The best post i have ever seen on affairs. READ

[White Flower]

Just as well. Some people seem congenitally unable to apologise despite being proven wrong or called on their hypocrisy. I guess if they deny their past loudly enough to themselves enough times, they've erased it from the historical record.

 

To return to the topic of the thread, the best post I have ever seen on affairs is this one.

It must have been removed:mad:

[White Flower]

I don't think there is anything wrong with anyone challenging anything. Every time someone shows up to post it is either to share an experience, gain support, or challenge an apposing view. Why pretend that is so shocking when it is practiced here all the time by people just like you?

 

Excellent post, WF!! I concur.

 

I'm sorry' date=' but who exactly is "people just like you"? Sounds so condescending and accusatory. Was that your intention?[/quote']Nice try NID, but please don't put words in my mouth. I said what I meant very clearly. I bolded it just so you would read it again and see it the way it was intended, very innocently.

 

When someone states, 'anyone challenging anything', we are all included, so no, I was not condescending or accusatory in any way. We all do it, (challenge ideas) and it is fine to do so. That is what internet forums are for, to share the wide spectrum of ideas, and hopefully, to gain a wide spectrum of experience for ourselves. No one way is the right way and that is what we should be learning here.

[White Flower]

Apologies - problem with the link format. Here it is again.

Thank you for this. Will carry on reading!

[woinlove]

Apologies - problem with the link format. Here it is again.

 

I don't agree with Mira Kirshenbaum's view that one should try to keep the affair secret if one is interested in staying married. To me, a fulfilling marriage is built on honesty and trust, not on deception and trying to make your spouse believe something that isn't true. I don't see how one can have a close, intimate, marriage where both people are on the same page while trying to hide something so major. It's true that confessing may mean the end of the marriage, but the end of the marriage is not the worst thing that can happen. Spending one's life living a lie and missing out on real intimacy and honesty between partners seems worse.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't agree with Mira Kirshenbaum's view that one should try to keep the affair secret if one is interested in staying married. To me, a fulfilling marriage is built on honesty and trust, not on deception and trying to make your spouse believe something that isn't true. I don't see how one can have a close, intimate, marriage where both people are on the same page while trying to hide something so major. It's true that confessing may mean the end of the marriage, but the end of the marriage is not the worst thing that can happen. Spending one's life living a lie and missing out on real intimacy and honesty between partners seems worse.

 

 

I have been trying to find anything she has published in recognized peer reviewed journals. So far nothing, though it does say she is licensed in psychotherapy. She seems to be a pretty successful author, but that means what? Seems that positive psychology is her thing, which I like when paired with the truth. She seems to be liking in that area.

[donnamaybe]

I have been trying to find anything she has published in recognized peer reviewed journals. So far nothing, though it does say she is licensed in psychotherapy. She seems to be a pretty successful author, but that means what? Seems that positive psychology is her thing, which I like when paired with the truth. She seems to be liking in that area.

 

I think your smart phone meant "lacking." lol

[bentnotbroken]

I think your smart phone meant "lacking." lol

 

:laugh:Not a smart phone this time, just not paying attention.

[bentnotbroken]

OH come on.......do you really expect us to believe you are new here?

 

This insisting that posters are bullied into going NC argument is getting a little old. However.......I will say that as a whole most posters who post here in this section of LS are not supporters of affairs, mostly because they have been (on the bad side) of one on some end of the triangle. IT IS WHAT IT IS. It's also odd to me that a lot of the posters who moan and groan about how it is here at LS are the same posters who tend to not offer a lot in the way of support instead spending their time here posting about the error of others ways.

 

 

Also it should be said that as soon as a new poster get's pm privileges they are privately alerted to other boards, right? Or is that you wouldn't know anything about that?

 

Odd isn't it. I mean if support isn't being offered in a way that one feels it should be offered. Why not do the offering instead of going off on some tangent about what "support" really means and who is giving "real" support or what side of the triangle anyone is on.

[jthorne]

I have been trying to find anything she has published in recognized peer reviewed journals. So far nothing, though it does say she is licensed in psychotherapy. She seems to be a pretty successful author, but that means what? Seems that positive psychology is her thing, which I like when paired with the truth. She seems to be liking in that area.

I read an article where Kirchenbaum admits her own bias in writing "When Good People Have Affairs." She was a BS trying to understand her own WS during the reconciliation process. She said she wrote the book for people wanting to STAY MARRIED TO THEIR SPOUSE.

 

So that an OW admires Kirchenbaum so much is rather ironic, no?

[Severely Unamused]

This insisting that posters are bullied into going NC argument is getting a little old. However.......I will say that as a whole most posters who post here in this section of LS are not supporters of affairs, mostly because they have been (on the bad side) of one on some end of the triangle. IT IS WHAT IT IS. It's also odd to me that a lot of the posters who moan and groan about how it is here at LS are the same posters who tend to not offer a lot in the way of support instead spending their time here posting about the error of others ways.

Seems that way.

 

If somebody is a genuine clunkhead, do as you would do in real life, and ignore them.

 

Of course, many of the posts that have been attacked on here for being unsupportive, seem merely to be unpopular opinion (according to the opinion of some posters, that is). So do as you would do in real life when somebody makes an enlightening, reasonable, rational argument that is diametrically opposed to your own views: ignore it.

Edited August 6, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Silly_Girl]

I read an article where Kirchenbaum admits her own bias in writing "When Good People Have Affairs." She was a BS trying to understand her own WS during the reconciliation process. She said she wrote the book for people wanting to STAY MARRIED TO THEIR SPOUSE.

 

So that an OW admires Kirchenbaum so much is rather ironic, no?

 

Why is it ironic? You're living proof that the OW can sound little like a stereotype of an OW. I know there's times I myself sound like a BS

 

Many people do form opinions on a case by case basis.

[woinlove]

That was interesting...

Of course, it won't be what everyone wants to hear, but there is room for all views here.

Where everyone can speak freely without fear of casual disrespect and bitchiness...:bunny:

 

I wonder why you word it as "wants to hear" rather than "agrees with"? Is that how you feel?

 

Wanting to hear a specific view suggests that one is not ready to face reality, perhaps not ready to face consequences. One can debate honesty vs deception and such issues based on values. It doesn't have to be a matter of wanting or not wanting to hear something.

[Silly_Girl]

I wonder why you word it as "wants to hear" rather than "agrees with"? Is that how you feel?

 

Wanting to hear a specific view suggests that one is not ready to face reality, perhaps not ready to face consequences. One can debate honesty vs deception and such issues based on values. It doesn't have to be a matter of wanting or not wanting to hear something.

 

I think that's often the case on this board.

[jthorne]

Please quote the post where I claimed to be new. Or old. Or anything.

 

 

 

Please quote the post where I claimed to be an OW. Or a BS. Or anything.

Perhaps you should share your story then? Or have you already?

 

 

I don't see why it's at all ironic that anybody should admire anyone else seeking to understand why, and how, affairs happen. It's far too rare, sadly; most seek to condemn rather than understand. So when one does encounter a genuine attempt to understand, it's certainly to be admired - by anyone, of any persuasion, wouldn't you agree?

Not really. As I said before, OW tend to seek out what will serve their own interests. Certainly was the case with the "last" OW here to quote Mira Kirschenbaum.

[White Flower]

Not really. As I said before, OW tend to seek out what will serve their own interests. Certainly was the case with the "last" OW here to quote Mira Kirschenbaum.

All people tend to serve their own interests.

[White Flower]

This insisting that posters are bullied into going NC argument is getting a little old.

Thank you for saying so.

 

 

Also it should be said that as soon as a new poster get's pm privileges they are privately alerted to other boards, right? Or is that you wouldn't know anything about that?

AFAIK other boards are private and have quite a long process to get in so I would assume not. But what I do know is that new posters often do not feel safe to freely express themselves as they do in PMs, and oftentimes that is where we can truly meet their needs. It's an honest attempt to offer real support.

 

As a former OW, I am surprised you weren't aware of that.

[White Flower]

So is being mature enough not to bully those who have a different opinion....

Where is the like button?

[Silly_Girl]

I did quote a previous post in this thread to make a point. I suspect sg and hedda are one and the same and to actually talk within a thread to your alter, well that is moving the crazy up a few notches, isn't it? Wasn't hedda created while your sg persona was on moderation? In order to bypass moderation?

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Silly_Girl

I'd like to call you on that. Never happened in any thread I've ever read on here. But feel free to prove me wrong!

 

Originally posted by Hedda Gabler in response to sg.

If your only tool is a hammer (NC) the whole world looks like a nail ("affair boosting").

 

You're utterly wrong BB, again. But I'm used to the assumptions made about me here being not just wrong but often downright malicious, so nothing new under the sun

[bentnotbroken]

OK.......so WHO IS Hedda?

 

 

I don't know but Hedda is talking about a split up MM.

[jthorne]

Correct me if I am wrong, but this is an anonymous forum, and it's really not cool, to be speculating as to the identity of any poster new or old... Coupled with the fact that you hold opposing views to this poster; it simply comes across as bullying and I believe it contravenes the spirit of this board.

Creating a new identity after the first one has been banned contravenes with the spirit of this board as well.

[jthorne]

Yes, really now...

It's unfair and unkind to continually speculate on other's identity...

It's happened to me and it's not nice.

Your creating an unfriendly atmosphere on the board by doing such things.

No-one should be made to feel they are being scrutinized by another group of people, it's bullying, plain and simple...

 

It's not your board, stop bullying others.. Be nice

Really? Maybe you could pass this on to another member then.

 

If the accusation isn't true, why would it bother you? White Flower accused me of having a sock in another thread, as if I have the time or interest in creating a sock to respond to her, when I've shown I'm perfectly capable of responding to her myself. The accusation wasn't true, so I didn't even bother to respond.

 

I guess much like high school, what's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander.

[White Flower]

Well how sad for you that this is your experience such that you have that belief. Perhaps it is the environment which surrounds you.

 

The other weekend, I went to Petco and a local shelter was having an adoption event. How was taking volunteers' weekends away from their families to clean dirty crates and walk a bunch of dogs in over 100 degree heat serving their own interests? I could see that they could use some financial help, so I whipped out my checkbook. How was the $500 hit to my bank account serving my own interest?

I knew you would mention something like this, so thank you for obliging, lol. And I thank you once again for assuming too much and for putting words in my mouth. Attacking me has become a daily ritual for you it would seem.

 

I volunteer and donate to charities a lot myself, but I try to keep it to myself because it would only serve in my interest to brag about it. Also, doing something for others enriches our own lives, and in a way is self-serving. Altruisim often benefits both the giver and receiver.

 

I am sure you find it rare that an OP (actually, fOP) would be heavily into volunteer work but actually it is not that rare. We try to keep our threads on topic on these boards so often don't bring up our charity work.

[White Flower]

Really? Maybe you could pass this on to another member then.

 

If the accusation isn't true, why would it bother you? White Flower accused me of having a sock in another thread, as if I have the time or interest in creating a sock to respond to her, when I've shown I'm perfectly capable of responding to her myself. The accusation wasn't true, so I didn't even bother to respond.

 

I guess much like high school, what's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander.

Please don't give cheergirl a hard time for how I defended myself against your personal attacks toward me. I don't even know her and I'm sure she doesn't appreciate you lumping us all into one group.

 

I, for one, would like to see this thread go back OT.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm not bullying anyone, that's not my style.

 

I have been informed here on LS that it is not the intention behind the post that is relevant, but how the recipient views it that denotes whether or not it is bullying. Which would make you wrong.

[bentnotbroken]

Never mind.....it's not worth it.

 

 

Perhaps you and I should just put each other on ignore so we can both avoid t/j someone's else threads.

 

 

BB, wonderful idea.