Owl Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Almost all of us say "If my spouse cheated on me, I'd be gone so quick that...". Reality is that this isn't the common response on d-day. In truth...you really can't predict how you'll handle d-day (or multiple ones, I'm guessing) until you've been there. You can't honestly predict how you'll react to that news until/unless you face it directly...that's been my experience. If you're able to trust her and maintain a relationship with her in the full knowledge of what she's done (with you) to her marriage and her husband...why would it be so surprising that a husband who (I'm guessing) has YEARS of history is willing to try to fight for his marriage through those same d-days? He's got no less to lose than you do. More from his point of view, since he's looking at all those years of invested history. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Thankyou again to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. Your experience & insights are fantastic. I've been away for a few days this week & have therefore quashed the desire to contact MM, but I return home tomorrow & know that I am going to be so vulnerable & tempted to reach out to him. In the past 11 weeks it took all my strength not to get in touch with him & at that point I knew it would not help at all as he would (probably) have pushed me away. Now I just don't know what he would say, all I know is that it would make me happy to even just chat for a while. I'm trying to convince myself that he would probably reject me again do that I don't risk getting hurt again but know that when I'm alone & can't talk to family or friends at that precise moment, the temptation may become too strong. I think that I will set myself small targets eg. I won't make contact this week & see if that works. This is a nightmare. I love him & I miss him & I want him so much it hurts..... Link to post Share on other sites
Carrot2000 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 It also seems unthinkable to me as well since I couldn't see myself staying with someone that cheated multiple times after being caught. But you are staying with someone that cheated multiple times after being caught. The only difference between you and BH is that you're not married to her. Sounds like she's playing both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 (edited) The problem for him seems to be that whereas his W is the mother of his kids, offers total safety/stability into old age & offers companionship etc, I offer more of an emotional support, an admiration & respect for him that his W hasn't demonstrated for years & obviously a fantastic love life, which I know she can't compete with (his words, not mine). As I mentioned before these areas of his life are probably even more lacking now than ever before (unsurprisingly). So as a previous poster pointed out to me, his life isn't complete without the A, which could justify to him that we could be back in touch. Can you really know that any of this is true? Really? Where is your proof that his wife hasn't demonstrated the same things? Are you basing this upon your lover's word? Haven't you already told us that he lies and manipulates on a regular basis (i.e., is having an affair with you)? Why would you place so much faith in someone like that? Love doesn't have to be blind. It's flattering to believe this stuff, of course. It's certainly beneficial for MM. By comparing you to his wife, he is creating a rivalry/competition between you both, so you are going to work even harder to cater to his needs. (It's good to be king.) Crazy, you're not his social worker. Your focus on taking care of his needs is misdirected. Only he can take care of his needs. That leaves you free to take care of yourself. Again, many OW suffer from too much naivete/gullibility. Many MM pick them for this reason. Naive people are easier to control and manipulate, sorry to say. I used to be one, so I speak from experience. Yes, I know: Your MM is different!!! I'm making an unfair generalization! And that's possible. But keep your eyes wide open. Rigorously challenge your own assumptions about his marriage and his wife. My girlfriend is finishing her first week of her fourth or fifth NC in three years. I assured her today, "It will get better in a few months." She replied, "I can't think that far ahead. I'm just trying to get through today." So you're probably wise to break your commitment to NC down to small increments. It takes what it takes. Edited June 3, 2011 by Breezy Trousers Link to post Share on other sites
Holding-On Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Thanks guys. You're all right I know & it is hard because I adore him (which he knows). I was shocked when he came back because he seemed so damned remorseful & determined to fix his M. I never dreamt he would be back saying the things & recreating the closeness we once shared. I guess he's missed the way I treated him & looked up to him & hopes to get some of it back? To be fair he has told me that he will not contact me again but has definitely left the door open for me to contact him, whereas after D day he made it clear that we could not have contact, which I respected. It's just something about the things he said & the tone of voice he used, which were back to how he was before he got caught out. So I could be wrong but my gut reaction is that he wants to be back in touch with me, possibly as friends. Maybe that could be possible? Please read your own words. Preferably three or four times. You clearly cannot accurately measure this guy or trust in his sincerity. What makes you think his words that Breezy just quoted are true at all? I'm truly curious about this. The fact is that you cannot know with this guy but you can tell by his actions that he will treat the women in his life badly when push comes to shove. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 MM has now sent a message via a mutual friend to say that he is going to pop my bangle through my mail box on Tuesday (he hasn't even got my bangle) & also asked the friend to ask me to contact him re some things he forgot to say when we last spoke. WTF is going on. This really isn't over is it? Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 MM has now sent a message via a mutual friend to say that he is going to pop my bangle through my mail box on Tuesday (he hasn't even got my bangle) & also asked the friend to ask me to contact him re some things he forgot to say when we last spoke. WTF is going on. This really isn't over is it? It's over IF you want it to be.....otherwise it will be the same old, same old. It's up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Share Posted June 3, 2011 It's over IF you want it to be.....otherwise it will be the same old, same old. It's up to you. This has sent me into a total spin, cos even I have to admit this looks incredibly dodgy..... Will I have the strength to resist temptation? Link to post Share on other sites
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