BB07 Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Good post Breezy. Link to post Share on other sites
bigmomma1974 Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 your the one that has to figure out what to do, so what if your parents will be upset with you. Your a grown woman if your being mentally abused its time to get out. your kids are raised and you do not have to answer to anyone., What you choose to do with your life is your business. As for all your friends being involved with the church, I am sure if they knew about the abuse they would support you. Talk to your pastor/preacher maybe he has some insight information that can help u. As for your online affair and feeling hurt that is normal and maybe it hurts so bad cause he showed you respect and kindness and wasn't abusive towards you. LEave your husband and make a life for you. Do not use the excuss you been married 25 yrs and wouldnt know where to start. There is all kinds of help out there just look for it, THen maybe after you leave your hubby establish employment you can start to heal and find true love. Love isnt abusive remember that.. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Let me just say I have never done anything like this before. I am married and met a married man online through a game. He pursued me alot. He and I are both Christians and have alot in common. Initially, I turned him down and then began to fall for him. I've never met him and this emotional affair has only lasted two months or longer, I'm not sure. We've talked on the phone alot. My marriage has been to a verbally abusive man so this new man has really helped me boost my self esteem. I've fallen for him. I know he feels the same although we have never said we love eachother. He told me about two weeks his wife was becoming suspicious and said "you aren't here anymore, you are some place far away, aren't you". My husband would never suspect anything. Yesterday, he resigned from the game and said his wife found our texts and asked him to choose. He said he had to resign and told her she could have full access to his texts. I didn't get that message right away so started a new game. He played once and said he was sorry but he promised his wife he would have no contact with me. I them resigned from the game and haven't contacted him since. I don't plan on it. I'm not sure if he will call me or not once the long weekend is over. He would always call from work so she wouldn't find out. I certainly didn't expect this to hurt so much! I haven't slept since it happened. That was yesterday. I tried to nap today and woke up when I started dreaming about him. Is this normal? Do you think he will contact me this week by phone? I'm just so hurt he ended it via text message. It felt like I was punched in the stomach. Is this normal? Thanks for any insight you have. If you have time, go back and read my posts. You hurt now... it doesn't compare to how you'd hurt after a physical affair. Be thankful you can stop now. You may need couseling. I wish I had gone to counseling before I had an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Hey Kariva, are you going to live your life for everyone elses enjoyment, or are you going to live your life for your enjoyment? Think hard about that one. You lived your life for everyone else for at least 20 years, i think its about time for you to live for yourself now, and damn anyone who doesnt support you in that. Find some new friends. Link to post Share on other sites
fascinated Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I can definitely relate. Been married 21 years, have 2 part-time jobs and my own business from home but neither make enough money to support myself or have benefits like health insurance. What family I have would not be supportive of a divorce because they like H. There are days when H is "better" and nice to me, so I can see that maybe there is hope, while on other days I think I can't stand one more day. I'm in an EA that I don't want to end because often his texts are the happiest part of my day. I've started some individual counseling and it's helping me cope. It's nice to have someone to talk to about it, and the therapist is able to put it in perspective with my life experiences. I highly recommend it if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Thanks so much for all of the replies especially from the online gamer I know I could get a job. I do have a photography business that is part time that I love. My husband built a studio in my basement for me. Financially he has given me everything I want and I'm not sure if I want to give everything up. I know I need counseling. I was online the other day looking for a counselor. I know if I met the right person, I would have an affair. I know you all probably think I'm a bad person now. I'm really not. If I left my husband, it would kill my parents and kids. They would never forgive me. I told my husband a week or so ago I want out. He's been trying once again to be nice. I just feel there is more to life than this. Now I am hurting. I won't contact the mm again because I respect his wishes, but it hurts alot. I am an attractive woman and have kept myself in good shape. I just want the hurt to go away. I'm so confused. The hurt won't go away through an affair, trust me on that. Please don't worry about your parents or children. They want you to be happy. If you don't think you want to stay married, you can leave. An affair will not make you happy. A man will not "fix" you. Please consider counseling. I know you hurt and I hurt for you. Just know that the pain will not go away as long as you're having ANY kind of affair...emotional or physical. You may have some temporary spurts of happiness but the consequences are much worse than you can imagine. It is not worth it at all. Don't let an affair be an option unless you are prepared to hurt more, hurt your husband, and possibily other people in your life. This hurt you feel will go away if you find out what is making you unhappy and how you can move forward in your life. I wish I could give you a hug now. Link to post Share on other sites
fascinated Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Well, I understand thinking that being a stay-at-home-mom is your primary job, the ones that make make from home are secondary. I still consider myself a SAHM and only mention the income earning things when someone decides incorrectly from that description that I'm not doing anything but sit on the couch eating bon-bons. The wonderful part is when husbands value the SAHM as your primary function, evidently something a lot of posters here do not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kariva Posted May 30, 2011 Author Share Posted May 30, 2011 Thank you so much for the replies. I've reread each and every one. I think what I really need to do is get my head on straight. It is apparent that right now I am having so many conflicting emotions and I don't know what to do or where to turn. I'll be going back to school in the fall and I think that will help. Whoever said a man will not help is right! You guys have been giving me the same advice I used to give my friends when I was young and single. An affair will only complicate matters. Can you imagine if his wife found out and told my husband? Maybe I'm not thinking clearly. I'm not sure what love fog is. I just miss being able to share every detail of my day with somebody who wanted to know what I'm doing. Does this make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
fascinated Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Yes, it makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine63 Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Wow...you are really hurting and you’re entitled to your pain. I am sorry you were so let down and in such (what seemed to you) to be an uncaring way. No one can know what this other person is feeling. Just know that you were meeting a need for him during your "emotional affair." Relationships where one or both people are unavailable rarely ever work out, and ultimately, everyone ends up hurting. I am not judging you—I have been in your shoes sister! I too loved a married man and it was the most painful experience I have ever had in my life. Though, after finding a good therapist I was able to work on ME! I got better and I learned to understand what was driving my need to connect with men who were not available emotionally or otherwise. I worked on my self-esteem and eventually came to realize that my love for the married man was not really love. I rarely think of him anymore…and when I do I it is nothing romantic. I will share that the only good that came out of my relationship with the married man was that if FORCED me to work on myself and become the strong and independent woman I am proud to be today. This is going to hurt like hell for awhile; I won’t lie, though don’t miss the opportunity to grow and learn from this experience—and whatever you do, don’t end up here with someone else because it will have the same painful ending. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kariva Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Now I feel awful. Not for myself or for him, but for his family. Why would he tell them all? I know his wife found out, but why tell the kids? His kids, mind you, are in their 30's. His son posted this on twitter this morning. And now we pick up the shattered pieces and somehow move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Also, I feel like him dumping me via text messaging was an awful thing to do. Yes, but him entertaining an online R is also an awfull thing to do to all you and his W. Amazing, how people have taken this internet world to the next level. YIKES! You guys never meet. You perhaps are going to seek emotional shelter in every place that you are given a bit of attention. The real issue lies in that you are M to someone who is abusive. Anyone that calls you "sweetheart", "babes", "hone" is going to strike your ego and you will feel wanted. I suggest grab the bull by its horn in your situation. Deal with the real issue- The abuse you endure at home! Having secret Rs may actually turn the verbal abuse into physical abuse and then what? Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Thank you so much for the replies. I've reread each and every one. I think what I really need to do is get my head on straight. It is apparent that right now I am having so many conflicting emotions and I don't know what to do or where to turn. I'll be going back to school in the fall and I think that will help. Whoever said a man will not help is right! You guys have been giving me the same advice I used to give my friends when I was young and single. An affair will only complicate matters. Can you imagine if his wife found out and told my husband? Maybe I'm not thinking clearly. I'm not sure what love fog is. I just miss being able to share every detail of my day with somebody who wanted to know what I'm doing. Does this make sense? Now I feel awful. Not for myself or for him, but for his family. Why would he tell them all? I know his wife found out, but why tell the kids? His kids, mind you, are in their 30's. His son posted this on twitter this morning. And now we pick up the shattered pieces and somehow move on. You seem to be missing some information. Can you please fill in the middle of these two posts? Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 My husband has never been physically abusive, it's verbal. After 25 years of it though, I am sure it has affected me. I know I need counseling. My husband travels alot with his job and always has. My kids used to cry when they knew he would he was coming home. I could go on and on. I have talked to them somewhat about his behavior and they know it isn't right. I do appreciate the support here. I am also in a leadership role in my church and if I left him, I would be ostracized from my church which is where all of my friends are. My parents have seen his behavior over the years and know he can be abusive yet I think it would be sad for them if I left. I have had my photography published in newspapers. I do not think I could live on the income from it right now, but maybe someday I could. 1. you are placing everyone else's opinion and ideas before your own safety. WHO THE HELL CARES what your church buddies think of you if you leave your abusive H???? And if they judge you for it, HOW CHRISTIAN IS THAT???????? Your parents already lived their life and I really cant seem to process how any parent will feel "sad" if their daughter left an abusive husband. I think you may need to loosen up a little of the christianity grip and do what is healthy for you and your children. This is not the 1800's hone. Seek help. Until you don't start to put yourself first, the cypher will continue. I don't get it though. How is it that having an EA is less "sinful" than you leaving your abusive H? What do you think would happen if your church found out that you were having an online A behind your H's back? Would that be less scandalous than you leaving him? I want to say that if your H would have caught you, you wouldn't be able to count on any of your church friends anyway. And no I am not judging you, but your high regards for the community and your actual behavior is a bit skewed. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Now does his wife tell your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Now I feel awful. Not for myself or for him, but for his family. Why would he tell them all? I know his wife found out, but why tell the kids? His kids, mind you, are in their 30's. His son posted this on twitter this morning. And now we pick up the shattered pieces and somehow move on. Why are you following his son on Twitter? How did you find his information since you never even met his father in RL? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I am starting to smell that cologne again. Is it just the summer heat or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Why are you following his son on Twitter? How did you find his information since you never even met his father in RL? It's all starting to sound a little ... fantastic, is it not? BTW, your avatar is enchanting! Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Why are you following his son on Twitter? How did you find his information since you never even met his father in RL? Maybe she's having an online relationship with The Ah-nold. His sons have been posting some interesting things on Twitter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kariva Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 I don't care if you believe me or not, I came here for help. I am sure I stated that his wife found out by reading our texts and he made a choice and went no contact. I am not following his son on twitter, but you can search for somebody's name and see their posts. What avatar? I don't believe I uploaded anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kariva Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 And I also stated this ea was online and on the phone. I know his name and he knows mine. I also know the names of his kids and he knows everything about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kariva Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 You need to read my original post. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I don't care if you believe me or not, I came here for help. I am sure I stated that his wife found out by reading our texts and he made a choice and went no contact. I am not following his son on twitter, but you can search for somebody's name and see their posts. What avatar? I don't believe I uploaded anything. I know it's hard but you have to actively let him go in your brain & take steps to forget about him, not keep his memory fresh. Searching for his son's posts on Twitter is mentally torturing yourself. I could sit here all day & wonder what xMM & his wife is doing, why she is still with him, what he is telling her to get her to stay, what they were doing when he claimed they were getting divorced & what they're doing now, etc. . . . but I have to remind myself it's pointless. He is married, we are not together, & all that matters now is myself. I have to actively stay focused on myself & not allow my brain to wonder into 'what about xMM & his wife?' territory. I urge you to do the same thing with your xMM. It is over, accept that, leave it in the past, focus on yourself & move on. I certainly understand uncontrollable thoughts & overwhelming emotions & the need to think about things & all of that. But actively searching his son's posts is not doing you any good. You need to do your best to re-focus your thoughts because it's one of those things that is largely in your head. It isn't & never was reality; it was a fantasy you were allowing yourself to indulge in. And now it has ended so you need to get out of the fantasy or you will never be happy. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 You need to read my original post. Can you please use the quote function so we know to whom you are responding? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kariva Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 You seem to be missing some information. Can you please fill in the middle of these two posts? I was answering you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts