"secret" brother?!?

[CurlyamI]

Hello everyone,

 

Last Sunday I got invited to have launch with my boyfriend's family and I was really happy about it, as we've started dating only a few months ago. Although he tried to make it rather casual, I understood it was a big deal to him. So I was even more pleased, as he is a very nice man.

 

So during the meal, I saw this big picture with a few photos, some very nicely written letters and I made a comment about what a special person the cousin must be (I have been to my bf's sister's place once before and saw a lot of pictures of this guy, and my bf told me he's just a cousin; we were preparing to leave, he did answer in a hurry and I've never thought twice about the subject).

 

So all of the sudden everybody stopped talking and his father told my it is (or was) their third son. I felt so stupid, I could have realized it, I could have not asked. But as I was sitting on the table, the pictures were right in front of me. After that, they changed the subject, I was really embarassed, and his family did begin to tell a few stories with their other son involved and at the end I didn't feel like such a complete a$$.

 

At first I was a bit angry with my bf, he could have just told me not to ask when I first popped the question, or at least give me a sign. The only reason I asked was that I remembered that only my grandparents have lots of pictures of my cousines (more than those of my sister and myself, but hey, who's counting?), and you can find none framed at our place. I thought maybe it's a cultural difference - he's French, I'm not, you understand.

 

But I can't be upset with him, I did tell him he could have warned me before. It was so strange, because after my huge blast, everyone else seemed to be ok and shared things about him, except for my bf. Not a word, not a line, nothing.

 

I don't even know, I suppose he's dead.... Can I help my bf? Should I just stay out of it? Should I try and help him? I feel so sorry about this and I have no idea what to do, or should I do anything.

 

I've never been through anything that cames even near this, none of my cats died, no lost littlepuppy, nothing. And I haven't told this to anyone and I don't feel comfortable at all talking about this to my friends, as it is a very private matter, so I've got no one else to ask: what should I do?

[HokeyReligions]

Everyone grieves in their own way. You can't try to 'help' him, but you can let him know that you did not mean to upset him and that if he prefers not to discuss the brother, then you will respect his wishes. If he is angry just let him know that you did not mean to hurt him in any way and that sometimes we stumble when we are starting a new relationship. Assure him that you won't pressure him for information and ask that he understand that unless he tells you something, like "please don't ask about the photos on the wall - they are upsetting to me" there is no possible way you can know.

 

Check out beyondindigo.com for some other information on dealing with people who have lost loved ones. Check out the basic information and the message boards there.

[CurlyamI]

I know I may be imagining things, but I feel he was affected in a different way, with the fact that he is the other male child in the family. I can see this in my family, my sister (younger) is compared to me all tha time. And get's to came out worst only because she is different from me.

 

Now that we've both grown and she turned into this beautiful young lady, it's a bit easier for her, but believe me, when she was a child it must have been hell for her. I am assuming at some point he experinced the same thing...

[Believer69]

That is odd that your boy friend would tell you it was his cousin...Are you sure that this brother has passed away? Maybe it could be something else, and that is why they don't talk about him. Perhaps he did something that has "embarrassed" the family? Ran away, gay. who knows. But I suppose you would get some sort of idea by the way they spoke about him after you mentioned the photos.

[CurlyamI]

I asked him why he did it and I can't clearly remember his answer. Something like avoiding the questions.

 

At first I thought he did something bad too, but his parents mix past and present when speaking of him.

 

I also remembered seeing a picture of my bf in his teens with his brother... I soooo feel like I'm intruding, I hate it!

[Believer69]

That is an awkward situation, on one hand it must be driving you carzy and I'm sure you want to aks...on the other hand, the fact that he hasnt opened up to you, makes it seem like an "off-limits" topic. I feel for you, thats rough! Good luck!

[HiDDeN PiGLeT]

you said you suppose that he is dead. do you really know that he is? maybe he did something that displease the family or something like a black sheep or something.

[CurlyamI]

I am pretty sure he passed away, but I can't tell you that for certain. His father told me they used to have another son... I am afraid he killed himself or something. I am purely speculating, he may be living in Tampa with a guy named Stu, but I didn't feel any kind of remorse towards him. More of a idolatry - he was really really smart, lots of scholarship and everything.

[Believer69]

If you feel that he has passed away, it could be something that your BF just hasn't made peace with. If he did take his own life, he may be very angry about it. Actually, if he was young, which I suspect he was, your bf is probably angry no matter what the circumstances may have been. tough.

[CurlyamI]

he is very affectionate towards me, a tender man, but he never did dedicate himself completely to anyone. Few man do, I know. It's like I can only reach out to him so far.

 

We haven't been dating for so long either....

[spencer]

bypass the bf and ask his dad.

[Believer69]

Ask his sister, you said you had met her prior to the family meeting... its not being nosy, its more of a care and understanding of your BF. I know you said you haven't been dating"that long" but how do you feel about him. If one of your sibling had passed away, do you think you would have mentioned it by now. OK thats not fair because we don't know if thats the case, and we don't know the circumstances. It is to difficult to determine hoe anyone would act. You know it is going to eat you alive until you know, so figure out away...oh yeah, and let us know..

[spencer]

Believer69 and myself would be happy to call for you

[CurlyIam]

Thanks, Spencer, your're too nice. Sorry for the delay in response, ID problems )

 

So here's what I've been thinking about yesterday:

 

I can't ask his family for the simple reason I've only met them once. We live more then one hour-drive from each other, so I can't "run" into them either.

 

I don't know if I told you we see each other once a week - used to, 'cause now we've became much more close - and that's because he works crazy hours and I'm usually barried in my books, with my final year and all.

 

Well, I did mention when speaking to him last night that we could take advantage of my holiday and go away from Paris for a week-end. He was thrilled about the ideea, so I'm thinking about going to Normandie(phalèse Etretat, aquarium) the next one - sea, quite, not many people as it's a bit off season, quite cold too maybe he'll open up without my pushing it.

 

I have to make it clear that it's not curiosity the one eating me alive .I can always ask his parents as you girls said or relay on your capable hands - by the way, Spencer, how well do you speak French ? - or find out by making some research in the local newspaper, but it's not my business. He is my business, the impact that this story had on his life. And here, my friends, I am at a total loss. So if anyone experienced loosing a child, a close friend in your teens please share on how you or the members of the family handled it or PM me.

 

I can see some signs, he's opening up more to me everyday, I'm a bit afraid I'll say something stupid, or inapropiate or inconsiderate

 

I really appreciate it,

 

Thank you for you support

[dyermaker]

I may have misunderstood the situation, but why are you trying to help someone who hasn't solicited your assistance? It looks to me as if pressing this issue would be stepping over a boundary that's already been drawn.

[CurlyIam]

I appreciate your sincerity.

 

I guess you'll have to be a girl to understand why this bothers me. We are not just going out, we're trying to build a relationship. When I first found out about this, I was in a state of shock - why didn't he at least mention this to me.

 

Then I said to myself it's up to him to decide if he wants to talk about it or not. This is Why I decided not to push. I hope one day he'll trust me enough to share with me what happened. My reason for posting this is that I want to be prepared, I want togive himthe best advice ever, I want to confort him and make all the pain go awayand I'm afraid I won't be able to do that because I have never experinced a loss.

 

So it's a mix of many things, I am not quite sure that I want to cross "the line". What I wish for with him is to have no boundarries. Total, complete trust... I may be naive, but that's how I would like my relationship to be.

[dyermaker]

Oh, I misunderstood.