Would this be considered infidelity?

[don diego 78]

I'll try to sum up a complicated 2 years scenario as best I can:

 

-Son's mother (fiance) and I split in Summer of 2009.

-I come to find that the 2 months leading up to the split she'd been communicating secretly with an ex by text and phone. This was before and following our first family vacation which was bliss. She insists nothing happened.

-Fall of 09 we try to reconcile and I move into her new place. We go to therapy. Couples counseling (she drops out eventually because she couldn't deal.) In trying to build on trust I become insistent on seeing phone records from Summer to ensure nothing developed with the ex. She keeps pushing it off, making me more supicious. Therapist would ask: But does it really matter?

-Xmas 2009 we are getting along, getting ready for the holidays, but I'm worried about her emotional distance and try to hack into her cell account. She finds out and kicks me out.

-Since that incident, the past year and a half has been very difficult. A lot of yo-yoing on her part. Throwing me and my son crumbs as they say. Me alternating between begging her to come back and being totally cold. Her alternating between being cold and "clear" and spending the night at my apartment with me and our son (no sex.) She would often speak of dating again and then retract...driving me crazy. Many times I asked her if she had been with anyone (to check-in) and she would say no, thus I continued to carry the torch. She often seemed a complete emotional mess and guilt-ridden. Every time I seemed to be moving on, she'd be there of course, and then when I reached out, she'd pull away.

-I decided it wasn't good for me or my son. About 3 months ago I made the decision to move on. She had been by the apartment asking about dating again. I had said I would have to see the phone records. She said "From when>?" and I said "The whole time." She said she wasn't doing conditions and told me I WOULD see conversations, but that's all they were. I told her to get out.

-A month or so later I reconsidered and asked her out. She was back on the "it's over" stance and mentioned that she had met someone.

-Since then I've been in a relatively good place I think and of course she's aware of it. I've even started contemplating dating again.

-Last week she accused me of having found someone. we spoke on the phone, she was a crying mess again, talking about I was an incredible man.

-Next morning she calls me and says if people had told me she would regret it, they'd be right. In that conversation I finally learned that she had something physical with that ex in our time apart. The wound felt opened up again.

 

I still love this woman and am struggling right now. I feel like I need to keep moving though. Any thoughts? Reality checks?

 

Thanks.

 

It's irrelevant but I should add that when I questioned her on her having met someone and why was she asking me if i had, her response was that she had made it up to push me away. The thing that gets me the most is that she said she would regret it 2 years ago, and here she is now. I get this feeling like she just wanted to have her cake and eat it too...knowing i'd be here waiting, the good guy, the hopeless romatic. at the same time she said today she only led me on for so long because she knew if she told the truth i would never forgive her. wtf. what a waste of time.

 

What makes it especially hard today: I held her. She was crying and apologetic. Saying she was useless, would die alone, had ****** up etc.

 

I kept my cool. I told her I loved her, I also told her she'd get it right eventually with someone.

 

That's life I guess.

 

To me it feels like infidelity because in the end the fears of mine were manifested, even if we were apart.

[FryFish]

Come on man, she was banging her ex back when you two were in therapy... The therapist probably knew!

[OldOnTheInside]

I would personally consider it to be "technical infidelity".

 

The bigger problem I see is that she sounds unstable in certain aspects. If your relationship has any chance of surviving, she needs to see a therapist or counsellor.

 

From a cynical POV I should point out that history is likely to repeat itself. That is the "yo-yo" effect in action.