When does the rollercoaster stop?

[paw]

My wife and I have been married for fifteen years. She's 44 and I am 51. We are both sales people but my job has spiraled down over the last three years while hers has taken off. She makes much more money than I do and travels all the time. We have a 14 year old son who is special needs in school. He's a great kid but doesn't have any friends. He and I are very close and I've dedicated my life to making sure that he's happy by being there for him. The decreased hours in my job have given me that time but taken a toll on my self esteem. I became downbeat and negative and my wife coped by literally never being home. In spite of that we still loved each other but started to lose each other as well.

 

Our relationship really became strained over the last year and particullarly since August when we had a hideous fight in New York City. Things were awful from there and last January I told her I was moving to our summer home on Cape Cod. She told me not to go and that we should go to counseling. I agreed. I broke down and sent her a letter proclaiming my love for her and asked her to work on the marriage with me. She accepted and we seemed on the road to recovery. For the next two months I tried different things to spice up our sex life (which was always good, I've always aimed to please) But now I'm giving her massages, lighting candles, playing new age music. She was truley loving it. I'm sending cards and love letters and finding new things for us to do. She really seemed to enjoy accepting these things but instead of reciprocating, she starts going on the road more than ever.

 

I became frustrated. She came home from a week long trip on Friday March, 19 and we went out to dinner. Ironically she seemed different. She said she was really happy to be with me, that she had missed me and if my defenses weren't up I might have just accepted that. But as it was I was in the space of "look this thing isn't working, we both know it". I'll always regret that. She started crying and started saying things like " My mother always told me that every year or so I'd do something really stupid...at least this time it took me 15 years". That's when I knew. We went home and at 4:00 AM I heard her crying downstairs. I went down and she hugged me and said she loved me and wanted to work on our marriage. I felt sorry and assured her that we would and that everything would be fine.

 

She went up to bed and I like a fool went right to her computer. If there is one thing that has become the smoking gun in the killing of relationships in our time it's emails. Even before I pushed the enter button I said to myself "don't do it. walk away and start rebuilding your marriage". I pushed the button anyway and I'm afraid I changed my life forever.

 

There it was. She'd been having an affair with her old boss for about a year. He was with a different company now but they were both in the computer industry and found themselves at the same trade show last March in 2003 and ended up in bed. They had no contact (at least not physical) after that until last October when they met twice. Another in January and, painfully once in February and once in March. Painful because it was then that I was pouring my heart out to her and painful because she was writing to her friend dreaming of more of a commitment from him. But he was married and from what I can see was straighforward about not letting it get too serious.

 

 

When I put the emails in front of her she collapsed. I was angry and told her to get out of the house. She begged to stay and the only way I could get her out was to threaten to send them to his wife. She left but came back an hour later, every hour calling, coming into my room begging for forgiveness. I was furious and kept sending her away. This went on for three days. She was emotionally a wreck and beating herself up. It was obvious how sorry she was. Unfortunately I couldn't see straight and went right to a divorce lawyer. He was definitely a different breed because he convinced me, for the sake of our son (and the relationship) to go back and try to see if it can be salvaged. I drove back and as hard as it was I told her that we would stay under the same roof, in the same bed and go to counseling. She started crying and told me I was giving her a the greatest gift she's ever recieved. I hope she means it because it's been unbearable for me.

 

She told me that she called him and told him it was over and to never contact her again. She promised me that if he did try she would tell me immediately. I believe her, but I still check her emails, telephone bills. He lives in Pennsylvania so it's not likely they will see each other very much, if ever. If they do she says she will go in the other direction. Again, I believe her. I asked her if she loved him and she says no. I asked her if she did. That "no" is less convicing. I asked her why and she said it was because he listened to her. I asked her what they talked about and she said business. No conversations about deep down stuff? Matters of the heart? She said no, that he wasn't the type. Neither is she, really.

 

She has been honest in answering my questions (I have alot of details from the emails and have not caught her in a lie). She tells me she was a fool, that she lost herself, that she forgot what she had in me (we were always close) and that she deeply regrets hurting me (she has shed many tears). She has been affectionate, compassionate to my awful mood swings and more attentive than she's ever been, She wants to quit her job (I don't think she should). She wants a simpler life. She seems to truly want it with me. She says she loves me more than she ever has before...

 

But why? If she was out of love with me to the degree that she could do what she did, then why love me now? Our marriage had gotten to the point where we didn't even seem to like each other. Why does that change just because I caught her. What if I hadn't caught her. She says that she was going to break it off, that she was going to call him on Monday but I found out on Saturday. It's true she was very emotional, something was changing in her that night. But I also believe that if he would have left his wife then she would have left me. And if she did love him, then how do you just turn that off?

 

For my part I can't get over the pain. I do love her. She's beautiful and we've had a rich life together. We used to scuba dive and ski. We've traveled and had wonderful times on Cape Cod with friends and family. We love our son. And once we used to talk and laugh for hours, days, years. How do I get over the betrayal? I can't even look at a scrapbook. Every time I think of a date or event in the last year I can't stop myself from saying "she had been with him...that was after". Any date before is just remembering a woman I don't even know anymore. Nothing looks the same to me. Not the house, not my son and most of all she seems like a stranger to me. The familiar, comfortable feeling I've always felt being around her, even when things were bad, is gone, I'm afraid forever. The only way to stop the pain is to get angry but she is trying so hard that I don't want to make things more difficult for her. She is feeling so guilty. I know she wants me to rescue her, but I can't. I swing from loving her deeply and not wanting to let her go to not being able to look at her. She wants me to hold her but loving her hurts too much. But I do.

[moimeme]

But why? If she was out of love with me to the degree that she could do what she did, then why love me now?

 

A lot of people have affairs because they think the new person can give them something they feel they're missing in the marriage. If they get it, they can become infatuated with the person who's providing it.

 

Our marriage had gotten to the point where we didn't even seem to like each other. Why does that change just because I caught her.

 

I figure it's because she saw how upset you were; and realized that you do love her and that she might lose you. I think a lot of people in affairs delude themselves into believing they will never be caught and so won't lose their spouses.

 

And if she did love him, then how do you just turn that off?

 

Infatuation is not love, but it can feel similar and fool you. When the fog of infatuation clears, you realize that you were temporarily insane.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Incredible post, Paw.

 

Every feeling you are having, every doubt and question you are struggling with, I would be wrestling with, too.

 

I so admire anyone who can find the strength within themselves to forgive their spouse and remain in their marriage. I know myself all too well, and I could not live with the memory of such a betrayal. It would eat away at me, little by little, until it had finally eroded away any hope I had left to salvage what remained. My resentment and paranoia would turn me into someone I couldn’t recognize or live with, as well.

 

Trust is such a fragile thing, and once it has been yanked from us, it can be impossible to regain. Just knowing that someone I trusted and loved had it within them to do it once would discredit any promises they might make afterwards to never do it again. Like you, it would not be so much the affair, but that I had been deceived into living a lie, married to a stranger who I never really knew.

 

How does one reacquaint themselves with this new person, let alone fall in love again? Particularly when confronted with this added dimension to their persona? If this is the kind of person I would have never married in the first place, then how would I ever convince myself to stay married to them??

 

Not me. I just couldn’t do it. But I am absolutely humbled by those who can. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide and look forward to following your progression through the stages of rebuilding your relationship if you decide to share. I think there is so much to be learned through you.

[morrigan]

Paw, I just want to give you my support for how you are dealing with one of the hardest sitations a married person can find themselves in. I would have so many conflicting emotions if I were in your shoes.

 

I hope you and your wife both attend counseling together. It sounds like there is enough love and affection between you both that you can try to rebuild your marriage. I really hope this works out.