lalalandman Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 (edited) So I've been lurking here for a few weeks. 5 year relationship. We really really click, but she's always ALWAYS been a commitment phobe. We adore each other so much. Anyways, She broke up with me 4 weeks ago roughly. Long story short. The first 4 years we have our ups and downs constantly, but we just have a very special bond. In August of 2010 she left me for the 4th time, and I found out she slept with someone else. She has been with 4 other people but it was never cheating to her because we were "never together" during those times. One time a couple years ago when she left me again, I met another girl. That lasted 3 months. Anyways, a month afterwards in September 2011, I met a girl. We fell for each other. Anyways, the ex came running back within a few weeks and found out about the girl. She actually Facebook messaged 9 of my friends pleading for them to talk me into taking her back and she told them how she was a bitch for 4 years and treated me like **** and that she regrets it all. Eventually, the ex scares off the new girl with all the calls, texts and coming to my door unannounced. So February 2011 the other girl leaves, and my ex is still around. I tell my ex Listen, if you really want to be with me, let's try moving in together and maybe get like a joint vacation account. She wanted it, but a week later her mother says NO, so it doesn't happen. We try working stuff out but I think at that point I had too much resentment. It was bad, and I even had my moments as well, where my top blew and I really yelled at her. She just would not let go of the last girl and always brought her up. I wasn't the same either, because I was just very skeptical and had my guard up. But I love her to death and adore her. Anyways she leaves me 4 weeks ago with the help of her mother. I spend a week and a half telling her basically that she's making a mistake and that she's going to regret it. She tells me to leave her alone and she never wants to work it out. Finally I said fine, I respect your decision, but you're going to wake up one day and regret this. So 2 weeks of NC, I deleted my Facebook, and just disappeared. She called once from Blocked number on Tuesday. Then today I get 2 blocked calls, don't answer, then she starts calling from her actual number. So I pick up. I'm surrounded by about 30 family and friends at this point for a get together. She sounds upset, but at that point I'm playing with my cousins so I'm full of energy. She starts telling me how she's finally moving out of the parents house and she got the job she wanted, to which I replied that's great for you, it sounds like everything is falling into place for you. She told me about how she got injured, and bought new furniture. Then she said Well maybe you can come see my place someday. I don't remember how I replied to that unfortunately but I think I said I don't know, maybe. After 10 minutes I just told her I had to go, because my cousins and I were going to play Bball. She kind of gave me one of those bye's like, she didn't want to say bye, you know. So I hung up. WTF? Honestly, I'm dumbfounded. I love this girl to the end, honestly. I don't know how to handle this. I really need help.... Edited May 30, 2011 by lalalandman Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Oh, this one's easy-peasy. Continue with NC. Brilliantly simple, simply brilliant. Sorted. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 She needs to feel the burn. Quite simply tell her, "It's good to hear from you in some ways but in others it is not. We will talk again, someday, when I am ready. Please respect my decision to focus on myself and improve my own peronal situation." Give it a few months, dial her up if you really want and this is a really smart thing for you to do: Put some space between the catalyst and the response. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 He really doesn't need to do that, nor should he. Any contact initiation on his part (even if it's a response) gives her a reason to re-respond. Really, the best way to communicate that he doesn't want to talk to her - is to not talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I'll defer to your wisdom, Ma'am. I was suggesting that due to the fact that he still loves her. Truth be told though, he deserves better than her. She needs way more time to clean up her act. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 If he still loves her, then he's only going to rip the stitches out of the wound, by connecting with her in any way. Even if he's connecting with her to say stay away. It still hurts.... because then he will start thinking how she'll react to the message, what effect it will have on her, will she reply.... All too much drama. Waaay too much. Just keep silent. It's by far the best way to get over the latest episode... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalandman Posted May 30, 2011 Author Share Posted May 30, 2011 I know I know. The problem is that I really love her, hopelessly. I know she's done some really screwy stuff in the past. But I just have this unconditional love for her. She's not excused in any way. I'm not saying I don't want to talk to her. I just wish she would open her eyes and wake up. You know. I want her to realize that we can have a fulfilling life together and that I'm not just a piece of trash she can throw away and then go trash digging for it back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalandman Posted May 30, 2011 Author Share Posted May 30, 2011 I feel like if I play the silent treatment, eventually she'll leave me alone. And honestly, I feel like I would regret that. Or maybe I don't know what's best for me. It's just hard when you love somebody so much and genuinely want a future with that person. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 If she's a commitment-phobe, you already know that's not a possibility. Not for a stable, clear, sure-fire future. She will always fill you with doubt. Much as I really know it hurts you - you need to re-focus on you, and commit yourself to NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalandman Posted May 30, 2011 Author Share Posted May 30, 2011 I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. I've invested so much of my heart. But with NC, should I just ignore her calls and texts? Is that fair? I feel like it's just showing her that I don't love her when I really do Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalandman Posted May 30, 2011 Author Share Posted May 30, 2011 I don't even know why I'm giving you push back. It's probably for the best, but truly difficult. I'll just, stick with NC. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Listen to Tara, she has your best interest in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 No. NC is really meant to indicate that you love yourself. And not in an 'Ego-Big-Me' type of way. In a "I value my self-esteem, state of mind and dignity" type of way. When you resort to breaking NC, you drop a notch. You open a hole, and rip it bigger. I know it hurts, really I do, but please understand - This is about giving yourself the time you need to become a better you. That's so cliché, but the thing about clichés is that they happen to be true. Like - "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I absolutely loathe and detest that cliché. It has to be said slowly, in a Dr Phil accent. It's the only way to make it tolerable.... but it IS true.... Stick with NC, and realise you're doing this for you to keep one foot in front of the other. And keep on, keeping on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalandman Posted May 30, 2011 Author Share Posted May 30, 2011 Lol. I've always held this belief that at all costs, if love is there, then work it out. However I've been told your same advice, so I'll go with it. I'm not sure what road it's going to take me down, and I think that's why I'm so scared. You know, I saw our future as being together, but going down this road, I can't see past a yard, and it's terrifying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalandman Posted May 30, 2011 Author Share Posted May 30, 2011 thanks egojoe i will Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I feel your pain buddy. I'm about to start the journey down the dark scary lonely road as well. At some point you have to ask yourself, is this a big part of why we want these people in the first place? Because the other road is scary and unpredictable? I know for me that's part of the reason why, as much as I really love her, I'm also scared of just going about things alone. My ex led me on for 2 months, told me she loved me, told me she was trying to dig deep within herself and fight through everything going on in her life to be able to come back to me -- and then she slept with someone else. Surprisingly I love her so much that I didn't break down and tell her to hit the bricks and never talk to me again, and by the end of the conversation she was right back to dangling it in my face that maybe we will end up together somehow. Screw it. Let's take the high road and leave these people behind to be the messes that they are. I'll struggle with you, ok? Yes this road is scary, and yeah it's hard just to see a few feet in front of you compared to having our whole future laid out with these people, BUT, if you aren't sure where this other road goes, you can't say for sure that it won't end up somewhere much better. I know it sucks, I know your brain wants to rationalize still staying in touch with her and hoping for the best. But it will just cause you more pain. I feel the same as you, an unconditional love for my ex, I forgive her for her mistakes, but I know I don't deserve to be hurt like this. I love her like the flawed human being she is, she messed up and I feel bad that she has to live with herself like that. We deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Lalaland man, I'm totally in the same boat, check out my update. It's hard because you wish you could wave a magic wand and erase all the negative and bad things that person did to you to build resentments, but no such luck. You want them so bad your willing to accept anything, but when you do that, no body wins, it's only temporary ( and you end up fighting anyway), and you loose your self respect and dignity in the process. You did the right thing by cutting it short, you really did. The contact does cause a hiccup in your healing but all is not lost, keep your chin up and keep going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalandman Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Yea I know what you guys mean. Today my family was in town. Dad, brother, uncle and aunt. She's never met them. Last night when she called, after I got off the phone, I thought Well maybe I should call her back and invite her with us to Dland. She's never met my family at all, and it's always been really important to me for her to meet them. I ended up not calling her to hang out, and my family is here for one more day. Should I have called her and asked her if she wanted to hang out and meet them? Should I still? Why do I feel bad about this? I just figured it might be awkward since the breakup is still fresh. And yesterday I was thinking, well, if I do call her back and ask her to hang out and she says no, well I'll just look stupid. And risk feeling stupid. This sucks people. Link to post Share on other sites
sinnister Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Yea I know what you guys mean. Today my family was in town. Dad, brother, uncle and aunt. She's never met them. Last night when she called, after I got off the phone, I thought Well maybe I should call her back and invite her with us to Dland. She's never met my family at all, and it's always been really important to me for her to meet them. I ended up not calling her to hang out, and my family is here for one more day. Should I have called her and asked her if she wanted to hang out and meet them? Should I still? Why do I feel bad about this? I just figured it might be awkward since the breakup is still fresh. And yesterday I was thinking, well, if I do call her back and ask her to hang out and she says no, well I'll just look stupid. And risk feeling stupid. This sucks people. NO!!!!! Why bring a serial cheater that close inside of you again. You are setting yourself up for perpetual embarrassment..as they will meet her..then ask about her..and if she has hurt you again..you have EXTENDED family ripping that scab of. Save the fam for someone more stable. It will impress the serial cheater..but she can't cache highs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalandman Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Ok....Ok thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Here's my 2 cents on your situation... No Contact -- go at least 3 weeks (21 days) without initiating ANY contact with her, it might help to mark it in your calender as something to possibly look forward to AND it can help you during those really tough times when you have those strong urges to call/text. if she calls you let it go to voicemail. if she leaves a message then you may call her after a minimum of 36 hours. (unless the message just states "what's up" or anything such. same goes for texting but you can reply after lets say 4-6 hours of receiving the message (also don't reply if it only says "whats up". only reply to GENUINE messages, meaning they are trying to be more personal and going more in depth rather than asking what you are doing or how you are. now if after the 3 weeks is up and she is still contacting you, you wait for her to call and you can suggest a casual get together (lunch, coffee, park visit). if she doesn't call then that is when you may initiate contact and suggest the meeting. if she says "NO" then wait another week or two and try again. if she says "YES" then you get together (you pick the time and location, and most importantly you make it convenient for you). KEEP THE MEETING SHORT... 30 MINUTES TO 1 HOUR MAX if the meeting doesn't seem to be going anywhere then kindly say "it was nice seeing you but I need to go to <something>". even if it goes good do not go over your 1 hour maximum time. (you need to keep her wanting more after all) after the meeting give it a few days with no contact again (this is to see if she will call you and set up another meeting/date) if not you may call after about a week from your first meeting. That's my opinion on your situation (if you want her back). But after 3 weeks of NC you might decide that it is best for you that you stay apart, and that is ultimately what the NC phase is for. sorry you're going through all of this, my ex broke up with me 2 months ago and I love her so much I still think about her daily (more like constantly) but the above plan is what I am using and I hope with works for the best of both of our interests. I got a lot of "get your ex back" courses after my break-up which was a huge waste of money because just about every one of them gives the above information lol. but that is the information from the one I like the most Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalandman Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Thank you for your suggestion. Honestly, I probably won't do any initiating of contact at all. I'm going with Tara's recommendation. However, as an exception to Tara's opinion, if I feel like my ex genuinely understands she made a mistake and directly asks to speak about reconciliation, I would consider it. But I don't know how long I'll feel this way. That's where I'm at. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 .....However, as an exception to Tara's opinion, if I feel like my ex genuinely understands she made a mistake and directly asks to speak about reconciliation, I would consider it. I often recommend this. So I think if she makes an honest, succinct and clear indication that she wants you back and is willing to work at it, then that's another matter entirely. Everything else, but EVERYTHING else - is just a pull on the stitches... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalandman Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Then I see eye to eye with you completely. Thanks, I value your opinion very much. Link to post Share on other sites
fetish Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 lalalandman, just tuning in to your thread. Everyone has been giving you some pretty good advice. Good for taking TaraMaiden's advice as its the best for your healing. Your girl is too unstable and sounds somewhat controlling. Almost as she thinks she can write the rules as she goes along and when you start living your life, she wants that control back. Not fair. Manipulating peple don't play fair. It's all about them. And it would definitely be no different if you went back to her. I know you feel bad, and as you saw in my thread, i'm feeling bad for my ex too. But we got to put ourselves first. You've been with this woman for 5 years? I was with mine for 8 and my girl almost always put her needs first. She has to "feel the burn" as someone put it earlier. She has to feel the pain of losing you. People don't change over the course of 2,3 or 6 months. They might change their minds and want to try the relationship again so they won't have to go through the pain. Believe me, i know the pain is excrutiating, especially in the beginning, but as it clears, you begin to see yourself more worthy, more deserving, and too good to go back to putting up with that crap! fetish Link to post Share on other sites
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