FWB...what a mess

[dragonfly22]

First of all, sorry for the long post! Ok so I'm an idiot and this is my story. Almost 2 months ago my fiance of 5 years broke up with me saying he didn't love me anymore. I cried, begged and felt sorry for myself until almost a month after when he came back begging for forgiveness. We were back together for a week and then I ended it as I could see he couldn't make his mind and didn't seem to know what he wanted. This time however the way I reacted was very different. I barely cried and I haven't felt bad at all about letting him go. I've been thinking a lot about our relationship in the past years and I'm not even sure I loved him anymore. I think maybe I reacted badly when he broke up with me because it was HIM who ended it, but not necessarily because I was still in love with him.

 

Anyway, I had planned to be by myself for a long time. No men, no relationships, just time for myself. Last time I ended an important relationship I was single for 2 years before starting another one so I planned to do the same thing this time.

 

The thing is I have this friend. We were co-workers for about 3 years but at the time I was with my ex-fiance and he was also engaged. I can tell you he is totally my type but nothing ever happened. I do not get involved with married men or men in relationships EVER so nothing ever happened there, we were just really good friends. Also at the time I was madly in love with my ex so there was no room for anyone else in my mind.

 

So, we hadn't seen each other for about a year and our only contact was through Facebook. At around the same time me and my fiance broke up, he broke up with his fiancee too and sent me a private message through Facebook telling me we should have lunch to catch up. I didn't really pay attention to it until after I broke up with my fiance.

 

We went for lunch on a Friday, which happened to be my anniversary day with my ex-fiance. I told him that so he told me "hey, I had a date tonight but you are my friend and I don't want you to be alone especially on your anniversary date so let's do something". So we agreed to go out that night.

 

We went out and talked about our lives in the past year and our relationships. He made it very clear that his relationship had been "dead" for a while and actually didn't seem hurt at all but instead seemed really excited about dating again. So we were out all night and at about 4am he asked me if I wanted him to drive me home or if I wanted to "hang out" at his place. I went to his place and of course we ended having sex. I wanted it. I'd never had "casual sex" before...everytime I had sex it was as part of a serious relationship so this was my first time doing something like this, but after a 5 year relationship I totally wanted to be with another man. I stayed at his place and we ended up having sex several times the next day. I can honestly say sex with him was the best I've had EVER. Our chemistry in bed is just amazing.

 

So, after this he was really worried that our friendship would be ruined but I told him there was no way that could happen. We were both getting over recent break ups and I'm also moving abroad for a year in 4 months so we should just keep things casual. We agreed on a FWB relationship. He made it very clear he isn't looking for anything serious right now, which I agreed with as I feel the same way. He also told me we should be careful as he could see himself easily getting attached to me if we didn't handle things the right way. Again I told him not to worry. However things have been getting complicated lately.

 

Everytime we meet is in his place and he always asks me to sleep over. He hugs me, he cuddles and he even kisses me all the time, including sweet kisses on my forehead. He has told me really personal issues about his life and his childhood and he has trusted me some really sensitive information about the company he owns. Also, his mom called him to invite him over for lunch one day and he wanted me to go with him, but I refused as I don't think I should be meeting his family.

 

The other day he asked me to go to his place so I told him I had my period so I better stayed home. He said "oh so the only reason you want to visit me is for sex?" I was like "well, yeah, didn't we agree we had to be careful about getting too close with each other?". Well last week (week 3 since we hooked up), we met on Saturday night and I spent the night at his place. On Sunday he asked me to stay there all day and eventually asked me to spend the night again. At one time after we had sex he talked to me again about his fear of getting attached and about him not wanting a relationship. I told him I understood that. He also told me if he felt like he was getting attached he would just ask for space. I said fine. Monday I went home in the afternoon. Then Tuesday morning there he is again, asking me to go to his place. Deep inside I knew I should've said no, but I did go. We went grocery shopping and he even cooked a great dinner for me. We had no sex that day. Just cuddled and fell asleep watching TV. The next day we spent all day together until I had to go to work.

 

So since then (that was on Wednesday) I haven't heard from him. I've texted him a couple of times with no answer. I assume he needs some space so I'm giving it to him. The problem is...this is bothering me. I thought it wouldn't but it is. I think maybe I started having feelings for him? Right now this is the last thing I need!! So I think it is time to end this but how do I do it without ruining our friendship forever? What would be the best thing to say to end this in the best way possible? He is a really great guy and I think in other circumstances this could've been the beggining of something great but I'm leaving in 3 months and I know he is not ready for a serious, monogamous relationship so what's the point in doing this if it will just hurt us?

[Eve]

If you weren't leaving would you have a different view of this relationship?

 

I think he has been making it blazingly clear that he really really likes you.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[dragonfly22]

Well yes and no. He has told me many times that right now he just wants to date around. He wants to go out with as many women as possible. Then, at the same time he keeps telling me I'm the only woman he is sleeping with and I know it is true. I honestly think he is not ready for a relationship so even if I wasn't leaving and even if I know deep down he is a good and faithful guy (when in a relationship), I would not start something with him right now. Maybe later after he gets this wanting to date around thing out of his system but not now.

 

I just found several missed calls from him today so I guess he is ready to see me again. However this thing we have is not convenient for me. So, I should be available whenever he needs it but then when he feels this is too much he completely cuts me off?? What about my needs??? I think I'm better off being by myself right now. I just don't want to ruin the friendship part.

[Eve]

Hopefully others will respond as I don't understand this form of dating practise... at all. Where I live this scenario would indicate that you are a couple in the initial stages of a relationship.

 

Maybe you both should just enjoy each others company and base everything on that rather than anything else? That is how I would proceed with things once making love is in the picture. Especially with someone who has been known for three years previously. As an outsider, you both seem to get on perfectly well when together. The 'dating dance' part might be spoiling things methinks.

 

How about just letting things grow?

 

Are you going to travel very far away?

 

Him not responding until now made me think that he was trying to give you space. Or am I being naive?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[dragonfly22]

Thanks Eve. I'm moving overseas to get a Master's Degree. It is a full time program so it will only take one year and then I'm coming back. I know he has been checking out plane tickets so he can go visit me, so yeah, I understand why this can be confusing for you and also for me. I just don't get it. He talks about it like it is just sex but acts differently. If I start acting like it is just sex then he gets offended because that's "the only thing I want him for" but at the same time tells me over and over again he doesn't want a relationship.

 

I have to be honest, this is the first time I do this FWB thing. I've always been a relationship kind of girl. I like commitment, I like being in love and I like having a steady partner. When I'm single I'm usually completely single and I only date people I think would really be a good fit for a serious relationship. That's who I am. I've never slept around, never had a one night stand and never had sex without love thing until now. However being that he has been a close friend for a few years and that I am leaving soon I agreed to this FWB thing and I've set boundaries for myself, but his actions are making me feel very confused. He just called me again and this time I picked up the phone. He called just to talk. Unlike every time we've talked before, he didn't call to arrange a meeting, but he just wanted to talk about his weekend, know how I am and he said he would call me again in the evening. This is so confusing. I think I won't ever get involved in a FWB again. It is definitely not for everyone...especially not for me.

[Eve]

Dragonfly.. I have no idea what to say!

 

It is confusing but you both seem like decent people who are simply unsure what comes next.

 

Him saying he does not want a relationship is key though. If he didn't say that then I would just put it down to the 'men are from mars' thing. Men can be a bit weird.

 

.. and the plane tickets thing? I don't get him wanting to source plane tickets.

 

I think you both need to talk this weekend but not one of those boring talks that gets too emotional. If you both agree that you really like each other and really want to keep seeing each other.. just go with that.

 

I don't think my Hubby and I have ever talked about our relationship in depth. It just grew and we followed each opportunity... together.

 

If he wants to see other people, cut him loose but if he has any sense I think this weekend will hopefully be the time he gets brave enough to admit he has feelings for you. I don't think he sounds like someone who is made for the fwb thing and neither do you.

 

Cultural ideas can really confuse things.

 

I would give him opportunity this weekend to.. well, I don't even know. I suppose to see what you both feel. That's what matters.

 

I am betting he really likes you and has feelings for you. What will you do if that all comes out?

 

Sounds really cool being able to travel for your Masters.. I love traveling.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[dragonfly22]

Ok so, here is an update. We didn't talk during the weekend but on Wednesday we saw each other again and he was asking lots of questions about my behaviour in relationships. He told me he was asking this because he had feelings involved in this and he didn't want to get hurt. We spent an amazing afternoon together just cuddling under the blankets and looking each other in the eye. He even asked me not to go to work (I work the night-shift) but I sad I had to and left. I have to say on Wednesday I totally let my guard down and decided to just go with whatever was going on.

 

So comes Thursday and I hear nothing from him but I decided it was ok, I would give him his space as usual. Then comes Friday and still nothing. On Friday night I was on Facebook and he came online. This was at about 2 or 3am. He started with small talk and then asked me I was going out or considering going out with someone else. I said not really, why? Then he dropped the bomb. He said he had gone out with a girl on Thursday night, and again on Friday night, that they had sex and she had just left his house. That he felt like he had to be honest with me and that he didn't want to risk losing our friendship. This is when it hit me that I had feelings for him. It just felt like a punch in the stomach.

 

Anyway, then he starts telling me about how he just went out with this girl for the first time the night before but she just swept him off his feet. He told me I'm his best friend right now and he doesn't want to lose this friendship but the chemistry with this girl is amazing and he has never felt this way before, not even with his ex, which had been the most important relationship of his life. He then proceeded to post a picture of both of them hugging on his FB wall (this after he had told me we should be discreet at least for now!!!) I told him "oh you just posted a picture, how appropriate" and he answered "oh you think she'll be upset??" It never crossed his mind that the picture could upset ME. He also told me even though he had just gone out with her a couple of times, he felt like this was a girl he would fall hard for and really quickly and he hoped she wouldn't hurt him.

 

I know I should've ended the conversation instead of reading all that but I just couldn't. He told me he would help me find another "f*ck buddy". That felt so insulting on so many levels. He finished by telling me he had a great time with me but he had to see where things would go with this girl. He is 27, she is 20.

 

I did tell him I was dissapointed. I don't know why I did. I should've just acted like I didn't care. He just told me "well, I'm sorry you started having feelings for me, but I always made it clear that I did not want a relationship". So, at least I learned a valuable lesson...FWB are NOT for me. I've felt so sad all day long. I just don't understand why he would send me all these mixed signals and then one day just let me know he wasn't interested, but not only that, he also had to tell me how AMAZING this other girl was. Why do that?? Especially after I told him this saddened me??? He just really doesn't care about me AT ALL.

[fiatflux]

Wow...he is really clueless if he thinks it was okay to tell you all that crap and expect you to still be friends. Now you know he doesn't care about your feelings at all, so don't give him any more of your precious time or emotions!

[Eve]

Sorry to hear Dragonfly..

 

It seems like he really did just want to make sure he did not have to go without sex.

 

Man.. that was confusing.

 

I would be offended by the whole finding you someone else as a FB idea.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[dragonfly22]

Well we had another conversation yesterday. He called me to let me know he had found out something he didn't like about this supposed soulmate of his. Today he told me he had pushed her away because of it. To be honest, it was a really stupid thing and I'm starting to understand that this guy is TERRIFIED of being hurt so he just pushes someone away when he sees something he identifies as a risk. I went back to a conversation we had and compared what happened after that with what he is doing now with this girl...and it is exactly the same.

 

So I've come to the conclusion that he WAS starting to develop feelings for me, I told him something he didn't want to hear and he immediately pushed me away and found a replacement. He even told me he had a replacement for this girl (yeah, the SOULMATE haha). The only difference between these girls and me is that these are random girls he just met, but I've been a close friend for years. I told him how he made me feel but in the end, I think we need to put this behind and continue as friends and that's what we'll do. In the end he is just scared to get his heart broken again, so instead he'd rather break other people's hearts (I told him this and he stayed quiet). He didn't break mine, but I'm sure he will hurt a lot of people on this quest for sex and company with no strings attached.