im messed up...

[heartbroken555]

Ok, so my ex broke up with me about 5 month ago, and for the first month we were still in contact, then at one point she just vanished... im 26 and shes 20.... we dated for 14 month and we had an amazing time, but towards the end she was never happy, never wanted to sleep with me, and was always clubbing and wearing sexy dresses ect. then she just dumped me one day, and never saw her again....

 

i know she lost interest in me because i had some issues to deal with in life ( being broke and being a bum ) but i always treated her with respect, and like a queen ( even my friends tell me im a idiot and she doesnt deserve me)

 

so i wrote her a long email and sent it to her last sunday and i told her how sorry i was for taking her forgranted and that i put some order back into my life and if theres any way we could fix our relationship. She replied to me on thursday and asked me to go on msn because she wanted to talk to me and i thought it was a good sign.

 

i asked her why she took so much time to respond and she said she was thinking about everything.

 

Then out she told me she was glad to hear from me, and she was suprised i would write her a email like that, and she appreciated it.

 

but she said she doenst think we could ever go back together, and that she still has feelings for me, but not enought to go back, and that we could be friends and keep in touch by email and msn. she began giving me some BS about how i look like someone who doesnt want a serious relationship or to commit ( and SHE KNOWS I DO !! ) and that we are at different places in our lives... i called her on her BS and she finally admited she was seing someone else. probably for the last 2 month around the same time she just stopped txt me or showing any signs of life.... i then went a bit nuts and told her how i felt betrayed and like a number and that i couldnt understand how she could throw away what we had for someone else without even sitting down and trying to work things out. she then said she wasnt in love with him ??? ( why is she telling me that ) and that i was selfish for not letting her being happy and that i was just pissed and jaloues because there was someone else. and turned the tables around saying she never promised me to come back or not to date other people and that i should stop acting like a victime, and she was sorry for breaking my heart, but that it wasnt the end of the world, and i should man up lol ( that was insulting !) and how discusting how life together was, and that i was irresponsible and that she actually though about coming back, but she realised she was better of without me. Basically she was very mean...

 

 

i know some poeple say that if you want your girl back ,and she is dating someone else, you should just be cool about it, stay her friend then slowly slowly get her back...

 

theres a part of me who still wants her yeah...

but i cant be her friend knowing shes sleeping with someone else..it kills me !

and i dont wanna be the one who gets her back, damn she left me and picked up someone else in no time...and i feel betrayed, if there was ever a way to go back together, she should sincerely apologize ( she wont )

i cant play that game, and be her spare tire in case it doesnt work out with the new guy !

 

i told her i couldnt be her friend, because i loved her so much, and the idea of her with someone else made me want to puke ! and that maybe one day we can talk again like adults, and be friends but not now, because im hurt and i cant control my feelings ! sorry

 

 

I feel like she really messed up bad, shes young and dumb and doesnt know what she wants and she was always mistreating me...

 

why is she telling me that she doesnt love the guy ??? i feel like she just wants me to stay there as a safety net, and i cant take that.. but at the same time i love her and want her back so much ..... what a ****ty feeling...

[swfc_77]

im over 8 months out of a very simular situation my friend.

 

the best way to deal with it is to walk away and forget about her, she' 20, i'll not say she's immature but lets just says she's not mature for her age.

 

i had the exact same words said to me.

 

"man up" i was like wtf, who do you think you are. i actually look back now and laugh it off, just shows how much respect someone has for your feelings when they spout utter garbage like that.

 

my ex was the same age as yours and im nearly the same age as you, im speaking from experience, she will probably try and contact you if you walk away from it all, if you want to be friends thats up too you, but i couldn't be friends with someone that shows me no respect what-so-ever.

 

i spoke to my ex over the phone last week, because every few weeks i get a txt, or my mum get a FB message as does my father, we just tend to ignore it.

 

when we spoke she told me she missed me, and wanted to be friends and that whenever anything happened in her life i was the first person she wanted to tell, she also went on to tell me about what she'd done and was doing.

 

all along i sat the just saying "yeah" i never told her 1 thing i did/doing.

 

she asked again if we could be friends and i said,

 

"not really, there is no point, we dont see each other and there is nothing we want from each other,

i told her we dont get on and dont really like each other anyway so it would be pointless trying to jump start a friendship thats build on ****ty foundations.

 

she said fine and if i change my mind to contact her, which i wont

 

the next day i recieved a very abusive txt message, which i ignored.

 

the point im trying to make is that IF you want to learn to live with this the best way i found was to just let it drop and walk away, ignore her txt/msn if you cant deal with what she says.

 

im 8 months out and im 99% there, i still think about her alot but the thoughts always end with how little respect my ex showed me by going with someone else so soon and lying.

 

its just how i dealt with it mate, it might work for you it might not but its the best advice i got from here,

 

take care,

[swfc_77]

ps, im not bitter and i dont have a grudge i just dont really give a $hit anymore.

 

i'v just decided to look after no1 for a while and not to take BS from anyone anymore.

[alabasterlamp]

Wow she is so disrepectful. She's not necessarily immature but just a bad person! If she is sleeping with a guy she doesn't even love, you don't want that person anyways. Block her and count your blessings you didn't invest your whole life in someone who is so selfish. Even though you weren't working she should have the respect to bring you her concerns/issues.

Edited May 31, 2011 by alabasterlamp
spelling errors

[guccimane99]

Im sorry you go treated that way i know how you feel and it sucks. I am very mature for my age as i am twenty and ill tell you girls that are my age only look for the bad boys and the d thats about it. They dont look at the long run my ex dropped me for some 22 year old guy. I wont blast him because i dont give a crap. I know it sucks if you were a good guy keep that rep and don't ever slum down to her standards. You want to have her look back and say "what the hell did i do i gave up on a good guy who cared about me and wouldnt have hurt me." Thats why you need to leave on a good note. My experience was my ex pulled the same stunt broke up with me i went no contact she told me she missed me i said second chance she said no promises but we will see. I kissed her next day and she told me she was hanging out with this guy they were just friends nothing more and that i didnt have to worry. She lied to my face and it was terrible because i knew something was going on. I saw a photo of them her kissing him and i flipped and said bad things. Then she texxted me saying she hoped i was doing good i ignored then wrote her a letter a couple months latter apologizing for everything and left there saying goodbye. I'll tell you leave on a good note anyone asks you about her just say something nice and that you hope shes happy and shes a good girl even if she isnt. I think my ex is a straight up terrorist for screwing with me like that. At the end of the day karma will come back sooner or later. Let this be a lesson once its over get the hell out it can only get worse.

[Good Arms]

heartbroken555, in view of my lack of relationship experience (that you'll see if you read on), you can choose to ignore my thoughts about your post if you wish But it sounds to me that you've been absolutely torturing yourself by holding onto hope for many months after she dumped you. One thing I didn't quite understand, you said she was seeing someone else, probably for the last 2 months... so if she dumped you 5 months ago, that means it was 3 months later that she was seeing someone? Sorry if I misunderstood that.

 

Of course, you'll still feel betrayed, but really, you have to let her go - however painful it is, she's already dumped you, so she's more than likely going to move on sooner or later... even if it's just to make herself feel better about her decision. I only went out with my ex for 2.5 months, she was my first everything, but through working with her (and initially staying friends her Facebook) I was faced with evidence of her moving on within mere weeks of dumping me. It's the cruellest thing you can possibly find out post-breakup. It makes us feel that what we had was so insignificant to them, we feel cheated, even though when they break up with you, they're free to do as they wish. You just wish they would have the decency to mourn the relationship, or take some time out, before finding comfort into the next guy that shows them any interest

 

Perhaps she doesn't really love this guy, or perhaps she's trying to make you feel better/alleviate her own guilt when talking to you - at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. It says more about her than you that she can move on so quickly. As painful as it is, you have to respect her decision and let her go. You did the right thing to say you can't be friends, as you've already seen how much it hurts to hear about her life. Look after yourself instead, I know how tough that can be.

 

I was inspired to post here as I was amazed to find some common ground with others who got told to "man up".

 

Those exact words still hurt me massively 6 months on from when my ex said them. Whatever context the phrase is said in, I think it's a person with a certain degree of coldness that would say it. I guess my story was very different (see sig for background), but on holiday she turned cold towards me and then snapped about me not making decisions on where to eat etc.

 

I knew it was a weakness I had, finding it difficult to take the lead in the relationship (as in any social situation) but it really boiled down to my total lack of experience, being naturally reserved and on reflection having years of low self esteem. I had been gradually building my confidence with her, we were both very loving, and I thought we were growing as a couple, so I was clueless as to how to handle it when she stopped reciprocating my affection and was obviously at least vaguely annoyed with my very presence.

 

Then a few days later, she said the stuff about how it was pissing her off that I wasn't making decisions, said something like "women don't find it attractive" and "that's why I haven't been affectionate"... I can't blame her I guess for speaking her mind, but given that she knew I was a very insecure and totally inexperienced guy from the start, yet had patience with me as I got comfortable with intimacy, we grew closer as a couple etc, I would have hoped she'd realise what that would do my self esteem! In an instant it crashed to the floor - she might as well have flat out said she didn't find ME attractive anymore, as that's what it meant.

 

She left the room, I got really upset and went out onto the hotel balcony as I didn't want her to see me like that, and then she came out, kind of half comforted me/half continued her criticism... saying amongst other things she wanted me to "man up" and be more proactive (ugh). Kind of hard when she's just destroyed the confidence and trust it took me a while to build. It was obviously over at that point, I became withdrawn and couldn't bring myself to try and talk things over without feeling like I'd burst into f**ing tears, and we didn't speak much for the final day. Later in the final breakup she told me she hadn't even wanted to go away with me (despite lying in the week before the holiday, giving me some BS lovey dovey messages).

 

I'd already been confused (in my inexperience) by the signs of her having lost interest/patience, so when she said those words including "man up" on top of me already feeling like I'd been doing everything wrong, it really killed me and hurts strongly to this day. It's amazing the power mere words can have.

 

So I'm sorry to go off on a tangent. But really, you need to try and begin to move away from the idea of wanting her back, and I'm glad you're starting to see that. It's so much harder to do when you're not doing NC, so I'd really recommend sticking to it now you've told her you can't be friends. Good luck.

[swfc_77]

good post, good arms.

 

those words hurt me for a good few months too.

 

i was working away after we'd split the first time and after being "led on" (tried to be friends sort of thing) she told me she had been seeing someone for 3-4 weeks and we'd only been split up about 5 weeks.

 

this after 18 months living together.

 

i was angry and upset at the time and was told to man up, that was kiind of the last straw. . . . . until we got back together 2 months later only for it to go belly up again.

 

i dont know, people say some horrible things during a break up , i certainly did and im sure things stick in her mind that i said to her.

 

OP - the way im dealing with the split (nearly 9 months now) is to tell myself that however much we love each other, the fact is we just dont match, fit or get on.

 

i also tell myself that if we did get back together, it would more than likely happen again, maybe 2 months or 20 years but i know we would eventually break up again, it hurts to say but there's no point persueing something you know will eventually crash and burn.

 

right im off fishing for the weekend, bye