I don't understand why I'm still able to function

[alabasterlamp]

My husband an I have been married for 9 years. For the first 7 and a half years I had major clinical depression. I couldnt cope with making choices and depended on him to make those choices for the both of us. Despite these problems we were close and had many happy times. Last year I found out I wasn't getting enough Vitamin D. I started taking it and like a weird miracle my depression literally disappeared. I thought everything would be even better and my husband would finally get some relief. What happened was my husband was scared of my new found independence and started controlling every decision I tried to make. Instead of making things better, things got much worse. I realized that we had a parent / child relationship and I began tip toeing around him so I didn't make him angry. I started talking to my boss because my happiness was vanishing and he was worrying. I realized quickly that if I didn't do something, I was very prone to having an EA with my boss and can't let myself wreck a marriage when children are involved, so I up and quit. Even though it was so hard I didn't let myself return any of his concerned texts or calls. I dedicated the last four months on improving myself and studying on how to be the best person/wife possible. This month I finally realized that wouldn't save my marriage because we both have to try to save it. A part of me died. Since then I've been trying to better communicate how I really feel. I got frustrated and told him if he didn't try working with me I would even leave him. After a week of hell he said he would. Since then he hasn't made any further effort. I understand he works very hard and is stressed and tired. I was in trouble for trying to bring things up as soon as he came home. Then he was mad that I brought things up too late at night. I asked for a time frame and he won't give me one. My our friends and shockingly my family said they can't support me financially, but would support my decision to leave him. I thought about it and told them I could only do that after I fought as hard as I could to make it work and fail miserably. My mother has surgury in two days on our 9th anniversary and after 8 years of marriage, my husband did not see any reason to spend the whole day with me today as an early celebration. I am empty and heartbroken. After a big fight today because I was actually frank with him about my pain, he left to go on a long walk. I feel guilty that I even started taking vitamin D. I want to escape from the pain that's eating me alive. I want to run and cry on my ex bosses shoulder. I'm utterly hopeless and guilty about being such a crappy person. I don't know what to do and don't want to talk to my family and friends because I don't want to be a burden and cause them grief. I can't call my boss because if he could take me away I don't know if I have the strength to say no. Why am I still awake? I wish I would just shut down. Does anyone know what I can do to cope? Besides becoming an alcoholic?

[Exit]

Hmm, this is a pretty complex situation. First of all, I find you very brave and inspiring, doing all you can to make it work, and even dealing with the stress of having a long relationship/marriage hit a rough patch. Many people WOULD have just immediately turned towards the affair with their boss, so don't call yourself a crappy person! You are doing great. As someone who feels like dying after losing a girlfriend of 10 months, to know that there are people fighting through much worse really inspires me.

 

Looking back earlier in the relationship, do you think he was actually attracted to your situation with the depression, did he look to take advantage of it because he wanted to be a controlling guy and make all the decisions? If you don't think that's the case, then he's not the worst guy in the world, he may have just gotten used to the way things were for 7 years with him being in charge, and even if he didn't look at it as a power-trip, having that kind of control can go to your head even if you don't want it to. I admit that I can be a jealous or controlling guy in my relationships, and actually, in my most recent failed relationship, it was with a girl who told me when we met that she was equally as isolated as me, didn't care about seeing friends much, and then after 8 months her attitude changed and she started running out to see friends every weekend, and that was rough. So your husband could just be having trouble adjusting. BUT, his unwillingness to talk to you about the issue, his avoidance of giving you a time frame of when it's acceptable to approach him, is just not fair. If he is not interested in engaging in a conversation that could save his marriage, that's not your problem.

 

In terms of you yourself, first of all, never say you regret finding that vitD helps your depression! That's great news! It's understandable that you regret the difficulties that have showed up in your marriage, but don't regret getting yourself feeling better. Don't feel bad for seeking other people to talk to, family and any TRUE friends will be willing to let you talk their ear off and listen to your situation.

 

I think it may help to define your "new found independence" so we can see what really has him upset and what you feel you need to "tip toe around him" with. Are you going out 5 nights a week to socialize with friends and leaving the family behind now that you feel better? Or are you just independent enough that you can go off to the store by yourself without needing his help? What exactly do you do with your new found health that could be upsetting him? What decisions of yours is he still trying to control? Do you get to keep your own share of money with you, or do you have to clear all your spending with him? Do you have to report where you are every second of the day?

 

Depending on what your "new found freedom" really means and how "controlling" he's really being, maybe we can get some more insight into the situation.

 

But from what you've said so far, it sounds like you are doing everything right. You cherish your family and you are not willing to just give up on it and let it go until you know you've tried everything. You are interested in a solution and are trying to get him to talk to you.

 

If I were you... I would write a letter. I might even go so far as to leave it at home some day when he expects you to be there, he'll come in and try to find you and he'll come across the letter and read it when he is ready and in the letter you will insist that you two need to talk before a 9 year marriage comes to an end. Or if one of you is always home to watch the kids and you can't exactly pull that off, then do what he has done to you, head out of the house one day and say you're going for a walk, give him the letter on your way out and say you thought a letter might be easier than trying to corner him into a conversation after work.

 

He may very well be stressed and tired from work, but you deserve some attention, you are trying to get things fixed.

Edited May 31, 2011 by Exit