The best post i have ever seen on affairs. READ

[MissBee]

Most affairs are going to end badly and those that do not are both anecdotal and lots of hard work.

 

1. If your MM gets busted then congratulations you are now the home wrecking wh0re.

 

2. If he does decide to leave he is in no hurry to divorce and this will piss you off. It will create friction and anxiety with you pushing and him pulling.

 

3. If he has kids you can bet your bottom dollar that BS WILL inform the kids to why daddy has moved out. It will be difficult if damn near impossible to win them over unless they are extremely young or you are extremely patient.

 

4. If you make it that far and marry your affair partner you now have the challenging task of blending families. This is difficult in second marriages that start out in the conventional way. It is much more difficult when you are considered the reason daddy and mommy are not together anymore.

 

5. Every single encounter with the BS is going to be tension filled at best or a shyt storm but you can not avoid them because you are parenting her children.

 

6. You will have to bite your tongue a lot. The BS is going to insult you in front of her children but out of consideration for those same children you are co parenting you will have to be the bigger person and not talk ill of their mother.

 

7. Over the course of their marriage they will have developed friendships with other couples. The husbands will be pretty much cool but their wives will feel threatened. Not that you are going after their husbands (but yes some of them think you are on a MM brigade) but from the reminder that if it could happen to Jane down the street it can it happen to me.

 

8. I am finally at a place where his ex wife and myself can be civil if not friendly and we are happy as a family. It took therapy for the whole family and lots of concessions from me that I would not have had to make had I not been the OW prior to getting involved with a MM. I would not trade my life for the world but would I do something like this again? Can you hear an emphatic NO? It's like winning the lottery and forgetting there is going to be a huge tax on it.

9. Finally, the chances of your MM ever leaving and marrying you is unusual. You will find far more MW abandoning the marriage for their affair partner than the other way around. Additionally, MM usually leave very quickly if they are going leave when they are still all wrapped up in that new car (or new vagina) smell.

My name is Loni and I have been an anecdote for 4 years.

 

 

Great post!

Edited June 22, 2011 by MissBee

[Loni]

Thank you MissBee and wisernow. I feel it important to point out the obstacles even when the married person does leave.

[Got it]

Loni,

 

Please clarify for me, do you actually have experience with this as the WS or the OP or is your research anedotal?

 

Because I am living it and have been living it, the premise of your post, and not sure I totally agree.

 

Please all relationships take work, it is when the parties start slacking you end up in unhappy and stagnant relationships.

[OWoman]

Most affairs are going to end badly and those that do not are both anecdotal and lots of hard work.

 

1. If your MM gets busted then congratulations you are now the home wrecking wh0re.

 

2. If he does decide to leave he is in no hurry to divorce and this will piss you off. It will create friction and anxiety with you pushing and him pulling.

 

3. If he has kids you can bet your bottom dollar that BS WILL inform the kids to why daddy has moved out. It will be difficult if damn near impossible to win them over unless they are extremely young or you are extremely patient.

 

4. If you make it that far and marry your affair partner you now have the challenging task of blending families. This is difficult in second marriages that start out in the conventional way. It is much more difficult when you are considered the reason daddy and mommy are not together anymore.

 

5. Every single encounter with the BS is going to be tension filled at best or a shyt storm but you can not avoid them because you are parenting her children.

 

6. You will have to bite your tongue a lot. The BS is going to insult you in front of her children but out of consideration for those same children you are co parenting you will have to be the bigger person and not talk ill of their mother.

 

7. Over the course of their marriage they will have developed friendships with other couples. The husbands will be pretty much cool but their wives will feel threatened. Not that you are going after their husbands (but yes some of them think you are on a MM brigade) but from the reminder that if it could happen to Jane down the street it can it happen to me.

 

8. I am finally at a place where his ex wife and myself can be civil if not friendly and we are happy as a family. It took therapy for the whole family and lots of concessions from me that I would not have had to make had I not been the OW prior to getting involved with a MM. I would not trade my life for the world but would I do something like this again? Can you hear an emphatic NO? It's like winning the lottery and forgetting there is going to be a huge tax on it.

 

9. Finally, the chances of your MM ever leaving and marrying you is unusual. You will find far more MW abandoning the marriage for their affair partner than the other way around. Additionally, MM usually leave very quickly if they are going leave when they are still all wrapped up in that new car (or new vagina) smell.

 

My name is Loni and I have been an anecdote for 4 years.

 

My experience is very very different to yours.

 

1. We never got "bust". He informed the BW he intended to leave, and left.

 

2. He was in a great hurry to D, and did so as quickly as he could, despite the BW's delaying tactics.

 

3. The BW did not inform the kids - he'd spoken to them before the BW even knew, so they knew the score and supported him, and chose to leave with him when he left. (They were teens, so old enough to make that call).

 

4. My kids are older, so there was no "blending" in the traditional sense, but they all get on really well together when they do see each other.

 

5. There are no encounters with the BS - she avoids us. On the one occasion she chose not to, she was ignored by all and left early.

 

6. I have no idea what (if anything) she has said to the kids about me. They don't pass on stories either way. I've never spoken ill of her to them, and when they speak ill of her to us I listen but urge understanding.

 

7. "Their" friends were really his friends, who tolerated her when they had to, but chose to see him on his own as far as possible. They are now OUR friends. There has been not the slightest issue from any of them. No one has been any less than warm and welcoming and our full and active social life of old and new friends testifies to that.

 

8. We are also a happy family, but it excludes the xW. In fact, his extended family is far closer than it had been when he was M, because his family did not like her and she did not attend any family functions. Now that he's "back" in the family, there are far more get-togethers and everyone genuinely enjoys each others' company.

 

9. My H left his xW about 3 years into the A. It had nothing to do with "new car" - no way is he that superficial. He left because we were in love and we wanted to be together and through IC he'd learned that he did actually deserve happiness as much as anyone else. We may be in a minority here, but that makes our story no less valid. :love:

 

I don't go around cheerleading or recommending As to everyone as the best way to meet the man of your dreams, because As are not for everyone and for many OWs they bring difficulty and heartache. But nor will I deny that for some people they do work out, that sometimes they can bring great joy and that for those who choose an A from a place of strength and not a place of weakness, there can be definite advantages. I believe in judging each situation on its own merits and not blandly applying OSFA "cookie cutter" responses.

[cheergirl]

Wow... I found the OP relentlessly whiny and annoying and incredibly presumptuous. He got led a merry dance and assumes everyone else will suffer the same fate. Surely it depends on the individuals involved?

[Silly_Girl]

Wow... I found the OP relentlessly whiny and annoying and incredibly presumptuous. He got led a merry dance and assumes everyone else will suffer the same fate. Surely it depends on the individuals involved?

 

Bolded - that's my view. But many beliieve there is a single script.

 

Thing is, 2 people can have that same script, that outcome, and deal with it differently, and it can become a positive force in their life, or a negative one.

[Never_Say]

Sorry your A didn't work out. Sorry your so sour grapes over it. Mine is

You know sometimes the MM will LOVE you enough to DO what they SAY they are going to do! Sometimes they REALLY DO LEAVE!

 

 

I'm new, but have been lurking for quite some time.

 

Daisy, how long did it take? Did they (on their own) provide a timeline to leave their M?

 

I know quite a few people where A's do work out, "happily ever after"..... BUT.... I've read the statistics (and LS posts) and I'm just trying to figure out if I'm the string-a-long or if the W is the string-a-long.

[White Flower]

I can't believe in 'the stats' that are often quoted here. There seems to be a 'gang mentality' from a particular group to enforce an idea *here* that A's rarely make it to primary Rs but I have seen more here and IRL.

I couldn't edit my last post for some reason.

 

I'm not saying in any way, shape, or form that you (SIT) are part of the 'gang mentality' I mentioned earlier.

[SoleMate]

I'm sure that if someone jumps off a high place without a parachute, MOST of the time (but not all) they will be terribly hurt.

 

Therefore, I would always advise people to NOT jump off a high place without a parachute.

 

Same here. Also applies to using illegal drugs, having a sex change operation, bungee jumping with an amateur harness, committing lucrative crimes, golfing during lightning storms, and having affairs. SOMETIMES (rarely) people derive great benefit from these actions. However, the majority of time the risks and destruction far outweigh the benefits.

 

The difference is, you will find (virtually) nobody on these forums who encourages positive outlooks and optimism on using illegal drugs, bungee jumping, etc. OK, maybe I have seen, in the course of 8 years on this forum, ONE poster who made THREE posts about how cocaine was terrific and people should not be so uptight and negative about it. Compare that to the relentless drumbeat (6 years, 10,000 posts) from a number of individuals about the supposed positive side of affairs for OW. What is motivating these posters? Is there some kind of commission offered for every reluctant potential OW whom these posters sway to the pro-affair side? Do they have some powerful need to convince others about the rightness of the path THEY took? (Why?) Is it offensive to hear the undoubted truth as revealed in Loveshack postings and in real life, that affairs are typically damaging and hurtful for OW?

 

Do these pro-affair "OW" (including the one supposedly now happily married for years, yet still mysteriously identifying as OW) ever think about the misleading and hurtful effect they may be having on younger, less-experienced, more-impressionable women? I refer to those younger people who may be undergoing MM blandishments aimed at convincing them that an affair will be a fun and positive episode, likely leading to a great love affair, painless and guiltness vaporization of the wife and all the other MM impedimenta, and a delightful and lasting marriage? Please, I urge everyone to think of the effect of the words they post and the arguments they present.

 

Why would people who seem otherwise rational, insist that the supposed success of ONE (count 'em, ONE) MM/OW relationship outweigh the HUNDREDS of appalling and heartbreaking OW tales we have heard on Loveshack?

 

Seriously, my friends who talk up affairs for OW, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? A balanced view of the facts? Who exactly do you want to convince, and why?

[Sharon1961]

Do these pro-affair "OW" (including the one supposedly now happily married for years, yet still mysteriously identifying as OW) ever think about the misleading and hurtful effect they may be having on younger, less-experienced, more-impressionable women? I refer to those younger people who may be undergoing MM blandishments aimed at convincing them that an affair will be a fun and positive episode, likely leading to a great love affair, painless and guiltness vaporization of the wife and all the other MM impedimenta, and a delightful and lasting marriage? Please, I urge everyone to think of the effect of the words they post and the arguments they present.

 

Why would people who seem otherwise rational, insist that the supposed success of ONE (count 'em, ONE) MM/OW relationship outweigh the HUNDREDS of appalling and heartbreaking OW tales we have heard on Loveshack?

 

Seriously, my friends who talk up affairs for OW, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? A balanced view of the facts? Who exactly do you want to convince, and why?

 

It's kind of like saying, oh, smoking cigarettes is not so bad for everyone. It can help you lose weight and fit in with the cool crowd in high school. And a lot of people have no problem quitting.

 

Uhhhhhh..... yeah.

 

Like you, I do not understand those trying to convince others that being an OW is okay. It's not okay. It is destructive to your soul and hurtful to other people.

 

There are far better alternatives.

 

Haha and the two biggest regrets I have are that I ever smoked cigarettes and ever sold myself short in an affair.

[Summer Breeze]

It's kind of like saying, oh, smoking cigarettes is not so bad for everyone. It can help you lose weight and fit in with the cool crowd in high school. And a lot of people have no problem quitting.

 

Uhhhhhh..... yeah.

 

Like you, I do not understand those trying to convince others that being an OW is okay. It's not okay. It is destructive to your soul and hurtful to other people.

 

There are far better alternatives.

 

Haha and the two biggest regrets I have are that I ever smoked cigarettes and ever sold myself short in an affair.

 

This is in response to you and the person you were responding to-think it was Sole Mate.

 

If you read what these OW are pointing out you'd see your comments are pretty off base. These OW, and myself when I was one, never gave up themselves. They never gave up their power and control in the situation. Any R where you give it up you flounder. I do not condone As for anyone but if someone is in one they need to look at it carefully and make sure they are not giving up themselves and their power. For me that was not giving up my life. I loved him with all of my heart but knew his situation. I never asked him to leave. He loved me and he knew my situation and he never asked me to stop dating and living my life. I would no more have stopped dating to show him my love than nothing. If he had come to me and said the M was over then I would have mirrored what he did. I never hid and I never lied. I was up front with him and each time his W spoke to me I talked directly to her and answered her questions. We went on holidays and he was there for support during some pretty disturbing times that had nothing to do with him. I refused to let him treat me less than I deserved and if he had then it would have ended. When I was to the point I needed more I ended it.

 

The danger is when anyone gives up who and what they are in ANY R and are vulnerable and feel powerless. I say that for OW and for many BS who have been gaslighted. I was a BS many years before being an OW and I never gave up my power there either. I have yet to see any of the older OW actually cheering and encouraging any of the younger OW into continuing in their situation. They may warn and tell them to be careful but you make it sound like we're jumping up and down with our pom poms and a marching band. Get a grip and read what's being written.

[Summer Breeze]

Same here. Also applies to using illegal drugs, having a sex change operation, bungee jumping with an amateur harness, committing lucrative crimes, golfing during lightning storms, and having affairs. SOMETIMES (rarely) people derive great benefit from these actions. However, the majority of time the risks and destruction far outweigh the benefits.

 

The difference is, you will find (virtually) nobody on these forums who encourages positive outlooks and optimism on using illegal drugs, bungee jumping, etc. OK, maybe I have seen, in the course of 8 years on this forum, ONE poster who made THREE posts about how cocaine was terrific and people should not be so uptight and negative about it. Compare that to the relentless drumbeat (6 years, 10,000 posts) from a number of individuals about the supposed positive side of affairs for OW. What is motivating these posters? Is there some kind of commission offered for every reluctant potential OW whom these posters sway to the pro-affair side? Do they have some powerful need to convince others about the rightness of the path THEY took? (Why?) Is it offensive to hear the undoubted truth as revealed in Loveshack postings and in real life, that affairs are typically damaging and hurtful for OW?

 

Do these pro-affair "OW" (including the one supposedly now happily married for years, yet still mysteriously identifying as OW) ever think about the misleading and hurtful effect they may be having on younger, less-experienced, more-impressionable women? I refer to those younger people who may be undergoing MM blandishments aimed at convincing them that an affair will be a fun and positive episode, likely leading to a great love affair, painless and guiltness vaporization of the wife and all the other MM impedimenta, and a delightful and lasting marriage? Please, I urge everyone to think of the effect of the words they post and the arguments they present.

 

Why would people who seem otherwise rational, insist that the supposed success of ONE (count 'em, ONE) MM/OW relationship outweigh the HUNDREDS of appalling and heartbreaking OW tales we have heard on Loveshack?

 

Seriously, my friends who talk up affairs for OW, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? A balanced view of the facts? Who exactly do you want to convince, and why?

 

Bolded-so OW who are on here to try and guide and help and possibly teach a little shouldn't do it? I gather you also say that Spark, Seren and any of the fBS who provide fabulous counsel should slink off as well?

 

I didn't see this post before I responded to Sharon's. Please read that in response to the rest of your post.

 

What is offensive is that posters like yourself only read what you wish to read and don't see everything being said. You want to vilify anyone who doesn't agree with you rather than see that maybe, just maybe some of what they say has some merit. I would never encourage anyone to enter an A but if they're in one or going in one they aren't going to stop because any of us say to. They are going to do what everyone else does-learn from their own actions. The best we can hope to do is guide them somehow. Hope they listen to the people who have been there and learned. Listen to BS who have been on the other side. Take some of it with them and at some point hope they make the best decsions for themselves.

[Sharon1961]

The danger is when anyone gives up who and what they are in ANY R and are vulnerable and feel powerless. I say that for OW and for many BS who have been gaslighted. I was a BS many years before being an OW and I never gave up my power there either. I have yet to see any of the older OW actually cheering and encouraging any of the younger OW into continuing in their situation. They may warn and tell them to be careful but you make it sound like we're jumping up and down with our pom poms and a marching band. Get a grip and read what's being written.

 

I'm sorry if you took offense with what I said.

 

I would never be able to handle things the way you did. And I believe that most women cannot handle being an OW or a BS without losing their self-respect. But having you say that it is possible might encourage people to think they can when they are just not equipped that way.

 

I believe that for a great many women it is a very dangerous situation to enter. And while you may think you're being clear about how to keep your sense of self it is potentially very easy for someone with less sense of self to begin with to delude themselves.

 

To them, you might be glamorizing it despite you not seeing it that way.

[MissBee]

I chose to make it a positive in my life and learned all that I could from that lesson. That is how I choose to live my life overall. But I had a lot of heartache and pain caused from that A to sort through to get there. It was a process.

 

Stats say about 3% of A's turn into primary relationships/marriages. I don't personally buy into stats like that because there's so much room for error. However, even if the percentage was higher, signigicantly higher, I don't think it comes anywhere close to the odds being in the AP's favor.

 

The way A's go do run somewhat on a script. The same story is told over and over again as to how they connected, how it unfolded, and how it ended. The reasons why the M is in jeapordy, the reasons why the MP can't leave. The needing time to figure things out while no one is moving their feet at all. The waiting. The pain and devastation that is left in the wake. Pretty straightforward and repetitive stuff.

 

Yeah, sometimes the outcomes are different. I've heard many of those whose outcomes were different still say that it was a terribly hard road with residual effects. Most situations that I've seen where it has turned out differently is because the OP has chosen not to patiently wait and not cater to the needs of the MP. Those who respect themselves first have a much better outcome generally. Those who wait and are afraid to rock the boat don't usually end up with anything but heartbreak or a permanent part time gig. And people take different lessons from it. Some learn and move on. Others are left years out with pain and unanswered questions.

 

But I don't really see how advocating the small chance that it could be different is helpful to someone who is weighing out whether or not to either start on, or further their journey in an A. I think most people inherently know that it *can* be different for them. I just don't think they're prepared for what happens if it's not.

 

A lot, if not everything in life follows patterns, with exceptions and nuisances of course. If patterns and commonalities did not exist, then it would be really hard to make sense of our world. There are 6 billion some odd humans on the planet...we're all different...but in many ways we're also the same or there is a common thread found in certain behaviors, situations, thought patterns etc just because we're human beings. The world cannot cater to the individual at all times and we need overarching patterns that we can adjust as the individual case arises...however, to start from a premise of "well everyone is different", in certain matters, makes no sense and chances are, the large brush strokes will suffice and where you see that it does not, then you go back in with a precision brush.

 

To the bolded: I never understood this. I've participated in an affair, was in love, it didn't work out and how it didn't work out was not as dramatic as some of what I have seen and heard here, and we're cool to this day. He isn't "the one that got away" or anything. If we did end up together into a blissful life, I do not believe that I would feel the need to carry on about how it worked out and point out to other women that yes they too can have the romance of their dreams from an affair. I mean, I truly don't get it.

 

I have gambled in certain areas of life and it worked out....however, like that fine print on some commercials that reads: "Results not typical"

, that's how I'd describe it. I am darn happy my gambles worked, but many are things I wouldn't do again, and surely wouldn't advise others to do. I therefore cannot relate to the harping of individuality and the exception to the rule. I do believe the fact that exceptions exist, is indeed important to note...but how much weight should it carry?

The way I see it is that hardly anyone goes around complaining about the affair they didn't have and how much they wished they had been in an affair or continued their affair and how much of their life has been wasted by following the advice to avoid an affair.... There are way more people who feel the opposite. So my question would be: what is more likely to be detrimental? Advising against an affair or encouragement that it may be different?

[MissBee]

I'm sorry if you took offense with what I said.

I would never be able to handle things the way you did. And I believe that most women cannot handle being an OW or a BS without losing their self-respect. But having you say that it is possible might encourage people to think they can when they are just not equipped that way.

 

I believe that for a great many women it is a very dangerous situation to enter. And while you may think you're being clear about how to keep your sense of self it is potentially very easy for someone with less sense of self to begin with to delude themselves.

 

To them, you might be glamorizing it despite you not seeing it that way.

 

I agree.

 

I do some work with a program for young girls to promote self esteem and positive self love and believe me, the proof is in the pudding of how many young girls, teens, young adult and older women who lack in that area. Women have been at a distinct disadvantage and predisposition to more violence and abuse and as much as we are trying to claim our place in the world...a lot of damage still has to be undone and worked through. There are so many women out there from all walks of life getting into dubious relationships, doing destructive things to their bodies, minds and spirit.

 

I see it everyday and have been there and we ALL know more than one woman who fits that description. It's great to have true self worth and self love and firm boundaries, it's another to wish you did, it's another to not realize that where you are many women aren't and since I do not know who does or doesn't, I'd rather advise against an affair than to say sure go ahead, just keep your boundaries tight.

 

I could go on....but I truly feel like it is self evident that for most women affairs do not promote self worth and feelings of self love and deep satisfaction.

[cheergirl]

What nonsense...

[donnamaybe]

Bolded-so OW who are on here to try and guide and help and possibly teach a little shouldn't do it? I gather you also say that Spark, Seren and any of the fBS who provide fabulous counsel should slink off as well?

 

I didn't see this post before I responded to Sharon's. Please read that in response to the rest of your post.

 

What is offensive is that posters like yourself only read what you wish to read and don't see everything being said. You want to vilify anyone who doesn't agree with you rather than see that maybe, just maybe some of what they say has some merit. I would never encourage anyone to enter an A but if they're in one or going in one they aren't going to stop because any of us say to. They are going to do what everyone else does-learn from their own actions. The best we can hope to do is guide them somehow. Hope they listen to the people who have been there and learned. Listen to BS who have been on the other side. Take some of it with them and at some point hope they make the best decsions for themselves.

Have you not read the insults and derogatory attitude toward those who have an opinion different than a certain subset of OW? Many OW and BS have no yrouble sharing opinions and advice, and then there are a few who can't get along with any but a small handful of posters.

[SoleMate]

...so OW who are on here to try and guide and help and possibly teach a little shouldn't do it? I gather you also say that Spark, Seren and any of the fBS who provide fabulous counsel should slink off as well?

 

Slink off? No! Let's all keep talking in a spirit of truly trying to understand. But I would definitely like an answer to my questions below:

 

Seriously, my friends who talk up affairs for OW, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? A balanced view of the facts? Who exactly do you want to convince, and why?

 

What is offensive is that posters like yourself only read what you wish to read and don't see everything being said. You want to vilify anyone who doesn't agree with you rather than see that maybe, just maybe some of what they say has some merit.

 

If I have vilified, or appeared to vilify, I am truly sorry. I was not aware of it. Nor did I intend it, because my feelings are sympathetic and supportive towards practically all LS posters, including OW who talk up affairs. (If you can point out where I vilified or was offensive, I will certainly retract those comments and be more careful next time.) I do acknowledge that there are some happy former APs out there. I just have seen that the number is tiny relative to the huge number who are very misled.

 

While I'm typing, I'd also like to speak out against the pro-A-OW line of discourse that basically says, "Most people/women in affairs who suffer are having trouble because they are doormats and/or don't know how to handle relationships and/or otherwise have something wrong with them that pre-dated the affair. Savvy, attractive women of high self esteem do very well in affairs. People who disagree are either bitter betrayed spouses or doormat OW."

 

I would never encourage anyone to enter an A...

 

Glad to hear it!

 

...but if they're in one or going in one they aren't going to stop because any of us say to.

No? You believe that such people are absolutely impervious to advice? I don't. I believe that many people teetering on the verge of affairs can and should be reached, and warned. Likelihood of success? I'm not holding my breath, but I'll feel better if I speak the truth as I know it.

 

I'm happy to discuss my motives. They are primarily humanitarian and data-driven. I'd love to hear motives from the pro-A-OW as well.

[cheergirl]

Slink off? No! Let's all keep talking in a spirit of truly trying to understand. But I would definitely like an answer to my questions below:

 

Seriously, my friends who talk up affairs for OW, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? A balanced view of the facts? Who exactly do you want to convince, and why?

 

 

 

If I have vilified, or appeared to vilify, I am truly sorry. I was not aware of it. Nor did I intend it, because my feelings are sympathetic and supportive towards practically all LS posters, including OW who talk up affairs. (If you can point out where I vilified or was offensive, I will certainly retract those comments and be more careful next time.) I do acknowledge that there are some happy former APs out there. I just have seen that the number is tiny relative to the huge number who are very misled.

 

While I'm typing, I'd also like to speak out against the pro-A-OW line of discourse that basically says, "Most people/women in affairs who suffer are having trouble because they are doormats and/or don't know how to handle relationships and/or otherwise have something wrong with them that pre-dated the affair. Savvy, attractive women of high self esteem do very well in affairs. People who disagree are either bitter betrayed spouses or doormat OW."

 

 

 

Glad to hear it!

 

 

No? You believe that such people are absolutely impervious to advice? I don't. I believe that many people teetering on the verge of affairs can and should be reached, and warned. Likelihood of success? I'm not holding my breath, but I'll feel better if I speak the truth as I know it.

 

I'm happy to discuss my motives. They are primarily humanitarian and data-driven. I'd love to hear motives from the pro-A-OW as well.

 

Are you actually serious?

Do you truly not know how you (and many other of your like-opined posters) come across? Seriously?

[SoleMate]

I'm new, but have been lurking for quite some time.

 

Daisy, how long did it take? Did they (on their own) provide a timeline to leave their M?

 

I know quite a few people where A's do work out, "happily ever after"..... BUT.... I've read the statistics (and LS posts) and I'm just trying to figure out if I'm the string-a-long or if the W is the string-a-long.

This poster is a perfect example of someone who came here to get nagging questions answered, about where this A is likely to go. It is in the interest of her, and anyone in a similar situation, that I feel the need to speak out against the chances of a great outcome from an OW in an A.

 

I...There seems to be a 'gang mentality' from a particular group to enforce an idea *here* that A's rarely make it to primary Rs but I have seen more here and IRL. The IRL Rs rarely post because they don't want to admit their R came from an A and the ones who become full time Rs here don't seem to need the support here anymore so move on.

 

And then there are the Rs which are validated *here* because they landed up M. It seems the the gang bangers only validate married Rs and not Rs that are committed in any other way.

If I'm one of the "gangbangers" (seems a rather unfair epithet btw), I will happily "validate" any R that doesn't leave anyone miserable and with years wasted on lies. For whatever my validation may be worth. I am sure that each of us is looking for something a bit different. By no means would I assume every woman or man is looking for marriage, or should be looking for marriage.

 

Every r/s has the chance of failure, or severing, or heartbreak, or boredom, or fizzling, or humiliation, or despair. Likewise, every r/s has the chance of joy, or frutifulness, or discovery, or comfort, or longevity, or warmth, or ecstasy. I've just learned that many OW in A have a far higher chance of depair and humiliation than does ANYONE else in ANY OTHER setup! If it bothers you, to hear me say so, then kindly show me the error in my thinking.

[White Flower]

This poster is a perfect example of someone who came here to get nagging questions answered, about where this A is likely to go. It is in the interest of her, and anyone in a similar situation, that I feel the need to speak out against the chances of a great outcome from an OW in an A.

 

 

If I'm one of the "gangbangers" (seems a rather unfair epithet btw), I will happily "validate" any R that doesn't leave anyone miserable and with years wasted on lies. For whatever my validation may be worth. I am sure that each of us is looking for something a bit different. By no means would I assume every woman or man is looking for marriage, or should be looking for marriage.

 

Every r/s has the chance of failure, or severing, or heartbreak, or boredom, or fizzling, or humiliation, or despair. Likewise, every r/s has the chance of joy, or frutifulness, or discovery, or comfort, or longevity, or warmth, or ecstasy. I've just learned that many OW in A have a far higher chance of depair and humiliation than does ANYONE else in ANY OTHER setup! If it bothers you, to hear me say so, then kindly show me the error in my thinking.

 

Soulmate, I wasn't even THINKING of you when I made the gangbanger statement!! And I pretty much agree with this quoted post.

 

I tend to offer advice on the merits of an individual R rather than in general because like you said every R is different. Many As are fantastic while many Ms are not and vice versa, and that is why I don't like the cookie-cutter (is that better than the 'epithet'), one size fits all advice often seen at LS.

[pureinheart]

Ijust want to say that i did not write this but it has helped me so much and i hope it does you too:-

 

 

If I had toget on my knees to beg you NOT to do one thing in your life it would be this –having an affair with a married person. I've read that in the US 56% of married men and 54% of married women have extramarital affairs and that in the US alone almost 50% of all marriages fail. Speaking from experience, having an affairwith a married person is the single most stupid thing you will ever do. Period.If you want to lose all the dignity you ever had, lose your self-worth and wreck people's lives on top of your own then please go ahead.

 

I will be brutally honest here; You are stupid if you do. Affairs with married people often happen due to purely selfish desire and due to sheer boredom. Itwill hurt you. You will not come out of it well. An opportunity is presented toyou and you are too greedy to say no and walk away. Sex with a married personis dramatic, passionate, open, stimulating and very exciting. That is when you get it. For the married person it is all these things plus a release from the mundane situation they find themselves in; a release from the boring sex, unhappy marriage, and drudgery of daily life. And none of it will last.

 

 

This is as far as I got. OP, how can this help you? It is one persons opinion and it is very condescending. It is never healing, nor helpful to shame another person or guilt trip...it's truly manipulative and it scares me that agree that anyone would think this is good...wow....

[donnamaybe]

This poster is a perfect example of someone who came here to get nagging questions answered, about where this A is likely to go. It is in the interest of her, and anyone in a similar situation, that I feel the need to speak out against the chances of a great outcome from an OW in an A.

 

 

If I'm one of the "gangbangers" (seems a rather unfair epithet btw), I will happily "validate" any R that doesn't leave anyone miserable and with years wasted on lies. For whatever my validation may be worth. I am sure that each of us is looking for something a bit different. By no means would I assume every woman or man is looking for marriage, or should be looking for marriage.

 

Every r/s has the chance of failure, or severing, or heartbreak, or boredom, or fizzling, or humiliation, or despair. Likewise, every r/s has the chance of joy, or frutifulness, or discovery, or comfort, or longevity, or warmth, or ecstasy. I've just learned that many OW in A have a far higher chance of depair and humiliation than does ANYONE else in ANY OTHER setup! If it bothers you, to hear me say so, then kindly show me the error in my thinking.

Great post. I agree with every point!

[cheergirl]

quelle surprise....:lmao::lmao:

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks for sharing that story, DanY2J.

 

THis is one EFFED UP support board.

 

Apparently some believe that the only support they can provide you with is calling you names (sour grapes) or invalidation (sorry your affair didn't work BUT MINE DID).

 

I'm really sorry that you got hurt. But I'm more sorry that the support you seek from SOME of those who have been in your shoes is sorely LACKING.