Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I felt HORRIBLE all day yesterday. Sat around all day at my parents' house telling my own mother how close I was to wanting to end my life (I know, what a horrible thing for a parent to hear). Finally gave in to coming back to my lonely apartment around 10pm, still feeling terrible. But as I spent some time at these forums last night, I really started to feel good. By the time I went to bed at 2am, I was feeling perfectly fine, ready to get over her (but also the back of my mind was reminding me that the feeling could be temporary just like how the negative feelings went away after a while). I'm not religious but I went to sleep saying a little prayer asking for the good mood to continue so I could keep moving on. So I was on here posting until about 2am, it made me feel better to think about other peoples' situations instead of my own. Went to sleep pretty exhausted, I forced myself to exercise last night. But my eyes flew open a few minutes ago and I woke up to the misery of my life. I checked my phone and realized it was only 5:30am. My obsessive brain is so powerful than it can wake me from only 3 hours sleep to start torturing myself again. I've had 2 major thoughts since then: I have plenty of time to prepare myself to go catch her on her way to work and talk to her and tell her I'm weak and I just needed to see her, or I could end my life. I know neither is good and my only real choice is to go get back into bed and stare at the ceiling. I hope these are the worst of the bad days and that it will at least begin to improve soon, otherwise I'm not sure I'll be able to stop myself before I do something if this were to keep happening. All I want at this point is to sleep as long as I can, not be waking up after 3 hours to continue being miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
brokendreamz Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I know how you feel - just wish it would all end. Don't want to die, but today is a bad day and I just can't really see the point in anything! I miss her sooo much yet she is indifferent. we must keep on striving to get out of this part of our lives - it's a journey and this moment shall pass. My thoughts are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
bigmomma1974 Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Just rememeber your pain will end one day and things will look brighter. However if you take your life others will suffer always. Maybe you need a little help with dealing with this, Can I suggest you talk to your doctor about these deep dark feelings of ending your life. Remember when you end a relationship there is pain and hurt, but with time it eases. Just take one second at a time if that is what it takes. Take a look at everything you have in your life and be greatful you do have it. talk to friends, go out, socialize with people, sitting at home alone can make this depression stage of your life worse. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Fedor Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I feel like I can relate to your story. The last thing my ex told me is that she needs to "get this out of her system" (was unclear on what that is) before she can be with me 100%. It hurts so bad because I have felt like she has been playing me for a yoyo the past couple weeks. Any advice? In your case, I feel alot of anger because I have a feeling my ex might be with another man. I hope you get through your deal because there is always going to be good and bad days Link to post Share on other sites
Author Exit Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Yeah, I'm really beyond trying to understand if anything she says is the truth or not. I personally can not understand needing to go take time apart and be with other people, but that doesn't necessarily make her evil or crazy. She encouraged me not to wait for her and to go date other people to make sure that what we had really is love and that we won't just feel as strongly for other people, and I told her that I don't need that proof, I know I want her. Oh well, I've survived the last few hours. Still been up since 5:30am. It got ugly for a while there, I really did start writing down my goodbyes to everyone, being depressed is one thing, but waking up after only 3 hours of sleep and feeling so hopeless in the early morning hours was too much to take, so I was getting pretty dramatic. I haven't tried getting back in bed yet because I fear laying there will cause a relapse. I've just been on these forums all day typing like crazy lol. But I am starting to get tired now. I don't know what to think anymore. I've deleted my Facebook, now I struggle with thinking I should block her on my phone, or if I should at least leave that door open. She may never say anything anyway. Am I mad enough at her for being with someone else that I can shut this door for good? That's what I need to decide. It doesn't even involve her anymore. She did what she did and we said our goodbyes. Now the struggle is within me. I need to figure out in what way I want to move forward. I know for the time being I just need to move on from her regardless, the relationship is dead and gone. But do I want to leave things open to possibly talk again some day, or do I want to actually take steps to prevent her from ever being able to reach me again. Whoooo knows. Hopefully I'll just be able to sleep soon. Today is her first day back at work since we said goodbye and since the long weekend. These prior two months, I'd usually go catch up with her after work or she would call me over. I guess this is the first time that won't be happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Nohbody Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Have you considered calling the national suicide hotline? Sometimes having someone to talk to can make a world of difference. Link to post Share on other sites
stopthemadness Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Hi Exit, So sorry for your pain and heart ache. The whole not sleeping thing, ok that was me too! I swear I only slept 4 hours a nite for like 4 months!! So you are not alone there. Only I also had this thing where I couldnt sleep in my room. It sounds weird huh? But I couldnt, so Id sleep in the living room on the couch. My daughter was very understanding (God bless her) After about 3 months into the breakup I started seeing a therapist. Every week at first, then later every two weeks. Dude, it was the best thing I could have ever done!! Just having smone to talk to who understood how much I loved and missed him (everything pass tence) was just what I needed and now I think its what you need too. At first I was soo broken, thats how you sound now, broken. But its all only temporary I know I just lived through it. With each day that goes by your healing just a little bit. And as days turn into weeks and weeks into months you'll see. You start feeling better. Promise!! But if you feel like you need to call a suicide hotline, PLEASE PLEASE do that!! Dont do anything to hurt your self, its sooo not worth it. Just know that you are NOT alone!!! EVERYONE goes through heart ache at some point in their lives. Hope your feeling better soon.Keep posting. Let us know that your ok I'll be looking for your updates k..God Bless and for you make the calls, find smone to talk too..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Exit Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Thanks for the concern everyone I'm sorry if I alarmed anyone. I have not returned to feeling THAT bad since the other morning. The roller coaster continues but I'm starting to feel better in bits and pieces. I've made it through terrible heart break before without actually going to "see" someone, just talking to family and friends. And I think just knowing that I've been here before makes it a little bit more manageable. BUT, if I do find myself unable to get myself out of this, I'll try finding someone to talk to. I think I'm taking my first steps to recovery though. Link to post Share on other sites
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