My FWB situation...

[eridamlay]

Hi,

 

I am wondering if you all could give me some advice and/or perspective. I would also like to make the following disclaimer that there are some things I've done that are truly wrong and hurtful towards another human being. I realize I am a total and utter hypocrite as I would never want these things to be done to me in reverse. So, I do not mind hearing your criticism, as I am already aware of how f*cked up for my participation in these events. I would, however, really appreciate some sincere advice about what I should do. This is long, so please bear with me, and I greatly appreciate anyone who is willing to read all of this crap!!!

 

I met my guy friend 2 years ago when we started graduate training. We somehow just "clicked" personality-wise and intellectually. I never felt any chemistry with him and I pretty much assumed the same on his part. We just enjoyed hanging out as we seemed to connect really well, as he would talk about his dating situations and I would talk about mine, and we'd ask each others' advice about various people we were dating, or gripe about the opposite sex in general, etc...

 

People in my class assumed there was something going on between us(because our program is a little high-schoolish in that sense), because we'd be sitting together or walking together frequently. At one point in class he put his arm around me and I guess some people noticed. It felt awkward, but he's a very outgoing kind of guy and this isn't really out of character for him, although he didn't do that with others. That was over a year and a half ago, and NOTHING transpired from the arm situation in the immediate sense. At various times throughout the course of our friendship, I would in fact pull away from him -- or we'd go weeks without communicating, but not due to any discord but mainly because, quite honestly, I had too much going on. Sometimes, however, I found him slightly annoying and persistent about our friendship. There were a couple of times where I cut our time together short or ignored some of his texts, at which point he'd try to get ahold of me and something like, "Is everything ok between us? I just want to make sure..." I couldn't figure out this behavior. I was confused, as I've never had a "true" guy friend who I think genuinely cared for me only as a friend without the intent of pursuing sex. Strangely, he NEVER made a move on me in any situation where he totally could have. In fact a lot of our hang-outs were over lunch, where he would like to sit and talk for extended periods (he's quite the talker). Although I enjoyed his company and having our intellectual conversations, I just didn't have a lot of extra time and energy, especially considering the demands of our particular training program. Another thing is, I am a divorced mother of two and I had to balance my role as a mom on top of everything else-- moreso than some of my classmates--so my time is very limited.

 

Last year, he met my son and my dad on a random occasion. My dad's a season ticket holder for football and his friend cancelled out a the last minute. So to take his place, my dad wanted me to ask a friend. Thus, my guy friend is a fan of the same team, so naturally, I asked him. So, he met my son and dad and we all had a good time. He was introduced to them as JUST a friend -- nothing more and nothing less, and we acted accordingly. But my dad really liked him and thought he was a really good looking guy. He said, "so there's really nothing going on between you two?" At which point I laughed and said "OMG, hell no. We're just friends!!!"

 

When my guy-friend and I first met, he was dating around and getting into all kinds of shenanigans with girls from other programs outside of our particular field but a the same school. Apparently there was some drama involved though I didn't care about specifics. I laughed it off and I was like, whatever -- don't care to know. Thought to myself, wow, he's probably playing these girls, and it's interesting to finally get to see the other side of a player from a friends-only standpoint. Around the 9 mo mark of our friendship, both he and I got into relationships that were a little more serious. He started dating a girl he'd known for a long time. She was just getting out of a crappy marriage and was actually living across the country, but they were conteplating her moving out here. She also wants to pursue the same field we are in, but there are a TON of prerequisites and stuff she needs to do before she can apply -- and most likely (like the majority of us applicants) she won't have the luxury of picking to attend whatever program she wants. Around the same time, I began dating someone for about 6 months and my guy-friend and I sort of lost touch over the summer. We then resumed our friendship once school started back up in the fall. Then my relationship ended and I was totally devastated over this one. The guy cheated and lied to me, and my guy friend provided me some solid insight into the inner-workings of a guy who's only after sex from a woman. In the aftermath, I was utterly disappointed and depressed, and it screwed up my ability to focus on anything. But my friend was really there to help pick up the pieces. We would study together late at night, and he'd continually talk to me for hours on end about my break up. Looking back, I displayed the most pathetic and embarrassing emotions in front of him but he didn't judge me or get frustrated with my constant ruminating and borderline obsession about it. I think anyone else would have probably thought I was crazy!

 

One night last fall, I decided I just needed to have sex and I wanted to see if this would help me release some of my frustration over my ex. So when my we made plans to study as usual, I suggested he just pack a bag and stay over so we could study extra late without him having to walk home (he lived a mile away). And of course, after our study session, we ended up sleeping together for the first time. This happened a couple more times. At the time, he was living with some roomates who were also classmates, but was trying to keep our situation discrete and still maintaining his long distance relationship -- which was already on the rocks. Somehow, we managed to maintain our normal friendship outside of this without any resulting awkwardness, as neither one of us seemed to care where this casual sex thing was going. One day after class, we went to lunch (where I droned on and on about my ex) and afterward, I thought about how great a friend he was to be such a good listener, and non-chalantly texted him that it seemed like he and I were better suited for each other than our current company (his gf and him were still having problems). He texted back saying, yes that does seem to be the case, but he made a deal with himself a while ago that he wouldn't get involved with anyone outside his Christian faith. I didn't even care that his response shot me down, as my comment had harmless intention and there was no emotion behind it. We remained friends but around winter-time, we stopped having sex. He was busy with his gf who had just moved across country and in with him and his roommates, bringing an abrupt change to his life. He still wanted to go to lunch randomly, but we were both busy, and I was still nursing my wounds over my previous ex and resolving to NEVER get into a relationship again. Then, I began this man-hating phase where I'd do nothing but talk about how relationships suck and how I'd never get in one again, nor would I ever have sex again. Life was good and I went for 4 months without sex! My friend and I would still hang out, go to lunch, etc, and he would continue to listen to my constant bullsh*t about my ex and continue to tolerate my hatred filled comments about men. He'd talk about his girlfriend, and their ups and downs and said that her immaturity and insecurity were really getting on his nerves, but he was trying to make it work.

 

Then, about a month ago, it's like a switch had flipped, and he started wanting to hang out TONS. He text me some borderline non-friendly things, like, "I miss hanging out like we did in the fall," and "when will I get to see you now that our third year of training is starting and getting more busy?" One day after we went to lunch for a couple of hours, he texted me, "hey, it was great hanging out. I feel like I'll never get to see you this upcoming year. I'm going to be on campus still for the next few hours, can I come by and see you again?" I was always nice and friendly, sometimes saying yes other times saying no, depending on my availablility as I was extremely busy doing other things. Sometimes in the last few weeks, he would text me 4 or 5 texts in a row telling me. "hey! I'm walking by your house...are you home?" Then a missed phone call. "hey, are you there?"...then, "Sad to have missed you...was looking forward to seeing you", etc... (I live near school). We were NOT having sex at this time and him and his girlfriend had recently moved out roomates house and into their own apartment. They were planning on living together only temporarily, and the plan was that she would find a place of her own once she found a job, which she was having a hard time doing (he says they shouldn't be living together because they are Christian, and they recently stopped sleeping together because of that as well). Ok, I could be totally naive here -- but at this point, I had made it VERY clear to everyone that I wasn't going to be having sex anymore, which he seemed to really respect and never made any moves or put any pressure on me. I was confused because I don't know what his true intentions were behind his interest in seeing me all the time. So one night I texted him, telling him I was confused and asking if he was still hoping to hook up with me. He responded that he of course thinks about it but never would have brought it up given how I was feeling emotionally about men. Then he apologized profusely and asked if it would be weird to hang out now that he said that, hoping it didn't upset me because he enjoyed hanging out with me. I said no, it's all good!!!! Then we resumed our friendship as usual.

 

Then a couple of weeks ago, something changed for me. After reflecting on my feelings for him and our friendship, I started thinking about him on a more-than-friends level. I thought about how he'd been there for me though some really hard times. I also started feeling more romantic chemistry with him like never before. One day after lunch, when he went to hug me goodbye, we held each other for almost 5 minutes and his heart was beating so fast. It was kind of intense. Sure enough, the next time he came over to hang-out, my newfound sexual desire towards him overruled my good judgement and I made a move on him. This happened a couple more times after hang-outs. On one occasion where we DIDN'T sleep together, we discussed the concept of marriage and how it seems to mean very little to people nowadays because infidelity was so rampant (both of us recognizing and admitting our own crappy relationship behaviors as well). He also started saying things about his religious faith and how he wanted to only get married once and believed in fidelity during marriage wholeheartedly. I agreed with him on some of his views, but I told him I didn't believe in marriage anymore and reiterated my non-religiousness. Later that night, I cried in front of him, telling him we couldn't be friends anymore, but without giving a solid reason why. Even though his girlfriend was expecting him home, he stuck around wanting to talk and trying to figure out what was bothering me. He texted me a day later apologizing for putting me in whatever position I was feeling and seemed to assume my crying was due more to the fact that I just didn't want casual sexual relationships with men anymore.

 

And I let him think this for a while, because I was too much of a sucker to own up to my new feelings for him. I hated the thought of losing our friendship too. We exchanged some texts over the course of a few days, and he started saying that he doesn't think his gf and him are going to work out in the long term, but he feels bad that she moved all the way out here. He is hoping to wait until she gets a stable job so she can move out until he cuts her lose (yeah, real considerate!). She's even found out about our friendship and become highly suspicous of me and him (and rightfully so!!) But he said she's jealous of just about anything and everything he does, and extremely demanding. Because of this, she accuses him of having lost complete interest in her, which may be complicated (I'm sure) by the fact that he is hanging out more with me too. On top of that, apparently she is envious of him being in school and getting to do what she wants to do. Yet ironically, and in his defense, she places so many ridiculous and inconsiderate expectations on him, without respecting the fact that he is going through very rigorous training this year.

 

A couple of days ago, I broke down and texted him that i have totally screwed up our friendship at this point, and he asked how so, because he didn't feel that way. I did not tell him why, but I danced around the issue a little. He asked if he could stop by and see me the next day (yesterday) after he got off work. When he came over, first we talked about his current gripes with his girlfriend. Apparently, she kept him up til 4am wanting to talk about their relationship and that she felt he wasn't there emotionally with her anymore. He was irritated because things with her never change no matter how much they talk, and because he didn't get any sleep his day was really long day and sh*tty because he was so tired. He was really fed up and didn't know what else he could do to please her (I'm thinking, well maybe stop having sex with ME?). But he also said he was contemplating one last shot with her, even though he knew it wouldn't have a good outcome, but just for the sake of knowing he gave the relationship his ALL. Then we proceeded to have the most ridiculous, passionate sex I've ever had in my whole life. (What a contradiction!) Afterward, we sat on the couch and I told him again that I just couldn't do this anymore, not only because my guilt was eating away at me, but because things had changed for me. He kind of acted clueless, saying he understood, but continued to assume it was because of my hatred for getting into meaningless romantic entanglements and because I didn't want to participate in his cheating behavior. I asked him if he felt bad about cheating on her and he said not too bad, but he's concerned about making me upset at this point. I asked him if he'd ever cheated on her before me and he said yes, once in the beginning, before she moved out here and before he and I started sleeping together. I guess I was trying to get a frank understanding of what kind of relationship material this guy is, and all signs point to pure BADNESS. But, in all fairness, he knows I have done the same crappy thing in almost all of my long-term relationships when things arent going well, so unfortunately, we can commiserate on that issue.

 

Further into the conversation, he continued to seem clueless about my subtle hints...but eventually I fessed up, in not so many words. He got really silent and looked down. I started to cry and apologized. I felt ashamed and told him I desperately wished it weren't true, as I value our friendship so much and wish we could continue our friendship as it was before--cuz FWB was great. While I told him I was so pissed at myself for ruining our friendship, he sat there and held my hand and hugged me telling me not to feel bad. It was more intense than any moment we've ever shared. I asked him for space so I could resolve this and he said he understood, and I could call him without any awkwardness from him when I was ready. I told him I probably wouldn't, as I don't think our friendship could ever be the same, but he said he definitely thought it could. Then I sort of asked if he could ever fathom me as being something more than a friend to him in any way. He replied that he made a deal with himself not to get into a relationship with someone who doesn't share his faith, but he seemed nervous. Then I asked him, so if faith wasn't an issue, is there any other reason he wouldn't consider it? And he said not at all.

 

Then he said that he didn't want to "put any pressure" on me, but then he seemed embarrased for saying that. When I leaned over to hug him and kiss him he said that I should read a book he told me about a few weeks ago...about Christianity (Oh the irony!). I asked if it would be weird to become newly involved in Christianity under these circumstances, and he said no. It was a very strange conversation where we were both implying things without coming out directly and saying them. At the end of our visit, we both decided it would be best to not communicate for a little while, as I have an extremely huge professional obstacle to overcome in the next few weeks and he is stressed out trying to figure out what to do with his doomed relationship and the living situation, on top of the fact that his schedule recently became ridiculously hectic.

 

We both genuinely care for each other on a level I've never experienced with someone before...and we both purely enjoy being in each other's presence without a ton of complications.

 

But now I can't help but feel at a loss for what to do here. I don't know whether to be happy or hopeless about our friendship, or even the possibility of us being together. I want to STOP dishonoring his relationship with his girlfriend...and I WILL follow through with that. But I'm interested in knowing if this is a horrible situation to get involved in or not? I mean, I know the guy pretty well and since we've both been so honest with each other in the past, I know know all of his flaws a little TOO well! But I can't help myself now. And I have honestly NEVER considered doing something so drastic as exploring a religion I have no affiliation with in the name of a relationship, and I certainly wouldn't feel right about doing that without sincere intentions either. But I think I'm in love with the guy...

 

Funny thing is, I'm not wallowing in depression or anything, but I just want to know...Do you think he feels the same way about me? Do you think he a master-manipulator who was plotting to taking advantage of me (my best friend, who has never met him has said this). Is this is even worth it, or I should run like hell from this guy? My intuition tells me that he has been genuine about me all along and that we've BOTH enjoyed the fringe benefits, but now I don't know what to think.

 

Advise and respectful criticism are welcome...Thank you for taking the time to read!