The best post i have ever seen on affairs. READ

[MissBee]

I also recognize that poeple aren't perfect and the path of humanity is to strive for that perfection but understand that we will usually fall short. But the journey, the effort is the important piece.

 

 

I agree with this and in a prior thread some time back, I brought up the idea of intentional living. I think that covers the idea of effort and being a conscious participant in your life, in which you choose how you're going to live, choose your standards and you strive to live by them.

 

I am well aware that no one is perfect and do believe our existence is about that striving and yes we will fall short....but it is another matter to never have tried at all or to give a lack luster try. I think that is where one of the breakdowns comes with my view and some others. I think it is one thing to have a standard beforehand and strive to achieve it, than to be of the mindset that there is no standard and "whatever happens happens". "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything"...I believe and have witnessed that in my own life. I do think that it is better to choose what you will and won't do beforehand as that helps to guide your life choices than if you go with whatever wind is blowing at the time. I for example, do not plan on doing drugs. That is a no-go for me, a pre-decided tenet I live by. Is it possible that somehow I end up doing it? Yes. Very improbable, but possible. Reason being is that since it is a choice I have pre-made it leads me not to hang out with drug users and overall I don't get myself in situations that can result in that. If I did not have a for or against stance about this issue then it would be a lot easier for me to slip, slide and land in that scenario.

 

May I use a theological argument to illustrate: It's like people who are Christians who say things like they're going to commit some sin and then ask for forgiveness because God will forgive them It's very faulty theological reasoning, as God knows humans fall short and forgiveness is there for that reason for the repentant but it's an abuse of that grace/forgiveness to plan in advance to err.

 

I do believe ALL mistakes teach you a lesson but it cracks me up to see someone coming here to discuss their affair then say "Oh well I am sure it will be a lesson, everything happens for a reason, so I'm going to do it". It reminds me of that Christian example of abusing grace. You are in a situation where you're using the idea that everything is a lesson as a substitute for everything being something good for you to do, just like those Christians who are planning their sins beforehand, using that they can later ask for forgiveness as a free pass to do it.

 

Intention and effort make all the difference I agree . I think that is what it comes down to. Affairs can end up being good things, being raped can result in a series of events that mold you and shape your life in a positive direction, being a recovering addict can color your life and give you a strength that you'd not otherwise have, and the list goes on of a myriad of not so great experiences that make people who they are. But those things are after-the-fact, it-happened-so-now-you-find-the-silver -lining scenarios and not things one is wishy washy about, run towards or embrace because of the possible good that exists.

 

Another illustration, I believe teenage pregnancy is a BAD idea generally. I believe parents should strive for an against stance in which they highlight the negatives of this scenario so that their child can avoid it as much as possible. A good parent IMO would not point out how they were a teenage parent and how it turned out well or point to other teenaged parents and that their life is happy or have a "gray attitude", where if it happens it happens and are neither for or against it. OF COURSE having a baby is always a good thing, much like love, affair or not is good...but let's realize that some scenarios make life an uphill battle and can be avoided, even though good can come from it. Most teenaged moms love their child and would never turn back time but would perhaps admit it was not the best move and would not recommend it or have a "grey attitude" about it.

 

I think that's where the pro and anti arguments may be differing.

 

For me, I am anti-affair, not in that I believe good cannot come from it, as good came from mine, but in that I do not think as a rule it is something one should embark upon or choose for fun and so on. I will always dissuade someone from choosing an affair if they are considering one and if someone is in one wavering, I'll always advise them to opt out. The pro sentiments from what I see are those who do not feel like A's are categorically a bad idea, who feel more strongly that they can be good and wonderful experiences so long as one sets it up in a certain way and therefore it should not be discouraged.

 

The anti-affair sentiments I hold do not discount lessons learned for the good of that person or that one could even end up with a happy relationship and that it can be an err in judgment and not some malicious thing (as I too have been an OW). Mine is more on the side of the idea of intentionality and that effort to strive for the best possible for myself and others and avoiding potential drama and mess if I can (like the teenaged pregnancy example). While to me, the pro sentiments seem to be going against the current, toying with danger in hopes of a possible good outcome.

Edited July 27, 2011 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

Great post. Its so sad that some only think support for those in As is encouraging the affair no matter the emotional cost

 

I'd like to call you on that. Never happened in any thread I've ever read on here. But feel free to prove me wrong!

[MissBee]

Great post. Its so sad that some only think support for those in As is encouraging the affair no matter the emotional cost, and then blaming the OP for having a hard time at it.

I love your post about your native country. My H is West Indian and he had a foot in both parts of growing up on a tiny, developing island too. And it was such a great analogy for dealing with people who are clearly unable to see things in any way differently from they way they choose to see things (and they have the nerve to call you the closed-minded one, lol).

 

 

Thanks NID! I am West Indian myself and your H's experience mimics my own

 

Lol @ close minded....I know I am far from narrow minded and no one has ever called me that, save for that person. I believe I am authentic and my views speak for themself and if additional people accused me of the same I would take it seriously as they may be on to something. I surround myself with people who tell me the truth and I am pretty introspective myself. I have a good grasp of my shortcomings and my strengths and while I have many shortcomings, one of my strengths is definitely my open mindedness. One of my friends finds me a tad annoying as he accuses me of loving to play devil's advocate and picking up for the under dog, because I like to look at multiple sides of the die. I may not fancy all sides, but I can look at it and understand it. In school we learned how to argue for and against a matter, irrespective of our actual views on it. I can do that but at the end of the day, I still have a view near and dear to me on some matters.

 

If open-minded means I never see black and white ever, and live perpetually in gray land...narrow-minded I am. I see gray in some things and may dabble in gray land for a particular purpose as the situation arises, but I also very much see black and white and dwell there on many an issue and it serves me well. There is Yes, No and Maybe. Many things are yes and no for me and then some are maybe and I have no desire to change it so that more things are a maybe, if that is closeminded, sign me up

Edited July 27, 2011 by MissBee

[NoIDidn't]

I'd like to call you on that. Never happened in any thread I've ever read on here. But feel free to prove me wrong!

 

You called?

 

Maybe you should be proving me wrong since I'm not the only one to have made such a statement.

 

And why is it that every time such a statement is made, you are one of the first to come and challenge it?

[MissBee]

You called?

 

Maybe you should be proving me wrong since I'm not the only one to have made such a statement.

And why is it that every time such a statement is made, you are one of the first to come and challenge it?

 

The bolded reminds me of a Caribbean saying, translated: "If you throw a stone in a hogs pen, the one that squeals is the one that got hit".

 

Which means that if a statement is thrown out there generally, the one who takes offense to it or is defensive about it, is the one who it struck a chord with or hit, so to speak. It is akin to telling on one's self. If someone says something and you're guilty of it, you may tend to take offense to it, even if they did not say that you did it, but your own feelings of culpability have caused you to "squeal".

 

Anyway, that reminded me of that saying and is a bit tangential as I am not really sure of what you and SG are talking about, so let me make sure to say that I was not implying that SG is guilty of something, as I don't really know what's going on there But I simply found that part to be reminiscent of that saying as well as relevant sometimes to interactions on the board.

[fooled once]

Thanks, GotIt, maybe I am getting it a little. You are hardly a hardened or relentless OW. You entered the OW situation for a brief period, and not without thought. You did not seek out an A, or prolong it, and I don't hear you pounding the drum (too hard) about how great your A is or how "hate-filled" the critics are.

 

I am not filled with hate. I am filled with compassion towards people in pain, who are tormented by the lies and the manipulation they are experiencing.

 

I am also filled with irritation (not hatred) at the relentless pro-A boosters. One supposedly successful A does not a pattern make. As another poster said, As are by definition sneaky. You can't have an A without lying or cheating or gaslighting. If you are having extramarital sex with honesty and disclosure and fair consideration of everyone's interests, that is not an A in the sense we use it here.

 

There are so many LS posters over the past years, who have suffered terribly. I do not see the slightest compassion among the pro-A crowd, for the OW who are in pain or who are struggling with very hard decisions and watching their precious time be wasted. On the contrary, (many, not all, of) the pro-A OW speak of every suffering OW as someone who created her own problems by doing a poor job managing the affair.

 

Great post Sole! I agree with everything you wrote.

 

As for this

Originally Posted by Silly_Girl

Oh my life. This thread just sums it up. The fact that 'pro-affair' and 'anti-affair' is being used as standard terminology. It's ridiculous. Both Fooled Once and BB07 accused me of being an affair 'cheerleader'. I addressed it in that thread; attempted to genuinely understand where the view was coming from, and suddenly neither of them had much to say on the matter, but now it's back.

 

Lots of assumptions are made by posters which are either projection or untrue. I'm happy to chip in against that. The fact that those posts are deemed to be pro-affair says a lot more about those making the claims than it does about me. Also shows that a lot of posters are happy to merely read the username and not the content. Their loss, in my view.

 

Can you please point out where I said "Silly Girl is an affair cheerleader". I went back and reviewed what I wrote and never once did I say you were an affair cheerleader! I also noted that BB also didn't like being told she said something that she didn't say. I believe you owe both of us an apology.

 

I am sorry I am not sitting here day after day, hour after hour, posting on LS. I have a very full life and don't have hours to sit here and read posts and keep going back to old threads to see where you may have put in a remark that required my response. I have gotten to the point with you that no matter what is said, you will pick it apart. Instead of threadjacking, if you have a question for me, send me a PM.

 

Can you point to the posts where you claim that "Lots of assumptions are made by posters which are either projection or untrue." How do you know what a poster is feeling or not feeling? What is "untrue"?

 

In the future, please leave me out of your responses unless I have specifically stated something ... an example is the above where you were out of line and incorrect.

[SoleMate]

Another illustration, I believe teenage pregnancy is a BAD idea generally. I believe parents should strive for an against stance in which they highlight the negatives of this scenario so that their child can avoid it as much as possible.

The teen pregnancy analogy could be helpful to this discussion. Teen pregnancy is a really bad idea in today's world. Unmarried teen mothers have a much higher rate of dropping out of school, poverty, perpetual single motherhood, unemployment, lifetime low earnings, perpetuating of poverty into the next generation, etc. If someone was posting on Loveshack, relentlessly arguing against the above points, and saying, "My teen pregnancy worked out great for me", as if that were a valuable data point equal in weight to the overwhelmingly grim statistics, I can assure you I would be all over those threads bringing forth as much data and countering argument as I could. (I just don't recall ever seeing such a thread on Loveshack.)

 

SillyGirl asked, "Who are the pro-A posters?" Well, not me. And I've already been mod-slapped twice thanks to one of the pro-A posters who found my remarks a bit too close to home, so I appreciate whoever pointed out that we shouldn't mention other's names or get personally specific in our analysis of whether the happy pro-A stories are even plausible.

 

Each of us can find for herself or himself who the pro-A posters are. But maybe I should call them "affair boosters", because they're not just pro-A for themselves, they are working harder to convince others that A are great for OW, than the Chamber of Commerce is working to bring a new sewage plant to town. Affair boosters are the people who typically:

• blame the BS for the affair due to her personal shortcomings
  
• repeatedly counter "Affairs are bad" posts with "Not true for me!"
  
• to the extent that they claim a happy positive A experience, refuse to acknowledge that their experience is not typical
  
• show no compassion for suffering current or former OW
  
• show no interest in supporting OW in making the decision to end the affair
  
• blame deceived and suffering OW for causing their own problems in an A by simply not "managing" or "structuring" the affair correctly, when in fact it is the affair ITSELF, not "incorrect management" that inherently causes hurt
  
• claim that affairs generally, and theirs in particular, were somehow achieved without any lying, sneaking or dishonesty, while admitting that the W was never told the truth
  
• often display inconsistencies in their stories (one affair boosting OW claims that MM are much better than single men for sexual r/s because they don't get clingy, and separately claims to have dumped several MM over the years because they got clingy)
  
• and most of all, never advise an OW to end the A
  

[LifesontheUp]

The teen pregnancy analogy could be helpful to this discussion. Teen pregnancy is a really bad idea in today's world. Unmarried teen mothers have a much higher rate of dropping out of school, poverty, perpetual single motherhood, unemployment, lifetime low earnings, perpetuating of poverty into the next generation, etc. If someone was posting on Loveshack, relentlessly arguing against the above points, and saying, "My teen pregnancy worked out great for me", as if that were a valuable data point equal in weight to the overwhelmingly grim statistics, I can assure you I would be all over those threads bringing forth as much data and countering argument as I could. (I just don't recall ever seeing such a thread on Loveshack.)

 

SillyGirl asked, "Who are the pro-A posters?" Well, not me. And I've already been mod-slapped twice thanks to one of the pro-A posters who found my remarks a bit too close to home, so I appreciate whoever pointed out that we shouldn't mention other's names or get personally specific in our analysis of whether the happy pro-A stories are even plausible.

 

Each of us can find for herself or himself who the pro-A posters are. But maybe I should call them "affair boosters", because they're not just pro-A for themselves, they are working harder to convince others that A are great for OW, than the Chamber of Commerce is working to bring a new sewage plant to town. Affair boosters are the people who typically:

• blame the BS for the affair due to her personal shortcomings
  
• repeatedly counter "Affairs are bad" posts with "Not true for me!"
  
• to the extent that they claim a happy positive A experience, refuse to acknowledge that their experience is not typical
  
• show no compassion for suffering current or former OW
  
• show no interest in supporting OW in making the decision to end the affair
  
• blame deceived and suffering OW for causing their own problems in an A by simply not "managing" or "structuring" the affair correctly, when in fact it is the affair ITSELF, not "incorrect management" that inherently causes hurt
  
• claim that affairs generally, and theirs in particular, were somehow achieved without any lying, sneaking or dishonesty, while admitting that the W was never told the truth
  
• often display inconsistencies in their stories (one affair boosting OW claims that MM are much better than single men for sexual r/s because they don't get clingy, and separately claims to have dumped several MM over the years because they got clingy)
  
• and most of all, never advise an OW to end the A
  

 

Excellent post Solemate.

[MissBee]

The teen pregnancy analogy could be helpful to this discussion. Teen pregnancy is a really bad idea in today's world. Unmarried teen mothers have a much higher rate of dropping out of school, poverty, perpetual single motherhood, unemployment, lifetime low earnings, perpetuating of poverty into the next generation, etc. If someone was posting on Loveshack, relentlessly arguing against the above points, and saying, "My teen pregnancy worked out great for me", as if that were a valuable data point equal in weight to the overwhelmingly grim statistics, I can assure you I would be all over those threads bringing forth as much data and countering argument as I could. (I just don't recall ever seeing such a thread on Loveshack.)

SillyGirl asked, "Who are the pro-A posters?" Well, not me. And I've already been mod-slapped twice thanks to one of the pro-A posters who found my remarks a bit too close to home, so I appreciate whoever pointed out that we shouldn't mention other's names or get personally specific in our analysis of whether the happy pro-A stories are even plausible.

Each of us can find for herself or himself who the pro-A posters are. But maybe I should call them "affair boosters", because they're not just pro-A for themselves, they are working harder to convince others that A are great for OW, than the Chamber of Commerce is working to bring a new sewage plant to town. Affair boosters are the people who typically:

• blame the BS for the affair due to her personal shortcomings
  
• repeatedly counter "Affairs are bad" posts with "Not true for me!"
  
• to the extent that they claim a happy positive A experience, refuse to acknowledge that their experience is not typical
  
• show no compassion for suffering current or former OW
  
• show no interest in supporting OW in making the decision to end the affair
  
• blame deceived and suffering OW for causing their own problems in an A by simply not "managing" or "structuring" the affair correctly, when in fact it is the affair ITSELF, not "incorrect management" that inherently causes hurt
  
• claim that affairs generally, and theirs in particular, were somehow achieved without any lying, sneaking or dishonesty, while admitting that the W was never told the truth
  
• often display inconsistencies in their stories (one affair boosting OW claims that MM are much better than single men for sexual r/s because they don't get clingy, and separately claims to have dumped several MM over the years because they got clingy)
  
• and most of all, never advise an OW to end the A
  

 

Great post!

 

Agree.

[White Flower]

You called?

 

Maybe you should be proving me wrong since I'm not the only one to have made such a statement.

 

And why is it that every time such a statement is made, you are one of the first to come and challenge it?

I don't think there is anything wrong with anyone challenging anything. Every time someone shows up to post it is either to share an experience, gain support, or challenge an apposing view. Why pretend that is so shocking when it is practiced here all the time by people just like you?

[OpenBook]

I don't think there is anything wrong with anyone challenging anything. Every time someone shows up to post it is either to share an experience, gain support, or challenge an apposing view. Why pretend that is so shocking when it is practiced here all the time by people just like you?

 

Excellent post, WF!! I concur.

[thomasb]

Thanks, GotIt, maybe I am getting it a little. You are hardly a hardened or relentless OW. You entered the OW situation for a brief period, and not without thought. You did not seek out an A, or prolong it, and I don't hear you pounding the drum (too hard) about how great your A is or how "hate-filled" the critics are.

 

I am not filled with hate. I am filled with compassion towards people in pain, who are tormented by the lies and the manipulation they are experiencing.

 

I am also filled with irritation (not hatred) at the relentless pro-A boosters. One supposedly successful A does not a pattern make. As another poster said, As are by definition sneaky. You can't have an A without lying or cheating or gaslighting. If you are having extramarital sex with honesty and disclosure and fair consideration of everyone's interests, that is not an A in the sense we use it here.

 

There are so many LS posters over the past years, who have suffered terribly. I do not see the slightest compassion among the pro-A crowd, for the OW who are in pain or who are struggling with very hard decisions and watching their precious time be wasted. On the contrary, (many, not all, of) the pro-A OW speak of every suffering OW as someone who created her own problems by doing a poor job managing the affair.

 

 

Both this and your following post are awesome! I very much agree with everything you stated.

[Steadfast]

• blame the BS for the affair due to her personal shortcomings
  
• repeatedly counter "Affairs are bad" posts with "Not true for me!"
  
• to the extent that they claim a happy positive A experience, refuse to acknowledge that their experience is not typical
  
• show no compassion for suffering current or former OW
  
• show no interest in supporting OW in making the decision to end the affair
  
• blame deceived and suffering OW for causing their own problems in an A by simply not "managing" or "structuring" the affair correctly, when in fact it is the affair ITSELF, not "incorrect management" that inherently causes hurt
  
• claim that affairs generally, and theirs in particular, were somehow achieved without any lying, sneaking or dishonesty, while admitting that the W was never told the truth
  
• often display inconsistencies in their stories (one affair boosting OW claims that MM are much better than single men for sexual r/s because they don't get clingy, and separately claims to have dumped several MM over the years because they got clingy)
  
• and most of all, never advise an OW to end the A
  

 

...and that pretty much ends the debate. One can try to defend the undefensible, but like all lies they are exposed by the hard light of truth and honor. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING good is built upon bad. Like a building, a relationship is no better than its foundation. A foundation of betrayal and selfishness has the same shelf-life as the lies that support it.

[Silly_Girl]

The teen pregnancy analogy could be helpful to this discussion. Teen pregnancy is a really bad idea in today's world. Unmarried teen mothers have a much higher rate of dropping out of school, poverty, perpetual single motherhood, unemployment, lifetime low earnings, perpetuating of poverty into the next generation, etc. If someone was posting on Loveshack, relentlessly arguing against the above points, and saying, "My teen pregnancy worked out great for me", as if that were a valuable data point equal in weight to the overwhelmingly grim statistics, I can assure you I would be all over those threads bringing forth as much data and countering argument as I could. (I just don't recall ever seeing such a thread on Loveshack.)

 

SillyGirl asked, "Who are the pro-A posters?" Well, not me. And I've already been mod-slapped twice thanks to one of the pro-A posters who found my remarks a bit too close to home, so I appreciate whoever pointed out that we shouldn't mention other's names or get personally specific in our analysis of whether the happy pro-A stories are even plausible.

 

Each of us can find for herself or himself who the pro-A posters are. But maybe I should call them "affair boosters", because they're not just pro-A for themselves, they are working harder to convince others that A are great for OW, than the Chamber of Commerce is working to bring a new sewage plant to town. Affair boosters are the people who typically:

• blame the BS for the affair due to her personal shortcomings
  
• repeatedly counter "Affairs are bad" posts with "Not true for me!"
  
• to the extent that they claim a happy positive A experience, refuse to acknowledge that their experience is not typical
  
• show no compassion for suffering current or former OW
  
• show no interest in supporting OW in making the decision to end the affair
  
• blame deceived and suffering OW for causing their own problems in an A by simply not "managing" or "structuring" the affair correctly, when in fact it is the affair ITSELF, not "incorrect management" that inherently causes hurt
  
• claim that affairs generally, and theirs in particular, were somehow achieved without any lying, sneaking or dishonesty, while admitting that the W was never told the truth
  
• often display inconsistencies in their stories (one affair boosting OW claims that MM are much better than single men for sexual r/s because they don't get clingy, and separately claims to have dumped several MM over the years because they got clingy)
  
• and most of all, never advise an OW to end the A
  

 

SoleMate, I actually appreciate your posting this. There have been so many claims of pro-affair postings and no one has taken the time to set out what they think that is, it's been kept under wraps like some sort of clique-secret which makes open exchange impossible.

 

Regarding boosting affairs, I wouldn't be able to do that because I had my heart shredded by one. I can, however, offer insight as to what happened in my experience and I often find it to be an antidote to posts for which the sub-text is "this is what all affairs are like" and that's never true.

 

Likewise I would hate to see someone in pain being advised to stay in a destructive situation, your post makes it sound as though there are posters who, by virtue of the fact it's an affair, think the AP must remain. I've not seen that myself.

[Silly_Girl]

Great post Sole! I agree with everything you wrote.

 

As for this

 

Can you please point out where I said "Silly Girl is an affair cheerleader". I went back and reviewed what I wrote and never once did I say you were an affair cheerleader! I also noted that BB also didn't like being told she said something that she didn't say. I believe you owe both of us an apology.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3479479&postcount=75

 

This here is my post, in response to yours. Should clear this matter up. And I'll leave it at that because I think SoleMate appears to have done a great job in that you agree with her on this point so we need not discuss it further.

 

In the future, please leave me out of your responses unless I have specifically stated something ... an example is the above where you were out of line and incorrect.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think there is anything wrong with anyone challenging anything. Every time someone shows up to post it is either to share an experience, gain support, or challenge an apposing view. Why pretend that is so shocking when it is practiced here all the time by people just like you?

 

I'm sorry, but who exactly is "people just like you"? Sounds so condescending and accusatory. Was that your intention?

[Silly_Girl]

Couldn't it be that what is perceived as pro-affair in reality is just recognizing that a woman/man is too deeply in love at the present moment to end the relationship?

 

Yep That's definitely been the case at times.

[OWoman]

Affair boosters are the people who typically:

• blame the BS for the affair due to her personal shortcomings
  
• repeatedly counter "Affairs are bad" posts with "Not true for me!"
  
• to the extent that they claim a happy positive A experience, refuse to acknowledge that their experience is not typical
  
• show no compassion for suffering current or former OW
  
• show no interest in supporting OW in making the decision to end the affair
  
• blame deceived and suffering OW for causing their own problems in an A by simply not "managing" or "structuring" the affair correctly, when in fact it is the affair ITSELF, not "incorrect management" that inherently causes hurt
  
• claim that affairs generally, and theirs in particular, were somehow achieved without any lying, sneaking or dishonesty, while admitting that the W was never told the truth
  
• often display inconsistencies in their stories (one affair boosting OW claims that MM are much better than single men for sexual r/s because they don't get clingy, and separately claims to have dumped several MM over the years because they got clingy)
  
• and most of all, never advise an OW to end the A
  

 

I've never seen any posters here who meet all of these criteria, or even most. There are, of course, individuals who meet some of these criteria - but I've never seen anyone meet the final "most of all" criterion.

 

Those of us who express support for the continuation of ANY As tend to get branded as cheerleaders simply because we have more responses in our repertoire than simply "end the A! Go NC!" and because we choose to meet the poster where s/he is, responding to their individual situation with individual advice or support customised to their individual needs. And because that sometimes involves ending the A when all the NC brigade are banging their NC drums, it gets swallowed up in the clamour, and because it sometimes it involves contrary advice about addressing the specifics the poster asked for advice or support on (when they've made it clear they DON'T wish to end the R) rather than ending the A, that gets caricatured as supporting As whatever the situation.

 

Yes, some of us did have our As work out for us whichever way it was we wanted them to - sometimes landing up together with the MMs, sometimes apart. Others have other endings that suit them less well. That doesn't warrant cookie-cutter advice either way. It warrants a careful reading of as much information as the poster presents, including what their own wishes, hopes, and current situation and resources reveal, before advising. Bullying people into dumping someone they're still deeply attached to might seem to some of the ideologues like a victory, but when the broken hearted poster breaks NC because the pull back to the beloved is just too great, s/he is then faced with the double whammy of the inability to come back and admit to their "weakness" because they know that being supported is contingent on having toed the right NC line, and that having broken that they'll be cast into the wilderness alone so they go underground, having to seek support elsewhere in less judgmental places - if they can find them. Those of us who are not part of the "NC at all costs in any circumstances" brigade have had countless PMs from such posters, still needing support but feeling unable to post openly on the boards for fear of the condemnation from those who urged them so strongly to go NC.

[OWoman]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3479479&postcount=75

 

This here is my post, in response to yours. Should clear this matter up. And I'll leave it at that because I think SoleMate appears to have done a great job in that you agree with her on this point so we need not discuss it further.

 

Well, it looks like an apology certainly is warranted!! Think you'lll get one?

[Silly_Girl]

Well, it looks like an apology certainly is warranted!! Think you'lll get one?

 

No breath-holding here

[SoleMate]

...when the broken hearted poster breaks NC because the pull back to the beloved is just too great...being supported is contingent on having toed the right NC line....they'll be cast into the wilderness alone so they go underground, having to seek support elsewhere in less judgmental places - if they can find them....

Interesting fantasy, colorful rhetoric ("drumbeaters", "ideologues"), admirable energy but not supported in the data. No OW with questions or seeking support will ever be cast into the wilderness by me, or by most others at LS. It is true, OW do get a fair amount of disrespectful judgment. As I've pointed out, lots of it comes from....wait for it....the affair boosters, who tell the unhappy OW that they're at fault for their own distress, because they're just not "managing" or "structuring" the affair correctly, or that they just aren't doing a good job of sticking up for themselves. As if it were as easy and worthwhile to "manage" a sneaking EMA as to manage an honest effort by two non-lying people to meet each other's needs.

 

All in all, I have to admire the consistent energy that the very small, yet obviously devoted corps of affair-boosters, brings to the seemingly hopeless task.

 

Best way for any given person to prove she (he?) is not an affair booster? To admit that affairs are qualitatively DIFFERENT from other relationships. To admit that the typical affair has a stereotyped pattern involving a triangle and routine prevarication in most directions within that triangle, along with varying levels of self-deception, desperation, nasty drama, time wasting, bus tossing, and miserable heartbreak. To admit that there is no need for those seeking r/s to search among the married.

[jthorne]

Since the list doesn't apply to anyone who actually posts here, we're safe to assume that the "affair booster" is another figment of someone's imagination.

And having only 4 posts here as of now, you'd know that how? Just wondering since you're so "new" and all.

I'd be irresponsible to not tell you that posting with a new screen name while under moderation will get both screen names banned. You know, just in case that applies to you.

[jthorne]

Delightful example of irony. Unless one was copied in on a private message, how could one possibly know the contents?

As a "new" person, you don't have pm's so how would YOU know?

 

BTW, a "new" person wouldn't know who is and who isn't a moderator.

[thomasb]

Stop feeding the chickens.

 

It can be hard when they cluck so loudly!

[pureinheart]

It doesn't.

 

Congratulations on your promotion to moderator, though

 

No way...cool... another mod????