Don't know what it is...but I still want him.

[That_girl]

I broke up with my 'abusive' ex about 2 months ago. Although the pain has lessened since then I'm still having doubts about whether or not I made the right decision.

We only dated for 7 months, but he had cheated on me in the second month...says he didn't sleep with anyone else, just fooled around with on vacation because he was 'high'. He apologized for a month straight, coming to my door with flowers, making me video's, giving my gifts.....I had never received so much attention in my life, so eventually I took him back.

It all went downhill from there. Although I do believe he genuinely did care about me...he became very controlling, and hurtful in the things he would say. Never called me any names or anything, and never actually physically struck me...but I felt like it was only a matter of time.

I know he was trying to redeem himself for the cheating, and he did to some extent...but he became very paranoid that I would eventually cheat on him because he did it to me. He would lose his temper extremely quickly...and punch his fists, or the wall. He definitely wasn't a strong person...but that's kind of what drew me to him. Rather than being attracted to someone that was confident, I wanted someone that I thought was just like me. A little more sensitive than normal, a little unsure of themselves...someone with some emotional depth. Overly happy people kinda creep me out.

Now I'm realizing that overly sensitive people should creep me out too. Our relationship was kind of reclusive, we were so deeply involved that friends and other priorities were being neglected and it was all about us.

 

When I ended things, I thought I had reached my breaking point with him. He had said something to me that he KNEW would hurt me. He didn't call me a bitch or a slut...but decided to hurt me on a much more fundamental level by telling me that I'm not doing enough with myself. He knows that this has been bothering me for a while, and that it's financially difficult for me to do anything but work and pay rent, as I don't have any support from my family. And he couldn't understand why on earth I would be upset at that! I just sensed that his CONSTANT criticisms were slowly chipping away at my self-esteem and I wanted to put an end to it before it got worse, or before he actually hit me.

 

People always said that I should follow the warning signs, and recognize his potential for future abuse...but I guess I wanted to see it for myself. My first boyfriend had to nearly push me off a cliff before I finally made the decision to leave. This last one just grazed the surface and I can never be sure now if I did the right thing. Maybe he was just like that with me because of all of the added stress with the cheating.

 

I have no idea. I fell for him instantly...I just feel like that emotional connection will never be matched with anyone else. Some days I don't really think of him that much, others I want him to SUFFER, and most I just wish that we could have made it work because I actually loved him.....

[Bluebelle38]

Hi That Girl

 

Your thread made for really sad reading. It's quite apparent that you do not think as much of you as you should.

 

This guy is a loser. You can't see it because you just want someone to love you, but these sort of me (and women) prey on partners with low self-esteem.

 

Forget the gifts, they really mean nothing.

 

This man is only going to bring you down.

 

You deserve a partner that brings something to your life. I really hope you can walk away from this and learn from it before you make the same mistakes again - and many people repeat the same mistakes and it only breaks them further.

 

You don't need a man. You must realise that or you will keep accepting the dregs - and that is what he is.

 

Chin up and look forward. Wait for a good one, however long that takes.

 

xx

[stopthemadness]

Hi That Girl, So sorry for your heart ache. But I must say that after reading your post, sounds like being brokeup with him is just where you wanta be. He sounds like such a big loser. Look, you werent with him that long at all. Seven months is a fly by REALLY!! And the the whole time while in that relationship there was drama! None of us wants to be alone. But sometimes in life being alone is SOOO much better then being treated like crap from someone. Dont get stuck in your saddness. Believe me when I tell you its an easy thing to do.Yes, he broke your heart. Yes, he was abusive to you. But you lived through it. Learn from it and move on. Dont be ok with being sad. Look every day, And i mean EVERY day for your happy. You can find it, I know you can. You had a life before this man. And youll have a life again. As far as finding someone else. The saying goes. Dont look for a partner untell your selfesteem is at its highest. That way youll attract someone at that level. As far as him saying you werent doing anything with your life. Who cares what he thinks!!! Hes No Body!! Hope you start feeling better soon. Keep posting it helps...good luck

[That_girl]

Thank you for the replies and for listening. I do agree that I just want to be loved...I think everybody does. I was willing to move past the cheating because I believed that this person truly loved me and just made a mistake. But now I just feel empty.

 

If he is such a loser, why has he not tried to get me back this time? And why can't I see that he's a loser?? I know that it's probably true, I just wish i wasn't so blinded. Its already been two months and I'm nowhere near over this...... I wasn't even with him that long to begin with, but it was incredibly intense.

 

I just worry that I won't actually be happier without him. There isn't really much going on in my life right now. And i'm so fixated on him, and any other man who will show me the tiniest bit of attention. Why do I need to be wanted/desired in order to feel good?? Is this normal? I know it's normal to an extent, but I have way bigger problems to worry about right now. I HATE admitting that. But it feels good to let it out.

[Exit]

If he is such a loser, why has he not tried to get me back this time?

 

I think that may be a hint at what is really bugging you this time. Some part of you probably expected a shower of gifts and pleading after you decided to leave, and it didn't happen. Maybe he doesn't care that much, or maybe he's doing "No contact" like so many people around here are doing with the person that dumped them.

 

As far as your strong desire to be wanted and needed, yes to some extent that is normal, but it can go to far into love addiction or being codependent. Being codependent means that you want love so much that you'll stay in a situation where your needs aren't being met, you'll worry about someone else's needs more, you'll stay loyal to a person or situation even though it has become harmful or damaging to you, all because you're willing to deal with that just to "be loved". I struggle with the same thing. It's become apparent to me over the years that I never end relationships, that I stick with crappy people, etc, because I crave that attention. I hate waking up and not knowing that someone out there loves me.

 

Being addicted to the love/attention is also what makes it hard to move on. Although you broke up with him, you expected to see some reaction or affection from him, and he's been silent, so now you almost feel like you were the one who got rejected. But remind yourself that you weren't. And knowing that there are big issues in your life that need work but wishing this person would come back is another red flag. I'm the same way. I don't have a job, I'm running out of money, I stopped taking care of my health, and without my ex I have to stare all that in the face and realize my life sucks. I would love it if she would come back just so I could have some happiness and ignore that those other things are there.

 

I don't think this guy was your soulmate or anything. I understand your concern that you stayed in previous relationships too long and now you worry that maybe you bailed too soon, but trust the decisions that you made. The guy cheated on you and then can't keep himself calm and communicate like an adult, instead he has to punch things. Those ARE warning signs that eventually those fists would be hitting you.

[Ghosst]

It is hard to be alone. Especially if you were with someone who showered you with love and attention and pretty words.

 

When you sit down and really think about it, what you likely miss is the man you thought he was or had the potential to be. Sometimes we see people with rose coloured glasses. I did that with my ex.....I really miss the amazing things ....those nights when he would whisper in my ear that he loved me more than I could ever imagine when he thought I was sleeping. I would overlook the things he did that hurt me...that made my heart ache... I realized I loved the man he had the potential to be but not who he is now.

 

You have survived being alone before and you will again. The emptiness of being without a partner is better than the hurt of being with someone who does not respect you.

 

Every day remind yourself of the things that he did that hurt you and the reasons you deserve to be treated better! You deserve love and respect.

 

I recommend a book for you: Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. It is a good book to help you change the way you look at things.

 

I hope you find happiness

[guccimane99]

Alright sweetheart you have a low self esteem he cheated on you. Once a cheater always a cheater. You let this dick walk all over you. One thing i cant seem to wrap my head around is why are girls so dumb when it comes to choosing men. Im not saying you but don't girls realize you cant change someone. "We are who we are" as KeSha says. You cant change him he will cheat on anyone thats why i always got to know where a girl i like has been before i date her. Im sure your young im only 20 so im not knew but not old i feel like im everyone of my friend relationship experts. Its that young girls that like the bad boy types because they like the way they make them feel but once they get cheated on its a whole different ballpark which you have seen. My advice to you hunny would be to go find a sweet guy that will do all the good things and realize you are worth someone who is going to take you to dinner, take you to the movies, and spend a whole night doing what YOU want to do.

[guccimane99]

Also when you find a good guy dont give up on him expecially if you think hes too good cuz i will tell you this no guy is to good for anygirl its the girl not realizing she is worth being treated well.

[That_girl]

I think that may be a hint at what is really bugging you this time. Some part of you probably expected a shower of gifts and pleading after you decided to leave, and it didn't happen. Maybe he doesn't care that much, or maybe he's doing "No contact" like so many people around here are doing with the person that dumped them.

 

Yeah, that is definitely the part that bothers me the most about this. I never really believed that he was my soulmate. I did love him, but I knew it would never last and that I could never trust him. I had trouble trusting my boyfriend before him (who loved and respected me, and never cheated on me)....so I obviously knew I couldn't trust this most recent guy.

I think his silence is not making me regret my decision....but it's making me feel like the 'bad guy'. Maybe he is right, and I was constantly upset, or not there for him enough, or I didn't spend enough time with his friends. It's making me feel like I was to blame for a lot of stuff. Maybe I just don't have the capacity to be with anyone because I am selfish and unreasonable.

I was single for about 7 months before I met this guy...my boyfriend of 3 years and my first real love had ended things with me...and I spent those 7 months moving on and telling myself that he was an *******. Now that I've seen some of my own behaviour mirrored in my most recent ex (with the jealousy, the insecurity, the control)...I am through being angry with the man I once loved. I understand why he had to dump me. I don't think he had to be as cruel about it as he was....but I understand why he did it.

 

It's just hard to separate my faults in the previous relationship, from this one. I really feel like he ruined things...I'm not innocent, but he definitely made it impossible to love him anymore. I just don't understand why everyone pushes me away. Clearly I must have something to do with it. I didn't WANT to break up with him....he knew that. But I'm sure he saw it coming...and I almost feel like he was so prepared for it that he didn't even really care when it happened.

 

Most of my friends have boyfriends that love and support them, it's really hard not to feel completely unloveable when you've been burned so many times.

 

I went from being rejected by my first love, to being showered with attention and gifts after the current ex cheated...to being given the silent treatment. I don't understand what I did to make someone who apparently loved me more than anything just be able to disappear and not look back.