How common is it for A to resume after d day?

[Mimolicious]

I have a strong feeling that this is not the first time your MM cheats on his W either. I predict that you will resume communication and you both will soon be back on the roller coaster taking the ride.

 

I would be absolutely amazed if he ever wanted to resume the A as surely he wouldn't dare take the risk again.

 

You really don't believe this. If he wasn't willing to take the risk, he wouldn't be contacting you AT ALL. Let's be for real...

 

If your username should tell us something... If I was this MM, I would beware. JK!

 

Hone, you let this clown back in and this time around I don't think you will be much of a victim. Like they said, making the same mistake twice is not forgivable. Can you find a single dude that can offer you his time and attention?

[TigerCub]

This has affected me much more than I thought it would & I'm finding it hard to think of anything else. I will definitely allow myself a couple of weeks to decide what to do. I would be absolutely amazed if he ever wanted to resume the A as surely he wouldn't dare take the risk again. I also found it difficult being in the A & felt so jealous of his M but I do miss him so much & believe I could handle just being in touch with him again.

 

CC, I think you want to believe what's in bold because you want him in your life. I don't judge you for that and I understand what's behind all that.

 

I think that you will just have to learn on your own.

 

I never had a dday, but I tried NC a few times and near the end, I thought that limited contact was best - because he was a "friend" and I wanted him in my life in some way.

 

I had to learn on my own why I can't be in his life.

I had to learn on my own why he's not a real friend

I had to deal with my choices and my pain on my own schedule.

 

So if you truly want to see the best in him, I understand where you're coming from because I was there once, but as someone who has made it on the other side now, I urge you to really think about what you are willing to do to keep someone like him in your life and if he is worth it at all.

 

Personally I don't think he is - but you may just need to learn all that on your own.

 

Be careful, be safe - I guess that's all I can say...

 

Good luck to you

[Crazy chick1]

I have a strong feeling that this is not the first time your MM cheats on his W either. I predict that you will resume communication and you both will soon be back on the roller coaster taking the ride.

 

 

 

You really don't believe this. If he wasn't willing to take the risk, he wouldn't be contacting you AT ALL. Let's be for real...

 

If your username should tell us something... If I was this MM, I would beware. JK!

 

Hone, you let this clown back in and this time around I don't think you will be much of a victim. Like they said, making the same mistake twice is not forgivable. Can you find a single dude that can offer you his time and attention?

 

I've turned down single guys because they don't measure up to my MM. I know I am being pathetic & I do deserve better but he has a hold over me that I can't explain & I just feel compelled to have contact of any form with him. I'd describe it like a car needing diesel, when I've spoken with him I feel full but this ebbs away throughout the day until I need my fill again. That's probably the best analogy I can give & I find it almost impossible to keep away from him. I've never experienced these types of feeling before & I feel hopeless (& I do realise how ridiculous that sounds).

[Crazy chick1]

Less focus of the why's and how's of your exMM and put more focus on yourself. Why you were even CONSIDER being friends with him again. All that will do is keep your feelings alive for him and prevent you from getting to know, getting to like any other (single) guy in the future.

 

Sadly I think you're going to go down that road, try friendship and see that it just won't work..For so many reasons besides the obvious. Then you'll be back and wanting support on how to stay in NC mode and how to deal with MORE pain that you'll be self inflicting on yourself.

 

Could I ask what you mean by "for so many reasons besides the obvious"?

[Mimolicious]

I've turned down single guys because they don't measure up to my MM. I know I am being pathetic & I do deserve better but he has a hold over me that I can't explain & I just feel compelled to have contact of any form with him. I'd describe it like a car needing diesel, when I've spoken with him I feel full but this ebbs away throughout the day until I need my fill again. That's probably the best analogy I can give & I find it almost impossible to keep away from him. I've never experienced these types of feeling before & I feel hopeless (& I do realise how ridiculous that sounds).

 

 

Babes, I think you need some help. "Measure up" to your MM- What are you actually benchmarking it against? I mean I get it, that someone can be physically attracted to another and find them fantbloodyfabulous and all but someone who lies, cheats, etc doesn't sound like the epitome of standards. What does it take to "measure" up? What is there to "measure", unless is not muscle inches?!

 

I mean, I feel sad when I read about chicks who feel like this. What a shame... breaks my heart. Really does. tsk, tsk, tsk...smh. This sounds almost obsessive. Hopefully, one day you can wake the hell up and not waste your precious youth on a dude who's words are basically meaningless, even to himself. Remember, on the other end he is lying to someone who he has made promises to. Don't think you will be the exception.

[Crazy chick1]

Sorry to vent again but I feel as though I have been totally manipulated by MM. Why on earth did he have to tell me that he misses me & all the rest, it's totally unfair. I know I shouldn't try to analyse what he said but as I am still in love with him it is virtually impossible. I really feel as though he is not putting the amount of effort into his M that he swore he would, as I'm certain his BW would not approve of many of the things he said to me. What makes a man want to treat us both like this?

[myname]

Sorry to vent again but I feel as though I have been totally manipulated by MM. Why on earth did he have to tell me that he misses me & all the rest, it's totally unfair. I know I shouldn't try to analyse what he said but as I am still in love with him it is virtually impossible. I really feel as though he is not putting the amount of effort into his M that he swore he would, as I'm certain his BW would not approve of many of the things he said to me. What makes a man want to treat us both like this?

 

Confusion, impulsiveness, I don't know. Wanting both of you in some way.

[Crazy chick1]

Confusion, impulsiveness, I don't know. Wanting both of you in some way.

 

Thanks for this reply. It definitely resonates with me as I am sure he wouldn't want to hurt either of us on purpose. He used to tell me that he wouldn't ever be able to give me up & I'm wondering if in his head this is maybe the case. Ultimately I guess it depends on whether I would be prepared to play second fiddle all over again (answer: not sure) & whether he can find the inner strength to walk away from me as he really should do for the sake of his M. Again I'm not sure at this stage whether he can.

[waytogo]

It's just so hard because much as I hated not having the contact with him, at least the pain was easing albeit very slowly. I feel a lot of pain again now, it was so hard hearing his voice again. I haven't decided whether or not to follow through & contact him again in the future, but I know that the main thing putting me off is the embarrassment if I've misinterpreted the situation, especially as he mentioned that he still loves his W too much to leave her. He also explained why he'd made the decision to stay, which I totally understand & told me that if he had have been single he would definitely be in a R with me. I should probably point out that I am 14 years younger than him & I think he is flattered by my love for him.

 

He's not your friend. Your real friends want you to have whole positive R's. You were convienent to him, and he wants you less than whole and convienent. He wants the ego boost and something easy. Who is going to make life easier for you? Him? I think you know the answer is no.

 

You aren't on this earth to flatter him. It's ok to flatter someone who flatters you back. If you are special enough to be in a bed with him, you are special enough to be introduced as the woman in his life. Anything short of that, just falls way to short.

[whichwayisup]

Could I ask what you mean by "for so many reasons besides the obvious"?

 

It won't work because of the obvious..He chose his wife over you and went back to her. Being friends is a cancer to his marriage and will only harm their marriage..It'll prevent you from finding someone else..You will hang onto him and have hopes..You'll continue being the OW and get hurt. Everyone knows one cannot be 'friends' with an ex after a break up, let alone when the ex is married.

 

And, it's unhealthy for you!

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for this reply. It definitely resonates with me as I am sure he wouldn't want to hurt either of us on purpose. He used to tell me that he wouldn't ever be able to give me up & I'm wondering if in his head this is maybe the case. Ultimately I guess it depends on whether I would be prepared to play second fiddle all over again (answer: not sure) & whether he can find the inner strength to walk away from me as he really should do for the sake of his M. Again I'm not sure at this stage whether he can.

 

No, but he will hurt both you and his wife SELFISHLY! Without thinking. He will do whatever is best for him at that particular moment. He will probably tell you things that aren't true or exaggerate to suit him best, make him look good in your eyes (bad stuff about his wife, marriage, etc) and to his wife, he'll say things about you (You pursued him, wouldn't leave him alone, he felt sorry for you because of x,y,z..)..

 

FOCUS ON YOU! Not on him.

[Breezy Trousers]

You're a bit obsessed with him, which is natural. I'm sure he's noticed it, too. That's why he keeps coming back..

 

It's common for OW to think MM's attention is flattering rather than manipulative. I don't know your circumstances, but this could be why he's with you. Contrary to public opinion of OW being sneaky and conniving, I think many OW are often too trusting and naive and thus easily played.

 

Most MM come back over & over again -- often just when you think it's finally over and even if they are involved with another OW! Happens all the time. If you opened a door to them in the past -- sex, attention, admiration -- they will keep gently pressing to see if that door will open again .... (Honestly, it can be kind of hard to get rid of MM, which is why NC is discussed so much here.)

 

If you believe it "means" something when he calls -- if you tell yourself a self-flattering tale about it -- then you will be hooked & reeled in very easily. You will be played.

 

If you understand that this is just the nature of MM in affairs, you will find it easier to take control of the situation, which is by taking care of yourself and not focusing on MM.

 

Everyone is giving you great advice here, but I have a sad feeling you aren't going to listen.

 

Keep coming back.

[SoleMate]

...he said to me when we spoke was that I should do as he does & remember all the good times we shared & forget the bad things that happened...

Ha ha, good one!!

 

"Bad things"...."happened".....!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

...he said to me when we spoke was that I should do as he does & remember all the good times we shared & forget the bad things that happened...

 

I wonder if he's used this line on his wife too!

[carrie999]

The thing is, he felt the panic when it first happened, he probably feared that his W would leave, and he really wanted to be good.

The problem is - we always forget the exact feeling we had at one point in time.

You are forgetting the exact pain and the exact feeling you had when he chose her and not you, when he told you he wouldn't be contacting you again.

 

We're human, and part of that is that sometimes no matter how serious something is, or how painful, we tend to forget that exact feeling and we repeat our mistakes because time passed and the same problems we had before are still there - nothing has really changed.

 

This is so true!!! I haven't had this experience in an affair, but the feeling is not exclusive to a loved one choosing someone else. I dated the same guy on and off from high school until my mid twenties. He broke up with me in a very hurtful way the first time, and in retrospect, I wonder if we ended up together (and close to marriage) because I was harboring old feelings for him and needed to feel like he really CHOSE me after all was said and done.

 

In the end, we were very incompatible and had probably been growing apart for most of the time we knew one another. But I loved him so deeply and intensely early on that when he came back, I took him back despite our obvious differences.

 

I wonder how much pride and the feeling of rejection plays into affairs and getting back together after NC. Yes, I was young and immature, but affairs seem to bring back old fears and teenage vulnerability, more so than normal adult relationships and breakups...it's that part of all of us that needs to be wanted and chosen above anyone else, even if the relationship will never be right again.

[Crazy chick1]

It won't work because of the obvious..He chose his wife over you and went back to her. Being friends is a cancer to his marriage and will only harm their marriage..It'll prevent you from finding someone else..You will hang onto him and have hopes..You'll continue being the OW and get hurt. Everyone knows one cannot be 'friends' with an ex after a break up, let alone when the ex is married.

 

And, it's unhealthy for you!

 

Thanks for the reply! I appreciate what you're saying & the comment about me being the cancer to his M matches what he told me after D day, that he needed to invest everything he had into making it work & part of that meant NC with me, as his W demanded.

 

Now playing devil's advocate a little, I will be totally honest (as none of you guys know me) & admit that some small, evil part of me would enjoy damaging their M because I feel that so much more pain has come to my door, whilst he seems to have more or less avoided too much distress. Their children are adults & his W just seems content to believe it was all me (which couldn't be further from the truth). She has sent me some nasty messages since the A & I know it's unfair because I caused the initial hurt to her, but I would almost like her to see that he hasn't changed & then I will feel somewhat vindicated.

 

And in continuing with the total honesty I guess if we resume & he gets found out again, his W may be less understanding & kick him to the curb. Please don't tell me how pathetic that sounds & I know it is shameful to be willing to stoop so low, but it is where my head is right now. And yes even if I got with him by default he could do the same to me (though that was more his fear because of the age difference).

[Breezy Trousers]

Thanks for the reply! I appreciate what you're saying & the comment about me being the cancer to his M matches what he told me after D day, that he needed to invest everything he had into making it work & part of that meant NC with me, as his W demanded.

 

Now playing devil's advocate a little, I will be totally honest (as none of you guys know me) & admit that some small, evil part of me would enjoy damaging their M because I feel that so much more pain has come to my door, whilst he seems to have more or less avoided too much distress. Their children are adults & his W just seems content to believe it was all me (which couldn't be further from the truth). She has sent me some nasty messages since the A & I know it's unfair because I caused the initial hurt to her, but I would almost like her to see that he hasn't changed & then I will feel somewhat vindicated.

 

And in continuing with the total honesty I guess if we resume & he gets found out again, his W may be less understanding & kick him to the curb. Please don't tell me how pathetic that sounds & I know it is shameful to be willing to stoop so low, but it is where my head is right now. And yes even if I got with him by default he could do the same to me (though that was more his fear because of the age difference).

 

 

Totally understandable. Your self honesty is going to help you in the end.

However, the reason so much pain has come into your life is not because of MM or his W but because you deliberately opened your door to a situation that will not support you. As soon as you can take responsibility for that, and quit being obsessed with MM and his wife, the better you will feel in the end.

 

Yes, his W could kick him to the curb and you may get MM by default, but that is hardly flattering to you. It will be an empty victory. You deserve better.

[Crazy chick1]

Another thing keeping me clinging on is that I crave that elusive feeling of closure. I feel like I have got a little closer by him being the one to break NC & hearing him confess he is struggling too (when in my mind I had convinced myself that he couldn't care less about me & had totally gotten over me). I suppose there's not much else I can gain in the way of positive closure. The choice now must be to either accept that he has validated the way I feel about him & made me feel 'valued' and re-establish NC or choose the easier option (at least in the short term) & accept whatever crumbs he throws my way, to quote a poster on here, so that I at least retain some connection with the man I love & cling onto that 1% chance that he will be with me one day.

 

If I do choose to keep the contact open (& obviously if he is open to this, which could only be confirmed via further contact from me), logic suggests that a continuation of the A could be on the cards because he would be deceiving his W by keeping in touch with me so he may as well go the whole hog, plus I think he probably couldn't resist the attraction we have if we were back in touch.

 

The problem for him seems to be that whereas his W is the mother of his kids, offers total safety/stability into old age & offers companionship etc, I offer more of an emotional support, an admiration & respect for him that his W hasn't demonstrated for years & obviously a fantastic love life, which I know she can't compete with (his words, not mine). As I mentioned before these areas of his life are probably even more lacking now than ever before (unsurprisingly). So as a previous poster pointed out to me, his life isn't complete without the A, which could justify to him that we could be back in touch.

[Lucky_One]

Their children are adults & his W just seems content to believe it was all me (which couldn't be further from the truth).

 

And in continuing with the total honesty I guess if we resume & he gets found out again, his W may be less understanding & kick him to the curb.

 

Let's say you go back to the affair. Let's say you have another D-Day, and MM immediately cranks up the bus and rolls over you again. Let's say that BS confides in her adult children, she kicks MM out, their families and friends find out, and he comes crawling to you for comfort, validation, and a soft place to land.

 

6 months down the road, what you do you think you will have?

 

You will have a much older man who is fighting with his BS over retirement, marital assets. and alimony. You will have a man whose children are furious with him, and who tell him that his GF isn't welcome in their homes or at their children's kindergarten plays, and who don't include him at Christmas dinner at BS's house. You will have a man who loses some of his lifelong marital friends, who has friends whose wives talk about you (hopefully behind you back only) and who don't want their husbands to stand beside you at cocktail parties. You will have a man with a family who may be angry with him for taking away one of their long-time family members and friends, and who still prefer to have her over for 4th of July picnics rather than having you attend.

 

You had better rethink what you are wishing for. D-Days are bad for far more reasons than the immediate. Public disclosure can be far reaching and very very long memoried.

[Lost00]

I've been through 3 ddays as the OM. After the first two times, we went back to an EA/PA almost immedietely. Not much changed after the fact. After the third time, guilt overcame her and she initiated NC for the first time. Two weeks later, NC was broken. When I met up with MW this week when NC was broken, I asked her what she seeked for wanting to see me, and contact me. Her answer was "I'm confused".

[Crazy chick1]

I've been through 3 ddays as the OM. After the first two times, we went back to an EA/PA almost immedietely. Not much changed after the fact. After the third time, guilt overcame her and she initiated NC for the first time. Two weeks later, NC was broken. When I met up with MW this week when NC was broken, I asked her what she seeked for wanting to see me, and contact me. Her answer was "I'm confused".

 

Thanks for your input. Does her H just keep accepting her back then, seems unthinkable to me? And what drives you to keep taking her back?

[2sure]

Happens all the time.

Especially with cheaters that really want to stay married and still cheat. Cake eaters. They really really really want both.

 

And let me guess...As you said, he told you he Loves his Wife too Much to leave. And then you go onto say you understand his "reasons".

 

Im sorry to be harsh, but just out of curiosity...were any of these reasons having to do with, wait, let me guess:

His wife NEEDS Him, cuz she is dependent.

She is emotionally unstable

Will kill herself

She is dying

 

Any variation on those things - do not buy it.

Look - she found out and regardless of how he feels, he initiated no contact because he had to do grovel , beg, and do a LOT of convincing for her to not toss him out. During that process she didnt want him much less need him, she may have been emotionally unstable but for good reason, and she was more homicidal than suicidal.

 

So, do what you want but dont think further than what he did.

[Lost00]

Thanks for your input. Does her H just keep accepting her back then, seems unthinkable to me? And what drives you to keep taking her back?

 

It also seems unthinkable to me as well since I couldn't see myself staying with someone that cheated multiple times after being caught. Part of it is because the H's past actions that caused her to stray. He feels partly at fault. After the 1st dday, her H's first reaction was to get a D. Once emotions tapered, he wanted to work on the marriage. After the 2nd dday, he threatened that she has one last chance. If she catches her again, papers would be filed. Well, dday #3 comes around, and he tells her to pack her stuff and move to my place. She begged and pleaded for another chance since she never fully gave the marriage an ernest effort.

 

A piece of me holds onto the fact that there may be a possibility that her M will not work out (I know, this is bad..). Also, I can't resist or deny her contact due to our history. We've been best friends for the most part of 8 years before the 6 month A happened. It's seems impossible to break the cycle due to the connection we have, and the history we had.

[Lucky_One]

It also seems unthinkable to me as well since I couldn't see myself staying with someone that cheated multiple times after being caught.

 

T/J So you couldn't see yourself staying with someone who cheated on you multiple times - but you can see yourself staying with someone who still is sleeping with her husband and has begged him multiple times not to divorce her?

 

In a perverse way, isn't your MW cheating on you with her H, multiple times? So aren't you doing the unthinkable?

[Lost00]

T/J So you couldn't see yourself staying with someone who cheated on you multiple times - but you can see yourself staying with someone who still is sleeping with her husband and has begged him multiple times not to divorce her?

 

In a perverse way, isn't your MW cheating on you with her H, multiple times? So aren't you doing the unthinkable?

 

 

I totally see your point and agree with you to an extent, but I don't feel betrayed. That's a whole other topic in itself.