've done anything sexually exotic with an ex, we want at least the same treatment. In other words, whatever you did in the past with that tall-dark-and-handsome from Italy, we want it too. Anything less suggests you don't want us as much as you want 'Sergio.' No matter HOW young and stupid you say you were."

 

With all of that being said, hurting and stunned, accidents happen. Accidents that hurt us, test our love and relationship. As a victim of an "accident" myself, I definitely know how hard that can be to stomach. But like I said before, the choice is ultimately yours. You can accept and move on, or be bitter, hurt, and resentful.

 

Best of luck

 

P.S. I'm not trying to condone his actions - he cheats, you accept. No no no. You can rake him over the coals as much as you like (within reason), but for your own personal closure, you have to be willing to either accept and move on, or stay bitter.